finalmente...
yeah...so now i have the whole tool discography (thanks, mike!). its groovy, man....good stuff...some live shit, too. im happy i got it. i couldnt find my mer de noms cd, tho, and that kinda pissed me off. isnt shit grand. its three o' six in the am....its now feb 14th, my brother's fourth birthday. im happy for him...he's made it this far in a family this fucked up...and he seems to be the sanest....lucky child. hopefully he'll stay that way, cuz once upon a time, i was alright, too.
but i wont go there. im enjoying this blank stare into a computer moniter, trying to tire my eyes so i may sleep a wink. i tried for an hour and a half, after i called him and told him that i was going to sleep. i wanted to sleep away the rest of this night. i wanted to make it all disappear and turn it into just another nightmare that i wake up in the middle of the night from....panic attacking my soul....it just doesnt end. it never ends.
i had a dream i was in a gas station trying to buy water and they didnt have any and i was dehydrating. then i woke up and realized i was thirsty, so i walked to the kitchen and filled up the glass and drank it down twice...then i went back to bed only to dream of trying to go awol on my first day at basic training for the second time....that dream never ends....its frightening....im always running in it, trying to get off base, trying to find a ride out, to find a way home....and im trapped....then i wake up, not remembering where im at...until michael grabs my hand to pull me back into reality and tells me that im ok, that he's with me....and i can suddenly feel air entering into my lungs again....but now i dont have that....now, i wake up in the middle of the night, feeling alone and afraid, unsure of where or who i am....unable to breathe....one night i was lucky and felt his hand holding mine....it was spiritual....and im glad he found me in my sleep....
but not tonight. i cant even sleep. im so tired...my eyes wont even close...
theres too much on my mind, too much to be done....and hardly any means to do it....my will is wearing thin....and i can feel it...but i havent given in yet...something is holding me up, like im chained to the wall in order not to fall down....but how? WHY?
or perhaps im just feeling sorry for myself and all my self-created fuckups in this state of sleeplessness...
but i wont go there. im enjoying this blank stare into a computer moniter, trying to tire my eyes so i may sleep a wink. i tried for an hour and a half, after i called him and told him that i was going to sleep. i wanted to sleep away the rest of this night. i wanted to make it all disappear and turn it into just another nightmare that i wake up in the middle of the night from....panic attacking my soul....it just doesnt end. it never ends.
i had a dream i was in a gas station trying to buy water and they didnt have any and i was dehydrating. then i woke up and realized i was thirsty, so i walked to the kitchen and filled up the glass and drank it down twice...then i went back to bed only to dream of trying to go awol on my first day at basic training for the second time....that dream never ends....its frightening....im always running in it, trying to get off base, trying to find a ride out, to find a way home....and im trapped....then i wake up, not remembering where im at...until michael grabs my hand to pull me back into reality and tells me that im ok, that he's with me....and i can suddenly feel air entering into my lungs again....but now i dont have that....now, i wake up in the middle of the night, feeling alone and afraid, unsure of where or who i am....unable to breathe....one night i was lucky and felt his hand holding mine....it was spiritual....and im glad he found me in my sleep....
but not tonight. i cant even sleep. im so tired...my eyes wont even close...
theres too much on my mind, too much to be done....and hardly any means to do it....my will is wearing thin....and i can feel it...but i havent given in yet...something is holding me up, like im chained to the wall in order not to fall down....but how? WHY?
or perhaps im just feeling sorry for myself and all my self-created fuckups in this state of sleeplessness...