Be the Light in My Lantern, chapter 13
BE THE LIGHT IN MY LANTERN
Summary: In which Remus and Tonks fight battles, arrest criminals, befriend werewolves, overcome inner demons and, despite it all, find themselves a happy ending. A love story, and a story of the Order years. (At long last, my Remus/Tonks epic, which has been years in the making!)
Chapter 13: Breakout
Yes, I was young, as young as you are now
And I never learned to ask how
Old do you have to be?
Old do you have to be?
-Ginger Redcliff, How Old
Tonks and Remus were woken the next morning by the arrival of Dumbledore's silver phoenix Patronus in the bedroom. Just one Patronus to reach the two of them, which raised some interesting questions about exactly how much Dumbledore knew…or perhaps Patronuses were simply cleverer than anyone realised.
"Urgent gathering at Headquarters. As soon as you can get there," was all the Patronus said before it was gone again.
Tonks groaned and cracked an eye open in the direction of the window. It was still pitch black outside. She turned to look at Remus beside her - because yes, Remus Lupin was in her bed. That had happened. How in the name of all that was good, magical and completely amazing had that happened?
Remus, it turned out, was awake and gazing at her with a grin on his face.
"Good morning," he said, voice still husky and not fully woken. "You're so beautiful."
Tonks ducked her head. "You're clearly addled from too little sleep."
"Also true," Remus agreed gravely. "And yet my point is valid as well."
They looked at each other, and Tonks felt an undignified giggle bubbling up. Remus chuckled too, and then they were both laughing.
"This is the morning after in the Order of the Phoenix, I guess," Tonks said. "Find your trousers and go fight crime."
"Only too gladly, if it's with you," Remus answered.
"Oh, stop it." Tonks tried to hide her giddy smile and gave him a gentle shove. "Go on, get dressed. You heard Dumbledore. He clearly wants this meeting to happen before everyone has to get to work."
Remus - the same Remus who once not so long ago hadn't dared even to set foot inside Tonks' flat - leaned in with lightning speed and kissed her. Tonks yelped in surprise, laughed again, then grabbed him and snogged him back as hard as she could.
Remus. In her bed.
Regretfully, she released him so they could both get up and find their clothing. Tonks had to dig around in the messy piles that littered her room to find something suitable to wear, but Remus, being Remus, had somehow managed to keep all his things neatly collected together by the side of the bed. Tonks noticed he was still moving gingerly, cautious of his ribs, but otherwise he seemed to have recovered from his full moon run-in.
Speedy werewolf healing, she thought. That's good, at least.
She'd just finished shrugging her way into a shirt when Remus appeared in front of her and caught her hand.
"Thank you," he said.
"For what?"
"For…last night. If that's not too crass a thing to say. Adequate words fail me, but it was…lovely."
Tonks smiled at his earnest expression. "If anything, I should be thanking you, Remus, and I don't mind at all if that's a crass thing to say. Do you realise how long I've been trying to get you into my bed?"
She could have sworn Remus blushed. "Yes. Well," he said.
She cupped both hands around his adorable face and kissed the tip of his adorable nose. "Come on, silly. They're waiting for us."
Indeed, Sirius was waiting at the door when they got to Headquarters, and most of the Order was already assembled in the kitchen. Tonks was surprised at the size of the gathering; Dumbledore really had called in everyone. Most of the company looked grave, though Tonks saw Sirius spare a smirk for her and Remus, as they discreetly took two adjacent seats.
When everyone had arrived, Dumbledore went to stand at the head of the table. "I know many of you need to leave for work soon, so we'll keep this to the point," he said. There was little of the usual twinkle about the Hogwarts headmaster today. "Ten Death Eaters broke out of Azkaban last night," he continued, then proceeded to reel off a list of their names.
A collective gasp went around the room. Tonks felt her hand reach out instinctively to squeeze Remus' leg under the table. He glanced over at her, startled, but found her hand with his and squeezed back.
"This will be in the Daily Prophet this morning," Dumbledore continued, "but we know in advance thanks to Emmeline, who was carrying out a risky patrol tonight." Down the table, Emmeline Vance nodded, serious and self-possessed as always.
"This means the Dementors have broken with the Ministry permanently and now answer to Voldemort," Dumbledore said. "But although that is a serious concern, the most immediate issue is the ten dangerous criminals who are now on the loose, presumably heading to Voldemort's side, if they are not with him already. We must redouble our efforts. We must stand guard over the Department of Mysteries day and night. We must watch Harry any time he sets foot outside the Hogwarts grounds. And we must observe anyone with known connections to these ten individuals. Perhaps not all of the escapees will go completely to ground, and we will be able to catch some sign of their whereabouts. In this, at least, we and the Ministry will be working on the same side."
Dumbledore surveyed the group from over his half-moon glasses. Tonks thought his eyes looked terribly weary. "Who can go to the Ministry today?" he asked. "Who can go to Hogsmeade? How many of you can take the day free from work without raising suspicion? We should try to learn as much as we can now, while these Death Eaters may still be on the move."
An urgent buzz of conversation filled the room, as everyone began discussing who should go where and what information they might be able to glean. Tonks already knew, though, where she could be of most use to the Order: by reporting for work at the Auror Office as always. Besides, one insistent thought was making it hard to focus on anything else.
"Bellatrix," she whispered to Remus, though it was Sirius' eyes she sought across the room. Bellatrix Lestrange, the mad, dangerous aunt Tonks had never met, was one of the ten who had escaped from Azkaban. Tonks' mum almost never talked about her estranged family, but Tonks wasn't stupid. She knew Andromeda had always felt a deep, if guilty, sense of relief at knowing her older sister was safely behind bars. And now Bellatrix had broken free.
Remus squeezed Tonks' hand. They shared a look, his eyes deeply sympathetic, then both went to see where they could be of most use, as others around them began pushing back their chairs and clustering in smaller groups, still discussing what most urgently needed to be done.
Tonks went to Moody, who had pulled out a quill and started sketching out schedules and assignments, to see if she could be of any help; she saw Remus drift towards Sirius on the other side of the room. She lost sight of the two of them for a bit in the crowded kitchen, but when Tonks next looked up, she saw Sirius had pulled Remus aside by the pantry door, and was saying something to him, urgent and low. Not much needed where she was at the moment, Tonks went over to see what had got Sirius in a lather.
"I want you to keep an eye on her," Sirius was saying, sounding almost angry, as Tonks approached. "I'm not allowed to leave this goddamned house, so it's up to you. Bella is bat-shit crazy, you know that."
"You know I'll protect her, Sirius," Remus said.
It took Tonks an embarrassingly long moment to figure out what they were talking about. Protect her? Who's…oh.
She stormed up to them and laid a hand on each man's shoulder. "I can protect myself, thanks," she snapped.
Remus, at least, had the grace to look embarrassed, but Sirius was unfazed. "Tonks, I know Bellatrix. You don't. I know what she's capable of, and so does Remus. You're in particular danger now, and we're going to be watching out for you whether you like it or not."
Tonks tamped down her annoyance to address a more important question. "What about my mum, Sirius? Is Bellatrix going to go after her?"
Sirius answered nearly before she'd finished. "I don't know. It's impossible to know what twisted priorities she's got. But tell Andromeda to increase their protections at home. Get a Secret-Keeper if necessary. Bellatrix would love to destroy all of you if she could. It's not like she hasn't tried before."
Tonks' knees felt weak and she was vaguely aware of Remus' steadying hand on her arm.
"I have to warn her," she said. "Sirius, tell Moody where I've gone, would you? And then I have to get to work, but that's what he'll assign me to do anyway." She turned to Remus. "And I'll see you…later. Okay?"
Remus nodded, his eyes on her intent and concerned. There was no chance of a goodbye kiss, not in this company, not with all this going on. Tonks settled for squeezing his hand, and hurried out.
Not exactly how she'd thought their first morning together would go. But when was anything ever normal in a war?
- - - - -
Tonks didn't even see Remus again until the end of the week. She did a stint standing watch over the Department of Mysteries between full Auror shifts; he was away for two days somewhere in the south of England, trying to ferret out information for Dumbledore.
She finally caught up with him after a small meeting on Sunday morning - just him, her, Molly, Arthur, Sirius and Moody in the kitchen at Headquarters. Once the meeting had broken up, Tonks followed Remus upstairs while the others were still in the basement.
"Wotcher," she said, grinning and reaching out to rest a hand on his arm. It was the first she'd even got to touch him since that last, chaotic meeting.
He responded with one of those impossibly gentle smiles. "Hello, Dora."
"Am I allowed to give you a warmer greeting?"
Remus' brow furrowed in confusion.
"That means am I allowed to kiss you."
"Oh! Sorry. Of course. I mean -"
"I'll take that as a yes."
When they pulled apart again, Remus looked a little dazed, but he wasn't complaining.
"Would you come to lunch with me?" Tonks asked.
"I'd be delighted to," Remus said. Oh, that smile. She would move mountains wandless for that smile.
"Uh, just so you know, lunch is…with my parents," Tonks admitted. Remus' eyebrows shot up and she rushed to explain. "I haven't had a chance to see them since I dashed by there the other morning, and I'm worried about them, so I already said I'd come over today. But I'd love if you'd come with me."
The look Remus was giving her could only be described as consternation. "I'm not sure that's the best idea."
"You don't have to come as my - uh, my date, or whatever. Just come as a friend."
"Somehow, I think Andromeda's liable to see through that. She always did have an uncannily sharp eye."
"Okay, fair point. But Mum's tactful. She won't say anything."
Remus shook his head ruefully. "I can already tell I'm going to give in to you, aren't I?"
Tonks grinned. "We don't have to stay all that long, anyway. And I have the whole afternoon free, no other duties. So we could spend the afternoon together. If you want. What?" This last was because Remus was gazing at her oddly.
"I just…" he began, looking perplexed. "I've…missed you. In these, what has it been, all of four days?"
Tonks gaped at him, then gave a delighted laugh. "That's good," she admitted. "Because…the same. About you." She grabbed Remus' hand. "Does that mean you'll come?"
"Just let me tell Sirius I'm going out." He turned towards the basement stairs, then hesitated and turned back. "Could we…could we not tell anyone for now? About this?"
She knew what he meant, but couldn't help teasing. "About lunch with my parents?"
"No, no. About us, about this…whatever it is we've started."
Just the fact of Remus acknowledging that there was a whatever-it-was made Tonks quite dangerously inclined to agree to anything he might ask of her. "I'll be ever so discreet," she agreed with a grin.
"Thank you."
As Tonks waited in the entrance hall, she wondered if Remus was actually admitting, in front of Molly and Arthur and Moody, precisely where he was going. Most likely not, but Tonks didn't care. There was a whatever-it-was!
Remus reemerged quickly, and they went out together to what they'd all come to think of as their designated Apparition point, a nondescript alley just along the square from 12 Grimmauld Place that was conveniently out of the sightlines of the other buildings' windows.
From there, Tonks took Remus' hand and Side-Along Apparated him to the stand of trees that was her usual arrival point on the outskirts of the charming - but deathly boring - village where her parents lived. She released his hand and they walked up the path to the front door.
"Dora-dee!" exclaimed Tonks' father, who had an endless supply of nonsensical nicknames and wasn't afraid to use them, when he opened the door to her knock. He swept his daughter into a hug. "You're looking a-Dora-ble as always."
Tonks groaned. "Dad, do you have to make puns in front of friends?" She shooed Remus inside, so she could close the door behind them. "And you shouldn't stand around chatting on the doorstep in times like these, you know better than that!"
"Nice to see you too, sweetheart," Ted said with a smile. "And I see you've brought someone to lunch."
The someone in question extended his hand. "I don't know if you remember me, I'm -"
"Remus. Sirius' only sensible friend. Of course I remember you." Ted looked him up and down. "You've grown up."
Remus coughed. "I suppose so."
Tonks' mother appeared in the entranceway and swept towards them. "Remus! Lovely to see you." She pecked him on both cheeks. "And Nymphadora, so good of you to let us know beforehand that you were bringing a guest."
"Sorry, Mum," Tonks muttered as she was pressed into her mother's strong embrace.
"I'm not actually annoyed, Remus," Andromeda assured their bemused guest. "Come on, come into the dining room. Have a seat."
While her mother, ever the proper hostess, offered Remus a chair, Tonks flung herself into the seat across the table, just barely managing not to knock it over in the process. "It's good to be home," she declared, then, when this statement met with silence, turned to find both her parents staring at her with quizzical expressions.
"Are you feeling all right, Nymphadora?" her mother asked. "Because it seems to me we normally only manage to drag you here kicking and screaming."
Her father chimed in. "And I'm not sure I've heard you refer to this as 'home' since…"
"Since she was eighteen?" suggested her mother.
"More like eleven," her father smiled.
Tonks threw up her hands defensively. "I'm just worried about you, okay? Things are dangerous for you both right now. I want to be sure you're safe."
"Darling," said her mother, "I hate to break this to you, but your father and I have been facing this sort of situation since before you were born."
"Yeah, well, then maybe you're getting soft in your old age," Tonks shot back.
Across the table, Remus' eyes widen slightly. Okay, so he and his parents hadn't been the bantering type. But Tonks probably could have guessed that.
"Dora," said her father, still with a maddeningly unconcerned smile. "Thank you for being concerned. But we're taking all the necessary precautions, I promise you."
"Like standing around talking on the doorstep," Tonks grumbled.
"A doorstep on which we can't be seen or heard by anyone outside, because of powerful protective charms, cast by your mother, that extend for 50 feet in all directions around the house, including above and below, and allow passage only to those specifically named in the charm, or others they bring along with them by both physical contact and deliberate intent. Incidentally, it's a good thing you brought Remus by Side-Along Apparition, or he might have bounced off."
Tonks made a face, chagrined.
"Let's eat," said Andromeda. "Ted, would you get Remus a drink? This one here can fend for herself." She ruffled Tonks' hair (purple and chin-length today) and disappeared into the kitchen.
Andromeda had made Tonks' favourite secret-recipe lasagne, and she kept trying to ply Remus with wine throughout the meal - something of a surprise to Tonks, since her family didn't usually drink much at home, and certainly not at lunch. It gave her the uncomfortable sense there might be an undercurrent of "impressing the potential son-in-law" in the room. Which was really not where she'd meant this to go.
"Mum," she said, as the main course was winding down, "Sirius said something the other day, about Bellatrix having tried before to harm you. What did he mean?" As soon as she'd got the question out, she found herself holding her breath. Questions about her mum's family usually earned a sharp retort followed by a bit of brooding silence. It was a trait, come to think of it, that Tonks' mum shared with Sirius.
Her parents exchanged significant glances. It was her father who spoke. "It was around the time we were married that You-Know-Who came out into the open and started waging war in earnest. And your aunt, as you know, was an active supporter. She came by here, trying to convince your mother that she wanted to mend fences, to be sisters again."
"I hadn't seen her in two years, since I graduated Hogwarts," Tonks' mother added quietly, staring down at her empty plate.
"And your mother was pregnant with you at this point, though her family didn't know that."
Tonks looked from one parent to the other, wondering if she was shortly going to regret making them tell this story. "What happened? What did she do?"
"She tricked me," Andromeda said simply. "She told me it didn't matter if our beliefs were different, that blood was thicker than water and we should be friends. Then, when my guard was down and my wand out of reach, she tried to kill me."
Tonks had the sudden, foolish wish that Remus were sitting closer so she could reach out and hold onto his hand. "And then?"
"We both owe our lives to your father. He came home just in time, as she was pointing her wand at my heart. She ran rather than fight him."
Tonks shivered. "I'm sorry, Mum. I shouldn't have asked."
"It's all right." Her mother shrugged, almost casual. "It's best you know what you're up against. Bellatrix is not only insanely dedicated to her master, she also bears a personal grudge against any member of the family who doesn't agree with her views. I hope you'll remember that when you're in the field."
Andromeda took a sedate sip of her wine, and Tonks was forcefully aware once again of her mother's conflicting feelings about her daughter's chosen career, pride in Tonks' work impossibly tangled up with fear for her safety.
That was the last they said about such Dark topics. Instead, they talked about a spell Remus had discovered in a dusty old tome at Grimmauld Place while doing research for Dumbledore, and her parents told stories from work, and Remus and Andromeda traded embarrassing back-in-the-day anecdotes about Sirius, which Tonks gleefully saved up for future reference.
When Remus briefly left the room after lunch to use the toilet, Andromeda leaned forwards and raised one delicate eyebrow. "Nymphadora?"
"No, Mum. We're just friends."
"Ah. Just friends, and the only man you've ever brought home to lunch."
"Mum, stop it," Tonks moaned, feeling a flush rising to her cheeks. "I'm going to be bright red when he comes back in the room and it's all your fault."
Andromeda smiled and sipped her wine.
- - - - -
After they'd said their goodbyes ("Do stop by again, Remus. It's always lovely to see you," said Andromeda, while Tonks made futile "Cut it out, Mum!" gestures behind Remus' back), Tonks turned to Remus on the path to the street. She didn't touch him, though - her parents were probably watching from the window.
"So, what now?" she asked. The day was crisp and clear, and it felt good to breathe the fresh air. And also to know that the front garden of her parents' house was well protected, even if it didn't look it.
"Well, I'd been thinking… That is, I was hoping, perhaps…"
That adorable hesitance. She flashed him the grin she knew he found distracting. "Come on, out with it, Remus."
"There are some old friends I owe a long-overdue visit. Perhaps you'd be willing to come with me?"
"Sure. Where do they live?"
"…St Mungo's."
- - - - -
Tonks had been to St Mungo's often enough, generally due to various injuries she'd obtained in the line of duty, or to visit other Aurors injured in their line of duty. But she'd never been on the closed ward.
They signed in with the Assistant Healer on duty, who unlocked the door to the long-term residents' ward and ushered them in. Tonks looked around - so far, so familiar. It was simply a hospital ward, with the usual beds and white sheets.
Remus turned to Tonks, frowning. "Are you sure about this?" he asked. "I'm not certain it's fair of me to have made you come along here."
Tonks nudged his side, trying to stay light and reassuring. "I made you come to my parents'. Talk about things that weren't exactly fair."
Remus didn't crack a smile. "This isn't quite the same."
She put a hand on his arm and squeezed. "Yes, I'm sure."
Remus nodded to Tonks, then to the Assistant Healer, who led them along the ward to its very end. There, two people sat on adjacent beds. The Assistant Healer placed two chairs for Tonks and Remus next to the nearest bed, drew a set of curtains around both beds, then withdrew, leaving them alone with the occupants.
Tonks had seen a lot of sad things in her few years as an Auror. She'd seen plenty of injuries and plenty of spell damage, some of it irreversible. She knew the stories behind Moody's magical eye and wooden leg, though she rather wished she didn't. But she thought Alice and Frank Longbottom might have had the saddest spell damage she'd ever seen.
Alice had enormous eyes that made an almost shocking contrast in her pale, wan face, framed by wispy, white hair. Her face retained a certain gentleness, but her eyes were vacant.
Her husband, on the bed next to her, had the look of a man who'd aged too fast. He had clearly once been tall and broad-shouldered, but now he sat slumped on his bed, frail and elderly although he couldn't have been more than forty. He gazed into space, not seeming to have noticed their arrival.
Alice turned to look at Remus, her face somehow expectant and empty at the same time, as if she were waiting for the answer to a question, but would be just as content if the answer never came.
Tonks swallowed. It had been a mistake to come here with Remus, after all. Not because she minded, not because she didn't want to be here, but because she was surely going to make a fool of herself in front of these good, noble and utterly non-present people who were so important to Remus.
They were seated next to Alice's bed - Frank didn't seem to notice or care about their presence - and Remus reached out to take the woman's hands.
"Hi, Alice," he said softly.
Alice smiled a little and made a humming noise. She seemed to enjoy faces, Tonks thought, and she looked interestedly at Remus as he leaned close to her. But there was no spark of recognition in her eyes.
"I'm sorry I don't make it here to see you more often," Remus said. "Especially because I do believe you're still in there somewhere, Alice. I believe that. I don't know if you hear or understand me, but I believe you're still you in there."
Alice cocked her head at him, still expectant.
"Alice, this is Dora," he said, releasing one of Alice's hands from his own so he could indicate Tonks. "She's Andromeda's daughter, Andromeda and Ted. You know them, they weren't in the Order, but they used to help us out sometimes. I think Frank and Ted were pretty friendly, if I remember right. Anyway, Dora's an Auror and she's in the Order now too."
Tonks reached out and shook Alice's hand. "Hi," she said, not sure what else to add. Usually her next words were "You can call me Tonks," but that didn't feel appropriate, given that Alice didn't seem to speak.
"And this is Frank." Remus stood, releasing Alice's hand gently, and went around to the other bed. "He was a bit like a big brother to all of us. To James and Sirius especially, since the three of them were often sent on the same missions."
Remus bent a little, trying to place himself in Frank's line of sight, but the other man was stubbornly oblivious to his presence. Remus reached out a hand towards his shoulder, but Frank twitched away, like a horse flicking its tail at a troublesome fly. Remus pulled back, quickly re-establishing a respectful distance, but Tonks saw the hurt on his face, in the moment before he managed to smooth his features to benign neutrality again.
"Frank was a good guy," he said quietly. "A tough Auror and a gentle soul, which is a rare combination. He always stood up for the little guy." He laughed shortly. "He'd probably be the most devastated of us all if he knew how Peter turned out. He always stuck up for Peter, where Sirius and James could sometimes be a little thoughtless. Frank believed in the underdog."
Remus gave a small shrug, like he was shaking off his disappointment, and came back around to sit down again. Tonks reached over and took his hand. Surely he wouldn't mind that in front of Alice and Frank. Morbid though the thought was, it wasn't like they were going to tell anybody. Remus cast her a brief, sad smile and squeezed back against her fingers.
"And Alice always looked out for us," he continued. "She was one of the few people who thought to look for me after…everything happened. Everyone else was either mourning or celebrating, but Alice came to make sure I was all right. She said it was more important than ever to be strong and stick together. And she believed Voldemort would be back." He turned his gaze to Alice. "That's why the Death Eaters came for you, isn't it? They thought you knew something no one else did."
Alice cocked her head at him and wrinkled her brow. Remus reached for her hand again, still holding Tonks' hand with the other. "It's starting again now," he said softly. "Just like you said it would. But we're fighting. And we're fighting for you, too."
Tonks, who rarely cried, felt a prickling behind her eyes.
"And I told you this last time I visited, but it bears repeating," Remus continued, his eyes still intent on Alice. "I had the pleasure of teaching Neville a couple years ago and he's delightful. Still young and a bit uncertain of himself, but he's going to be just like you."
Alice hummed again and rocked her head back and forth.
Remus gazed at her, his expression sad and kind and loving all at once. "You can be very proud," he said. "Both of you."
When they left the ward, Tonks took Remus' hand in hers again, and they walked like that, hand holding hand, down the long corridors of St Mungo's and out into the pale winter sunlight.
- - - - -
Later that night, stretched out in bed with her head resting on Remus' chest, which was fast becoming one of her favourite places to be, Tonks mumbled, "It's still weird that you knew my mum before you ever knew me."
She felt the rumble of Remus' laugh as he said, "That's more or less what I've been saying all along."
Tonks flipped over, so her chin was resting on him, poking into his stomach.
"Ow," he complained, but didn't move.
"No, I don't mean just because you're older than me," she said. "I mean it's weird that you knew my family specifically."
Remus gazed down at her. "Well, think of it this way. These are the wizards of Britain we're talking about; we're a small community. In a sense, all of us know everyone else. I'm not concerned that you met the Weasley family through Hogwarts before I got to know them through the Order. Or that you knew Kingsley first, from work."
Tonks snorted. "Why would you care that I knew Kingsley?"
"He's a good-looking sort. Perhaps I'd be jealous."
"Don't be ridiculous."
"Oh? Is that so ridiculous?"
"I've only got eyes for one bloke around here, as you very well know."
Remus pulled Tonks up closer to him, so her head rested against his shoulder, but as his arms went around her, she saw his expression cloud.
"Don't," she begged. "Please don't start saying I shouldn't feel that way because you're not good enough or something." She turned and pressed her lips to Remus' cheek, and whispered, "I really like you. So why are you always questioning my judgement, huh?"
Remus' arms around her tightened. Tonks squeezed back.
"Thank you for taking me to meet Alice and Frank," she said. It just slipped out. She hadn't meant to bring up the visit, since Remus hadn't said a word about it since they'd left the hospital. "I mean…" she continued into the silence. "It adds a piece of the puzzle, somehow. Not - I mean - not just for that reason. I'm also glad to have met them for their own sakes. But it shows me more about you, which is - I mean - Oh, for Godric's sake, would you say something, please? I'm babbling horrifically here."
Remus bent his head and pressed the lightest of kisses to Tonks' temple. "Thank you for going there with me. It means a lot to me that you were willing to come."
Tonks smiled, and turned to meet his lips. "Any time, Remus. My pleasure."
- - - - -
(continue to CHAPTER FOURTEEN...)
Summary: In which Remus and Tonks fight battles, arrest criminals, befriend werewolves, overcome inner demons and, despite it all, find themselves a happy ending. A love story, and a story of the Order years. (At long last, my Remus/Tonks epic, which has been years in the making!)
Chapter 13: Breakout
Yes, I was young, as young as you are now
And I never learned to ask how
Old do you have to be?
Old do you have to be?
-Ginger Redcliff, How Old
Tonks and Remus were woken the next morning by the arrival of Dumbledore's silver phoenix Patronus in the bedroom. Just one Patronus to reach the two of them, which raised some interesting questions about exactly how much Dumbledore knew…or perhaps Patronuses were simply cleverer than anyone realised.
"Urgent gathering at Headquarters. As soon as you can get there," was all the Patronus said before it was gone again.
Tonks groaned and cracked an eye open in the direction of the window. It was still pitch black outside. She turned to look at Remus beside her - because yes, Remus Lupin was in her bed. That had happened. How in the name of all that was good, magical and completely amazing had that happened?
Remus, it turned out, was awake and gazing at her with a grin on his face.
"Good morning," he said, voice still husky and not fully woken. "You're so beautiful."
Tonks ducked her head. "You're clearly addled from too little sleep."
"Also true," Remus agreed gravely. "And yet my point is valid as well."
They looked at each other, and Tonks felt an undignified giggle bubbling up. Remus chuckled too, and then they were both laughing.
"This is the morning after in the Order of the Phoenix, I guess," Tonks said. "Find your trousers and go fight crime."
"Only too gladly, if it's with you," Remus answered.
"Oh, stop it." Tonks tried to hide her giddy smile and gave him a gentle shove. "Go on, get dressed. You heard Dumbledore. He clearly wants this meeting to happen before everyone has to get to work."
Remus - the same Remus who once not so long ago hadn't dared even to set foot inside Tonks' flat - leaned in with lightning speed and kissed her. Tonks yelped in surprise, laughed again, then grabbed him and snogged him back as hard as she could.
Remus. In her bed.
Regretfully, she released him so they could both get up and find their clothing. Tonks had to dig around in the messy piles that littered her room to find something suitable to wear, but Remus, being Remus, had somehow managed to keep all his things neatly collected together by the side of the bed. Tonks noticed he was still moving gingerly, cautious of his ribs, but otherwise he seemed to have recovered from his full moon run-in.
Speedy werewolf healing, she thought. That's good, at least.
She'd just finished shrugging her way into a shirt when Remus appeared in front of her and caught her hand.
"Thank you," he said.
"For what?"
"For…last night. If that's not too crass a thing to say. Adequate words fail me, but it was…lovely."
Tonks smiled at his earnest expression. "If anything, I should be thanking you, Remus, and I don't mind at all if that's a crass thing to say. Do you realise how long I've been trying to get you into my bed?"
She could have sworn Remus blushed. "Yes. Well," he said.
She cupped both hands around his adorable face and kissed the tip of his adorable nose. "Come on, silly. They're waiting for us."
Indeed, Sirius was waiting at the door when they got to Headquarters, and most of the Order was already assembled in the kitchen. Tonks was surprised at the size of the gathering; Dumbledore really had called in everyone. Most of the company looked grave, though Tonks saw Sirius spare a smirk for her and Remus, as they discreetly took two adjacent seats.
When everyone had arrived, Dumbledore went to stand at the head of the table. "I know many of you need to leave for work soon, so we'll keep this to the point," he said. There was little of the usual twinkle about the Hogwarts headmaster today. "Ten Death Eaters broke out of Azkaban last night," he continued, then proceeded to reel off a list of their names.
A collective gasp went around the room. Tonks felt her hand reach out instinctively to squeeze Remus' leg under the table. He glanced over at her, startled, but found her hand with his and squeezed back.
"This will be in the Daily Prophet this morning," Dumbledore continued, "but we know in advance thanks to Emmeline, who was carrying out a risky patrol tonight." Down the table, Emmeline Vance nodded, serious and self-possessed as always.
"This means the Dementors have broken with the Ministry permanently and now answer to Voldemort," Dumbledore said. "But although that is a serious concern, the most immediate issue is the ten dangerous criminals who are now on the loose, presumably heading to Voldemort's side, if they are not with him already. We must redouble our efforts. We must stand guard over the Department of Mysteries day and night. We must watch Harry any time he sets foot outside the Hogwarts grounds. And we must observe anyone with known connections to these ten individuals. Perhaps not all of the escapees will go completely to ground, and we will be able to catch some sign of their whereabouts. In this, at least, we and the Ministry will be working on the same side."
Dumbledore surveyed the group from over his half-moon glasses. Tonks thought his eyes looked terribly weary. "Who can go to the Ministry today?" he asked. "Who can go to Hogsmeade? How many of you can take the day free from work without raising suspicion? We should try to learn as much as we can now, while these Death Eaters may still be on the move."
An urgent buzz of conversation filled the room, as everyone began discussing who should go where and what information they might be able to glean. Tonks already knew, though, where she could be of most use to the Order: by reporting for work at the Auror Office as always. Besides, one insistent thought was making it hard to focus on anything else.
"Bellatrix," she whispered to Remus, though it was Sirius' eyes she sought across the room. Bellatrix Lestrange, the mad, dangerous aunt Tonks had never met, was one of the ten who had escaped from Azkaban. Tonks' mum almost never talked about her estranged family, but Tonks wasn't stupid. She knew Andromeda had always felt a deep, if guilty, sense of relief at knowing her older sister was safely behind bars. And now Bellatrix had broken free.
Remus squeezed Tonks' hand. They shared a look, his eyes deeply sympathetic, then both went to see where they could be of most use, as others around them began pushing back their chairs and clustering in smaller groups, still discussing what most urgently needed to be done.
Tonks went to Moody, who had pulled out a quill and started sketching out schedules and assignments, to see if she could be of any help; she saw Remus drift towards Sirius on the other side of the room. She lost sight of the two of them for a bit in the crowded kitchen, but when Tonks next looked up, she saw Sirius had pulled Remus aside by the pantry door, and was saying something to him, urgent and low. Not much needed where she was at the moment, Tonks went over to see what had got Sirius in a lather.
"I want you to keep an eye on her," Sirius was saying, sounding almost angry, as Tonks approached. "I'm not allowed to leave this goddamned house, so it's up to you. Bella is bat-shit crazy, you know that."
"You know I'll protect her, Sirius," Remus said.
It took Tonks an embarrassingly long moment to figure out what they were talking about. Protect her? Who's…oh.
She stormed up to them and laid a hand on each man's shoulder. "I can protect myself, thanks," she snapped.
Remus, at least, had the grace to look embarrassed, but Sirius was unfazed. "Tonks, I know Bellatrix. You don't. I know what she's capable of, and so does Remus. You're in particular danger now, and we're going to be watching out for you whether you like it or not."
Tonks tamped down her annoyance to address a more important question. "What about my mum, Sirius? Is Bellatrix going to go after her?"
Sirius answered nearly before she'd finished. "I don't know. It's impossible to know what twisted priorities she's got. But tell Andromeda to increase their protections at home. Get a Secret-Keeper if necessary. Bellatrix would love to destroy all of you if she could. It's not like she hasn't tried before."
Tonks' knees felt weak and she was vaguely aware of Remus' steadying hand on her arm.
"I have to warn her," she said. "Sirius, tell Moody where I've gone, would you? And then I have to get to work, but that's what he'll assign me to do anyway." She turned to Remus. "And I'll see you…later. Okay?"
Remus nodded, his eyes on her intent and concerned. There was no chance of a goodbye kiss, not in this company, not with all this going on. Tonks settled for squeezing his hand, and hurried out.
Not exactly how she'd thought their first morning together would go. But when was anything ever normal in a war?
- - - - -
Tonks didn't even see Remus again until the end of the week. She did a stint standing watch over the Department of Mysteries between full Auror shifts; he was away for two days somewhere in the south of England, trying to ferret out information for Dumbledore.
She finally caught up with him after a small meeting on Sunday morning - just him, her, Molly, Arthur, Sirius and Moody in the kitchen at Headquarters. Once the meeting had broken up, Tonks followed Remus upstairs while the others were still in the basement.
"Wotcher," she said, grinning and reaching out to rest a hand on his arm. It was the first she'd even got to touch him since that last, chaotic meeting.
He responded with one of those impossibly gentle smiles. "Hello, Dora."
"Am I allowed to give you a warmer greeting?"
Remus' brow furrowed in confusion.
"That means am I allowed to kiss you."
"Oh! Sorry. Of course. I mean -"
"I'll take that as a yes."
When they pulled apart again, Remus looked a little dazed, but he wasn't complaining.
"Would you come to lunch with me?" Tonks asked.
"I'd be delighted to," Remus said. Oh, that smile. She would move mountains wandless for that smile.
"Uh, just so you know, lunch is…with my parents," Tonks admitted. Remus' eyebrows shot up and she rushed to explain. "I haven't had a chance to see them since I dashed by there the other morning, and I'm worried about them, so I already said I'd come over today. But I'd love if you'd come with me."
The look Remus was giving her could only be described as consternation. "I'm not sure that's the best idea."
"You don't have to come as my - uh, my date, or whatever. Just come as a friend."
"Somehow, I think Andromeda's liable to see through that. She always did have an uncannily sharp eye."
"Okay, fair point. But Mum's tactful. She won't say anything."
Remus shook his head ruefully. "I can already tell I'm going to give in to you, aren't I?"
Tonks grinned. "We don't have to stay all that long, anyway. And I have the whole afternoon free, no other duties. So we could spend the afternoon together. If you want. What?" This last was because Remus was gazing at her oddly.
"I just…" he began, looking perplexed. "I've…missed you. In these, what has it been, all of four days?"
Tonks gaped at him, then gave a delighted laugh. "That's good," she admitted. "Because…the same. About you." She grabbed Remus' hand. "Does that mean you'll come?"
"Just let me tell Sirius I'm going out." He turned towards the basement stairs, then hesitated and turned back. "Could we…could we not tell anyone for now? About this?"
She knew what he meant, but couldn't help teasing. "About lunch with my parents?"
"No, no. About us, about this…whatever it is we've started."
Just the fact of Remus acknowledging that there was a whatever-it-was made Tonks quite dangerously inclined to agree to anything he might ask of her. "I'll be ever so discreet," she agreed with a grin.
"Thank you."
As Tonks waited in the entrance hall, she wondered if Remus was actually admitting, in front of Molly and Arthur and Moody, precisely where he was going. Most likely not, but Tonks didn't care. There was a whatever-it-was!
Remus reemerged quickly, and they went out together to what they'd all come to think of as their designated Apparition point, a nondescript alley just along the square from 12 Grimmauld Place that was conveniently out of the sightlines of the other buildings' windows.
From there, Tonks took Remus' hand and Side-Along Apparated him to the stand of trees that was her usual arrival point on the outskirts of the charming - but deathly boring - village where her parents lived. She released his hand and they walked up the path to the front door.
"Dora-dee!" exclaimed Tonks' father, who had an endless supply of nonsensical nicknames and wasn't afraid to use them, when he opened the door to her knock. He swept his daughter into a hug. "You're looking a-Dora-ble as always."
Tonks groaned. "Dad, do you have to make puns in front of friends?" She shooed Remus inside, so she could close the door behind them. "And you shouldn't stand around chatting on the doorstep in times like these, you know better than that!"
"Nice to see you too, sweetheart," Ted said with a smile. "And I see you've brought someone to lunch."
The someone in question extended his hand. "I don't know if you remember me, I'm -"
"Remus. Sirius' only sensible friend. Of course I remember you." Ted looked him up and down. "You've grown up."
Remus coughed. "I suppose so."
Tonks' mother appeared in the entranceway and swept towards them. "Remus! Lovely to see you." She pecked him on both cheeks. "And Nymphadora, so good of you to let us know beforehand that you were bringing a guest."
"Sorry, Mum," Tonks muttered as she was pressed into her mother's strong embrace.
"I'm not actually annoyed, Remus," Andromeda assured their bemused guest. "Come on, come into the dining room. Have a seat."
While her mother, ever the proper hostess, offered Remus a chair, Tonks flung herself into the seat across the table, just barely managing not to knock it over in the process. "It's good to be home," she declared, then, when this statement met with silence, turned to find both her parents staring at her with quizzical expressions.
"Are you feeling all right, Nymphadora?" her mother asked. "Because it seems to me we normally only manage to drag you here kicking and screaming."
Her father chimed in. "And I'm not sure I've heard you refer to this as 'home' since…"
"Since she was eighteen?" suggested her mother.
"More like eleven," her father smiled.
Tonks threw up her hands defensively. "I'm just worried about you, okay? Things are dangerous for you both right now. I want to be sure you're safe."
"Darling," said her mother, "I hate to break this to you, but your father and I have been facing this sort of situation since before you were born."
"Yeah, well, then maybe you're getting soft in your old age," Tonks shot back.
Across the table, Remus' eyes widen slightly. Okay, so he and his parents hadn't been the bantering type. But Tonks probably could have guessed that.
"Dora," said her father, still with a maddeningly unconcerned smile. "Thank you for being concerned. But we're taking all the necessary precautions, I promise you."
"Like standing around talking on the doorstep," Tonks grumbled.
"A doorstep on which we can't be seen or heard by anyone outside, because of powerful protective charms, cast by your mother, that extend for 50 feet in all directions around the house, including above and below, and allow passage only to those specifically named in the charm, or others they bring along with them by both physical contact and deliberate intent. Incidentally, it's a good thing you brought Remus by Side-Along Apparition, or he might have bounced off."
Tonks made a face, chagrined.
"Let's eat," said Andromeda. "Ted, would you get Remus a drink? This one here can fend for herself." She ruffled Tonks' hair (purple and chin-length today) and disappeared into the kitchen.
Andromeda had made Tonks' favourite secret-recipe lasagne, and she kept trying to ply Remus with wine throughout the meal - something of a surprise to Tonks, since her family didn't usually drink much at home, and certainly not at lunch. It gave her the uncomfortable sense there might be an undercurrent of "impressing the potential son-in-law" in the room. Which was really not where she'd meant this to go.
"Mum," she said, as the main course was winding down, "Sirius said something the other day, about Bellatrix having tried before to harm you. What did he mean?" As soon as she'd got the question out, she found herself holding her breath. Questions about her mum's family usually earned a sharp retort followed by a bit of brooding silence. It was a trait, come to think of it, that Tonks' mum shared with Sirius.
Her parents exchanged significant glances. It was her father who spoke. "It was around the time we were married that You-Know-Who came out into the open and started waging war in earnest. And your aunt, as you know, was an active supporter. She came by here, trying to convince your mother that she wanted to mend fences, to be sisters again."
"I hadn't seen her in two years, since I graduated Hogwarts," Tonks' mother added quietly, staring down at her empty plate.
"And your mother was pregnant with you at this point, though her family didn't know that."
Tonks looked from one parent to the other, wondering if she was shortly going to regret making them tell this story. "What happened? What did she do?"
"She tricked me," Andromeda said simply. "She told me it didn't matter if our beliefs were different, that blood was thicker than water and we should be friends. Then, when my guard was down and my wand out of reach, she tried to kill me."
Tonks had the sudden, foolish wish that Remus were sitting closer so she could reach out and hold onto his hand. "And then?"
"We both owe our lives to your father. He came home just in time, as she was pointing her wand at my heart. She ran rather than fight him."
Tonks shivered. "I'm sorry, Mum. I shouldn't have asked."
"It's all right." Her mother shrugged, almost casual. "It's best you know what you're up against. Bellatrix is not only insanely dedicated to her master, she also bears a personal grudge against any member of the family who doesn't agree with her views. I hope you'll remember that when you're in the field."
Andromeda took a sedate sip of her wine, and Tonks was forcefully aware once again of her mother's conflicting feelings about her daughter's chosen career, pride in Tonks' work impossibly tangled up with fear for her safety.
That was the last they said about such Dark topics. Instead, they talked about a spell Remus had discovered in a dusty old tome at Grimmauld Place while doing research for Dumbledore, and her parents told stories from work, and Remus and Andromeda traded embarrassing back-in-the-day anecdotes about Sirius, which Tonks gleefully saved up for future reference.
When Remus briefly left the room after lunch to use the toilet, Andromeda leaned forwards and raised one delicate eyebrow. "Nymphadora?"
"No, Mum. We're just friends."
"Ah. Just friends, and the only man you've ever brought home to lunch."
"Mum, stop it," Tonks moaned, feeling a flush rising to her cheeks. "I'm going to be bright red when he comes back in the room and it's all your fault."
Andromeda smiled and sipped her wine.
- - - - -
After they'd said their goodbyes ("Do stop by again, Remus. It's always lovely to see you," said Andromeda, while Tonks made futile "Cut it out, Mum!" gestures behind Remus' back), Tonks turned to Remus on the path to the street. She didn't touch him, though - her parents were probably watching from the window.
"So, what now?" she asked. The day was crisp and clear, and it felt good to breathe the fresh air. And also to know that the front garden of her parents' house was well protected, even if it didn't look it.
"Well, I'd been thinking… That is, I was hoping, perhaps…"
That adorable hesitance. She flashed him the grin she knew he found distracting. "Come on, out with it, Remus."
"There are some old friends I owe a long-overdue visit. Perhaps you'd be willing to come with me?"
"Sure. Where do they live?"
"…St Mungo's."
- - - - -
Tonks had been to St Mungo's often enough, generally due to various injuries she'd obtained in the line of duty, or to visit other Aurors injured in their line of duty. But she'd never been on the closed ward.
They signed in with the Assistant Healer on duty, who unlocked the door to the long-term residents' ward and ushered them in. Tonks looked around - so far, so familiar. It was simply a hospital ward, with the usual beds and white sheets.
Remus turned to Tonks, frowning. "Are you sure about this?" he asked. "I'm not certain it's fair of me to have made you come along here."
Tonks nudged his side, trying to stay light and reassuring. "I made you come to my parents'. Talk about things that weren't exactly fair."
Remus didn't crack a smile. "This isn't quite the same."
She put a hand on his arm and squeezed. "Yes, I'm sure."
Remus nodded to Tonks, then to the Assistant Healer, who led them along the ward to its very end. There, two people sat on adjacent beds. The Assistant Healer placed two chairs for Tonks and Remus next to the nearest bed, drew a set of curtains around both beds, then withdrew, leaving them alone with the occupants.
Tonks had seen a lot of sad things in her few years as an Auror. She'd seen plenty of injuries and plenty of spell damage, some of it irreversible. She knew the stories behind Moody's magical eye and wooden leg, though she rather wished she didn't. But she thought Alice and Frank Longbottom might have had the saddest spell damage she'd ever seen.
Alice had enormous eyes that made an almost shocking contrast in her pale, wan face, framed by wispy, white hair. Her face retained a certain gentleness, but her eyes were vacant.
Her husband, on the bed next to her, had the look of a man who'd aged too fast. He had clearly once been tall and broad-shouldered, but now he sat slumped on his bed, frail and elderly although he couldn't have been more than forty. He gazed into space, not seeming to have noticed their arrival.
Alice turned to look at Remus, her face somehow expectant and empty at the same time, as if she were waiting for the answer to a question, but would be just as content if the answer never came.
Tonks swallowed. It had been a mistake to come here with Remus, after all. Not because she minded, not because she didn't want to be here, but because she was surely going to make a fool of herself in front of these good, noble and utterly non-present people who were so important to Remus.
They were seated next to Alice's bed - Frank didn't seem to notice or care about their presence - and Remus reached out to take the woman's hands.
"Hi, Alice," he said softly.
Alice smiled a little and made a humming noise. She seemed to enjoy faces, Tonks thought, and she looked interestedly at Remus as he leaned close to her. But there was no spark of recognition in her eyes.
"I'm sorry I don't make it here to see you more often," Remus said. "Especially because I do believe you're still in there somewhere, Alice. I believe that. I don't know if you hear or understand me, but I believe you're still you in there."
Alice cocked her head at him, still expectant.
"Alice, this is Dora," he said, releasing one of Alice's hands from his own so he could indicate Tonks. "She's Andromeda's daughter, Andromeda and Ted. You know them, they weren't in the Order, but they used to help us out sometimes. I think Frank and Ted were pretty friendly, if I remember right. Anyway, Dora's an Auror and she's in the Order now too."
Tonks reached out and shook Alice's hand. "Hi," she said, not sure what else to add. Usually her next words were "You can call me Tonks," but that didn't feel appropriate, given that Alice didn't seem to speak.
"And this is Frank." Remus stood, releasing Alice's hand gently, and went around to the other bed. "He was a bit like a big brother to all of us. To James and Sirius especially, since the three of them were often sent on the same missions."
Remus bent a little, trying to place himself in Frank's line of sight, but the other man was stubbornly oblivious to his presence. Remus reached out a hand towards his shoulder, but Frank twitched away, like a horse flicking its tail at a troublesome fly. Remus pulled back, quickly re-establishing a respectful distance, but Tonks saw the hurt on his face, in the moment before he managed to smooth his features to benign neutrality again.
"Frank was a good guy," he said quietly. "A tough Auror and a gentle soul, which is a rare combination. He always stood up for the little guy." He laughed shortly. "He'd probably be the most devastated of us all if he knew how Peter turned out. He always stuck up for Peter, where Sirius and James could sometimes be a little thoughtless. Frank believed in the underdog."
Remus gave a small shrug, like he was shaking off his disappointment, and came back around to sit down again. Tonks reached over and took his hand. Surely he wouldn't mind that in front of Alice and Frank. Morbid though the thought was, it wasn't like they were going to tell anybody. Remus cast her a brief, sad smile and squeezed back against her fingers.
"And Alice always looked out for us," he continued. "She was one of the few people who thought to look for me after…everything happened. Everyone else was either mourning or celebrating, but Alice came to make sure I was all right. She said it was more important than ever to be strong and stick together. And she believed Voldemort would be back." He turned his gaze to Alice. "That's why the Death Eaters came for you, isn't it? They thought you knew something no one else did."
Alice cocked her head at him and wrinkled her brow. Remus reached for her hand again, still holding Tonks' hand with the other. "It's starting again now," he said softly. "Just like you said it would. But we're fighting. And we're fighting for you, too."
Tonks, who rarely cried, felt a prickling behind her eyes.
"And I told you this last time I visited, but it bears repeating," Remus continued, his eyes still intent on Alice. "I had the pleasure of teaching Neville a couple years ago and he's delightful. Still young and a bit uncertain of himself, but he's going to be just like you."
Alice hummed again and rocked her head back and forth.
Remus gazed at her, his expression sad and kind and loving all at once. "You can be very proud," he said. "Both of you."
When they left the ward, Tonks took Remus' hand in hers again, and they walked like that, hand holding hand, down the long corridors of St Mungo's and out into the pale winter sunlight.
- - - - -
Later that night, stretched out in bed with her head resting on Remus' chest, which was fast becoming one of her favourite places to be, Tonks mumbled, "It's still weird that you knew my mum before you ever knew me."
She felt the rumble of Remus' laugh as he said, "That's more or less what I've been saying all along."
Tonks flipped over, so her chin was resting on him, poking into his stomach.
"Ow," he complained, but didn't move.
"No, I don't mean just because you're older than me," she said. "I mean it's weird that you knew my family specifically."
Remus gazed down at her. "Well, think of it this way. These are the wizards of Britain we're talking about; we're a small community. In a sense, all of us know everyone else. I'm not concerned that you met the Weasley family through Hogwarts before I got to know them through the Order. Or that you knew Kingsley first, from work."
Tonks snorted. "Why would you care that I knew Kingsley?"
"He's a good-looking sort. Perhaps I'd be jealous."
"Don't be ridiculous."
"Oh? Is that so ridiculous?"
"I've only got eyes for one bloke around here, as you very well know."
Remus pulled Tonks up closer to him, so her head rested against his shoulder, but as his arms went around her, she saw his expression cloud.
"Don't," she begged. "Please don't start saying I shouldn't feel that way because you're not good enough or something." She turned and pressed her lips to Remus' cheek, and whispered, "I really like you. So why are you always questioning my judgement, huh?"
Remus' arms around her tightened. Tonks squeezed back.
"Thank you for taking me to meet Alice and Frank," she said. It just slipped out. She hadn't meant to bring up the visit, since Remus hadn't said a word about it since they'd left the hospital. "I mean…" she continued into the silence. "It adds a piece of the puzzle, somehow. Not - I mean - not just for that reason. I'm also glad to have met them for their own sakes. But it shows me more about you, which is - I mean - Oh, for Godric's sake, would you say something, please? I'm babbling horrifically here."
Remus bent his head and pressed the lightest of kisses to Tonks' temple. "Thank you for going there with me. It means a lot to me that you were willing to come."
Tonks smiled, and turned to meet his lips. "Any time, Remus. My pleasure."
- - - - -
(continue to CHAPTER FOURTEEN...)