I'm so fucked.
so the mexico thing fell through. Turns out the family I would've stayed with is hosting their niece this summer, and won't be able to help me out. I'm starting to wish I had accepted the kitchen job at camp. At first I had no second thoughts, but now, it's like a part of me is missing. Camp is a part of me, a limb. When people lose an arm or leg, they say they can still feel it itching after it's gone. Well I can still see the faces and hear the laughter of my home at camp, but then I realize I'm not going back, and it's like I can't breathe. It sounds stupid to be so moronic about a place, especially a children's camp, but it's more than just a place. It's a world, and it's the only world I've ever known where I felt like I actually fit and was happy. This is the first year of my life where I've spent the entire school year waiting for the summer so I could get away. It was the first year I had a non-stop itch for independence and freedom. This is also the first summer since I was 8 that I will be stuck in Potsdam for the entire summer. I don't even get to spend a single week at camp as a camper like I did when I was little. I'm so angry and upset and I feel completely stuck. I'm seriously considering just leaving one day without telling anyone and hitchhiking somewhere. I need to do something. I don't know.