If You’ve Got a Lantern Hold It High, chapter 4: The Most Amazing Place
IF YOU'VE GOT A LANTERN HOLD IT HIGH
Summary: Three years after the war, a stranger arrives at Hogwarts with a letter addressed to Minerva McGonagall by the familiar hand of an old friend. Before the summer is through, the contents of the letter will bring together several lives that might otherwise never have touched.
Chapter Four: The Most Amazing Place
Hogwarts was amazing.
Mama had told River some things about the school, the little bit she knew about it: that it was a place for learning wizard magic; that it was a big, beautiful building; that almost every magical child in the whole country went there.
And Quiet, when he'd lived with them in the pack, had told River stories about when he was a student at Hogwarts. He'd tried at first to pretend they were stories of some other boy, that it wasn't him who'd got up to all kinds of trouble and adventures with his friends, but River could always tell when the stories were really about him.
But neither of them had prepared her for how Hogwarts was so completely amazing.
They travelled there first inside a powerful steam-driven train, then over a beautiful lake in little boats all lit up with lanterns, guided by an enormous man who kept saying, "All righ', firs'-years, all righ'?" and grinning like the sight of new students arriving at the school made him the happiest he could possibly be.
And then, and then, rising out of the rocks at the far side of the lake, framed by the mountains and the dimming sky: there was the castle.
Mama had tried to explain how it was so big it was almost like its own whole city, but Hogwarts was a place even Mama couldn't explain with words. River laughed now to think she'd seen that big white bank in Diagon Alley and imagined it might be a school. The school was a thousand times as marvellous as a bank!
There were staircases that moved and high towers that reached way up into the sky and long corridors begging to be explored and adults whose entire job it was to teach the children magic.
And there were so, so, so many children. River had spent most of her life as the only child in her pack and that was fine, she'd always loved having so many grown-ups around to tell her stories. But now she looked around, in the great hall where they all stood waiting their turn to try on a hat that would tell them which of the school's four houses to join, and she saw the many other students and wondered with an excited flutter in her stomach what it might be like to have so many friends her own age.
First, though, came her turn under the Sorting Hat.
River sat on the stool where Headmistress McGonagall had pointed and felt the Hat's weight settle down over her ears. It was an ancient Hat. You could feel that about an object, when it was really, really old and had ages of wisdom stored up inside.
Hm, yes, said the Hat softly in River's ear. A tricky one! A challenge! I see a great deal of bravery, oh yes. But, too, there is no doubt you are wise beyond your years. Where shall I put you, little werewolf? What will you need more, to nurture the courage you possess, in order to navigate the difficulties you're sure to face in coming years, or to train your brain to outthink your opponents?
With all due respect, Mr Hat, River thought, because the Sorting Hat seemed like a thing you should think to rather than talk to, I'm here to learn. I don't care about outthinking or out bravery-ing anybody. I just want to learn lots and lots, as much as I possibly can.
Is that so? asked the Hat, and it sounded kind of like it chuckled, if a Hat could chuckle. Then it shouted very loudly, "RAVENCLAW!"
A whole segment of the room erupted in cheers and River stumbled up off the stool, a little dazed. She handed the Hat to the next first-year and ran to join her new House. Ravenclaw. Even the name was beautiful, like a silvery night of running under the moon.
Next there was food, so much food, and River got lost in it for a while, because she'd never seen so much to eat. Life was scrabbling to find food and never having quite enough and stretching what there was just a little bit so it would last until the next chance to hunt or scavenge, surely everyone knew that was simply how it was, and yet here were platter upon platter piled high with mouth-watering roasts and vegetable pies with crusts that flaked apart and potatoes roasted until they were golden and great tureens of steaming soup. And then when even River thought she couldn't eat any more, those dishes disappeared and were replaced by dainty plates of puddings and tarts and custards.
As the meal drew to a close, the din of chatter among the students grew. The boy on River's left - he was called Justinian, River remembered from the Sorting, though she couldn't remember the rest of his name except that it had been quite long and complicated - turned to her and said, "So what about you, then? Where are you from?"
River frowned, trying to remember how humans expected her to answer this question. Her pack was her most important allegiance, but people here didn't care about packs, Mama had said. And Ms Andromeda had said people mostly came from cities or towns, but River didn't come from a city or town, so she couldn't say one of those, either. Scotland! That's right, her pack lived in Scotland. Scotland was a country, which was like a city, but larger. She could say that.
"Scotland," River said, and gave a friendly smile to make up for it in case her answer was not quite right.
"Oh, yeah? Brilliant! I think it's excellent Hogwarts is here in Scotland. This is only my second time here. First was when my family did a holiday in the Hebrides last year, touring cursed castles and all that. I found a real mummified hand and Father said it was almost definitely from the Middle Ages. What part of Scotland are you from?" Justinian rested his elbows on the table and turned all the way to River, looking interested.
"Er…" It wasn't something she'd ever really thought about. The pack was the pack and the land was the land, and they moved around when they needed to, in search of food or fleeing danger when humans discovered their presence. Names of places didn't mean nearly as much as the changing of the seasons did, the signs in nature that said it was time to build a winter shelter or celebrate the rebirth of the world in spring. "We live on a moor, I suppose? On sort of a flat part of the land, where rabbits run and there are little stands of trees to shelter under and sometimes in spring the streams turn into rushing rivers."
Justinian's forehead crinkled up like he was trying to understand. "And you have, what, a cottage or something? Or, like, a country house?"
"No, we just…live on the moor."
Justinian stared at her, the last spoonfuls of berry trifle on his plate forgotten. "You live outdoors?"
"Yes…?" Mama had warned her there would be a lot of differences at first, and that it might take some time to figure out which things about River's life that seemed obvious to her would be the things that unexpectedly made the others confused or surprised. But this was the thing that was going to be surprising, that she lived outdoors, close to nature? Who wouldn't want to do that?
"You live outdoors, wow! That's wicked!"
River bristled. "Wicked like bad?"
Justinian burst out laughing and shoved River with his shoulder. "No, you goose, wicked like supremely excellent! Ooh, you are so lucky! Can I visit you at home during the school holidays sometime?"
River tried to picture a human kid visiting her pack's encampment, among their cosy stand of evergreen trees on the moor. Would he even be able to find the place, with all the werewolf magic that protected it, the spells woven around the camp to keep unwanted humans out?
"Yeah, maybe," she said, fighting back a grin. "I'd have to ask my grandfather, though."
River didn't have a grandfather, of course. What she had was the Alpha of her whole pack, which was so much more than a grandfather. But she and Mama had talked about words she could use when she talked about her life so humans would understand. It was like keeping all her important people close to her but putting them in fancy disguises, and River kind of liked that.
She didn't talk any more to Justinian just then, though, because at the teachers' table at the front of the hall Headmistress McGonagall stood and cleared her throat and started making announcements about the start of the term, and River turned rapt attention to this woman who was like the Alpha of this entire greater-than-a-pack, greater-than-a-bank, greater-than-a-city school of Hogwarts.
Prefects rounded up the new students and led them to bed soon after that, but River got a chance to meet Headmistress McGonagall in person the very next day.
She slept the night in Ravenclaw Tower in a bed. (A bed! There'd also been a bed at Ms Andromeda's house, and probably also way, way back in the past before River became a werewolf and joined the pack, but surely there had never in the world been a bed as nice as this one, with its fluffy soft pillows and the blue and bronze curtains that draped dreamily around its sides.) Even though she slept so comfortably, River woke up early in her eagerness to experience more of Hogwarts, and went down to the big round common room to sit in one of the window seats and gaze out over the school grounds. She'd never looked at the world from so high up and it seemed to go on forever, the lake and the forest and the mountains.
One of the Ravenclaw prefects found her there - prefects were like half-adults, who helped the adults with running the school - and told her that Headmistress McGonagall would like to see River in her office right away. River vibrated with anticipation all the way there as she followed the prefect, an Asian girl who looked a little like Ashmita from River's pack but younger and much taller. They went up and down corridors, until the prefect suddenly stopped.
"Thistle," the prefect said to a nearby stone gargoyle and the gargoyle jumped aside. River jumped too, in surprise. The wall behind the gargoyle opened and behind it was another moving staircase, this one going upwards in a spiral.
River followed the prefect onto the stairs and they rose towards the headmistress' office, River clutching her hands to her heart with excitement to be in a place where girls talked to stone, and stairs could make you feel like you were flying. Today, the first day of classes, she was finally going to learn how to use the brand-new wand that was carefully tucked inside the sleeve of her robe.
The prefect deposited River at the door to the office with a nod and a polite, "Professor McGonagall, ma'am," and then River was alone with the headmistress.
"Come in, Miss Ash," Headmistress McGonagall said.
It took River a moment to remember that that meant her. She did know her human name and also that it had two parts: Joy Ash. But River never used those names, because who needed so many?
She didn't dislike her human name, though. It was something she'd been given by her first mother, the one who'd died when River was small.
River stepped into the office and then tried not to stare, because there were portraits everywhere. She'd seen moving paintings already in other parts of the castle, and had nice chats with a few of them, but here portraits covered nearly every bit of the walls. They were mostly old-looking witches and wizards, and they were all looking at River with great interest.
"Sit down, Miss Ash," Headmistress McGonagall said, so River went to the chair that faced the headmistress' desk, sat up straight and waited to be told what to do next.
The headmistress' face was stern but her eyes were kind, River decided. She didn't look anything like the Alpha of River's pack, who was strict but fair, and sometimes fierce when he needed to be. But of course River knew that not all Alphas were the same.
Headmistress McGonagall fixed her gaze on River. "How has your first day at school been so far, Miss Ash?"
"Wonderful!" River cried. She was trying to be very polite and proper, because she was speaking to the headmistress, but her excitement burst out anyway. "Hogwarts is so amazing, ma'am. It's the best place I've ever been. I thought at first that maybe Diagon Alley was the best place, but it's definitely Hogwarts."
Headmistress McGonagall smiled like the smile had been surprised out of her. "You're settling in all right, then?"
"Oh, yes, Headmistress ma'am. Everyone is very, very kind."
"I'm glad to hear that." Then she sighed. "I had hoped to allow you a little more time to settle in before calling you in for a one-to-one conversation about the particulars of your condition, but it's come to my attention that it might be wise to discuss this now."
It took River a moment to understand all that, but then she got it. The headmistress wanted to discuss her being a werewolf at a non-werewolf school. She nodded.
"You know that I met with your mother before the school year started to discuss your attendance at Hogwarts," the headmistress said, and for a moment River felt dizzy. Usually if anyone said mother instead of mama, they meant the first one, the one who'd died, not Mama who'd rescued her and brought her to live with the pack.
But no, Headmistress McGonagall meant Mama. She'd talked to Mama about River coming to learn magic at Hogwarts.
"Yes, ma'am," River said.
"We discussed that it would be for the best that you not tell anyone, at first, about your lycanthropy."
"Indeed!" exclaimed one of the portraits behind the headmistress, a plump woman in scarlet robes.
"A scandal!" cried a dark-haired man in another picture frame, wearing a green robe. "The whole thing would never have been allowed in my day."
Headmistress McGonagall pursed her lips and looked like she was barely supressing an urge to roll her eyes, which wasn't something River would have thought headmistresses did.
"Not because you have anything to be ashamed of," McGonagall said. "But for your safety, your mother and I agreed it would be best to be cautious. Even now, although the laws have improved, many long-existing prejudices linger. It can be hard to know how people will react to meeting a werewolf."
River was confused. "I haven't told anyone I'm a werewolf, though, ma'am. Mama told me not to and I wouldn't disobey Mama."
In a surprisingly gentle voice, Headmistress McGonagall said, "Last night at dinner, a teacher overheard part of your conversation with another student. Did you tell a boy in your house that your family live outdoors on the moor?"
"Yes, ma'am," River said, still confused. "I told him that because it's true. But I didn't tell him we're werewolves."
Still in that strangely gentle voice, the headmistress said, "Most witches and wizards don't live out of doors. They live in houses, perhaps in manors or castles, but living outdoors is…quite unusual. The boy you spoke with last night may not have made any connection based on what you told him, but if rumours begin to spread, someone else might do so. I hate to ask you to be so cautious in speaking to your peers, truly I do, but I very much want your years at Hogwarts to be a safe and happy time. If you could be more cautious in what you reveal of your home life, it would make that goal easier."
River's throat was getting tight and hot. It was hard to squeak the words out. "You want me to tell lies, ma'am?"
Looking unhappy, Headmistress McGonagall said, "Not lie, necessarily, although you do have my permission to tell unavoidable untruths within these school walls if it will keep you safe. But perhaps you would be willing to consider what might be called lies of omission: not lying, but simply not revealing the truth." The look she gave River was so sad, like all the weight of the world rested in the lines of her aged face. "I'm sorry, Miss Ash. But when you've lived as long as I have, when you've seen the horrors I have -"
River was standing, even though she didn't remember getting to her feet. Her whole body was cringing at the wrongness of standing up to an elder, let alone an Alpha. If she were at home she would get bitten on the back of her neck for this for sure, but she was tingling with anger and she couldn't stop.
"I'm not sorry about being a werewolf!" she said. "I'm not - what's the word you said - I'm not ashamed! I'm a werewolf and it's the best thing about me! I run with the moon and I live with a pack and I respect my elders - I mean, almost always I do - and I honour the Mother our Earth and all the seasons that give us life and the Beltane fire and Samhain night when our loved spirits return and those are the best parts of me! I won't hide them if somebody asks! And when Justinian asked and I told him we live on the moor, he thought it was really cool!" Now River was crying, hot tears running down her face, and she didn't know why.
"Oh - child -" Headmistress McGonagall said. She looked stricken, and for a moment she sat there stiff and straight behind her desk like she didn't know what to do.
Then she rose from her chair. She hesitated another moment, then she came around from behind her desk and knelt carefully in front of River. It put them more or less eye to eye, the tall woman and the smallish girl.
"You're right," the headmistress said, from where she knelt directly before River. "You have no cause to be ashamed. Never let anyone make you think that."
Then, very strange: the headmistress dropped her eyes.
She didn't do it by mistake. It was only for a moment, but there was no question that the headmistress lowered her gaze carefully to the floor, the same way somebody of low status would do for someone higher. Which meant that all of a sudden River was standing there and her teacher was the one in front of her with her eyes cast down. It surprised River so much, she stopped crying and dropped back into her chair in confusion. Because that wasn't supposed to happen ever, that her elder was kneeling in front of her and looking down.
But then she thought of Quiet.
Mama had said River shouldn't expect humans to know anything about werewolves; she should expect confusions and misunderstandings because there were so many things they wouldn't know about her, or she about them. But Quiet had obviously explained some things to Headmistress McGonagall. The headmistress knew about the language the eyes and the body used, the language that went beyond words, and she was trying to help River feel better that way, by apologising with her eyes. Even if the thing she was doing wasn't something a real Alpha would ever do.
River stared at the Headmistress, feeling awe that a human grown-up would try so hard like that, even as her own heart was still thumping in confusion. Her stomach, too, was churning as if it had just realised for the first time how far away home was, the moor with its fresh scents of wind and gorse and running water.
Headmistress McGonagall stood again. But she perched on the edge of her desk, instead of going back around to her seat on the other side of it. River rubbed away the tears from her cheeks.
The headmistress' voice sounded throaty when she spoke again. "My apologies for upsetting you so, Miss Ash. You must forgive me if I don't always get this right on the first try. I've been a teacher a long time, but I have little experience with lives like yours."
River blinked up at her, not sure what she was supposed to say.
"You know that Remus Lupin was a student of mine as well?" the headmistress asked.
River nodded. She remembered snuggling in Quiet's lap on lazy mornings, when all the adults of the pack were tired after a full moon and he was the only one willing to amuse her with stories about Potions class mishaps and late-night adventures. "Yes, ma'am," she said.
"Life was hard for him. Even here at Hogwarts, where he had friends and relative safety. We on the staff did all we could for him, but it was very hard. I don't wish to see that same story repeat." She gazed over River's head, not seeming to see the room they were in at all. "But times have changed," the headmistress said softly. "Perhaps it is I who am behind the times."
Again, River didn't know what she was expected to say to that, so she nodded.
Headmistress McGonagall blinked, then snapped her gaze back to River. "I am not forbidding you anything, Miss Ash," she said. "I ask only that you exercise caution. Think before you speak. Decide case by case whether the person to whom you speak is a person whom you feel you can trust. To be clear, that would be my advice to any young person learning her or his way in the world. You face your own particular challenges, but so do we all."
Suddenly she smiled, an expression that looked so surprising each time it appeared on her stern face that River blinked.
"We'll need to meet again in a week or so to discuss arrangements for the full moon and for you to begin taking Wolfsbane Potion, which our school potions master will brew for you. But until that time, I wish you well in your first days of classes and in getting acquainted with your illustrious house. I will trust in your good judgement, Miss Ash."
"Thank you, ma'am," River said. She stood, understanding that the headmistress had dismissed her. Yes, the body language was different here - the Alpha of her pack would have turned away to show their conversation was over, where Headmistress McGonagall nodded and kept looking at her - but River understood that the headmistress had said what she had to say, and now River should leave to get ready for her first Hogwarts lesson.
Strange: even though River had got angry and loud, which she shouldn't have done, the headmistress had been so gentle. River felt even more admiration for her than before.
"Thank you," she said again, almost whispering it.
Headmistress McGonagall didn't smile again, but she nodded. "Very well, Miss Ash. Good luck in class. You have double Potions first, I believe. Hurry along and collect your books and cauldron in time for breakfast."
Potions! River dashed to the door in a swirl of delight, and only remembered just in time to stop in the doorway and turn back, bowing her head to show deference to her elder before she left the room.
When she straightened, she thought she saw a trace of amusement slip across the headmistress' face, before she quickly straightened her features. Did humans not bow to their elders? River would have to ask someone. There were so many things she still had to learn!
She couldn't wait to learn all of them.
River turned from doorway and dashed two at a time down the spiral staircase that descended from the headmistress' office, ready to start her day.
~The End~
End notes:
Special bonus fact: This story is written “La Ronde” style, meaning the first chapter is a scene between Character A and Character B, then the next chapter has Character B continue on into an interaction with Character C, and so on until the final chapter brings the last character full circle back to the original Character A. Hence my initial working title, La Ronde du Petit Loup-Garou (“La Ronde” of the little werewolf). In the end I changed it, though, to match the rest of the Be the Light in My Lantern/Raise Your Lantern High series.
This is a companion piece to the Be the Light in My Lantern series, if you'd like to read the series in full.
I also have so many more Remus/Tonks stories and Andromeda stories and some Teddy stories too, for example here or here.
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(Crossposted from this post on Dreamwidth, which is now my primary journal. Comments are fine in either place.)