i am completely ridiculous.
i am completely and utterly ridiculous.
i haven't slept since some very early time on wednesday morning and i probably won't until much later tonight.
my entire body is still vaguely shaking and if i hadn't lay down for those 20mins before leaving i'm not sure how i would have made it home. what even happened, i couldn't detail. i remember small pieces of time and certain words but mostly it's lost. somewhere a strange surfer boy has my number in his cell and i don't even think i could have been coherent enough to tell him what it was. i know he spelled my name wrong, though. i don't know how i missed the sun coming up, though really it's less surprising than it would be if i actually noticed.
i think i've finally sorted myself out and decided what i want and more importantly what i don't want and i'm pretty certain i do not want this. once in a while but i just can not see myself carrying on this charade forever. especially because i foresee myself getting emotionally defeated when all is said and done, and no one wants that for themself when they know it could be avoided.
i'm too awake to sleep but too lazy to do anything that requires much activity. and television is just the bane of my existence these days so that is also entirely out of the question. i don't know what i'm going to do. maybe i will just keep talking to blake for a while. he makes me feel better when i'm being my ridiculous self.
i just wish there was someone here with me right now to have a conversation with. i just ... feel like having one. maybe i will call graeham. my throat hurts and i wish i hadn't smoked so much. it's so fucking sick. i nauseate myself.
wednesday was quite the fun again and it was interesting to run into so many people from so many different places that i knew. we had a little conversation which i quite enjoyed and i was invited out for saturday but i'm not sure i can face it after working for 8 hours and not knowing anyone there.
i gotta get something warm to drink and a blanket and somewhere comfy.
i haven't slept since some very early time on wednesday morning and i probably won't until much later tonight.
my entire body is still vaguely shaking and if i hadn't lay down for those 20mins before leaving i'm not sure how i would have made it home. what even happened, i couldn't detail. i remember small pieces of time and certain words but mostly it's lost. somewhere a strange surfer boy has my number in his cell and i don't even think i could have been coherent enough to tell him what it was. i know he spelled my name wrong, though. i don't know how i missed the sun coming up, though really it's less surprising than it would be if i actually noticed.
i think i've finally sorted myself out and decided what i want and more importantly what i don't want and i'm pretty certain i do not want this. once in a while but i just can not see myself carrying on this charade forever. especially because i foresee myself getting emotionally defeated when all is said and done, and no one wants that for themself when they know it could be avoided.
i'm too awake to sleep but too lazy to do anything that requires much activity. and television is just the bane of my existence these days so that is also entirely out of the question. i don't know what i'm going to do. maybe i will just keep talking to blake for a while. he makes me feel better when i'm being my ridiculous self.
i just wish there was someone here with me right now to have a conversation with. i just ... feel like having one. maybe i will call graeham. my throat hurts and i wish i hadn't smoked so much. it's so fucking sick. i nauseate myself.
wednesday was quite the fun again and it was interesting to run into so many people from so many different places that i knew. we had a little conversation which i quite enjoyed and i was invited out for saturday but i'm not sure i can face it after working for 8 hours and not knowing anyone there.
i gotta get something warm to drink and a blanket and somewhere comfy.