QM Prompt 62
QM Prompt #62: "Your ego is absolutely colossal." - It Happened One Night
Confidence is a funny frakking thing. Too much confidence can mean you're being egotistical. Or it can just be a disguise, a disguise so you don't have to admit your (many) failings.
Trust me, I know all about that.
I used to be confident. I used to have a big ego and be damned proud of it too. That was when I could slip into my other self and leave Kara Thrace the Eternal Frak-Up behind. At the triad table, when I was running, and in my Viper. Especially in my Viper. I could take the best qualities of myself, the determination and daring and all of that, and forget about the parts I don't like. Which is all of myself. All of myself that is not Starbuck, Ace Pilot. All of myself that is Kara Thrace the Eternal Frak-Up.
Now, I don't know.
I could take comfort in the fact that the Old Man still trusts me. But what'll that be worth if I can't complete this mission? Figure I'll be staring at the inside of an airlock pretty frakking fast. So it's no comfort at all. Nothing is. I don't feel anything except scared. Scared because I'm letting everyone down again and I don't know how many more chances they'll give me. Probably none. But then I don't frakking deserve the second, third, fourth chances they've already given me.
I want them to see how confident I was before. I want them to see Starbuck instead of just me. Maybe they'd have an easier time believing her because gods only know they don't believe me. I've never been good at this CO thing anyway. Even though I used to tease Lee mercilessly about being CAG it's never something I wanted for myself. I was enough of a screw-up as a flight instructor. Now I've got my own mission and guess what, I'm screwing that up too.
It's not easy having the fate of the human frakking race resting on your shoulders. It's not easy knowing something was within your grasp and you just ... lost it. It's not easy looking at suspicious people around every corner and not knowing how to handle it because you don't even know how to handle yourself anymore and wondering if any second they're going to turn on you and not knowing whether to apologize for someone's death because you don't even know if it was your frakking fault in the first place.
It's hardest of all when you're not who you used to be. And when you're terrified of the person you might have become.
Muse: Kara Thrace
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Words: 433
Confidence is a funny frakking thing. Too much confidence can mean you're being egotistical. Or it can just be a disguise, a disguise so you don't have to admit your (many) failings.
Trust me, I know all about that.
I used to be confident. I used to have a big ego and be damned proud of it too. That was when I could slip into my other self and leave Kara Thrace the Eternal Frak-Up behind. At the triad table, when I was running, and in my Viper. Especially in my Viper. I could take the best qualities of myself, the determination and daring and all of that, and forget about the parts I don't like. Which is all of myself. All of myself that is not Starbuck, Ace Pilot. All of myself that is Kara Thrace the Eternal Frak-Up.
Now, I don't know.
I could take comfort in the fact that the Old Man still trusts me. But what'll that be worth if I can't complete this mission? Figure I'll be staring at the inside of an airlock pretty frakking fast. So it's no comfort at all. Nothing is. I don't feel anything except scared. Scared because I'm letting everyone down again and I don't know how many more chances they'll give me. Probably none. But then I don't frakking deserve the second, third, fourth chances they've already given me.
I want them to see how confident I was before. I want them to see Starbuck instead of just me. Maybe they'd have an easier time believing her because gods only know they don't believe me. I've never been good at this CO thing anyway. Even though I used to tease Lee mercilessly about being CAG it's never something I wanted for myself. I was enough of a screw-up as a flight instructor. Now I've got my own mission and guess what, I'm screwing that up too.
It's not easy having the fate of the human frakking race resting on your shoulders. It's not easy knowing something was within your grasp and you just ... lost it. It's not easy looking at suspicious people around every corner and not knowing how to handle it because you don't even know how to handle yourself anymore and wondering if any second they're going to turn on you and not knowing whether to apologize for someone's death because you don't even know if it was your frakking fault in the first place.
It's hardest of all when you're not who you used to be. And when you're terrified of the person you might have become.
Muse: Kara Thrace
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Words: 433