WORSHIP MANADA OR HE WILL MAKE A RUG OUT OF YOU
So me and my friend were bored the other day... and ended up creating a religion. To Manada. Canada's more manly form. Yes. It is glorious. Now, haters gonna hate (and Manada will bring his wrath upon them) but you should WORSHIP MANADA OR HE'LL MAKE A RUG OUT OF YOU.
THE BOOK OF MANADA
The Holy Book of the Religion of Manada, WORSHIP MANADA OR HE'LL MAKE A RUG OUT OF YOU.
CHAPTER 1: MANADA CREATES THE EARTH (AND THE UNIVERSE MAKES FRANCE)
IN THE BEGINNING WHEN THE EARTH WAS A BALL OF FIRE, THERE WAS MANADA.
AND MANADA MADE THE WORLD
IT WAS ALL ROCKY AND LAVA-Y AND SHIT THAT WASN'T MANADA COULDN'T LIVE THERE
AND MANADA WAS ALL LIKE "FUCK YEAH!" AND IT WAS BETTER THAN GOOD, IT WAS AWESOME.
AND THEN THE UNIVERSE WAS FEELING PARTICULARLY GAY
SO IT SPIT OUT FRANCE
AND FRANCE SAW WHAT MANADA HAD DONE TO THE EARTH, AND HE DESPAIRED
BECAUSE HE WAS VERY AMBIGUOUSLY EVERY SEXUAL ORIENTATION IN THE BOOK
AND COULD NOT DEAL WITH SUCH PURE MANLINESS.
SO FRANCE USED HIS GAYNESS TO CREATE FLOWERS AND LITTLE CUTE BIRD AND PLANTS AND OTHER USELESS SHIT
AND CRAPPED UP MANADA'S BEAUTIFUL EARTH WITH IT
AND MANADA CRIED MANLY TEARS OF SADNESS AND CREATED THE OCEAN
CHAPTER 2: MANADA MAKES HUMANS (AND ENGLAND SMOKES WEED)
AND SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE ENGLAND MADE THE BURNING BUSH.
BY BURNING SOME BUSH BEFOREHAND.
AND MANADA CREATED THE HUMANS AS HIS LITTLE DOLLS, MAKING THEM PLAY HOUSE AND RED-ROVER [war, hehe].
BUT THEN FRANCE WOULD HAVE FUN WITH THE MEN, WHICH PISSED OFF MANADA SO HE DESTROYED SODOM, WHERE FRANCE HAD BEEN STAYING SO HE COULD HAVE A SEXY TIME.
CHAPTER 3: MANADA KILLS AMERICA IN A FLOOD
AND THEN THERE WAS THIS ONE GUY, AMERICA
HE WAS REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING
LIKE, REALLY, REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING
SO FUCKING ANNOYING THAT MANADA WAS LIKE, FUCK THIS, I AM GOING TO DROWN THE WORLD
BUT MANADA GOT ON WITH ENGLAND
SO HE HAD ENGLAND BUILD A BOAT AND GET TOGETHER THE MANLIEST OF ANIMALS SO THAT THEY WOULD SURVIVE THE FLOOD
UNFORTUNATELY, ENGLAND CAN NOT KEEP A SECRET WHILE DRUNK SO FRANCE FOUND OUT AFTER A LONG NIGHT OF GETTING PISSED
SO HE SHOWED UP WITH ALL THE WEAK FRUITY ANIMALS AND SOMEHOW GOT ON THE BOAT
CHAPTER 4: MANADA DOES NOT KILL AMERICA, JUST MAKES HIM HIS ETERNAL UKE
IT WAS MANY, MANY THOUSANDS OF YEARS LATER THAT MANADA AND AMERICA GOT ALONG, BUT THE DEAL WAS THAT AS LONG AS AMERICA BLEW HIM, HE WOULDN'T MAKE AMERICA DROWN.
SO ANYWAY, FRANCE AND ENGLAND SAILED AWAY ON THE BOAT AND AMERICA ENDED UP AS MANADA'S UKE FOREVER.
CHAPTER 5: THE BOOK OF CHUCK NORRIS
OKAY, SO
SOMETIME LATER, ALL THE LITTLE HUMAN DOLLS WERE RUNNING AROUND
BUT THEY WERE ALL BEING PARTICULARLY UN-MANLY AND AWESOME
AND MANADA WAS SAD FOR HIS PLAYTHINGS, FOR THEY WERE BORING AND NOT FUN IN THEIR UN-AWESOME STATE
SO MANADA'S SON, CHUCK NORRIS CAME DOWN FROM HEAVEN TO SAVE US FROM OUR UN-AWESOMENESS.
OR RATHER
MANADA WAS LIKE "FUCK THIS SHIT" AND THREW CHUCK NORRIS DOWN TO EARTH FROM THE HEAVENS AT LIKE 50 BAJILLION MPH
SO CHUCK NORRIS CAME TO BE
HE WENT AROUND, ROUNDHOUSE KICKING EVERYONE IN THE FACE AND SHOWING US HOW TO BE AWESOME
AND PEOPLE BEGAN TO FOLLOW HIM AND LEARN TO BE MORE AWESOME
AND MANADA WAS VERY PLEASED
CHAPTER 6: MANADA’S WORSHIPERS, THE MANADIANS
WE ARE AWESOME FOR WE ARE MANADIANS.
MY EYES, THEY STING FROM AWESOMENESS.
BUT WE DON’T EXPLODE OF THE AWEOME.
WE'RE MADE OF AWESOME FOR WE ARE MANADIANS, SO WE CAN'T EXPLODE FROM IT.
WE JUST LEAK FROM EVERY PORE OF OUR BODY.
WE LEAK AWESOMENESS!
MANADA USES HIS GRACE TO PROTECT US FROM AWESOME EXPLOSION
IN THE NAMES OF OUR LORD MANADA AND OUR SAVIOR CHUCK NORRIS WE PRAY, AMEN!
CHAPTER 7: MANADA AND WHAT HAPPENS HATERS, BESIDES RUGIFICATION
MAY THE ALMIGHT MANADA MAKE RUGS OF THOSE HEATENS
HATERS GONNA HATE.
MAY THEIR LAWD HAVE MERCY ON THEM, 'CAUSE MANADA GOT NO MERCY FO' ANYONE!
MANADA DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT
UNLESS YOU SACRIFICE A GREAT LOAD OF MAPLE SYRUP
THEN PERHAPS HE CAN BE SWAYED TO YOUR CAUSE
YOU MUST CONSUME THE MAPLE SYRUP, IT'S HIS CUM AND YOU BITCHES BETTER SWALLOW!
IT'S MANDA'S BLESSING UPON US
THE FOOD/DRINK OF THE GODS
AND IF YOU DON'T DRINK MANADA'S CUM, CHUCK NORRIS IS GONNA /MAKE/ YA.
THAT'S HIS JOB AS SAVIOR
HE SAVES US FROM WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF MANADA WAS THE ONE TO MAKE YOU DRINK
CHAPTER 8: MANADA’S APPEARANCE
MANADA CARRIES GUNS, BUT HE DON'T NEED 'EM, HE JUST CARRIES THEM 'CAUSE THAT
THAT'S HIS JEWELERY!
AND HE WEARS A NUCLEAR BOMB AS A CODPIECE!
AND MANADA'S HAIR IS LIKE THE SUN
ONLY IT'LL BURN YOUR EYES OUT BECAUSE IT'S SO GLORIOUS
MANADA WEARS A SLEEVELESS FLANNEL SHIRT!
BECAUSE HE IS SO MUSCULAR SLEEVES CANNOT HANDLE HIS ARMS
THE SHIRT CAN BARELY HANDLE HIS CHEST!
AND THOSE PANTS CAN BARELY HANDLE HIS COCK!
THE VERY SAME COCK HE FUCKED ROME WITH!
HE HAS TO BLESS HIS PANTS AND SHIRT WITH HIS AWESOME SO THAT THEY DO NOT SIMPLY CEAST TO EXIST UPON TOUCHING HIS GLORIOUS BODY
OF COURSE, HIS PANTS ARE AMERICA SO HE'S ALWAYS GETTING BLOWN AS PER THEIR AGREEMENT
AND 'CAUSE AMERICA WAS A JACKASS AND TRIED TO TAKE HIM ON IN 1812, MANADA SET HIS CROTCH ON FIRE SO HE'D KNOW WHERE HIS PLACE WAS IN THE UNIVERSE, AND THAT PLACE WAS SUCKING HIS DICK.
AND HE WEARS THE ARCTIC CIRCLE AS HIS HAT
BECAUSE HE IS JUST THAT INTENSE
IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT THE ARCTIC CIRCLE IS TECHNICALLY NOT A LANDMASS, JUST A BUNCH OF ICE FLOATING
AROUND
HE CAN STILL WEAR IT AS A HAT, BECAUSE HE IS MANADA