(no subject)
Insomnia grips me, and the long night looms ahead of me. I should, by all rights, be fast asleep, given that I had so much trouble sleeping last night. I slept for roughly 3 hours after work, and woke up to what might be considered a mild panic attack. There is a lot of undue stress hovering around me right now, and i cant seem to get rid of it.
In school i have a 5 page paper due at 11 o clock today, and i have 2 tests tommorrow. They shouldnt bee too terribly difficult, but its stress nonetheless. I keep telling people not to worry about things like that, and that everything will work out, but i cant follow my own advice when theres so much going on, and so many unanswered questions plaguing me. At least im off of work for a couple of days. Sometimes that leads to an unoccupied mind, which is much more dangerous than a mind that is too busy. I had just wanted to turn it off for the night, but instead im sitting here, feeling isolated from everyone and everything.
I had recieved a text from my Dad saying he cant pay my phone bill this month - i should have the money to pay it, but it wont be until friday, which could result in it getting shut off - since he didnt tell me this until after it was already past due. We've become increasingly distant lately, not talking for months at a time, and we barely spoke to each other when he was down to visit. It could be an indication that he's going to stop paying for the bill altogether - but its not about the money, its about the undeniable fact that he paid for the phone so that we could talk - and we still dont. Living without a father, or a mother, or any family close shouldnt be so bad at my age, 22, when ive been on my own for three years now. The fact that ive been living that way for 10 years should make me used to it - but the desire for someone to turn to, a parental figure to cinfide in, who can help out in times of need, monetarily, emotionally - is something that doesnt go away. The need for some guidance and wisdom is still there, and my former guide is gone, probably forever. He is in the other room - we were going to have a conversation tonight, but he was pulled away by his duty to watch bridezillas.
Strength in silent solitude has been a very constant mantra for me, I've been relying on it for years, but sometimes that inner strength breaks down, and you need someone to guide you. This is why people in prison find God - and earth can be a prison. I am jealous of those with faith, because I have none - just an existential consiousness, searching and waiting, but constantly acting in bad faith, condemned to be free, as Satre said. I am condemned to be free, and that is what creates such a restless and weary mind. I get tired of feeling this way all the time, restless and bleak, trying to create meaning out of empty nothingness like some sort of cosmic magician, every night it gets harder and harder to sleep.
I used to funnel this energy into stories, but not so much anymore. I've been a bit more focused lately than i have been in the past, and perhaps Will and I can work on those stories again soon. I need the distraction.
Back onto stress, money is a constant source of stress. Living on one's own implies so much, when one is trying to be completely autonomous. Rent, food, and bills are obvious expenses, and when paying for school and maintaining the car are concerned, the expenses add up quickly, and i get so dizzy just thinking about how im going to make it to my next paycheck. Battery, oil change, new tires, tuition, books, etc. Quite a load on top of rent, cable, electricity, water, and other general living expenses. It's hard to find meaning in life when each week is a constant battle to stay afloat - life becomes very close to the basic primal desire to survive.
Theres much more, but I'm not going to discuss those matters publicly - best meant for a journal with real ink, where the most stormy thoughts fall onto the page.
I'm just getting to the point where I dont know if i can handle feeling this way much more. I could be really close to passing my breaking point and melting down - or i could just need to get some actual sleep. I'm just worn down beyond belief.
In school i have a 5 page paper due at 11 o clock today, and i have 2 tests tommorrow. They shouldnt bee too terribly difficult, but its stress nonetheless. I keep telling people not to worry about things like that, and that everything will work out, but i cant follow my own advice when theres so much going on, and so many unanswered questions plaguing me. At least im off of work for a couple of days. Sometimes that leads to an unoccupied mind, which is much more dangerous than a mind that is too busy. I had just wanted to turn it off for the night, but instead im sitting here, feeling isolated from everyone and everything.
I had recieved a text from my Dad saying he cant pay my phone bill this month - i should have the money to pay it, but it wont be until friday, which could result in it getting shut off - since he didnt tell me this until after it was already past due. We've become increasingly distant lately, not talking for months at a time, and we barely spoke to each other when he was down to visit. It could be an indication that he's going to stop paying for the bill altogether - but its not about the money, its about the undeniable fact that he paid for the phone so that we could talk - and we still dont. Living without a father, or a mother, or any family close shouldnt be so bad at my age, 22, when ive been on my own for three years now. The fact that ive been living that way for 10 years should make me used to it - but the desire for someone to turn to, a parental figure to cinfide in, who can help out in times of need, monetarily, emotionally - is something that doesnt go away. The need for some guidance and wisdom is still there, and my former guide is gone, probably forever. He is in the other room - we were going to have a conversation tonight, but he was pulled away by his duty to watch bridezillas.
Strength in silent solitude has been a very constant mantra for me, I've been relying on it for years, but sometimes that inner strength breaks down, and you need someone to guide you. This is why people in prison find God - and earth can be a prison. I am jealous of those with faith, because I have none - just an existential consiousness, searching and waiting, but constantly acting in bad faith, condemned to be free, as Satre said. I am condemned to be free, and that is what creates such a restless and weary mind. I get tired of feeling this way all the time, restless and bleak, trying to create meaning out of empty nothingness like some sort of cosmic magician, every night it gets harder and harder to sleep.
I used to funnel this energy into stories, but not so much anymore. I've been a bit more focused lately than i have been in the past, and perhaps Will and I can work on those stories again soon. I need the distraction.
Back onto stress, money is a constant source of stress. Living on one's own implies so much, when one is trying to be completely autonomous. Rent, food, and bills are obvious expenses, and when paying for school and maintaining the car are concerned, the expenses add up quickly, and i get so dizzy just thinking about how im going to make it to my next paycheck. Battery, oil change, new tires, tuition, books, etc. Quite a load on top of rent, cable, electricity, water, and other general living expenses. It's hard to find meaning in life when each week is a constant battle to stay afloat - life becomes very close to the basic primal desire to survive.
Theres much more, but I'm not going to discuss those matters publicly - best meant for a journal with real ink, where the most stormy thoughts fall onto the page.
I'm just getting to the point where I dont know if i can handle feeling this way much more. I could be really close to passing my breaking point and melting down - or i could just need to get some actual sleep. I'm just worn down beyond belief.