Ramblings
a 40oz to freedom is the only chance i have to feel good, even though I feel bad...
Tomorrow is 420 and im sad, I cant celebrate the way I wish i could. Things in this world are very crazy at the moment. I feel lost and confused and not sure where my life is heading anymore to be honest. I am back at my dads and I have a boy living with me that Loves me to death yet, i still miss alex deep in my mind and I really cant express any of my feelings to him or anyone else, so here i am letting my mind go on here. sometimes its nice to just vent things and it will keep me healthy since i have been anything but.
today i had a breakdown and freaked out majorly mainly on my roomie who I randomly met online about 4 months ago hes a great person in general I just wasnt ready to be with anyone and totally felt like I was pressured into helping him and being with him in general, I really cant go without smoking it seems, it causes me to wig out and freak out on pretty much anyone that comes in contact with me. im sure thats no fun for anyone around me. I got my 40oz to freedom in the freezer as i speak and as i type im sure my thoughts and words will become less understandable. i will continue to type as my night progresses. Im not sure why i depend so much on being intoxicated, its the only time i do feel alive. I feel I finally express myself and open my mind to how i feel inside. I sometimes feel like i am starting to loose it completely, then Ill sit and smoke or have a drink and it will all start to fade. its a weird feeling.... this world is a crazy place man. I miss all the old times back in the day when things were easy and we all just kicked it and things were simple. I miss all my old homies and all the people ive known so far in my life I think back to them and remember how things were, and there not the same as they used to be.
I guess we all have to grow up sometime...but does growing up mean we loose all joy and fun?
I dont think thats what life is about...
i feel like i am close to being homeless, I have no luck finding work or applying my skills in any productive matter. I still feel I should be doing something with music but I never have perused it. I know i got talent, but will the world ever get to see it? Im not sure anymore.
I feel sometimes the only thing I have to look forward too is watching TV shows (such as my LOST, HOUSE, and American idol) The world is a crazy dangerous place, I read about the Virginia tech thingy, how sad is that, I see that and realize that there are people just as lost and confused and angry as I am. Not that I would EVER do anything that extreme, just that it upsets me that theres so many other people that are abused and fucked up as me.
Me im more of a peaceful person, so odds are you'll never see me on the news or anything of that sort, Honestly this will probably never be read by anyone really, most people wont even take the time to try to understand me. I want to have my old life back, I sometimes wish I had a time machine and could transport back at least 9 months ago when I was with alex and fix things, and fixed the fucked up way that I was. I was so happy then, I was on my own, Out of my parents house I was in a great apt downtown with a mega cute boy, who cared for me. And I fucked it all up. everything is my fault. just my brother tells me, its mostly me that causes all my issues and pain and hes right. its my choices and faults that have ruined me. I will never be the same boy I once was, My brain chem. has changed so much over the years, I have massive anxiety depression and confusion 24/7 I feel like a stranger, I sometimes do things and afterwards think why the hell did I do that? or what was i thinking, I guess thats my problem I dont think enough before I do things...I sometimes think of doing terrible things to get money thats how despirate i get. I hate being poor, struggling along, Sometimes not getting to eat.. feeling isolated feeling trapped inside this house, Sometimes ill pace back and forth like a rat in a cage.. its fucked up...I would have never guessed this is where i would be. but here i am...
for I am myself and thats all I can be I suppose. me..but who am I..sometimes i feel like I dont know. Id like to reunite with people from my past so I can maybe get a image of who I used to be and maybe go back to him I feel disconnected from myself and I miss myself....but who am i?
Tomorrow is 420 and im sad, I cant celebrate the way I wish i could. Things in this world are very crazy at the moment. I feel lost and confused and not sure where my life is heading anymore to be honest. I am back at my dads and I have a boy living with me that Loves me to death yet, i still miss alex deep in my mind and I really cant express any of my feelings to him or anyone else, so here i am letting my mind go on here. sometimes its nice to just vent things and it will keep me healthy since i have been anything but.
today i had a breakdown and freaked out majorly mainly on my roomie who I randomly met online about 4 months ago hes a great person in general I just wasnt ready to be with anyone and totally felt like I was pressured into helping him and being with him in general, I really cant go without smoking it seems, it causes me to wig out and freak out on pretty much anyone that comes in contact with me. im sure thats no fun for anyone around me. I got my 40oz to freedom in the freezer as i speak and as i type im sure my thoughts and words will become less understandable. i will continue to type as my night progresses. Im not sure why i depend so much on being intoxicated, its the only time i do feel alive. I feel I finally express myself and open my mind to how i feel inside. I sometimes feel like i am starting to loose it completely, then Ill sit and smoke or have a drink and it will all start to fade. its a weird feeling.... this world is a crazy place man. I miss all the old times back in the day when things were easy and we all just kicked it and things were simple. I miss all my old homies and all the people ive known so far in my life I think back to them and remember how things were, and there not the same as they used to be.
I guess we all have to grow up sometime...but does growing up mean we loose all joy and fun?
I dont think thats what life is about...
i feel like i am close to being homeless, I have no luck finding work or applying my skills in any productive matter. I still feel I should be doing something with music but I never have perused it. I know i got talent, but will the world ever get to see it? Im not sure anymore.
I feel sometimes the only thing I have to look forward too is watching TV shows (such as my LOST, HOUSE, and American idol) The world is a crazy dangerous place, I read about the Virginia tech thingy, how sad is that, I see that and realize that there are people just as lost and confused and angry as I am. Not that I would EVER do anything that extreme, just that it upsets me that theres so many other people that are abused and fucked up as me.
Me im more of a peaceful person, so odds are you'll never see me on the news or anything of that sort, Honestly this will probably never be read by anyone really, most people wont even take the time to try to understand me. I want to have my old life back, I sometimes wish I had a time machine and could transport back at least 9 months ago when I was with alex and fix things, and fixed the fucked up way that I was. I was so happy then, I was on my own, Out of my parents house I was in a great apt downtown with a mega cute boy, who cared for me. And I fucked it all up. everything is my fault. just my brother tells me, its mostly me that causes all my issues and pain and hes right. its my choices and faults that have ruined me. I will never be the same boy I once was, My brain chem. has changed so much over the years, I have massive anxiety depression and confusion 24/7 I feel like a stranger, I sometimes do things and afterwards think why the hell did I do that? or what was i thinking, I guess thats my problem I dont think enough before I do things...I sometimes think of doing terrible things to get money thats how despirate i get. I hate being poor, struggling along, Sometimes not getting to eat.. feeling isolated feeling trapped inside this house, Sometimes ill pace back and forth like a rat in a cage.. its fucked up...I would have never guessed this is where i would be. but here i am...
for I am myself and thats all I can be I suppose. me..but who am I..sometimes i feel like I dont know. Id like to reunite with people from my past so I can maybe get a image of who I used to be and maybe go back to him I feel disconnected from myself and I miss myself....but who am i?