Raise Your Lantern High, chapter 21: Returning
RAISE YOUR LANTERN HIGH
Summary: In which Remus and Tonks fight battles, arrest criminals, befriend werewolves, overcome inner demons and, despite it all, find themselves a happy ending. A love story, and a story of the Order years. (My Remus/Tonks epic, which has been years in the making! This is the second half of the story, set in the Half-Blood Prince year.)
Note: This is the next-to-last chapter!
Chapter 21: Returning
Love, it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you
It will set you free
Be more like the man
You were meant to be
-Mumford and Sons, Sigh No More
Remus opened his eyes and it all rushed back: battle, Death Eaters, Dumbledore.
But before those memories of battle and loss returned, even before opening his eyes, Remus was aware of something else, too.
Tonks was here. He was here with Tonks.
She was sleeping still, Remus saw when he opened his eyes. The morning light was pale through the bedroom curtains, so it must be very early. Gently, so as not to wake her, Remus shifted onto his side and studied the woman beside him, her face at rest and her brown hair splayed across the pillow beneath her cheek. This was a sight he had missed with a bone-weary ache all through the last, long year.
It was strange, and yet somehow not strange at all, how suddenly everything had changed.
Just a day ago, Remus had still been fiercely denying himself this happiness, the deep, quiet joy of knowing Tonks was here beside him.
All along, all through this year and even before, there had been so many people telling him he was wrong to push Tonks away. But it had taken Tonks herself to finally shake him all the way to his core, and make him see that it was time to let go of his last hold on his own crippling fear.
This much Remus knew: Love - especially when he, Remus J. Lupin, formed one half of it - would always be a risk. And yet…it was possible to choose to take that the risk, because the risk was worth the chance at happiness.
It still terrified Remus to think of putting Tonks in danger. Even now, the terror inside him nearly equaled the joy he felt, and he doubted it would ever leave him entirely. But what Tonks had taught him at last was that this choice - to take the chance at both joy and danger - was hers to make for herself, just as his own decision was also his own. Tonks’ choice was not his to take away from her.
And, impossibly, she had chosen him.
Remus watched in deep, contented silence as one bold ray of morning sunlight slipped through the bedroom curtains to trace a slow but steady path across the pale expanse of the pillow towards Tonks’ cheek. Tonks, who was beautiful and perfect and herself, and looking at her filled Remus with such joy that it hurt, as if the feeling was so big it was trying to burst beyond the confines of his chest.
There wouldn’t be much time to bask in this new happiness, though - not today, at least, when there was so much to be done. The Order as a whole would need to meet and determine how to continue on, now that their guide and master planner was gone. And Remus himself needed to think hard about his responsibilities to the werewolf pack, and how he could remain true to his loyalties there even as all the lines of his life were redrawn.
The Order would need him, he knew that much. From the moment Ginny Weasley had brought the terrible news that Dumbledore was dead, even as Remus’ heart was pounding with shock and grief, some part of him, too, had stood to attention. The Order would need all of them now more than ever.
But for now, for this moment, Remus would savour happiness.
Beside him, Tonks shifted and mumbled in her sleep. Her face was mashed into the pillow now, a curtain of soft hair obscuring her face. The ray of sunlight from the window had almost reached her cheek.
Tonks mumbled again, blinking, and opened her eyes. The expression that lit her face when she saw Remus - only joy, no trace of regret - told him more than anything else could have done that this choice was the right one.
“Good morning,” he murmured, from where he had his head propped up on his elbow, the better to look at her. His voice came out still low and rough from sleep.
Tonks grinned up at him. “Are you really here? Not a figment of my demented imagination?”
Remus lifted his other hand from the blankets and solemnly pinched his own forearm. “Ouch. Nope, not a figment.”
Her grin turned both cheeky and shy. “A kiss to prove it?”
Remus leaned down across the pillow and kissed her. Tonks sighed against his lips, and Remus could feel her smiling. The joy coursing through him felt so bright he thought surely Tonks must be able to see it, sparking there under his skin.
“Are you -” Tonks began, when their lips had parted. “Are we… Are we trying this? Being together, I mean?”
“I think we…I think we could. That is - if you are willing -”
“I’m willing,” Tonks said firmly. “Are you?”
His hand still resting against Tonks’ arm, Remus stopped and listened inside himself. He waited for the old panic to rise, the frightened voice that told him to run, now, for everyone’s sake. But that voice stayed silent. Remus searched and searched inside himself, but he found nothing but gladness.
“Yes,” he said. “More than willing.” The words felt strange in his mouth. Strange, but very much right.
Tonks grinned at him. “That’s nice to hear.”
Remus studied her face and was amazed all over again at the happiness he saw there. It seemed incredible that she could be so glad simply at the sight of him.
“You are extraordinary,” he blurted out.
“Not particularly,” Tonks said, scrunching up her nose. “I don’t think.” She rolled suddenly closer, pulling him towards her. “Come here, though.”
And Remus followed the magnetic pull of her words, just as he had done the night before in the hospital wing, fell against her and pressed his nose into the warmth of Tonks’ throat. She giggled, Tonks giggled, a sound pure and full of delight, and Remus pressed even closer, wanting to absorb some of that unalloyed joy.
When he raised his head again to smile at her, a flash of brightness caught his eye, a glint of something golden at Tonks’ throat.
“My mother’s locket,” Remus breathed. “You still wear it?”
Tonks ducked her head, as if this steadfastness of hers were an embarrassment rather than the wonder that it was. “Yeah.”
Remus ran one wondering finger along the slender golden chain of the locket he had kept and protected for years, one of the very few possessions he had from his parents. His father’s watch, his mother’s locket, a few books and his own name - that was about all Remus had left of the two people who had spent their lives fighting for him and his right to exist in the wizarding world.
He had given the locket to Tonks on her birthday last year, even though things between them at the time had been rocky and confused, even though Tonks had seemed staggered by the enormity of a gift with such personal history. But it had seemed to Remus unquestionably right and true that Tonks should have it.
And she had continued to wear it all this year, despite everything.
Tonks, too, reached up a hesitant hand and found the lump formed by the woven-grass pouch Remus wore under his shirt. Her eyes met his in a question, and he nodded. Gently, she tugged at the cord until the pouch slipped free from the neck of his shirt.
“What is it?” she asked softly.
“Ashes from the Beltane fire. It’s meant to have protective powers. If you get close to it, you can still smell the wood fire.”
Tonks lowered her nose to the pouch and sniffed. “It does,” she said. “It smells like fire, and like the moor.” She tucked it gently back inside his shirt and met Remus’ eyes. “I hope it does have those powers,” she said solemnly. “I hope it protects you.”
Her eyes were on him now and Remus felt his breath catch -
Something chirped from the floor beside the bed.
Tonks let out a groan. “Aurorlog,” she grumbled, one arm reaching down to fumble for it on the floor. “Oh, damn -” Her hand finally emerged, clutching a burnished metal wristband. She studied it, then made a face. “I have to get to work. There’s a meeting with the other Aurors. Which is no surprise, there’s a lot we need to discuss. But oh, Remus, I wish I could stay here with you, and stay, and stay…”
Remus shook his head, although he couldn’t keep himself from smiling at her in agreement. “It’s all right. I should go as well. I need to go to the pack and explain what’s happened.”
“Will you -” Tonks broke off, uncharacteristically hesitant. “Will you…come back here? At some point after that?”
Remus caught her hand in his. “That’s what I need to tell the pack. I think - I think my place is here, now. The Order will need all of us. And I want, well…” Even now, it was so difficult to say it out loud. “I want to be here with you.”
“Oh,” Tonks said, sounding very surprised. Then she said fiercely, “Yes, be here. I want you here.” And she grabbed Remus’ face between her hands and kissed him until neither of them could breathe.
“If I come back tonight, will you promise more of that?” Remus asked, hearing how husky his voice had gone.
“Yes,” Tonks said. “Oh, Merlin, Remus, yes.” She threaded one hand through the hair at the nape of his neck, drew him towards her and kissed him a last time, very gently. “Now go already, would you, so you can be back as soon as possible?”
Remus smiled and returned her kiss. “I promise.”
He swung his feet to the floor and reached for the trousers he’d left there beside the bed; Tonks slid past him with a last affectionate peck to the edge of his ear, then began to hunt for her clothes amidst the chaos of the flat. Remus supressed a fond smile, because some things really never did change.
Remus fetched his robes and Tonks, now in a bright yellow T-shirt and a striking pair of purple jeans, narrowly avoided tripping over a pile of laundry as she dashed around the flat, pulling on her official robes over her clothing, then careening to a stop in front of the wall mirror to check that she was presentable for a day of Auror duties. The sunlight now streaming through the window caught the outline of her cheek and lit up the brown hair that swung beside her face, highlighting her profile in luminous gold.
As Remus watched, Tonks, who was usually in constant motion, went still, her eyes caught by her own reflection.
“I wonder -” she started, then broke off and frowned thoughtfully at the mirror. She screwed up her face in a very familiar way, and a moment later her hair was short and spiky and pink. “Oh!” she said, staring at herself in surprise. “I can.” She spun to grin at Remus. “Would you look at that?”
- - - - -
Serena and the Mother were the only ones in the clearing when Remus stepped through the trees. Serena’s eyes went wide when she saw him. She jumped up from her seat on a tree stump next to Anna’s hammock, and came to meet Remus at the edge of the clearing. Anna’s wise, wrinkled face, too, peered from the edge of her hammock, although she said nothing.
“We were worried,” Serena told Remus, stopping a pace short of where he stood. “We didn’t expect you would be away all night.”
“I’m so sorry,” Remus said. “I didn’t mean to worry anyone. It was only meant to be routine guard duty, but there was a battle at Hogwarts, and - there’s a lot I should explain, actually. And I suppose I ought to tell it to Alpha first.” He turned towards Anna’s hammock and bowed his head. “Mother,” he said. “I greet you.”
He raised his head to find Anna studying him, her cloudy eyes dancing with amusement. “Young One,” she said. “Young City Wolf. Come here.”
Aware that Serena, too, was watching him curiously, Remus crossed the clearing to Anna and dropped to his haunches beside the hammock.
“Well!” Anna declared, her all-seeing eyes raking over Remus, seeming to take in every bit of his being. She let out a laugh like a cackle. “Didn’t I say so?”
Remus could feel Serena’s eyes on him, too, scrutinising his body language, seeking out the same clues Anna saw.
“You’ve suffered a great loss,” the Mother went on. “And yet on the whole you’re happy. How very intriguing you are, Young Wolf.”
“Mother,” Remus began. “I’m not sure where to begin -”
But Anna smiled and shook her head. “You’re right, of course - it’s Alpha you’ll be wanting to speak to. He’s out hunting now, but you can help Trouble with her baskets while you wait.”
With this pronouncement and an imperious wave of her hand, Anna submerged back into the depths of her hammock.
So Remus spent the day helping Serena weave baskets to replace ones that had grown tattered after a winter’s hard use. He didn’t tell her anything more about what had happened at Hogwarts, and she didn’t ask. Such news went to the Alpha first, as the pack’s hierarchy dictated.
In the afternoon, the others began to drift back into the camp, each greeting Remus warmly, welcoming him home as they would do for any member of the pack.
How strange to think he would be leaving this camaraderie, now that he finally belonged to it at last.
But when the Alpha returned in the evening, Remus didn’t hesitate. “Alpha, may I speak?” he asked, approaching with his head lowered.
The Alpha looked Remus up and down with his shrewd gaze and said, “Returning to the city, Quiet?”
Remus had long ago given up trying to figure out how the Alpha read his mind from the lines of his face or the angle of his posture. He only nodded.
“I am needed there,” Remus said. “But I wouldn’t like to go without asking your leave.”
The Alpha nodded, looking thoughtful. “You have my leave. Although we will be sorry to lose your company.”
“And I am sorry to leave,” Remus replied. A year ago, he couldn’t have imagined saying those words, but now he meant them with all his heart. He looked around at the pack, at all their familiar faces. He had fought Greyback to protect these werewolves, and he would gladly do it again. “I hope we can remain friends,” he said. “I hope we can be allies. Albus Dumbledore -” Remus choked on the word and had to begin again. “Albus Dumbledore is dead. He was killed last night by Voldemort’s supporters.”
All around him, the others were listening intently, their bodies tense and quiet. The Alpha’s eyebrows lifted, which coming from him was quite an expression of shock.
“I hope this won’t change the friendship between us,” Remus said. “The rest of the Order are committed to being your allies, just as Dumbledore was. I need to return there - I’m needed with the Order now. But if you ever need anything from us… I hope you’ll call on me.”
The Alpha nodded gravely. “And you may do the same. You are one of this pack, Quiet.”
Remus bowed his head deeply in gratitude.
Then he turned to look at the rest of the pack: sensible Brighid, brash Jack, no-nonsense Ashmita. Serena watching him with understanding, Ronan with respect in his eyes and Eirwen with admiration. Joy gazing up at him wide-eyed, from below Serena’s hand that rested gently on the top of her head. Anna peering out, wise and all seeing, from her hammock.
Serena spoke softly, echoing the Alpha’s sentiment. “We’re your friends, Quiet, and we’re here if you need us. Call on us.”
“Yeah,” Ronan said, and even though it wasn’t quite correct for him to speak before the older adults of the pack had had their say, no one scolded him. “If you need us - we want to help.”
“Agreed,” Jack boomed.
And one by one, they all chimed in with words of friendship.
“Thank you,” Remus said, deeply moved. He bowed again, to all of them. “It’s been an honour to live with you.”
All of the pack bowed their heads in reply.
There was no more cause to linger, then. Remus had made his decision and it was time to go, as much as it wrenched his heart to leave this pack that had become like a family. But there was one more thing Remus needed to do before he left here, one more responsibility he would not feel right if he did not discharge.
He caught Serena’s hand and pressed a small scroll of parchment into it.
“It’s a letter,” he said. He’d borrowed parchment and a quill from Tonks and written this out before leaving her flat. “It’s addressed to Minerva McGonagall, who’s now the headmistress of Hogwarts, and it expresses my support for Joy - for River - to be admitted to the school, if you decide you want to send her there when she’s old enough. Accommodations could be made for her transformations, the same as was done for me. Just - just keep it in case you ever change your mind,” he said quickly, before Serena could reject the scroll he was holding out to her.
Serena looked down at the rolled parchment and shook her head minutely side to side. Over what exactly, Remus couldn’t say for certain. His audacity in giving her this? His stupidity in thinking she would want it? But that wasn’t his to know. It would be enough if she agreed to take the letter.
“All right,” Serena said at last. Remus could read nothing in her tone. But she took the letter and tucked away into an inner pocket of her hand-sewn shirt.
“Thank you,” Remus murmured.
And with a last bowing of his head to the friends who stood in a circle around him, he turned to go.
- - - - -
It was a sombre crowd that crammed into McGonagall’s office that evening for an Order meeting. Hagrid, over by the door with his head nearly touching the ceiling, was weeping into his hands. The space was cramped, with so many of the Order present, but it had been a prudent decision to meet here instead of at Headquarters. They all knew there was the danger that Snape might even now be revealing the location of the Grimmauld Place house to other Death Eaters.
Snape. It chilled Tonks to think of how he’d been here in their midst all this time, privy to their secrets, and she’d never suspected him. Of being difficult, rude and condescending, yes, but not of being a traitor. She’d never doubted his loyalty to the cause, even as he made no secret of his loathing for so many of its individual members, and that was what baffled her the most, now. Snape was a traitor and Tonks had never even guessed it. She’d thought her people instincts better than that.
Of Snape himself, of course, there had been no sign. Dumbledore’s murderer had gone utterly to ground. Tonks bit her lip hard against the anger that welled up in her at the very thought of Snape.
Remus dashed into the room just as the meeting started, squeezing through the press of people to reach Tonks where she stood wedged in beside McGonagall’s desk. He slipped in next to her and caught her hand, right there in front of everyone, and Tonks felt her whole body light up with happiness. She glanced over at Remus and saw the same amazed elation reflected in his face. Her whole day had been like this, swinging wildly between grief and joy.
“Hi,” Remus whispered, his hand holding tightly to hers.
“Wotcher,” Tonks murmured, and she thought her face might crack open from grinning so hard.
McGonagall began the meeting by summarising the previous night’s events, most of which Tonks knew, since she’d been present when they happened. But her jaw dropped open in horror at one crucial new piece of information McGonagall revealed.
“Madam Rosmerta?” Tonks gasped. “Madam Rosmerta was the outside accomplice, smuggling all those deadly things into Hogwarts?”
“Unwillingly,” McGonagall hastened to add. “She was under an Imperius Curse, and she’s horrified with guilt now that the curse is lifted and she’s aware of what she’s done.”
Tonks reeled. She’d interviewed Rosmerta. She’d talked to Rosmerta, often, during her time stationed in the village. She’d noticed and felt badly about how distressed Rosmerta seemed lately, but she’d never seriously considered the possibility of an Imperius Curse.
Stupid, stupid, Tonks berated herself. How do you hide in plain sight? By forcing the sweetest-natured person, the one no one would suspect, to do your bidding in your stead.
“You couldn’t have known,” McGonagall was saying, her voice unusually gentle. “It was an…inconsistent curse at best, with an inconsistent influence. Inexpertly cast by a frightened child…” McGonagall cleared her throat and visibly pulled herself together. “In any case, Rosmerta had nothing to do with the events that occurred last night. Albus would have -” She sniffed loudly and began again, sounding congested now. “Albus would have been killed regardless. There was no way any of us could have foreseen what happened.”
Remus squeezed Tonks’ hand in his, and she pressed closer against him, glad for the warmth of him there by her side.
By the time they stumbled out to the corridor after the longest Order meeting Tonks could remember, she’d made an unhappy peace with her failure. Rosmerta had been under an Imperius Curse all this time and Tonks hadn’t guessed. That was a fact she couldn’t undo, and she couldn’t undo the harm she’d allowed to happen because of it. But she could remember it, and be damn sure she was three times as careful next time.
As the rest of the Order dispersed around them, Remus and Tonks lingered there outside McGonagall’s office, his hand still in hers. Remus gazed at Tonks, with a fond smile crinkling up the corners of his eyes in that way that made Tonks want to kiss every bit of his face all at the same time. Though probably not here in front of everyone. Although, then again, even that she could be talked into pretty easily, with the sight of those affectionate eyes on her.
“I was hoping to visit Bill in the hospital wing,” Remus mused, his hand still warm and firm in Tonks’. “But it’s quite late now. Do you suppose he’s sleeping?”
“Can’t hurt to check. That is, if you dare to try to talk your way past Madam Pomfrey, ferocious guardian of the Hogwarts hospital wing.”
Remus smiled. “That I believe I can manage.”
So they walked to the hospital wing, hand in hand, and Remus indeed charmed his way in past Madam Pomfrey. Bill was sitting up and Fleur was perched on the edge of his bed.
“Remus! Tonks!” Fleur cried, when she looked up and saw them. “Oh, but eet eez so good to see you!”
Tonks had never experienced Fleur’s gaze directed at her with warmth instead of scorn, and it turned out to make a whole lot of difference. For the first time, Tonks thought Fleur might actually be somebody she could be interested in getting to know.
“Hullo you two!” Bill said, jovial despite the painful-looking state of his face. “I hear you put on quite the drama here last night. I can’t believe I missed the show.” He winked cheekily at them, from the side of his face that wasn’t quite as battered as the other.
Tonks slid her eyes towards Remus, wondering if he was embarrassed, if he was regretting the very public commotion that they - okay, to be fair, mostly she - had made the night before. Remus cleared his throat a little awkwardly, but he didn’t protest at Bill’s teasing, and he didn’t let go of Tonks’ hand as they sat down side by side on two chairs next to the bed.
“Er, yes,” Remus said. “I had some sense shaken into me, you might say.”
“Leeterally,” Fleur smirked, and Tonks felt herself flush. Yes, she had a very vivid memory of grabbing Remus by the front of his robes and physically shaking him. They all must’ve thought she’d gone round the twist.
But Bill was smiling at them affably, as much as he could manage around his lacerations and bruises. “I’m happy for you both,” he said, his usually light-hearted voice now quite earnest. “And seeing as it would probably be uncharitable to say ‘It’s about damn time,’ I’ll leave it at that.”
Fleur giggled and pressed her nose adoringly to Bill’s nose, clearly not minding the sight of his still livid wounds.
“Thanks for that restraint,” Remus replied wryly. “And you? How are you feeling?”
Bill shrugged. “Surprisingly okay. I’ve got this weird craving for raw steak, but otherwise I feel pretty normal. And if that’s the worst that happens to me out of all this, you won’t hear me complaining.”
They stayed and chatted a little longer, long enough to let Remus to reassure himself that Bill really did seem to be all right. Then Tonks and Remus said their goodbyes to Bill and Fleur, and made their way out of the castle. It was dark outside, and the world seemed strangely quiet as they stood on the wide front steps of the school and let the oak doors swing shut behind them.
Tonks breathed in deeply, appreciating the cool evening air.
“Come home with me?” she said. She still hardly dared to ask it.
In answer, Remus reached out and took her hand. Tonks smiled, and squeezed his fingers in hers.
“The flat in Hogsmeade isn’t going to be home for much longer, though,” Tonks said, as they started down the steps. “The word from Scrimgeour today was that searching for Snape and the Death Eaters is now top priority - we’re all being posted back to London right after the funeral. I’ll have to look for a new place there.” Walking beside her down the long castle drive, Remus nodded but didn’t say anything in response, so Tonks asked, “And you?” Remus hadn’t said yet what his plans were, exactly, only that he would be taking his leave from the werewolf pack.
“I should probably look for a place in London as well,” he murmured. “I ought to be near the Order.”
“Remus.” Tonks stopped walking, so Remus stopped too. She gave him a pointed look. “Are you maybe kind of missing an obvious solution?”
Remus stared back with eyebrows raised. Tonks stared some more, waiting for him to get it.
“Oh!” he said, faintly surprised. “You’d like to live together?”
“Only if you want to,” she mumbled, starting to walk again and picking up her pace. “We don’t have to. I know it’s taking it kind of fast -”
“I’d like that,” Remus said.
Tonks spun around to look at him, with the result that of course she tripped over her own feet. Remus’ hand at her elbow righted her. They’d reached the school gates now, so once she’d recovered her balance Tonks pulled out her wand to unlock the gates and let them through.
“I would like to live together,” Remus repeated solemnly, once they were on the other side and Tonks had refastened the gates. “I think that would be quite nice.”
Tonks laughed, giddy happiness blossoming in her chest. “Yeah, as it happens, I think it would be pretty nice, too.”
They would live together. They would find a flat in London and live there together. She wasn’t dreaming it. Remus was really here, walking next to her, showing her with his actions that he meant the words he said. Because if Remus were even the least bit uncertain about her, about them, then they definitely would not have arrived at the point of deciding to go flat-hunting together.
It was real. They were really doing this.
Tonks laughed in delight. Then she snorted. “D’you mind, though, if I don’t spend all my time kissing your nose?”
Remus chuckled in response. “And I hope you aren’t expecting me to acquire a fang earring.”
Tonks pretended to study him, in the dimness of the forest path. “Hm, I dunno. I think you could rock a fang earring, actually.”
Remus smiled in the darkness.
As they walked through the night-time quiet of the woods, Tonks felt how alert her senses were, still. A day had passed since the battle at Hogwarts, and while her mind knew that the most immediate danger was past, her body still seemed to think Death Eaters might attack out of the shadows at any moment.
Well, technically Death Eaters might attack out of the shadows at any moment, but no more so than on any other day. And as an Auror, Tonks was always prepared.
The battle of the night before felt both impossibly long ago already, and somehow also so close at hand that Tonks’ skin tingled with the need to stay alert for danger. It was so hard to believe everything that had happened. Death Eaters inside Hogwarts, and Dumbledore -
How could Dumbledore be gone?
They were nearing the sleeping village when Remus said suddenly, “I blame myself.”
The roughness in his voice was startling in the quiet. Tonks turned to look at him, barely able to make out his features in the dark.
“Snape,” Remus said, his voice pained. “I should have seen him for what he was. If anyone should have realised, it was I, when I’d known him for so long.”
“Not longer than Dumbledore knew him,” Tonks retorted, and a shudder of horror hit her agan at that thought, Dumbledore living all those years with his murderer right there at his side, and not knowing. Dumbledore had trusted Snape with such utter certainty. Why had Dumbledore been so certain he could trust Snape?
To Remus she said staunchly, “And if even Dumbledore didn’t see, how could anyone expect you to?”
“I was so determined not to judge Snape by his past that I was blinded by him,” Remus insisted, in that same pained voice. “I should have known better than to trust him.”
“No,” Tonks said. “All of us should have known better. Any of us should have paid more attention and figured it out. But we should have done it by looking at who he is now, not by judging him because of his past. Not by being prejudiced. Remus, don’t stop being that person who refuses to judge people without evidence. I adore that person.”
Remus glanced at her in surprise, in the warm spill of light as they passed under the first of the street lanterns at the edge of the village. It took him by surprise when she expressed affection for him, even after all this time.
In answer, Tonks reached out and grabbed his hand. His fingers were cool and rough in hers, but that only made her want to hang on tighter.
She said firmly, “And anyway, if we’re assigning blame now, then I blame myself for not seeing that Rosmerta was under an Imperius curse, when she was right there under my nose all year. And I’ll never forgive myself, either, for not being able to keep Sirius safe. I know you feel the same, I know you think you should have been able to save him somehow.” She turned to Remus, stopping on the cobblestones in front of the darkened shopfront of Honeydukes. “But Remus, we can spend all our time wallowing in blame for what we should have done - or we can figure out how to do it better going forward. And I want to look forward.”
McGonagall had implied, at the meeting tonight, that Dumbledore had left Harry some weighty task to carry out. But no one but Harry, it seemed, even knew what the task was.
It didn’t seem fair that once again the whole fate of the wizarding world was coming down on the shoulders of a boy not yet seventeen. Harry was equal to the challenge, of course; he’d proved it time and again. But he shouldn’t have to fight his battle alone. It was the Order’s duty to fight beside him as much as they could.
“We have to be there for Harry,” Tonks said. “That’s the most important thing, the Order and Harry, and how can we do our job if we’re lost in thinking about what should have been?”
Remus’ fingers squeezed around hers. “I’m trying,” he said hoarsely.
They arrived, then, at the door that led up to Tonks’ little flat above Twilfit and Tattings.
Tonks slid her hand from Remus’ hand up to his shoulder, feeling suddenly shy. She still couldn’t quite believe he was really here.
“So…” she said. “Want to come up and see my Chocolate Frog card collection?”
Remus blinked at her. “Your… Sorry, what did you just say?”
Laughter bubbled up, and Tonks clapped her other hand over her mouth - her laugh sounded so loud in the quiet street. “It’s a line, Remus. You know, a really transparent attempt to make it sound like I’m not asking you what I’m really asking you. ‘Want to come upstairs for a butterbeer?’ ‘Want to see this cool spell I invented?’ ‘Want to listen to that new programme on the WWN?’”
Now Remus snorted. “If that sort of thing is what’s involved in dating, then you’re making me glad I’ve always been quite terrible at it.”
Tonks grinned. Then, just as fast, she felt her mood swinging back towards grief. She’d been feeling so many feelings at once, this past day, that her heart didn’t know where it was from one moment to the next. Ever since Remus had met her eyes in the hospital wing. Ever since Ginny Weasley had brought the news that Dumbledore was dead, and the world had shifted under everyone’s feet.
“There’s so much that’s terrible right now,” Tonks said softly. “Sometimes it’s all I can think about, how hopeless this war feels. How little there is that I can do, and whether there’s even any point in trying. But I have to believe we can make a difference. I have to try. And if the only thing we can do is be there for Harry until it’s time for him to do whatever it is that he’s got to do - well, then I want to do that.”
Remus’ hand came up and found hers where it rested against his shoulder; he covered her hand with his own. “And I’ll be there with you,” he said in a low voice.
Tonks smiled, a wobbly sort of smile that didn’t quite know whether it wanted to laugh or cry.
“That’s the best thing I’ve heard all year,” she said, and her voice came out wobbly, too.
“Dora,” Remus said softly, and now Tonks smiled for real, because she would never, never get tired of the way Remus said her name.
“Come here,” Tonks whispered, and she cupped one hand against Remus’ cheek and drew him towards her, until she could feel his breath warm against her cheek. She felt desire unfurling in her, as if it were a living thing that grew up out of the ground, swelling upwards through the soles of her feet until it filled every part of her with warmth and want.
She pulled Remus close to her, and he came willingly, eagerly, until they were pressed against each other chest to chest, sharing warmth in the cool spring night.
Then Remus bent his head down and pressed his lips to hers, and that unfurling warmth exploded into a lightning-bolt shock of desire. Tonks gasped and kissed him back as hard as she could.
“Upstairs,” she said urgently against his cheek. “Yes?”
“Yes,” Remus said, and Tonks could feel him smiling, a whisper of movement as his lips curved up against the corner of her mouth.
Tonks had never run up the stairs and unlocked the door to her flat so fast. The place was a chaos of untidy clothing and scattered belongings, like always, and it had never mattered less. Tonks pulled Remus into the flat with her and secured the door behind them. Then she stopped and looked at Remus in the soft lamplight and he was smiling so hard, like his face had forgotten how to be any other way.
Tonks grinned back at him, so happy it hurt her chest to try to contain it all. She pulled Remus close and smiled up into his dear, beloved face. “Will you come to bed?” she asked.
And Remus said, “Yes.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Chapter end notes:
Here again for reference, the members of the werewolf pack:
the Alpha, a male in his 40s, the pack’s leader
Anna, or the Mother, the oldest pack member, symbolic mother of all
Brighid, or Fire, the Alpha’s mate, roughly his age
Serena, or Trouble, roughly Remus’ age
Jack, or Thunderstorm, a little younger than the Alpha, Ashmita’s mate
Ashmita, or Rock Crag, Jack’s mate
Ronan, or Hardwood, young adult member of the pack, perhaps 20
Narun, or Rapids, roughly the same age
Adair, or Jump, roughly the same age
Tamara, or Blackthorn, roughly the same age
Eirwen, or Slither, a young teenager, 13 or 14
Joy, or River Run, the pack’s youngest member, 6 or 7
I'm again going to give myself two weeks to get the final chapter up, because I know there are still some things I want to add to it, but I haven't had a chance to look at that chapter in quite a while. I'll post sooner if I can, though...so, sometime within the next two weeks!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
(continue to CHAPTER 22: Raise Your Lantern High)
Summary: In which Remus and Tonks fight battles, arrest criminals, befriend werewolves, overcome inner demons and, despite it all, find themselves a happy ending. A love story, and a story of the Order years. (My Remus/Tonks epic, which has been years in the making! This is the second half of the story, set in the Half-Blood Prince year.)
Note: This is the next-to-last chapter!
Chapter 21: Returning
Love, it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you
It will set you free
Be more like the man
You were meant to be
-Mumford and Sons, Sigh No More
Remus opened his eyes and it all rushed back: battle, Death Eaters, Dumbledore.
But before those memories of battle and loss returned, even before opening his eyes, Remus was aware of something else, too.
Tonks was here. He was here with Tonks.
She was sleeping still, Remus saw when he opened his eyes. The morning light was pale through the bedroom curtains, so it must be very early. Gently, so as not to wake her, Remus shifted onto his side and studied the woman beside him, her face at rest and her brown hair splayed across the pillow beneath her cheek. This was a sight he had missed with a bone-weary ache all through the last, long year.
It was strange, and yet somehow not strange at all, how suddenly everything had changed.
Just a day ago, Remus had still been fiercely denying himself this happiness, the deep, quiet joy of knowing Tonks was here beside him.
All along, all through this year and even before, there had been so many people telling him he was wrong to push Tonks away. But it had taken Tonks herself to finally shake him all the way to his core, and make him see that it was time to let go of his last hold on his own crippling fear.
This much Remus knew: Love - especially when he, Remus J. Lupin, formed one half of it - would always be a risk. And yet…it was possible to choose to take that the risk, because the risk was worth the chance at happiness.
It still terrified Remus to think of putting Tonks in danger. Even now, the terror inside him nearly equaled the joy he felt, and he doubted it would ever leave him entirely. But what Tonks had taught him at last was that this choice - to take the chance at both joy and danger - was hers to make for herself, just as his own decision was also his own. Tonks’ choice was not his to take away from her.
And, impossibly, she had chosen him.
Remus watched in deep, contented silence as one bold ray of morning sunlight slipped through the bedroom curtains to trace a slow but steady path across the pale expanse of the pillow towards Tonks’ cheek. Tonks, who was beautiful and perfect and herself, and looking at her filled Remus with such joy that it hurt, as if the feeling was so big it was trying to burst beyond the confines of his chest.
There wouldn’t be much time to bask in this new happiness, though - not today, at least, when there was so much to be done. The Order as a whole would need to meet and determine how to continue on, now that their guide and master planner was gone. And Remus himself needed to think hard about his responsibilities to the werewolf pack, and how he could remain true to his loyalties there even as all the lines of his life were redrawn.
The Order would need him, he knew that much. From the moment Ginny Weasley had brought the terrible news that Dumbledore was dead, even as Remus’ heart was pounding with shock and grief, some part of him, too, had stood to attention. The Order would need all of them now more than ever.
But for now, for this moment, Remus would savour happiness.
Beside him, Tonks shifted and mumbled in her sleep. Her face was mashed into the pillow now, a curtain of soft hair obscuring her face. The ray of sunlight from the window had almost reached her cheek.
Tonks mumbled again, blinking, and opened her eyes. The expression that lit her face when she saw Remus - only joy, no trace of regret - told him more than anything else could have done that this choice was the right one.
“Good morning,” he murmured, from where he had his head propped up on his elbow, the better to look at her. His voice came out still low and rough from sleep.
Tonks grinned up at him. “Are you really here? Not a figment of my demented imagination?”
Remus lifted his other hand from the blankets and solemnly pinched his own forearm. “Ouch. Nope, not a figment.”
Her grin turned both cheeky and shy. “A kiss to prove it?”
Remus leaned down across the pillow and kissed her. Tonks sighed against his lips, and Remus could feel her smiling. The joy coursing through him felt so bright he thought surely Tonks must be able to see it, sparking there under his skin.
“Are you -” Tonks began, when their lips had parted. “Are we… Are we trying this? Being together, I mean?”
“I think we…I think we could. That is - if you are willing -”
“I’m willing,” Tonks said firmly. “Are you?”
His hand still resting against Tonks’ arm, Remus stopped and listened inside himself. He waited for the old panic to rise, the frightened voice that told him to run, now, for everyone’s sake. But that voice stayed silent. Remus searched and searched inside himself, but he found nothing but gladness.
“Yes,” he said. “More than willing.” The words felt strange in his mouth. Strange, but very much right.
Tonks grinned at him. “That’s nice to hear.”
Remus studied her face and was amazed all over again at the happiness he saw there. It seemed incredible that she could be so glad simply at the sight of him.
“You are extraordinary,” he blurted out.
“Not particularly,” Tonks said, scrunching up her nose. “I don’t think.” She rolled suddenly closer, pulling him towards her. “Come here, though.”
And Remus followed the magnetic pull of her words, just as he had done the night before in the hospital wing, fell against her and pressed his nose into the warmth of Tonks’ throat. She giggled, Tonks giggled, a sound pure and full of delight, and Remus pressed even closer, wanting to absorb some of that unalloyed joy.
When he raised his head again to smile at her, a flash of brightness caught his eye, a glint of something golden at Tonks’ throat.
“My mother’s locket,” Remus breathed. “You still wear it?”
Tonks ducked her head, as if this steadfastness of hers were an embarrassment rather than the wonder that it was. “Yeah.”
Remus ran one wondering finger along the slender golden chain of the locket he had kept and protected for years, one of the very few possessions he had from his parents. His father’s watch, his mother’s locket, a few books and his own name - that was about all Remus had left of the two people who had spent their lives fighting for him and his right to exist in the wizarding world.
He had given the locket to Tonks on her birthday last year, even though things between them at the time had been rocky and confused, even though Tonks had seemed staggered by the enormity of a gift with such personal history. But it had seemed to Remus unquestionably right and true that Tonks should have it.
And she had continued to wear it all this year, despite everything.
Tonks, too, reached up a hesitant hand and found the lump formed by the woven-grass pouch Remus wore under his shirt. Her eyes met his in a question, and he nodded. Gently, she tugged at the cord until the pouch slipped free from the neck of his shirt.
“What is it?” she asked softly.
“Ashes from the Beltane fire. It’s meant to have protective powers. If you get close to it, you can still smell the wood fire.”
Tonks lowered her nose to the pouch and sniffed. “It does,” she said. “It smells like fire, and like the moor.” She tucked it gently back inside his shirt and met Remus’ eyes. “I hope it does have those powers,” she said solemnly. “I hope it protects you.”
Her eyes were on him now and Remus felt his breath catch -
Something chirped from the floor beside the bed.
Tonks let out a groan. “Aurorlog,” she grumbled, one arm reaching down to fumble for it on the floor. “Oh, damn -” Her hand finally emerged, clutching a burnished metal wristband. She studied it, then made a face. “I have to get to work. There’s a meeting with the other Aurors. Which is no surprise, there’s a lot we need to discuss. But oh, Remus, I wish I could stay here with you, and stay, and stay…”
Remus shook his head, although he couldn’t keep himself from smiling at her in agreement. “It’s all right. I should go as well. I need to go to the pack and explain what’s happened.”
“Will you -” Tonks broke off, uncharacteristically hesitant. “Will you…come back here? At some point after that?”
Remus caught her hand in his. “That’s what I need to tell the pack. I think - I think my place is here, now. The Order will need all of us. And I want, well…” Even now, it was so difficult to say it out loud. “I want to be here with you.”
“Oh,” Tonks said, sounding very surprised. Then she said fiercely, “Yes, be here. I want you here.” And she grabbed Remus’ face between her hands and kissed him until neither of them could breathe.
“If I come back tonight, will you promise more of that?” Remus asked, hearing how husky his voice had gone.
“Yes,” Tonks said. “Oh, Merlin, Remus, yes.” She threaded one hand through the hair at the nape of his neck, drew him towards her and kissed him a last time, very gently. “Now go already, would you, so you can be back as soon as possible?”
Remus smiled and returned her kiss. “I promise.”
He swung his feet to the floor and reached for the trousers he’d left there beside the bed; Tonks slid past him with a last affectionate peck to the edge of his ear, then began to hunt for her clothes amidst the chaos of the flat. Remus supressed a fond smile, because some things really never did change.
Remus fetched his robes and Tonks, now in a bright yellow T-shirt and a striking pair of purple jeans, narrowly avoided tripping over a pile of laundry as she dashed around the flat, pulling on her official robes over her clothing, then careening to a stop in front of the wall mirror to check that she was presentable for a day of Auror duties. The sunlight now streaming through the window caught the outline of her cheek and lit up the brown hair that swung beside her face, highlighting her profile in luminous gold.
As Remus watched, Tonks, who was usually in constant motion, went still, her eyes caught by her own reflection.
“I wonder -” she started, then broke off and frowned thoughtfully at the mirror. She screwed up her face in a very familiar way, and a moment later her hair was short and spiky and pink. “Oh!” she said, staring at herself in surprise. “I can.” She spun to grin at Remus. “Would you look at that?”
- - - - -
Serena and the Mother were the only ones in the clearing when Remus stepped through the trees. Serena’s eyes went wide when she saw him. She jumped up from her seat on a tree stump next to Anna’s hammock, and came to meet Remus at the edge of the clearing. Anna’s wise, wrinkled face, too, peered from the edge of her hammock, although she said nothing.
“We were worried,” Serena told Remus, stopping a pace short of where he stood. “We didn’t expect you would be away all night.”
“I’m so sorry,” Remus said. “I didn’t mean to worry anyone. It was only meant to be routine guard duty, but there was a battle at Hogwarts, and - there’s a lot I should explain, actually. And I suppose I ought to tell it to Alpha first.” He turned towards Anna’s hammock and bowed his head. “Mother,” he said. “I greet you.”
He raised his head to find Anna studying him, her cloudy eyes dancing with amusement. “Young One,” she said. “Young City Wolf. Come here.”
Aware that Serena, too, was watching him curiously, Remus crossed the clearing to Anna and dropped to his haunches beside the hammock.
“Well!” Anna declared, her all-seeing eyes raking over Remus, seeming to take in every bit of his being. She let out a laugh like a cackle. “Didn’t I say so?”
Remus could feel Serena’s eyes on him, too, scrutinising his body language, seeking out the same clues Anna saw.
“You’ve suffered a great loss,” the Mother went on. “And yet on the whole you’re happy. How very intriguing you are, Young Wolf.”
“Mother,” Remus began. “I’m not sure where to begin -”
But Anna smiled and shook her head. “You’re right, of course - it’s Alpha you’ll be wanting to speak to. He’s out hunting now, but you can help Trouble with her baskets while you wait.”
With this pronouncement and an imperious wave of her hand, Anna submerged back into the depths of her hammock.
So Remus spent the day helping Serena weave baskets to replace ones that had grown tattered after a winter’s hard use. He didn’t tell her anything more about what had happened at Hogwarts, and she didn’t ask. Such news went to the Alpha first, as the pack’s hierarchy dictated.
In the afternoon, the others began to drift back into the camp, each greeting Remus warmly, welcoming him home as they would do for any member of the pack.
How strange to think he would be leaving this camaraderie, now that he finally belonged to it at last.
But when the Alpha returned in the evening, Remus didn’t hesitate. “Alpha, may I speak?” he asked, approaching with his head lowered.
The Alpha looked Remus up and down with his shrewd gaze and said, “Returning to the city, Quiet?”
Remus had long ago given up trying to figure out how the Alpha read his mind from the lines of his face or the angle of his posture. He only nodded.
“I am needed there,” Remus said. “But I wouldn’t like to go without asking your leave.”
The Alpha nodded, looking thoughtful. “You have my leave. Although we will be sorry to lose your company.”
“And I am sorry to leave,” Remus replied. A year ago, he couldn’t have imagined saying those words, but now he meant them with all his heart. He looked around at the pack, at all their familiar faces. He had fought Greyback to protect these werewolves, and he would gladly do it again. “I hope we can remain friends,” he said. “I hope we can be allies. Albus Dumbledore -” Remus choked on the word and had to begin again. “Albus Dumbledore is dead. He was killed last night by Voldemort’s supporters.”
All around him, the others were listening intently, their bodies tense and quiet. The Alpha’s eyebrows lifted, which coming from him was quite an expression of shock.
“I hope this won’t change the friendship between us,” Remus said. “The rest of the Order are committed to being your allies, just as Dumbledore was. I need to return there - I’m needed with the Order now. But if you ever need anything from us… I hope you’ll call on me.”
The Alpha nodded gravely. “And you may do the same. You are one of this pack, Quiet.”
Remus bowed his head deeply in gratitude.
Then he turned to look at the rest of the pack: sensible Brighid, brash Jack, no-nonsense Ashmita. Serena watching him with understanding, Ronan with respect in his eyes and Eirwen with admiration. Joy gazing up at him wide-eyed, from below Serena’s hand that rested gently on the top of her head. Anna peering out, wise and all seeing, from her hammock.
Serena spoke softly, echoing the Alpha’s sentiment. “We’re your friends, Quiet, and we’re here if you need us. Call on us.”
“Yeah,” Ronan said, and even though it wasn’t quite correct for him to speak before the older adults of the pack had had their say, no one scolded him. “If you need us - we want to help.”
“Agreed,” Jack boomed.
And one by one, they all chimed in with words of friendship.
“Thank you,” Remus said, deeply moved. He bowed again, to all of them. “It’s been an honour to live with you.”
All of the pack bowed their heads in reply.
There was no more cause to linger, then. Remus had made his decision and it was time to go, as much as it wrenched his heart to leave this pack that had become like a family. But there was one more thing Remus needed to do before he left here, one more responsibility he would not feel right if he did not discharge.
He caught Serena’s hand and pressed a small scroll of parchment into it.
“It’s a letter,” he said. He’d borrowed parchment and a quill from Tonks and written this out before leaving her flat. “It’s addressed to Minerva McGonagall, who’s now the headmistress of Hogwarts, and it expresses my support for Joy - for River - to be admitted to the school, if you decide you want to send her there when she’s old enough. Accommodations could be made for her transformations, the same as was done for me. Just - just keep it in case you ever change your mind,” he said quickly, before Serena could reject the scroll he was holding out to her.
Serena looked down at the rolled parchment and shook her head minutely side to side. Over what exactly, Remus couldn’t say for certain. His audacity in giving her this? His stupidity in thinking she would want it? But that wasn’t his to know. It would be enough if she agreed to take the letter.
“All right,” Serena said at last. Remus could read nothing in her tone. But she took the letter and tucked away into an inner pocket of her hand-sewn shirt.
“Thank you,” Remus murmured.
And with a last bowing of his head to the friends who stood in a circle around him, he turned to go.
- - - - -
It was a sombre crowd that crammed into McGonagall’s office that evening for an Order meeting. Hagrid, over by the door with his head nearly touching the ceiling, was weeping into his hands. The space was cramped, with so many of the Order present, but it had been a prudent decision to meet here instead of at Headquarters. They all knew there was the danger that Snape might even now be revealing the location of the Grimmauld Place house to other Death Eaters.
Snape. It chilled Tonks to think of how he’d been here in their midst all this time, privy to their secrets, and she’d never suspected him. Of being difficult, rude and condescending, yes, but not of being a traitor. She’d never doubted his loyalty to the cause, even as he made no secret of his loathing for so many of its individual members, and that was what baffled her the most, now. Snape was a traitor and Tonks had never even guessed it. She’d thought her people instincts better than that.
Of Snape himself, of course, there had been no sign. Dumbledore’s murderer had gone utterly to ground. Tonks bit her lip hard against the anger that welled up in her at the very thought of Snape.
Remus dashed into the room just as the meeting started, squeezing through the press of people to reach Tonks where she stood wedged in beside McGonagall’s desk. He slipped in next to her and caught her hand, right there in front of everyone, and Tonks felt her whole body light up with happiness. She glanced over at Remus and saw the same amazed elation reflected in his face. Her whole day had been like this, swinging wildly between grief and joy.
“Hi,” Remus whispered, his hand holding tightly to hers.
“Wotcher,” Tonks murmured, and she thought her face might crack open from grinning so hard.
McGonagall began the meeting by summarising the previous night’s events, most of which Tonks knew, since she’d been present when they happened. But her jaw dropped open in horror at one crucial new piece of information McGonagall revealed.
“Madam Rosmerta?” Tonks gasped. “Madam Rosmerta was the outside accomplice, smuggling all those deadly things into Hogwarts?”
“Unwillingly,” McGonagall hastened to add. “She was under an Imperius Curse, and she’s horrified with guilt now that the curse is lifted and she’s aware of what she’s done.”
Tonks reeled. She’d interviewed Rosmerta. She’d talked to Rosmerta, often, during her time stationed in the village. She’d noticed and felt badly about how distressed Rosmerta seemed lately, but she’d never seriously considered the possibility of an Imperius Curse.
Stupid, stupid, Tonks berated herself. How do you hide in plain sight? By forcing the sweetest-natured person, the one no one would suspect, to do your bidding in your stead.
“You couldn’t have known,” McGonagall was saying, her voice unusually gentle. “It was an…inconsistent curse at best, with an inconsistent influence. Inexpertly cast by a frightened child…” McGonagall cleared her throat and visibly pulled herself together. “In any case, Rosmerta had nothing to do with the events that occurred last night. Albus would have -” She sniffed loudly and began again, sounding congested now. “Albus would have been killed regardless. There was no way any of us could have foreseen what happened.”
Remus squeezed Tonks’ hand in his, and she pressed closer against him, glad for the warmth of him there by her side.
By the time they stumbled out to the corridor after the longest Order meeting Tonks could remember, she’d made an unhappy peace with her failure. Rosmerta had been under an Imperius Curse all this time and Tonks hadn’t guessed. That was a fact she couldn’t undo, and she couldn’t undo the harm she’d allowed to happen because of it. But she could remember it, and be damn sure she was three times as careful next time.
As the rest of the Order dispersed around them, Remus and Tonks lingered there outside McGonagall’s office, his hand still in hers. Remus gazed at Tonks, with a fond smile crinkling up the corners of his eyes in that way that made Tonks want to kiss every bit of his face all at the same time. Though probably not here in front of everyone. Although, then again, even that she could be talked into pretty easily, with the sight of those affectionate eyes on her.
“I was hoping to visit Bill in the hospital wing,” Remus mused, his hand still warm and firm in Tonks’. “But it’s quite late now. Do you suppose he’s sleeping?”
“Can’t hurt to check. That is, if you dare to try to talk your way past Madam Pomfrey, ferocious guardian of the Hogwarts hospital wing.”
Remus smiled. “That I believe I can manage.”
So they walked to the hospital wing, hand in hand, and Remus indeed charmed his way in past Madam Pomfrey. Bill was sitting up and Fleur was perched on the edge of his bed.
“Remus! Tonks!” Fleur cried, when she looked up and saw them. “Oh, but eet eez so good to see you!”
Tonks had never experienced Fleur’s gaze directed at her with warmth instead of scorn, and it turned out to make a whole lot of difference. For the first time, Tonks thought Fleur might actually be somebody she could be interested in getting to know.
“Hullo you two!” Bill said, jovial despite the painful-looking state of his face. “I hear you put on quite the drama here last night. I can’t believe I missed the show.” He winked cheekily at them, from the side of his face that wasn’t quite as battered as the other.
Tonks slid her eyes towards Remus, wondering if he was embarrassed, if he was regretting the very public commotion that they - okay, to be fair, mostly she - had made the night before. Remus cleared his throat a little awkwardly, but he didn’t protest at Bill’s teasing, and he didn’t let go of Tonks’ hand as they sat down side by side on two chairs next to the bed.
“Er, yes,” Remus said. “I had some sense shaken into me, you might say.”
“Leeterally,” Fleur smirked, and Tonks felt herself flush. Yes, she had a very vivid memory of grabbing Remus by the front of his robes and physically shaking him. They all must’ve thought she’d gone round the twist.
But Bill was smiling at them affably, as much as he could manage around his lacerations and bruises. “I’m happy for you both,” he said, his usually light-hearted voice now quite earnest. “And seeing as it would probably be uncharitable to say ‘It’s about damn time,’ I’ll leave it at that.”
Fleur giggled and pressed her nose adoringly to Bill’s nose, clearly not minding the sight of his still livid wounds.
“Thanks for that restraint,” Remus replied wryly. “And you? How are you feeling?”
Bill shrugged. “Surprisingly okay. I’ve got this weird craving for raw steak, but otherwise I feel pretty normal. And if that’s the worst that happens to me out of all this, you won’t hear me complaining.”
They stayed and chatted a little longer, long enough to let Remus to reassure himself that Bill really did seem to be all right. Then Tonks and Remus said their goodbyes to Bill and Fleur, and made their way out of the castle. It was dark outside, and the world seemed strangely quiet as they stood on the wide front steps of the school and let the oak doors swing shut behind them.
Tonks breathed in deeply, appreciating the cool evening air.
“Come home with me?” she said. She still hardly dared to ask it.
In answer, Remus reached out and took her hand. Tonks smiled, and squeezed his fingers in hers.
“The flat in Hogsmeade isn’t going to be home for much longer, though,” Tonks said, as they started down the steps. “The word from Scrimgeour today was that searching for Snape and the Death Eaters is now top priority - we’re all being posted back to London right after the funeral. I’ll have to look for a new place there.” Walking beside her down the long castle drive, Remus nodded but didn’t say anything in response, so Tonks asked, “And you?” Remus hadn’t said yet what his plans were, exactly, only that he would be taking his leave from the werewolf pack.
“I should probably look for a place in London as well,” he murmured. “I ought to be near the Order.”
“Remus.” Tonks stopped walking, so Remus stopped too. She gave him a pointed look. “Are you maybe kind of missing an obvious solution?”
Remus stared back with eyebrows raised. Tonks stared some more, waiting for him to get it.
“Oh!” he said, faintly surprised. “You’d like to live together?”
“Only if you want to,” she mumbled, starting to walk again and picking up her pace. “We don’t have to. I know it’s taking it kind of fast -”
“I’d like that,” Remus said.
Tonks spun around to look at him, with the result that of course she tripped over her own feet. Remus’ hand at her elbow righted her. They’d reached the school gates now, so once she’d recovered her balance Tonks pulled out her wand to unlock the gates and let them through.
“I would like to live together,” Remus repeated solemnly, once they were on the other side and Tonks had refastened the gates. “I think that would be quite nice.”
Tonks laughed, giddy happiness blossoming in her chest. “Yeah, as it happens, I think it would be pretty nice, too.”
They would live together. They would find a flat in London and live there together. She wasn’t dreaming it. Remus was really here, walking next to her, showing her with his actions that he meant the words he said. Because if Remus were even the least bit uncertain about her, about them, then they definitely would not have arrived at the point of deciding to go flat-hunting together.
It was real. They were really doing this.
Tonks laughed in delight. Then she snorted. “D’you mind, though, if I don’t spend all my time kissing your nose?”
Remus chuckled in response. “And I hope you aren’t expecting me to acquire a fang earring.”
Tonks pretended to study him, in the dimness of the forest path. “Hm, I dunno. I think you could rock a fang earring, actually.”
Remus smiled in the darkness.
As they walked through the night-time quiet of the woods, Tonks felt how alert her senses were, still. A day had passed since the battle at Hogwarts, and while her mind knew that the most immediate danger was past, her body still seemed to think Death Eaters might attack out of the shadows at any moment.
Well, technically Death Eaters might attack out of the shadows at any moment, but no more so than on any other day. And as an Auror, Tonks was always prepared.
The battle of the night before felt both impossibly long ago already, and somehow also so close at hand that Tonks’ skin tingled with the need to stay alert for danger. It was so hard to believe everything that had happened. Death Eaters inside Hogwarts, and Dumbledore -
How could Dumbledore be gone?
They were nearing the sleeping village when Remus said suddenly, “I blame myself.”
The roughness in his voice was startling in the quiet. Tonks turned to look at him, barely able to make out his features in the dark.
“Snape,” Remus said, his voice pained. “I should have seen him for what he was. If anyone should have realised, it was I, when I’d known him for so long.”
“Not longer than Dumbledore knew him,” Tonks retorted, and a shudder of horror hit her agan at that thought, Dumbledore living all those years with his murderer right there at his side, and not knowing. Dumbledore had trusted Snape with such utter certainty. Why had Dumbledore been so certain he could trust Snape?
To Remus she said staunchly, “And if even Dumbledore didn’t see, how could anyone expect you to?”
“I was so determined not to judge Snape by his past that I was blinded by him,” Remus insisted, in that same pained voice. “I should have known better than to trust him.”
“No,” Tonks said. “All of us should have known better. Any of us should have paid more attention and figured it out. But we should have done it by looking at who he is now, not by judging him because of his past. Not by being prejudiced. Remus, don’t stop being that person who refuses to judge people without evidence. I adore that person.”
Remus glanced at her in surprise, in the warm spill of light as they passed under the first of the street lanterns at the edge of the village. It took him by surprise when she expressed affection for him, even after all this time.
In answer, Tonks reached out and grabbed his hand. His fingers were cool and rough in hers, but that only made her want to hang on tighter.
She said firmly, “And anyway, if we’re assigning blame now, then I blame myself for not seeing that Rosmerta was under an Imperius curse, when she was right there under my nose all year. And I’ll never forgive myself, either, for not being able to keep Sirius safe. I know you feel the same, I know you think you should have been able to save him somehow.” She turned to Remus, stopping on the cobblestones in front of the darkened shopfront of Honeydukes. “But Remus, we can spend all our time wallowing in blame for what we should have done - or we can figure out how to do it better going forward. And I want to look forward.”
McGonagall had implied, at the meeting tonight, that Dumbledore had left Harry some weighty task to carry out. But no one but Harry, it seemed, even knew what the task was.
It didn’t seem fair that once again the whole fate of the wizarding world was coming down on the shoulders of a boy not yet seventeen. Harry was equal to the challenge, of course; he’d proved it time and again. But he shouldn’t have to fight his battle alone. It was the Order’s duty to fight beside him as much as they could.
“We have to be there for Harry,” Tonks said. “That’s the most important thing, the Order and Harry, and how can we do our job if we’re lost in thinking about what should have been?”
Remus’ fingers squeezed around hers. “I’m trying,” he said hoarsely.
They arrived, then, at the door that led up to Tonks’ little flat above Twilfit and Tattings.
Tonks slid her hand from Remus’ hand up to his shoulder, feeling suddenly shy. She still couldn’t quite believe he was really here.
“So…” she said. “Want to come up and see my Chocolate Frog card collection?”
Remus blinked at her. “Your… Sorry, what did you just say?”
Laughter bubbled up, and Tonks clapped her other hand over her mouth - her laugh sounded so loud in the quiet street. “It’s a line, Remus. You know, a really transparent attempt to make it sound like I’m not asking you what I’m really asking you. ‘Want to come upstairs for a butterbeer?’ ‘Want to see this cool spell I invented?’ ‘Want to listen to that new programme on the WWN?’”
Now Remus snorted. “If that sort of thing is what’s involved in dating, then you’re making me glad I’ve always been quite terrible at it.”
Tonks grinned. Then, just as fast, she felt her mood swinging back towards grief. She’d been feeling so many feelings at once, this past day, that her heart didn’t know where it was from one moment to the next. Ever since Remus had met her eyes in the hospital wing. Ever since Ginny Weasley had brought the news that Dumbledore was dead, and the world had shifted under everyone’s feet.
“There’s so much that’s terrible right now,” Tonks said softly. “Sometimes it’s all I can think about, how hopeless this war feels. How little there is that I can do, and whether there’s even any point in trying. But I have to believe we can make a difference. I have to try. And if the only thing we can do is be there for Harry until it’s time for him to do whatever it is that he’s got to do - well, then I want to do that.”
Remus’ hand came up and found hers where it rested against his shoulder; he covered her hand with his own. “And I’ll be there with you,” he said in a low voice.
Tonks smiled, a wobbly sort of smile that didn’t quite know whether it wanted to laugh or cry.
“That’s the best thing I’ve heard all year,” she said, and her voice came out wobbly, too.
“Dora,” Remus said softly, and now Tonks smiled for real, because she would never, never get tired of the way Remus said her name.
“Come here,” Tonks whispered, and she cupped one hand against Remus’ cheek and drew him towards her, until she could feel his breath warm against her cheek. She felt desire unfurling in her, as if it were a living thing that grew up out of the ground, swelling upwards through the soles of her feet until it filled every part of her with warmth and want.
She pulled Remus close to her, and he came willingly, eagerly, until they were pressed against each other chest to chest, sharing warmth in the cool spring night.
Then Remus bent his head down and pressed his lips to hers, and that unfurling warmth exploded into a lightning-bolt shock of desire. Tonks gasped and kissed him back as hard as she could.
“Upstairs,” she said urgently against his cheek. “Yes?”
“Yes,” Remus said, and Tonks could feel him smiling, a whisper of movement as his lips curved up against the corner of her mouth.
Tonks had never run up the stairs and unlocked the door to her flat so fast. The place was a chaos of untidy clothing and scattered belongings, like always, and it had never mattered less. Tonks pulled Remus into the flat with her and secured the door behind them. Then she stopped and looked at Remus in the soft lamplight and he was smiling so hard, like his face had forgotten how to be any other way.
Tonks grinned back at him, so happy it hurt her chest to try to contain it all. She pulled Remus close and smiled up into his dear, beloved face. “Will you come to bed?” she asked.
And Remus said, “Yes.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Chapter end notes:
Here again for reference, the members of the werewolf pack:
the Alpha, a male in his 40s, the pack’s leader
Anna, or the Mother, the oldest pack member, symbolic mother of all
Brighid, or Fire, the Alpha’s mate, roughly his age
Serena, or Trouble, roughly Remus’ age
Jack, or Thunderstorm, a little younger than the Alpha, Ashmita’s mate
Ashmita, or Rock Crag, Jack’s mate
Ronan, or Hardwood, young adult member of the pack, perhaps 20
Narun, or Rapids, roughly the same age
Adair, or Jump, roughly the same age
Tamara, or Blackthorn, roughly the same age
Eirwen, or Slither, a young teenager, 13 or 14
Joy, or River Run, the pack’s youngest member, 6 or 7
I'm again going to give myself two weeks to get the final chapter up, because I know there are still some things I want to add to it, but I haven't had a chance to look at that chapter in quite a while. I'll post sooner if I can, though...so, sometime within the next two weeks!
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(continue to CHAPTER 22: Raise Your Lantern High)