why do bad things happen?
This has long been a question that people of asked through the ages of each other and of religions, along with it's corollary "why does God allow bad things to happen?", and most people never get a satisfactory answer
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I'm certainly with you on the chaos, the crap luck, and the time to go, but my gut responses to 5 & 6 are coloured by my own experience:
5) Thirteen years of excruciating loneliness (being left by my husband, which was devastating; losing both my parents to cancer; being made redundant in between; having had to up sticks and move to the other end of the country) has gradually worn me down, making me tired, fat, infirm, and more and more reclusive. I used to feel a good ten years younger than I was (and people responded accordingly); now I feel very, very old, and hopeless. On the tenth anniversary of my husband's leaving, a switch seemed to flick in my head and misery became anger, and things have been much worse since. It's no longer because he went, it's because nothing I've done, none of the things I've tried, none of the effort I've made, has ever replaced the hole he left. Every day I just congratulate myself that I'm managing to keep living.
6) I don't usually let other people know how I feel any more (hence the growing reclusiveness). In the past, they either shied away, or told me to think of people worse off than myself -- "Do you really think I don't know there are people much, much worse off than myself? Just why do you think I'm so depressed?" -- or they'd try to come up with 'practical' solutions that I'd already tried and, frankly, worn out the T-shirt for...
The counsellor I used to see said that my situation was quite common, and couldn't be solved with drugs or therapy, because it was about loneliness. My doctor said something similar: "I'd be worried if you weren't depressed."
(The counsellor disappeared a couple of months ago and I don't like to pester her family, but I'm afraid something bad has happened to her, too. Losing her has made a big difference to me).
In the back of my mind, I always thought that my being single was part of God's purpose, because my parents needed me, and I didn't have to worry about letting a spouse down to be with them. But my Dad died more than three years ago, and 'being free' is just being even lonelier, and I miss both my parents terribly.
Yes, I'm self sufficient; I hold down a full-time job, I pay the mortgage and the car repayments and I go on holiday. I spend as much time with my brothers and their families as I can. But I would trade everything I have for some companionship.
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Caveat two: It was not my intention to make anyone cry or insult anyone's pain. I hope it didn't come across that way.
*hugs you tight* oh, I wish I could jump across the ocean and give you a real hug. Loneliness sucks; I understand that. But at the same time it is still a condition that is slowly shaping your life and your character. Maybe not the way you would like it to or the way you envision yourself to be, but it is happening.
One of my favourite books recently, Paladin of Souls by Lois McMaster Bujold, had a little bit to say on this issue. In the story, one of the characters had been demon-gnawed several years prior and when he finally got those pieces of his soul back, he remembered what an evil person he had been. He was now trying to reconcile his old self with his current self and ended up loathing his whole being. Ista tells him, "You have some darkness in you, yes, but you are not finished yet; you still have time left to paint the picture of your soul. The Gods do not want perfect souls, but great ones; I think the darkness is where the greatness grows from."
As for companionship, have you tried joining some group or activity? My RL friend Lucritia keeps asking me where to go to meet guys, and I keep telling her to take the group dance lessons over at SSQQ Dance Studio. She can meet TONS of great people over there; it's a very friendly and open atmosphere, and they switch partners during the classes, so you meet everybody. My advice to both you and her is find something you like to do and join a group of like-minded individuals. You may not meet a life partner, but it might alleviate some of the depression.
*hugs you again*
There are some of us who care ....
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have you tried joining some group or activity?
Like I said, I've worn out the T-shirts! I've tried evening classes, study days, weekend study workshops, group holidays; I've had three jobs (three different work places); I've also gone to exhibitions, museums, monuments and eaten in the restaurants...
For years!
In desperation, I tried speed dating. I even tried to join an introduction agency but they wouldn't have me!
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*hugs you more*
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