only the lonely [log; Bones and Angela; closed]
then you smile again but you’re looking at me like there’s something I’m supposed to say
forgive me, Father, but I’m falling in love and that’s all I have for confession today
well maybe if you asked me on any other given day, I wouldn’t have time for you or anything that you say
it’s alright now-you can blame it on me
They’ve been drinking for hours, so many bottles between them Bones thinks he must either be hallucinating some of them or dead already from alcohol poisoning. And then, somehow, for no reason, when Angela says something about how he and Jim seem like the closest friends she’d ever seen, he finds himself saying,
Bones: there are things... some things I just can't tell Jim.
Bones: Jim would never understand, would think it's just another aspect of his endless charm
Bones: would think "bones will get it out of his system soon enough"
Bones: but me, I'm a family man
Bones: i settle
Bones: Jim doesn't
Bones: he'd love me, but never for as long as I'd need him
Bones: and Jim would tell me to trust him, but I've been there before and it hurts too much
Angela: it's stupid to trust anyone with your heart, anyway.
Bones: 'tis
Bones: no one knows how to treat it proper but yourself
Angela: Sometimes I wonder if I even know that.
Bones: it's a hard thing to know
Angela: Fuck, what's love even look like, anyway? All I've seen is the aftermath where everything is ruined.
Bones: me as well, though i was at ground zero
Bones: divorced my first real love. or rather, she divorced me.
Bones: only reason I'm as sober as i am now is 'cuz of Jim.
Bones: i was planning on dropping out of Starfleet after a year. was gonna try and find a practice in the san-fran area.
Bones: but then i met jim, and everything changed.
Angela: He's like that. And shit... I'm sorry. I... my mom... she left us when I was three. Just out of no where. Woke up and she was gone and there was some bullshit note about how sorry she was and... she never came back.
Bones: I'm so sorry. i... i basically did the same to my daughter. my beautiful girl Joanna.
Angela: Never. Two years later, though, we got this letter about how she'd relinquished all her rights to me? Just like some sort of dog just totally gave me up.
Bones: she was two when we divorced.
Bones: Jocelyn never wanted me talking to her.
Bones: but if I'd just tried harder...
Bones: I could have done so much more...
Angela: No, no. you love your daughter, don't you?
Bones: of course
Bones: I love Jo so much
Angela: And that's what she needs. Just that. My own damn mother doesn't even love me and she never did.
Angela: Really, I guess... that doesn't make her my mother.
Bones: no, it doesn't
Bones: your family-- it's the people who love you
Bones: those who would give themselves for you without thought or second guess
Bones: the ones you'd trust your deepest, most awful secrets to without regret
Angela: You're right. you are. It just makes me wonder, you know? I just don't understand why love just... ends.
Bones: emotions are never that easy
Bones: if they were, we wouldn't have things like divorce
Bones: we'd just... go our own ways
Angela: Yeah. And... hey, you know? I'm sorry for unloading all this on you. I don't like to talk about her. And nows its all coming out at once and she's confusing and love is confusing and i... yeah. sorry.
Bones: no
Bones: don't apologize
Bones: I...
Bones: i never talk about Jocey, or Joanna
Bones: not with anyone but Jim
Bones: and I'm sorry about talking about him, too
Bones: you're the last person i should tell
Bones: christ
Bones: we both fucked this up, didn't we?
Angela: Yes. I think we did.
Bones: but it's not like we can talk to Jim about it.
Bones: and who else are we gonna talk to? Spock?
Angela: And you can talk to me, you know? it's not like he's my boyfriend. He just.. .is.
Angela: And I'd rather shoot myself in the foot before I cry to Spock because I have mommy issues.
Bones: I'd rather chew off my own damn fingers than resort to Spock as an emotional outlet.
Bones: and Jim...
Bones: god bless him, he's my best friend...
Bones: but sometimes, he's about as subtle as a brick to the face.
Angela: *laughs, smiles finally* He tries, you know? I like his honesty.
Bones: it is refreshing
Bones: *he has one of his rare, Jim-inspired smiles*
Bones: (which, if nothing else, would convince you)
Angela: And us. We're cool, right? I know you... I mean.. I'd guess it's hard to see me with Jim.
Bones: It's...
Bones: I'd rather it be you than some random skirt-of-the-day.
Bones: At least you have a slew of positive attributes.
Bones: couldn't say the same for some of them.
Bones: besides...
Bones: it's never going to be me, Angela. it might as well be someone who makes him happy
Bones: and you do
Bones: I've never seen him this...
Bones: focused.
Bones: this content.
Bones: you do something for him
Bones: and that makes me happy.
Bones: *even as his eyes fill with tears*
Angela: *she's quiet, because this is not the conversation she thought she'd be having today* Thanks. It's.. I mean. Thank you.
Bones: *well, him neither, fuck*
Angela: *she's scared now, too, because she hasn't let herself think of Jim as anything serious.* I won't hurt him. I won't.
Bones: I know.
Bones: If anything, you two idiots will do something stupid and I'll have to come in and fix it.
Bones: you're far too similar for your own damn good
Bones: *but he pats her hand in a fatherly manner*
Bones: it's okay
Bones: he won't hurt you
Bones: not intentionally, not ever.
Bones: you can trust him.
Angela: I want to. Fuck, I want to.
Angela: I'm not sure I can. I don't know if I'm even capable of trusting him. Not because it's him. Because.. well of anyone.
Angela: *reconsiders* Or maybe I don't trust myself.
Bones: trust is...
Bones: i can't honestly tell you.
Bones: because the last time i trusted myself, i got on a shuttle as a recruit and i met Jim.
Bones: and ever since, I've had trust in Jim
Bones: that's why i smuggled him on the enterprise in the first place
Bones: i don't know what he thinks i did it for
Bones: but it was purely selfish
Bones: i couldn't imagine being up there without him
Angela: He's lucky to have you. I hope you know how happy you make him. You keep him grounded, and shit, someone has to and I think we both know it won't be me.
Angela: He's listening even when you think he isn't.
Bones: god, i don't know Angela
Bones: i don't even know
Bones: i feel so damn old on this ship.
Bones: so out of place
Angela: But you're not! You're needed here. And you're not old even if with all the shit you've been through you feel like you should be.
Bones: *it's so hard to take what she says and really make it register*
Bones: thanks for saying that, but i think you'll understand if I'm hesitant to believe you
Angela: I get it.
Angela: Well, I like having you here.
Bones: i... i like having you here as well.
Angela: Even if you do call me on my shit and make me cry in medical and yell at me. I like you here.
Bones: well.
Bones: it isn't special treatment.
Bones: so don't get to thinking i like you better than the others
Bones: *smirk*
Angela: *smiles* I wouldn't dream of it.
Angela: *she's clearly deciding something, torn on what to do.*
Angela: *after a moment, she hugs him*
Bones: ...
Bones: *is very, very still*
Angela: Sorry. * she moves away from him again* I ... sorry.
Bones: no, i...
Bones: i haven't been hugged since i last saw Joanna.
Bones: it's been four years.
Bones: i...
Bones: *he throws himself at her, hugging her so tight, wrapping her up in his arms*
Angela: *she's surprised, almost startled for a long moment, before putting her arms around him*
Bones: *he's taking deep breaths, trying not to cry*
Angela: *it's oddly comforting, and she still can't believe that, of all people, she’s connecting with McCoy.* Shit. *she's fighting back tears too, because she's finally let everything out that she's been keeping inside*
Bones: it's alright *he tentatively runs a hand over her hair, the way he used to do with jo* it'll... *his voice cracks* it'll be okay
Angela: *she nods, and finally there are tears* Okay. *something about him reminds her of her dad, and it's wonderful.* Are you okay?
Bones: *the way she looks at him, so innocent, so trusting, just breaks something inside him. no one's ever looked at him like that*
Bones: I... I'm... I'll be fine, yeah. *his voice is scratchy and strained, high from forcing back tears* everything will be alright, I promise. *he can't look at her anymore, because at any moment she might turn into Jo, so he hugs her tighter*
Angela: I know. *her voice is soft, because she hates the way it sounds when she cries.* I know. *she falls quiet, content with the closeness while she lets herself cry everything out*
Bones: *he slowly, carefully, sinks them both down to the floor, leaning against the wall as he cradles her head in his shoulder. and she might feel warm tears falling in her hair, against her neck, because he's silently crying too, for all he's lost, for all he might have gained*
Angela: *her tears slow, and eventually taper off, but she stays where she is, feeling safe.* I'm here, whenever you need me. *she thinks he must, after this.*
Bones: *his arms wrap closer around her, pulling her close like a child* i know, Angela, i know *he rests his head lightly atop hers, letting his quiet tears be absorbed by her hair* thank you *he murmurs into her hair*
Angela: *she can't help but smile a little, because she's found something - someone - she needs* No worries. *She knows he's crying, but thinks its better to not say anything. There's comfort for them both without pointing it out*
forgive me, Father, but I’m falling in love and that’s all I have for confession today
well maybe if you asked me on any other given day, I wouldn’t have time for you or anything that you say
it’s alright now-you can blame it on me
They’ve been drinking for hours, so many bottles between them Bones thinks he must either be hallucinating some of them or dead already from alcohol poisoning. And then, somehow, for no reason, when Angela says something about how he and Jim seem like the closest friends she’d ever seen, he finds himself saying,
Bones: there are things... some things I just can't tell Jim.
Bones: Jim would never understand, would think it's just another aspect of his endless charm
Bones: would think "bones will get it out of his system soon enough"
Bones: but me, I'm a family man
Bones: i settle
Bones: Jim doesn't
Bones: he'd love me, but never for as long as I'd need him
Bones: and Jim would tell me to trust him, but I've been there before and it hurts too much
Angela: it's stupid to trust anyone with your heart, anyway.
Bones: 'tis
Bones: no one knows how to treat it proper but yourself
Angela: Sometimes I wonder if I even know that.
Bones: it's a hard thing to know
Angela: Fuck, what's love even look like, anyway? All I've seen is the aftermath where everything is ruined.
Bones: me as well, though i was at ground zero
Bones: divorced my first real love. or rather, she divorced me.
Bones: only reason I'm as sober as i am now is 'cuz of Jim.
Bones: i was planning on dropping out of Starfleet after a year. was gonna try and find a practice in the san-fran area.
Bones: but then i met jim, and everything changed.
Angela: He's like that. And shit... I'm sorry. I... my mom... she left us when I was three. Just out of no where. Woke up and she was gone and there was some bullshit note about how sorry she was and... she never came back.
Bones: I'm so sorry. i... i basically did the same to my daughter. my beautiful girl Joanna.
Angela: Never. Two years later, though, we got this letter about how she'd relinquished all her rights to me? Just like some sort of dog just totally gave me up.
Bones: she was two when we divorced.
Bones: Jocelyn never wanted me talking to her.
Bones: but if I'd just tried harder...
Bones: I could have done so much more...
Angela: No, no. you love your daughter, don't you?
Bones: of course
Bones: I love Jo so much
Angela: And that's what she needs. Just that. My own damn mother doesn't even love me and she never did.
Angela: Really, I guess... that doesn't make her my mother.
Bones: no, it doesn't
Bones: your family-- it's the people who love you
Bones: those who would give themselves for you without thought or second guess
Bones: the ones you'd trust your deepest, most awful secrets to without regret
Angela: You're right. you are. It just makes me wonder, you know? I just don't understand why love just... ends.
Bones: emotions are never that easy
Bones: if they were, we wouldn't have things like divorce
Bones: we'd just... go our own ways
Angela: Yeah. And... hey, you know? I'm sorry for unloading all this on you. I don't like to talk about her. And nows its all coming out at once and she's confusing and love is confusing and i... yeah. sorry.
Bones: no
Bones: don't apologize
Bones: I...
Bones: i never talk about Jocey, or Joanna
Bones: not with anyone but Jim
Bones: and I'm sorry about talking about him, too
Bones: you're the last person i should tell
Bones: christ
Bones: we both fucked this up, didn't we?
Angela: Yes. I think we did.
Bones: but it's not like we can talk to Jim about it.
Bones: and who else are we gonna talk to? Spock?
Angela: And you can talk to me, you know? it's not like he's my boyfriend. He just.. .is.
Angela: And I'd rather shoot myself in the foot before I cry to Spock because I have mommy issues.
Bones: I'd rather chew off my own damn fingers than resort to Spock as an emotional outlet.
Bones: and Jim...
Bones: god bless him, he's my best friend...
Bones: but sometimes, he's about as subtle as a brick to the face.
Angela: *laughs, smiles finally* He tries, you know? I like his honesty.
Bones: it is refreshing
Bones: *he has one of his rare, Jim-inspired smiles*
Bones: (which, if nothing else, would convince you)
Angela: And us. We're cool, right? I know you... I mean.. I'd guess it's hard to see me with Jim.
Bones: It's...
Bones: I'd rather it be you than some random skirt-of-the-day.
Bones: At least you have a slew of positive attributes.
Bones: couldn't say the same for some of them.
Bones: besides...
Bones: it's never going to be me, Angela. it might as well be someone who makes him happy
Bones: and you do
Bones: I've never seen him this...
Bones: focused.
Bones: this content.
Bones: you do something for him
Bones: and that makes me happy.
Bones: *even as his eyes fill with tears*
Angela: *she's quiet, because this is not the conversation she thought she'd be having today* Thanks. It's.. I mean. Thank you.
Bones: *well, him neither, fuck*
Angela: *she's scared now, too, because she hasn't let herself think of Jim as anything serious.* I won't hurt him. I won't.
Bones: I know.
Bones: If anything, you two idiots will do something stupid and I'll have to come in and fix it.
Bones: you're far too similar for your own damn good
Bones: *but he pats her hand in a fatherly manner*
Bones: it's okay
Bones: he won't hurt you
Bones: not intentionally, not ever.
Bones: you can trust him.
Angela: I want to. Fuck, I want to.
Angela: I'm not sure I can. I don't know if I'm even capable of trusting him. Not because it's him. Because.. well of anyone.
Angela: *reconsiders* Or maybe I don't trust myself.
Bones: trust is...
Bones: i can't honestly tell you.
Bones: because the last time i trusted myself, i got on a shuttle as a recruit and i met Jim.
Bones: and ever since, I've had trust in Jim
Bones: that's why i smuggled him on the enterprise in the first place
Bones: i don't know what he thinks i did it for
Bones: but it was purely selfish
Bones: i couldn't imagine being up there without him
Angela: He's lucky to have you. I hope you know how happy you make him. You keep him grounded, and shit, someone has to and I think we both know it won't be me.
Angela: He's listening even when you think he isn't.
Bones: god, i don't know Angela
Bones: i don't even know
Bones: i feel so damn old on this ship.
Bones: so out of place
Angela: But you're not! You're needed here. And you're not old even if with all the shit you've been through you feel like you should be.
Bones: *it's so hard to take what she says and really make it register*
Bones: thanks for saying that, but i think you'll understand if I'm hesitant to believe you
Angela: I get it.
Angela: Well, I like having you here.
Bones: i... i like having you here as well.
Angela: Even if you do call me on my shit and make me cry in medical and yell at me. I like you here.
Bones: well.
Bones: it isn't special treatment.
Bones: so don't get to thinking i like you better than the others
Bones: *smirk*
Angela: *smiles* I wouldn't dream of it.
Angela: *she's clearly deciding something, torn on what to do.*
Angela: *after a moment, she hugs him*
Bones: ...
Bones: *is very, very still*
Angela: Sorry. * she moves away from him again* I ... sorry.
Bones: no, i...
Bones: i haven't been hugged since i last saw Joanna.
Bones: it's been four years.
Bones: i...
Bones: *he throws himself at her, hugging her so tight, wrapping her up in his arms*
Angela: *she's surprised, almost startled for a long moment, before putting her arms around him*
Bones: *he's taking deep breaths, trying not to cry*
Angela: *it's oddly comforting, and she still can't believe that, of all people, she’s connecting with McCoy.* Shit. *she's fighting back tears too, because she's finally let everything out that she's been keeping inside*
Bones: it's alright *he tentatively runs a hand over her hair, the way he used to do with jo* it'll... *his voice cracks* it'll be okay
Angela: *she nods, and finally there are tears* Okay. *something about him reminds her of her dad, and it's wonderful.* Are you okay?
Bones: *the way she looks at him, so innocent, so trusting, just breaks something inside him. no one's ever looked at him like that*
Bones: I... I'm... I'll be fine, yeah. *his voice is scratchy and strained, high from forcing back tears* everything will be alright, I promise. *he can't look at her anymore, because at any moment she might turn into Jo, so he hugs her tighter*
Angela: I know. *her voice is soft, because she hates the way it sounds when she cries.* I know. *she falls quiet, content with the closeness while she lets herself cry everything out*
Bones: *he slowly, carefully, sinks them both down to the floor, leaning against the wall as he cradles her head in his shoulder. and she might feel warm tears falling in her hair, against her neck, because he's silently crying too, for all he's lost, for all he might have gained*
Angela: *her tears slow, and eventually taper off, but she stays where she is, feeling safe.* I'm here, whenever you need me. *she thinks he must, after this.*
Bones: *his arms wrap closer around her, pulling her close like a child* i know, Angela, i know *he rests his head lightly atop hers, letting his quiet tears be absorbed by her hair* thank you *he murmurs into her hair*
Angela: *she can't help but smile a little, because she's found something - someone - she needs* No worries. *She knows he's crying, but thinks its better to not say anything. There's comfort for them both without pointing it out*