(no subject)
many a count down has begun, xmas, graduation, and ohhh ohh yes, ASIA
ive been struck by all of these random small occurences that lead me to believe that life is bizarre, and way beyond our control, understanding and ability to ever realy understand
people talk about reality as if they know it
as if mere experience were enough to claim it
but im wondering if there is or ever was a real
also
it seems that like most things in life it is less about what happens, the events, dates, holidays meetings, sexual acts, lives and deaths but how we think about them that creates their reality.
what is one thing to me means a million different things to someone else
so when i tell someone exactly what i am thinking down to a T
they may interpret it completely wrong and wrong again
so when i have a third painfully honest conversation with Jill and she still doesnt get it.
i have trouble simply not giving in and taking it up
but i will simply rephrase, rethink and attempt to understand why its so fucking hard to understand exactly what i am saying.
and in the end
any attempt at understanding is in fact a gift ( or at least that is how i am choosing to think of it)
gettign very close to making some big desicions and when i talked with sean about it this weekend. he said, "Caitlin, its really not that different, life is life" and its true, graduation simply means im done here
there are infinite possibilities before me. and it makes me a bit scared, but also amazing excited.
im done with selfish friends. who only want to take, and take, who want someone to fix their lives while they continue to create a world that is full of holes.
because I am not the one, it is not my responsibility to clean up their messes, sad to say it, but happy to know the difference
and because i want to remember this note from Jing, who i love for her ridiculousness, and willingness to fit far outside the norm, how brave she is to attempt happiness:
I had the idea of myself listening to Sean's CD while working in the lab tonight but when I got here I realized I didn't bring headphones with me. I sat here craving for the music for an hour and a half and decided I would go buy a pair of headsets in the Convenience store. It closes at 3am. It was 2:40am. If I wanted my morning to go the way I wanted I should hurry up.
The struggle point about buying a pair of headset was that I already have a couple of them. But then I thought my iPod had been MIA so maybe another pair wouldn't be such an unreasonable indulge. Anyways I did get them and now THE GEM is playing in my ears and I am happy.
Self-indulgence has been quite a reoccurring theme in my life lately. Or rather the balance between the "I should"s and "but I want"s. I called Kathy at the airport today and said being with you and Sean always makes me love life just a little bit more. Some positive outlooks are always brewed by your company. Words like "You only live today once." would pop out in my head when I brushed my teeth in your bathroom. And I'd absorb some courage from your collective acceptance of my five-splenda-in-a-grande-ness to be unapologetic too.
I said to Kathy that life should be everything you want it to be and we shouldn't feel apologetic about what we want. She said she needs some time to believe in that again. The poor girl has been having a hard time getting a job she wants latley.
I know that idea about "life" is extremely self-indulgent. I know there are the limitations of circumstances and the limitations of our own capabilities, hence the inevitable compromises. And I know that there is the FORCE. And I respect all that. But not living full-heartedly is such a sin.
It was raining when I went out to get the headphones. For a moment I thought this was the FORCE telling me that I shouldn't get them. I kept walking and the rain turned out to be not bad at all. The air was cold and damp and it smelled the perfect early winter morning. I started to think the real mistake might be to think that the FORCE would make judgment on every little thing we do. I have the feeling that He plans big for our lives, and maybe we should too.
so excited to bask in that during our trip.. . excited to practice cantonese. wondering how much i really can take in from now until september, for now i ahve learned a pick up line. lang tsai gong may hia bin do la. (hey sweet boy where are you going tonight) gotta love that. obviously crucial vocabulary skills.
anyways, im looving life, and all its bizarre occurences and multifaceted ways of conceiving those occurences..
shia shia
ive been struck by all of these random small occurences that lead me to believe that life is bizarre, and way beyond our control, understanding and ability to ever realy understand
people talk about reality as if they know it
as if mere experience were enough to claim it
but im wondering if there is or ever was a real
also
it seems that like most things in life it is less about what happens, the events, dates, holidays meetings, sexual acts, lives and deaths but how we think about them that creates their reality.
what is one thing to me means a million different things to someone else
so when i tell someone exactly what i am thinking down to a T
they may interpret it completely wrong and wrong again
so when i have a third painfully honest conversation with Jill and she still doesnt get it.
i have trouble simply not giving in and taking it up
but i will simply rephrase, rethink and attempt to understand why its so fucking hard to understand exactly what i am saying.
and in the end
any attempt at understanding is in fact a gift ( or at least that is how i am choosing to think of it)
gettign very close to making some big desicions and when i talked with sean about it this weekend. he said, "Caitlin, its really not that different, life is life" and its true, graduation simply means im done here
there are infinite possibilities before me. and it makes me a bit scared, but also amazing excited.
im done with selfish friends. who only want to take, and take, who want someone to fix their lives while they continue to create a world that is full of holes.
because I am not the one, it is not my responsibility to clean up their messes, sad to say it, but happy to know the difference
and because i want to remember this note from Jing, who i love for her ridiculousness, and willingness to fit far outside the norm, how brave she is to attempt happiness:
I had the idea of myself listening to Sean's CD while working in the lab tonight but when I got here I realized I didn't bring headphones with me. I sat here craving for the music for an hour and a half and decided I would go buy a pair of headsets in the Convenience store. It closes at 3am. It was 2:40am. If I wanted my morning to go the way I wanted I should hurry up.
The struggle point about buying a pair of headset was that I already have a couple of them. But then I thought my iPod had been MIA so maybe another pair wouldn't be such an unreasonable indulge. Anyways I did get them and now THE GEM is playing in my ears and I am happy.
Self-indulgence has been quite a reoccurring theme in my life lately. Or rather the balance between the "I should"s and "but I want"s. I called Kathy at the airport today and said being with you and Sean always makes me love life just a little bit more. Some positive outlooks are always brewed by your company. Words like "You only live today once." would pop out in my head when I brushed my teeth in your bathroom. And I'd absorb some courage from your collective acceptance of my five-splenda-in-a-grande-ness to be unapologetic too.
I said to Kathy that life should be everything you want it to be and we shouldn't feel apologetic about what we want. She said she needs some time to believe in that again. The poor girl has been having a hard time getting a job she wants latley.
I know that idea about "life" is extremely self-indulgent. I know there are the limitations of circumstances and the limitations of our own capabilities, hence the inevitable compromises. And I know that there is the FORCE. And I respect all that. But not living full-heartedly is such a sin.
It was raining when I went out to get the headphones. For a moment I thought this was the FORCE telling me that I shouldn't get them. I kept walking and the rain turned out to be not bad at all. The air was cold and damp and it smelled the perfect early winter morning. I started to think the real mistake might be to think that the FORCE would make judgment on every little thing we do. I have the feeling that He plans big for our lives, and maybe we should too.
so excited to bask in that during our trip.. . excited to practice cantonese. wondering how much i really can take in from now until september, for now i ahve learned a pick up line. lang tsai gong may hia bin do la. (hey sweet boy where are you going tonight) gotta love that. obviously crucial vocabulary skills.
anyways, im looving life, and all its bizarre occurences and multifaceted ways of conceiving those occurences..
shia shia