Over The Edge, part 2/5
Title: Over The Edge part 2/5
By StargateBabe
Rating: Mature Warnings: Violence, Language, Sexual references
Fandom: SG-1
For: Darkgate Ficathon from kate98
Word Count: 12,206
Season & Spoilers: Season Five Meridian and Season Six especially Abyss and onward
Category: Angst/Hurt/Comfort/Adventure
Type: Het/Gen (No slash, no rape, no drug use per request)
Summary: The events of Abyss drove Jack over the edge. When he escaped from Ba’al he was no longer the same man. Due to the sarcophagus exposure, he’s more bitter, selfish, and cunning.
The speeches droned on while Jack’s attention wandered. He ogled the pretty dancers and the brightly colored court ladies. He toyed with his sash. He hummed the pirate song to himself under his breath. For the most part he left the speeches to SG-7, the diplomatic team. But it came to his turn to speak. He was in no condition but it didn’t matter. As the Commanding Officer, he had to make a speech. Janet came up behind him to call him to heel. She knew he was playing games.
“Sir, if you don’t sober up right now, I’ll make you sniff ammonia,” Janet threatened in a whisper. “We both know perfectly well you aren’t drunk.”
“Fine,” Jack growled back at her. Then he stood to make his speech. Once on his feet he surveyed the room which grew quiet expecting something profound.
I got nothing. Aw screw it. They can’t touch me.
“I just have to tell you, Satrap, sir. This is a GREAT shindig. The best I’ve been to in, well, sheesh, well, a really long time, my Highness.” Jack half-suppressed a burp.
Daniel clapped his hand to his cheek and watched the show. Jack was in rare form.
“Listen buddy,” Jack said to the Satrap. “I just wanna thank you for a swell evening and these really cool duds.” Jack fingered the sash with which he became fascinated. “We are all really glad we got to know you nice folks. And, I’m glad we could help you out of a jam. Together, we won a war. We made a treaty. We had a little nosh. It’s been fun. No really, it’s been…real.” Jack eyed Janet, “Thanks for letting me blow up a gaggle of bad guys. We made them walk the plank and gave them the old heave ho…yo ho, yo ho! (I always wanted to be a pirate,” Jack grinned rakishly.)
“Sir, that was a wonderful speech,” Major Samantha Carter stood up and started to clap making sure the Earth team did too. She was trying to get the Colonel to think the speech was over. No way. Jack wasn’t done.
“Now, Daniel over there never wanted to be a pirate. No, sir, he wanted to grow up to be an anthro-apologist. Yep, and a darn good one he was too. Yes you are, pal, a darn good one. Everyone give Daniel a hand.” Jack began to clap. “His candle burnt out before his meal was cooked, the putz.”
The Farrar were appalled. SG-7 and Jack’s team looked confused and concerned. Clearly, Jack was not in his right mind. Eventually the room clapped for Daniel not knowing which of the Earth team members Daniel was. Daniel grimaced and waved at Jack hoping he would stop and soon.
"He should have helped me out of a jam. And, my buddy Teal’c?” Jack looked around as if to find Teal’c.
“Poor guy got hooked up with me. Yes, he went through a lot, and I mean a lot. Phfffttt." He couldn’t see Teal’c right away, and then Jack shrugged and continued. “He was always a pirate at heart. But he’s not here. No sir. He’s with the other…pirates.”
Daniel groaned. Carter looked down biting her lip in embarrassment.
“And Carter… she’s well not interested, she, never mind. Anyway, thanks buddy,” Jack said to the Satrap. “You made a really crappy day a little brighter. Great party. Listen, one of these days you should come fishing with me. I know a place in Minnesota where the bass grow this big,” he held out both hands about three feet apart and adjusted down a little and then out some more. “Carter never enjoyed fishing. That’s why she wouldn’t come. Oh she said she did, but she didn’t. I could tell. Shhhhhh! Don’t tell,” Jack looked around shushing everyone.
“Teal’c can’t get enough. The man is an animal out there at my pond. Isn’t that right, Danny?” Jack mumbled something about now Danny never would be at his pond again. “I have no fish in my pond. So, thanks for the hospital...al...al...lity. You’re a real mensch and I want you should know it.”
Jack looked around the room once and sank down on the cushions. Hesitant applause started and the SGC people rose to their feet to put a good face on the incident. The Satrap didn’t know what to make of it so he smiled a politician’s smile and let folks think he seemed pleased. He was thunderstruck. O’Neill was more angry than drunk. During the negotiations, the Satrap observed O’Neill, concluding he was a controlled person giving nothing away. And here he was venting before the entire assembly. Something was terribly wrong.
The Satrap had his handlers make inquiries. The answer came back what had happened. O’Neill had lost his best friend under terrible circumstances. Daniel was dead and it had broken the Colonel’s heart. This matter of the heart the Satrap understood well. Then he found out that his friend, the colonel, had been tortured as recently as a few weeks ago, which is why he had gone missing. The Satrap realized Jack was under considerable strain.
Looking around, the Satrap saw his ministers were horrified at the antics. Yet this outburst provided an opportunity. At this point, no one would object to what he had in mind. It would serve these arrogant people right. O’Neill was the solution to a nasty political problem. Now was the time to kill two birds with one stone. He could ostensibly give a gift to O’Neill and maybe deal with internal matters, showing how shrewd and cunning a leader he really was. While O’Neill went back to brooding into his sash, the Satrap issued his instructions and let the rest of the speeches continue until he knew things were ready for the exchange of presents.
The gifts we sent are stupid. They should have listened to me. I sent that memo three months ago, but no, they shelved it. They have no clue in Washington about how to deal with aliens. These folks aren’t going to sell Manhattan for beads. D’oh.
Oh no! Not that thing, for crying out loud.
After an hour, the exchange along with all the speeches came to its conclusion. The Satrap stood up. Everyone became hushed. He turned to Jack and addressed him as his good friend. It was obvious the Satrap liked Jack and it was no false show.
The roofer comes this week. I need to tell him about the wasps in the attic.
Jack stared up at him trying to concentrate. He was having difficulty but he plastered a smile and stared without listening. He knew the drill and was forcing himself to complete the mission. He wanted to go home and drink himself to sleep. Tomorrow was the weekend.
I have until Monday to sober up. All I want is the show to be over. What a way to end my days of wandering the Galaxy. I’m going to get drunk and stay that way for the next 48 hrs. What could they do to me for it? Nothing.
“Where would any of us be without our good friends from Earth,” intoned the Satrap waxing warm in the gaze of his audience? “We are fortunate to have among us such gallant warriors. Because of them, improbable as it seems, we are free of the Goa’uld.”
Holy crap, just get on with it.
They think they can send anyone out to hijack motherships. Carter can hot wire a ship with the best of them. But she can’t lead. Makepeace could get the job done, but that’s a dead issue, cuz he’s…dead. They don’t have anyone to fill my shoes.
Idiots.
“Chief among these brave souls is an honorable man, maybe the most honorable man in the Galaxy. I am told that Colonel O’Neill honored his word even to the vile Goa’uld.”
I did it for a little girl, you misogynistic pervert. The way you treat your women is a crime. You are a galactic embarrassment. You don’t deserve them.
But I do. Send a few over here.
I got that bit for Cassie’s school project. I need to drop it off at Janet’s. Saturday is my turn, no Carter’s turn, no I’m pretty sure it’s my turn with Cassie.
“He is so respected that three other races came to him to right a great and terrible wrong.”
I nearly got stranded off world thanks to that rat bastard, Maybourne. We wouldn’t be in this position if the Pentagon had listened to me. I told them we had to get more aggressive putting bases off world.
I’m going fishing after this. I need new lures. There have to be fish in that pond. I’ll stock the damn puddle if I have to.
“He is in fact so loved by the peoples of this galaxy that the most powerful and mighty Asgard named a space ship for him.”
Carter blew it up. Was that the best plan you could come up with? I could have told Thor that. Seems I’m not as dumb as you think, Carter.
Instead I nearly died AGAIN fighting the Replicators on a stinking underwater tin can. Damn Russkies can’t build worth crap. That was one rusty bucket. Yeah, Replicators made out of rusty Russian scrap iron. What a joke. I told them not to play footsies with the Reds. Now we have them banging at the Gate to get through. How the hell did we wind up renting the damn Gate from them? I told them to shove it, but got overruled once again. Somebody has to stand up to Ivan.
“And what did he get for all of these great deeds?” The Satrap was working the room now. “He is so modest that all he has received are a few honors, some medals, and his rank. I say it is not enough. We on Farrar know how to treat our heroes. Behold!”
Hey I earned every one of these trifling honors you coward. That’s right, bully some woman but get someone else to fight for you. You make me sick.
I want to see that new Harry Potter movie.
Applause thundered through the crowd.
Uh oh, he’s gonna give me a woman. I’ve been there done that, got the t-shirt that reads, ‘I caught alien clap on Argos.’
The lights dimmed and drums rolled. The Satrap clapped his hands, “There is one more gift.” A hush descended over the crowd. “For my good friend Colonel O’Neill, I will give him what no man should be without.”
Oh crap, he is going to do it. What the hell? If I refuse, the treaty is canned. If I say yes, I get laid. Tomorrow I go home and get an Annulus annulment. Hey that’s catchy.
I shouldn’t do it. But I’m the only one who can. If I don’t, they’ll trash the damn treaty. Why is it always up to me?
‘Think of England,’ as they say.
“It was amazing to me that no one has thought to do this for my good friend before now.”
You aren’t that original, you jerk. I’ve lost count of the women offered to me by dirt bags like you.
“For all the wonderful things and great sacrifices born by such an important gallant soldier, more should be done than a few trifling honors and small recognitions. The Farrar are a great people. There are none more generous. So I will rectify the situation immediately.”
What do I have to fuck tonight? Bring it on. I want big tits, huge honkin’ tits on her, you hear me?
“It is my privilege to offer the very best our society has to offer for our great hero,” the Satrap announced looking straight at Jack. “I hope the gift will please you and that you will accept it.”
I’ve got the fate of the Galaxy in my pants.
“Sure, I’d be happy to,” Jack said with as much official dignity as he could muster which wasn’t all that much. “It’s very thoughtful I’m sure.”
But why just one? Send a whole flock of them. I could do them all tonight. Or rather let them do me. Shit, I could have been fucking my way across the Galaxy for the last six years.
I can’t even impress a date with stories back on Earth.
‘So little lady, shall I tell you about the time I killed a System Lord and stole his SPACE SHIP?’
Classified.
‘What do I do for a living? Well I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you.’ That one gets old. ‘My job is just out of this world.’ Not anymore, damn.
Then the Satrap sat down and ordered the last gift brought out.
Maybe I’ll kill this one for fun, autoerotic asphyxiation, sounds about right. Ba’al did it to me. It’s a party trick for the Goa’uld. Line up a bunch of humans and fuck them until they die. Then revive them and do it again.
“Don’t do it, Jack,” Daniel appeared just to his left. “Just say, ‘no.’ He’s setting you up.”
Just say ‘no?’ Humph, just play dumb. It works every time. D’oh. I’m so going to enjoy this.
I deserve it. Besides, I’m not doing it for just me. We need the stuff to DEFEND ourselves. You sure as hell aren’t lifting your glowy finger.
“I know it’s a trap, Daniel,” Jack whispered. “That gives me the advantage. Didn’t you learn anything all that time you were with me?”
I’m here representing Earth. What, I should let them think we can’t get it up when it counts?
Several bearers carried out a tented platform covered in bright silks and flowers. Everyone craned his neck to see what it could be. Daniel had a worried expression on his face. He tried to get Jack’s attention but Jack suddenly became entranced with his ‘pirate’ sash. The Satrap touched Jack’s sleeve to get his attention and pointed toward the pallet.
Did I set my VCR? Damn, I can’t remember and there’s a new Simpsons episode tonight. Oh, right I set it for ‘weekly’ event. Do I have a tape in there?
The curtains fell down revealing a beautiful young woman sitting on a chair. The crowd oohed and ahhhed with approval. The SGC delegation appeared to be confused.
“Is she bringing something to the Colonel,” asked Major Davis?
“Shhh, I don’t know,” answered Carter. “Jonas, find out what’s going on.”
“I’m on it.”
“I believe she intends to spend time with O’Neill,” offered Teal’c. Sam gave him a dirty look. He raised an eyebrow at her. But O’Neill was thinking of other things.
I have to clean my gutters. The leaves are almost all off the trees by now. Oh, and I need more plastic bags for the leaves. What was that other thing I keep forgetting to pick up? Oh, right, enzyme for the clogged drain, I must make a note.
Catching sight of the young woman, Jack’s eyes narrowed as he licked his lips.
Now, that’s what I call …HOT!