Fic: Revival Gone Wrong
Title: Revival Gone Wrong
Author: starduchess
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: past canon Severus/Lily
Word Count: 1074
Warnings: none
Summary: A revival attempts to save Severus' soul, except things go wrong when he doesn’t want to be saved.
A/N: This is total crack!fic people. Enjoy! Written for Severus *Sighs* Revival Fest. Thanks to sighing_selkie for the quick beta job. Hugs to you, dear! I think I won Most Humourous Crack-fic for this. ;)
Snape lay on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, his death clearly imminent by the amount of blood oozing from his throat. By some miracle of the gods, Potter had shown up, and he had taken his last chance to give the boy the vital information from Albus. Pouring out the memories, for he knew it would take too long to explain, he croaked, “Take ... it. Take … it.”
As Potter clumsily collected the silver strands, Snape gazed at the son of the woman he had loved, and longed to see her eyes upon him once again.
But before he could utter another word, painful though that would be, he was interrupted by the entrance of a tall black man wearing a pale suit and flanked by a whole chorus of brightly-coloured individuals.
“Yo! Severus Snape!” cried the black man. “Do you believe in the Lord?”
Snape stared at him in complete bafflement.
The man repeated himself. “I said, do you believe in the Lord?”
Snape croaked out, “The Dark Lord, yes. Why?”
“Because the day of the Lord cometh!” Shouts from the assemblage.
A snort came from Weasley, as if to say, “It’s already here.”
The other man continued evangelising. “And He will save all the sinners who believe in Him. Repent and be saved!” Some hmmms and amens and hallelujahs.
Snape, Potter, and his friends watched in shock.
“Do you repent your ways, Severus Snape, and ask the Lord for forgiveness?” More shouts and agreements and “‘huh, you betteh!”
Marshaling the last of his strength, Snape spat. “Leave us, you imbeciles! Or is it too much for your puerile brains to process that I’m dying here?”
That took them all aback. Looks were exchanged between all the members and low murmurs were heard concerning whether it would be worthwhile to stay and try to convince this man.
But the tall man shushed them. “Settle down. Settle down. Now, Snape. We’ve come here for one purpose and one purpose only -- to save your soul from the fires of Hell!” Rousing shouts. “Now, do you want everlasting torment?” Negative responses and shakes of heads from the crowd. “Or do you want to live!” More hallelujahs followed.
Snape began to hiss a “No, leave me in peace,” but the impromptu choir broke into song.
For you know that My Redeemer lives,
And you know that He loves and forgives
All us lowly sinners in our place.
He’ll bestow us with His Grace.
Snape was already reaching for his wand, the world beginning to go a little gray from blood loss, when the Dark Lord strolled back in, followed by many of his Death Eaters. “What is the meaning of this?” he hissed.
Screams erupted from the choir. Shouts of “It’s him!” and “Satan has arrived. Dear God in Heaven, spare us!” rang through the air. They collided with each other trying to get out. Death Eaters attempted to take them down. Potter and company fought to keep them all alive.
Several spells collided within the group and suddenly they were enveloped by a large bubble which then began shrinking. As they began to shrink as well, the Dark Lord noticed Snape still alive.
“You, Severus, shall take these interlopers with you to the grave.” With a flick of the Elder Wand, the group condensed down to a shaft and flew toward Snape, piercing his robes and shoving into his anus. Snape gave out a fierce cry. Satisfied with this, the Dark Lord surveyed the rest of the room and finally spotted the Golden Trio.
“Potter! Your friends will die and you will go down before me! Avada Kedavra!” He pointed his wand at Granger.
Potter leapt in front of her, taking the Killing Curse in the chest. The horrible, iridescent green spell light seeped into his body, and he collapsed in a lifeless heap.
“No!” cried Granger, dropping to her knees next to the fallen boy.
The Dark Lord yelled triumphantly and released Nagini from her glittering cage. “Harry Potter is dead! I have won. All shall kneel before me.”
“Never!” screamed Weasley, who shot a cutting spell at the huge snake. It severed the snake in two, straight down the spinal cord from the brain.
The Dark Lord screamed in outrage, clinging to his chest in pain, as if his very soul was torn asunder.
Seeing his opportunity for revenge, with his very last breath Snape cast a nuclear spell he had devised at his former master. The atomic explosion was vast, incinerating everything in its wake.
The Dark Lord was no more.
********
Up in Heaven, four figures materialised upon a puffy white cloud. Potter clung to his two best friends, crying, while Snape limped about in discomfort.
“Harry!” came a shout from somewhere.
Turning about, they saw three more figures approaching them. Soon it was clear that it was James, Lily and Sirius.
“Harry!” cried Lily.
“Ron! Hermione!” shouted Sirius in greeting.
“We heard Voldemort was no more! What happened? Why are you here?” asked James.
“I don’t know,” stated Harry. “Are we dead?”
“Must be,” said Hermione, “but I don’t know how. I was crying over your body when everything went white.”
“Why is Snivellus here?” asked Sirius.
“And what’s wrong with him?” James added.
Snape gritted out, “After the last Horcrux was destroyed -- thank you, Mr. Weasley -- I sent the Dark Lord to hell with a nuclear blast. Now, if you all would lead me to the nearest facilities, I have a personal matter to attend to.”
“Severus, there are no facilities up here,” said Lily gently. “There’s no need to go to the loo.”
At this proclamation, he grimaced. “Then I bid you all good day.” He tried to walk away, but the pain became so great that he doubled over, gripping his abdomen. Without consciously thinking, he contracted his sphincter muscles and shoved the blob in his arse back out.
Everyone else stood gawking as the bubble expanded, the choir within returning to normal size. Upon completion, it burst, freeing the individuals.
“Well, damn! I ain’t never gonna cause one of these to happen again!” exclaimed the tall black man in the off-white suit. “Is all you brothers all right?” They all nodded affirmatives. “Well, Hallelujah! We made it!”
Everyone raised their hands in happiness, and the entire party broke into song.
Snape hung his head. If this was really going to be his afterlife, he thought he would rather be in hell.
--
Author: starduchess
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: past canon Severus/Lily
Word Count: 1074
Warnings: none
Summary: A revival attempts to save Severus' soul, except things go wrong when he doesn’t want to be saved.
A/N: This is total crack!fic people. Enjoy! Written for Severus *Sighs* Revival Fest. Thanks to sighing_selkie for the quick beta job. Hugs to you, dear! I think I won Most Humourous Crack-fic for this. ;)
Snape lay on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, his death clearly imminent by the amount of blood oozing from his throat. By some miracle of the gods, Potter had shown up, and he had taken his last chance to give the boy the vital information from Albus. Pouring out the memories, for he knew it would take too long to explain, he croaked, “Take ... it. Take … it.”
As Potter clumsily collected the silver strands, Snape gazed at the son of the woman he had loved, and longed to see her eyes upon him once again.
But before he could utter another word, painful though that would be, he was interrupted by the entrance of a tall black man wearing a pale suit and flanked by a whole chorus of brightly-coloured individuals.
“Yo! Severus Snape!” cried the black man. “Do you believe in the Lord?”
Snape stared at him in complete bafflement.
The man repeated himself. “I said, do you believe in the Lord?”
Snape croaked out, “The Dark Lord, yes. Why?”
“Because the day of the Lord cometh!” Shouts from the assemblage.
A snort came from Weasley, as if to say, “It’s already here.”
The other man continued evangelising. “And He will save all the sinners who believe in Him. Repent and be saved!” Some hmmms and amens and hallelujahs.
Snape, Potter, and his friends watched in shock.
“Do you repent your ways, Severus Snape, and ask the Lord for forgiveness?” More shouts and agreements and “‘huh, you betteh!”
Marshaling the last of his strength, Snape spat. “Leave us, you imbeciles! Or is it too much for your puerile brains to process that I’m dying here?”
That took them all aback. Looks were exchanged between all the members and low murmurs were heard concerning whether it would be worthwhile to stay and try to convince this man.
But the tall man shushed them. “Settle down. Settle down. Now, Snape. We’ve come here for one purpose and one purpose only -- to save your soul from the fires of Hell!” Rousing shouts. “Now, do you want everlasting torment?” Negative responses and shakes of heads from the crowd. “Or do you want to live!” More hallelujahs followed.
Snape began to hiss a “No, leave me in peace,” but the impromptu choir broke into song.
For you know that My Redeemer lives,
And you know that He loves and forgives
All us lowly sinners in our place.
He’ll bestow us with His Grace.
Snape was already reaching for his wand, the world beginning to go a little gray from blood loss, when the Dark Lord strolled back in, followed by many of his Death Eaters. “What is the meaning of this?” he hissed.
Screams erupted from the choir. Shouts of “It’s him!” and “Satan has arrived. Dear God in Heaven, spare us!” rang through the air. They collided with each other trying to get out. Death Eaters attempted to take them down. Potter and company fought to keep them all alive.
Several spells collided within the group and suddenly they were enveloped by a large bubble which then began shrinking. As they began to shrink as well, the Dark Lord noticed Snape still alive.
“You, Severus, shall take these interlopers with you to the grave.” With a flick of the Elder Wand, the group condensed down to a shaft and flew toward Snape, piercing his robes and shoving into his anus. Snape gave out a fierce cry. Satisfied with this, the Dark Lord surveyed the rest of the room and finally spotted the Golden Trio.
“Potter! Your friends will die and you will go down before me! Avada Kedavra!” He pointed his wand at Granger.
Potter leapt in front of her, taking the Killing Curse in the chest. The horrible, iridescent green spell light seeped into his body, and he collapsed in a lifeless heap.
“No!” cried Granger, dropping to her knees next to the fallen boy.
The Dark Lord yelled triumphantly and released Nagini from her glittering cage. “Harry Potter is dead! I have won. All shall kneel before me.”
“Never!” screamed Weasley, who shot a cutting spell at the huge snake. It severed the snake in two, straight down the spinal cord from the brain.
The Dark Lord screamed in outrage, clinging to his chest in pain, as if his very soul was torn asunder.
Seeing his opportunity for revenge, with his very last breath Snape cast a nuclear spell he had devised at his former master. The atomic explosion was vast, incinerating everything in its wake.
The Dark Lord was no more.
********
Up in Heaven, four figures materialised upon a puffy white cloud. Potter clung to his two best friends, crying, while Snape limped about in discomfort.
“Harry!” came a shout from somewhere.
Turning about, they saw three more figures approaching them. Soon it was clear that it was James, Lily and Sirius.
“Harry!” cried Lily.
“Ron! Hermione!” shouted Sirius in greeting.
“We heard Voldemort was no more! What happened? Why are you here?” asked James.
“I don’t know,” stated Harry. “Are we dead?”
“Must be,” said Hermione, “but I don’t know how. I was crying over your body when everything went white.”
“Why is Snivellus here?” asked Sirius.
“And what’s wrong with him?” James added.
Snape gritted out, “After the last Horcrux was destroyed -- thank you, Mr. Weasley -- I sent the Dark Lord to hell with a nuclear blast. Now, if you all would lead me to the nearest facilities, I have a personal matter to attend to.”
“Severus, there are no facilities up here,” said Lily gently. “There’s no need to go to the loo.”
At this proclamation, he grimaced. “Then I bid you all good day.” He tried to walk away, but the pain became so great that he doubled over, gripping his abdomen. Without consciously thinking, he contracted his sphincter muscles and shoved the blob in his arse back out.
Everyone else stood gawking as the bubble expanded, the choir within returning to normal size. Upon completion, it burst, freeing the individuals.
“Well, damn! I ain’t never gonna cause one of these to happen again!” exclaimed the tall black man in the off-white suit. “Is all you brothers all right?” They all nodded affirmatives. “Well, Hallelujah! We made it!”
Everyone raised their hands in happiness, and the entire party broke into song.
Snape hung his head. If this was really going to be his afterlife, he thought he would rather be in hell.
--