(no subject)
This could be a nice tidy little post about what I've been doing lately, but you either know the basics or don't care. I'm not one to go back over covered ground, it wastes time and time is one of the many things we don't have in abundance in life, so I say live.
A french journalist turned writer, Emile Zola once said, "If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud." That's been one of my favorite quotes since I first heard it, back when I was a little girl. At the time I didn't understand it, and in the years to follow I interpreted it many ways, all different, all staying with me in some aspect.
As a little girl I thought it meant I should talk as loud as I could. When I was in a room, no one ignored me, no one looked over me. I was the loudest everytime. If I had to stand on the glass coffee table while my mother repeated in her soft gentle voice many times, "jennalee, get down before you get hurt", I would. I thought nothing of shouting across quiet rooms, blasting my way into conversations, announcing my very certain and strong opinion (largely unasked for and unwanted) on any and all subject matter. I was living out loud, as loud as possible and I loved it. I still do talk a little louder than necessary sometimes, but only when I'm excited, mostly I'm much much quieter now. What I did manage to do is hold onto my opinion, loudest or not, and stand by it unwaivering. I no longer blast it into the faces of others, but I don't have any fear of sharing it.
My version of what the quote meant changed when I became a teenager. I wanted to do what I wanted, with no one to tell me anything. So, I decided that is what he really meant when he said that. Living out loud was doing whatever I pleased, and everyone else be damned. I carried that one with me a long time. Through some times when I didn't care about living at all, because death seemed so much more fascinating. I enjoyed shocking people. Want someone to act crazy? Call Jenn, she's nuts anyway. You've all heard the stories of me attempting to carve Patrick's name onto my wrist. That was all during this time. I thought I wasn't going to live very long and why not just go for it, whatever it was. That attitude ruined my early teen years, but ended me with an amazing man I love to this day.
Later was when I met Matthew and actually settled down some. Hard to believe if you remember all the talk of me never dating again. Living out loud stopped being about when I might die and started being a little more about love. Though I am living for this love that is so intense and complete, instead of for something inside myself, I am trying. It was that love that opened me up, took me from being selfish to loving someone else. I love Matthew and even more than that I love our relationship, our fire.
Which brings us to now. I still love that quote. I still think it speaks to me and my life. Only now, living out loud is making your time here mean something. We're all here, time is going to pass no matter what we do with it. Matt and I will grow up taking care of each other. It only makes sense to teach ourselves, to take care of each other while we're all here. I decide who I let into my life, by how much they can open themselves up to the world and how much I can trust them. It shapes how and why I make the choices I make, like it always has in some way or another. Not on a conscious day to day basis, but overall. I wonder when I'm 40 if I'll see it yet another way or if I've finally got it.
I'm finally getting around to listening to the new Tori Amos record. I honestly used to think she could save my soul. She grew up too. I think the reason she lacks passion now is because she's so content. She was always our rebel with a cause and now she just wants to be a person, just hang out with her kid. I can relate, somewhat. I don't go to her shows anymore because I don't want to remember this Tori. I mean, I know I don't know her personally and all and I'm very happy for her but I guess that's what a celebrity is. Just one side, one image of a person that you don't want to change ever because they represent one particular phase of your own past, and there's a comfort in that. I'm so proud to be someone's rebel.
A french journalist turned writer, Emile Zola once said, "If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud." That's been one of my favorite quotes since I first heard it, back when I was a little girl. At the time I didn't understand it, and in the years to follow I interpreted it many ways, all different, all staying with me in some aspect.
As a little girl I thought it meant I should talk as loud as I could. When I was in a room, no one ignored me, no one looked over me. I was the loudest everytime. If I had to stand on the glass coffee table while my mother repeated in her soft gentle voice many times, "jennalee, get down before you get hurt", I would. I thought nothing of shouting across quiet rooms, blasting my way into conversations, announcing my very certain and strong opinion (largely unasked for and unwanted) on any and all subject matter. I was living out loud, as loud as possible and I loved it. I still do talk a little louder than necessary sometimes, but only when I'm excited, mostly I'm much much quieter now. What I did manage to do is hold onto my opinion, loudest or not, and stand by it unwaivering. I no longer blast it into the faces of others, but I don't have any fear of sharing it.
My version of what the quote meant changed when I became a teenager. I wanted to do what I wanted, with no one to tell me anything. So, I decided that is what he really meant when he said that. Living out loud was doing whatever I pleased, and everyone else be damned. I carried that one with me a long time. Through some times when I didn't care about living at all, because death seemed so much more fascinating. I enjoyed shocking people. Want someone to act crazy? Call Jenn, she's nuts anyway. You've all heard the stories of me attempting to carve Patrick's name onto my wrist. That was all during this time. I thought I wasn't going to live very long and why not just go for it, whatever it was. That attitude ruined my early teen years, but ended me with an amazing man I love to this day.
Later was when I met Matthew and actually settled down some. Hard to believe if you remember all the talk of me never dating again. Living out loud stopped being about when I might die and started being a little more about love. Though I am living for this love that is so intense and complete, instead of for something inside myself, I am trying. It was that love that opened me up, took me from being selfish to loving someone else. I love Matthew and even more than that I love our relationship, our fire.
Which brings us to now. I still love that quote. I still think it speaks to me and my life. Only now, living out loud is making your time here mean something. We're all here, time is going to pass no matter what we do with it. Matt and I will grow up taking care of each other. It only makes sense to teach ourselves, to take care of each other while we're all here. I decide who I let into my life, by how much they can open themselves up to the world and how much I can trust them. It shapes how and why I make the choices I make, like it always has in some way or another. Not on a conscious day to day basis, but overall. I wonder when I'm 40 if I'll see it yet another way or if I've finally got it.
I'm finally getting around to listening to the new Tori Amos record. I honestly used to think she could save my soul. She grew up too. I think the reason she lacks passion now is because she's so content. She was always our rebel with a cause and now she just wants to be a person, just hang out with her kid. I can relate, somewhat. I don't go to her shows anymore because I don't want to remember this Tori. I mean, I know I don't know her personally and all and I'm very happy for her but I guess that's what a celebrity is. Just one side, one image of a person that you don't want to change ever because they represent one particular phase of your own past, and there's a comfort in that. I'm so proud to be someone's rebel.