Last entry explained, and a new one
This morning I was writing about my need for love. I was posting from my iPhone and it failed, so that app's finally been deleted. I lamented how I've withdrawn, let myself become too isolated from my friends, from love. It's so hard to think of yourself as a good person if you don't let yourself be loved. I promised myself I would talk to the people out there who like me, let myself have people I care about in my life again. Last night my roommates were less than effusive, not joking around with my and of course I assumed I'd somehow offended them. Just one more mistake in my perception; if everyone isn't loving me all the time, I must be doing something wrong. I was a little tipsy after two martinis, but as Chris(tina) said tonight, I was fuzzy. And not at all threatening. And of course I took the most negative interpretation and chastised myself today.
No man is an island. I treat myself as an outcast, as I was treated in grades school from being both socially isolated from maladjustment and just being so smart no one knew what I was talking about. Everyone talks about loving getting away from school and going on to college where you meet new people, which was good for me, but no one talks about how you carry that lack of meshing of gears with you in life; it can poison you forever if you let it. I have friends, people who care about me, and with my self-dislike I don't believe it. I feel like they're humoring me, or if they show an active interest in me, there's something wrong with them.
I need to let myself be loved. Don't think about it, just love others and be loved back. Friendship. Love.
Hope.
No man is an island. I treat myself as an outcast, as I was treated in grades school from being both socially isolated from maladjustment and just being so smart no one knew what I was talking about. Everyone talks about loving getting away from school and going on to college where you meet new people, which was good for me, but no one talks about how you carry that lack of meshing of gears with you in life; it can poison you forever if you let it. I have friends, people who care about me, and with my self-dislike I don't believe it. I feel like they're humoring me, or if they show an active interest in me, there's something wrong with them.
I need to let myself be loved. Don't think about it, just love others and be loved back. Friendship. Love.
Hope.