"We're on a magical bridge Charlie!"
This livejournal is morphing more and more into just a personal account each and every entry. So I'm writing for my own use..and if anyone wants to read it...go ahead.
So last night my mom was ...idk how to describe it. But I was not going to let her take her anger out on me yet again and so I left...again. I ran to the Winn Dixie and took some beers for the night and ran into my brother. Odd it was. But then I spend the night at my lover's hah, Eric's. It's at least a place I can go where it won't be awkward nor be judged, but those college kids are spoiled w/ their sleep habits. So I went to bed early but fell asleep at 1am when they did but woke up at 6am unlike them. Oh well. It's better than racking my emotions over something trifle w/ my mom.
And I've come to the conclusion it's too late. My mom can't change the past. She's lost me and has to face that fact and also that she can't go back and repair all the damage done. It's really hard talking to her, too, about all this b/c no matter what I say she hears, "I hate you" when I never say that. So I tell her I'm just not talking to her b/c all she'll "hear" is I hate her. She is almost a lost cause and it still hurts coping with the fact you can't achieve the impossible---I can't change what's happened nor change her actions and thought,...only she can.
Besides all that, school is blah and 67 more days sounds like forever. I'm tired of hearing some select freshmen, including ones I'm friends with and a big sis, getting wasted and chain-smoking on the weekends. Yes, I do drink. And yes, I do smoke. But that's all in check and under control. I don't find puking all the time, passing out on the cold grass, or couphing up your lungs fun. But they think it's "cool". They know I do these things but in moderation. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd rather them do that either under control, not at all, or while I'm around so I can somewhat set an example since I know they look up to me....at least sometimes.
I went to Beanhole twice today and enjoyed hanging out w/ Beth, Anna, and some druggies (one who's really cute ;) ).
And I've decided ....
I want to go to Candy Mountain!
(it's a youtube.com thang)