If I Can't Have You 07-08
07- James Fauntelroy- Upside Down
You make old pain feel so brand new, you
You make the truth feel all confused, you
You make my gospel sound like blues, you
You take my heart and shake it loose
When you turn me upside down
Everything starts falling down, my heart and all start falling down
When you turn me upside down
Kris is still singing the song as they’re getting into bed, humming it under his breath even as Adam switches off the light. “And this house just ain’t no home,” Kris half-sings, half-whispers, and Adam forces a laugh in the darkness.
“The judges sure loved you tonight, huh?” he says.
“I don’t know,” says Kris, and Adam wonders if that damned humility will ever go away.
“You were amazing,” Adam says, and his voice is jealous, though not for the competition. Kris has to know that tone by now, but he chooses to ignore it. Kris’ voice is drowsy, sweet and husky as music in the distance between them.
“I mean,” Kris says, “That song means a lot to me. I guess it’s probably my favorite song.”
Adam sits up wide awake, and tries to make out Kris through the softest of moonlight filtering through the window. The glass is huge, giving the best view in the house, which has used to stare down at Kris more than once, and which they’ll only give up later for the privacy of the basement. Adam can look out upon the whole of the backyard and the pool, too, which catches the sliver of the moon’s reflection in shimmering waves of dark blue. The thing that struck Adam most about Kris’ arrangement was how much the strings sounded like a sunburst, the explosion of sunlight from behind a cloud in the height of June, in the heart of midsummer.
“Is it you and Katy’s song?” Adam asks finally, trying to make his voice as casual as he can, and failing miserably.
“Yeah,” Kris whispers. “At our wedding.”
“Your first dance? Kind of depressing, don’t you think?”
“I meant- every word. I would be lost without her.”
“And without her,” Adam whispers, “You’re just wandering around in the dark.”
“Uh- yeah, I guess,” Kris says, with a fake laugh, and sits up. “Adam-”
“Ain’t no sunshine,” Adam says, “Yeah,” and pushes off the covers.
“Come on,” says Kris. “You know that I-”
“Uh huh,” says Adam, “Yeah,” and walks out of the room. The house is quiet as death, so he walks out and sits by the pool. He’s only in pajama pants, but it’s LA, so even the end of March is warm enough. He rolls up the legs and dangles his feet in. The water is freezing, which he welcomes, wrapping his arms around himself and staring down at the ripples of light across the water. He’s sitting at the shallow end, but the dark water looks as deep as anything, as if it could hold any secret in the world beneath it.
“Adam? What are you doing out here?”
Allison is standing over him, peering down curiously. She’s wearing the faded old Bowie T-shirt he gave her to bed, and it comes down practically to her knees. After a second, she sits down next to him, and dangles her feet in the water with his.
“Ah! That’s cold!” she shrieks, and he pokes one of her little feet with his.
“I should ask you the same thing. It is definitely past your bedtime, young lady.”
“I-” Allison flushes and looks away. “I mean, after tonight- I can’t really sleep, you know?” She kicks at the water, splashing Adam’s legs.
“You’re not going home. I promise.”
“Just- did I really look that stupid?”
“Tell you what,” Adam says. “I’ll help you with your styling from now on, okay?”
Allison pouts but nods. “I’d like that,” she mutters, and keeps poking at his feet with her toes. “Will you tell me what’s wrong?” she mumbles against his chest, and he starts to stroke her hair. His legs have gotten used to the water; the cold is completely gone.
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit,” she counters, and he pulls at a long purple tendril, making her yelp. “Bullshit,” she repeats, and he wishes the water would swallow him up into his depths.
“It’s really nothing. I- I just wish I wasn’t so fucking stupid.”
“Oh, Adam, don’t cry!”
“I’m not. Even I’m not that emo. I’m a 27-year-old man, and I-”
“Don’t be sad,” she says, and pulls her head back to stare at him with those piercing innocent eyes. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
“No,” says Adam, and splashes weakly.
“It’s okay. I mean, it’s not- but-”
“That song,” he says, and she blinks at him, uncomprehending. “Ain’t no sunshine when he gone,” he sings, and she smiles.
“It’s not warm when she’s away,” she sings back, in her full, huge Joplin voice, and they do the song together in magically perfect harmony, with the pronouns the show would make them change.
When they’re done, Allison helps him up and leads him carefully into the house, as if she was the one who was ten years older, and Adam lets her. “Where are you going to sleep?”
“Matt’s?”
“He’s asleep,” says Allison. “And Danny will wake up and think you two are having some kind of secret love affair, or else that you’ve been feeling his, like, irresistible self up in his sleep.”
“I can’t stay with you,” Adam says. “People will think I’m molesting the 16-year-old.”
“Please,” she says. “Everyone knows you’re gay. Everyone. You really are more likely to molest the Gokey. Come on, Lil loves you. She won’t mind.”
“Okay,” he says, and follows her into her room obediently. He snuggles into bed with her as if he was a kid himself, and she lets out a little purr of contentment, settling back against him.
“He was watching, you know,” she says. “He was standing at you guys’ window and listening.”
“Fucker,” Adam mutters, and they fall asleep.
Adam is awoken by Kris’s mouth pressing down on his, tasting of toothpaste and morning, and the sunlight is streaming in from the window and shining across Kris’s face, his sandy brown hair almost a halo. His lips are soft and sweet, face smooth against Adam’s unshaven skin. Adam wraps his arms around Kris’s neck and pulls him on top of him without a thought, deepening the kiss. He pushes Kris’ lips apart with his tongue and knots his fingers in the back of Kris’s short hair. His body arches up against Kris’s, morning hard-on pushing up against Kris’s thighs, and Kris is moaning in response, the heat instantly unbearable between them. “Adam,” Kris whispers, before leaning back in for another wet, gasping kiss. Adam supposes this is Kris’s version of an apology. He can’t think enough at the moment to mind.
Kris only stops when Allison emerges from the bathroom. She rolls her eyes like a disapproving stepdaughter, if maybe with something a little sadder behind it. “Hey- hey, Allie,” Kris stutters, and jumps off Adam as if scalded.
“Bye, Kris,” she says pointedly, and Kris smiles at Adam for a nervous second before racing out. Allison regards Adam’s supine form with distaste, nose wrinkling.
“I’d never let someone do that to me,” she declares, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world.
“You wait and see.”
“And that is so totally, like, my bed,” she adds. “I mean, ew.”
“Point there,” Adam says, wincing, and they walk out together. Matt and Danny emerge from their room at the same time. They gape at Allison and a shirtless, clearly excited Adam, coming from the same bedroom in the morning. “Like, so totally gay,” Adam blurts, and bolts up the stairs. Allison goes down to the table and takes a seat between Kris and a blissfully ignorant Lil. Kris begins to fidget the moment he sees her.
“Listen, Allie-”
“Just please,” she whispers. “Don’t hurt him, okay?”
He stares at her blankly. “I couldn’t if I tried,” he says, all too earnestly, and serves her a guiltily large portion of eggs.
“Never,” Allison whispers, and starts to eat.
08- Liz Phair- Why Can’t I
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too
What if this is just the beginning?
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming
Why can’t I breathe whenever I think about you?
Why can’t I speak whenever I talk about you?
It’s inevitable, it’s a fact that we’re gonna get down to it, so tell me
Why can’t I breathe whenever I think about you?
The night after Lil and Anoop are sent home is a somber affair, Danny and Kris moping about, Matt wandering around in a state of abject disbelief, and Allison sniffling onto Adam’s shoulder until she falls asleep. Adam leaves her room at almost two in the morning to find the others still awake, Kris and Matt silent companions to Danny’s customary late-night food run. Adam regards the three moping figures with exasperation, and then snatches the carton of smuggled ice cream from Matt’s hand.
“This is too pathetic,” Adam says, and Matt scowls.
“Give me back my ice cream.”
“Would you rather have it have been you?” Adam says. “Get eliminated again?”
“We can miss our friends, Adam,” says Kris.
“Right,” says Adam. “And Lil and Anoop would have loved to see us sitting around being boring.”
“God, man, you’re such a bitch,” Matt says, but then he grins. Danny starts to laugh, and he has that goofy, infectious quality that makes them all laugh with him.
“You know, we are being such girls, you guys,” says Danny. “Come on, let’s go swimming.”
“Drown our sorrow?” says Matt.
“Drown you,” Kris laughs, and shoves him playfully, and Adam knows they’ll be alright. The four of them walk out barefoot through the wet grass until they reach the pool. Matt pulls off his shirt, and the rest of them regard him dubiously.
“Come on,” says Matt. “It’s just us dudes. Well, and Adam.”
“Do I look like a girl to you?” Adam says, completely not offended, and pulls off his shirt, and undoes his jeans. Kris licks his lips nervously and doesn’t move.
“Maybe not,” Matt snickers. “Either that, or you seriously need a boob job.”
“It’s like Anoop’s still here,” says Danny. He joins in much more quickly than Kris would have expected, leaving Kris the only one still waiting.
“Are you gonna take that off?” Matt is saying, and Adam shrugs gracefully, that irresistible look of mischief flashing across his face.
“I don’t have anything to be ashamed of,” he says. “Do you?”
“No!” says Matt. “Alright, you’re on, Lambert.”
“Wow, we’re skinny-dipping? It’s like high school or something,” Danny says, but clearly Adam’s been corrupting even him, because he’s gotten his clothes and glasses off and jumped into the water before Adam and Matt have finished their Western-movie stare down.
“Quick draw?” says Matt, and they burst out laughing like they really are high schoolers.
“This is like bad porn,” Adam says, and Matt nods.
“Come on, guys, the water’s great!” calls Danny, but his sputtering and shivering belies the statement. Matt seems to have as little modesty as Adam, though, or even less, because even after stripping down all the way, he stays standing at the side of the pool, eyeing Adam critically.
“About the same, I guess,” he says, and cocks his head sideways. Adam yelps and pushes him into the pool, jumping in after him. They soak Danny pretty well, and soon all three of them are hollering from the cold and making it even worse by splashing each other. “Aren’t you coming, Kris?” Matt yells, and then Adam’s dunked his head underwater, letting out one of his famous screaming runs in victory. Danny waves up at Kris enthusiastically.
“Yeah, Kris, we aren’t watching,” says Danny, and then looks over at Adam and Matt, who are still wrestling in the shallow end. “Well, at least I’m not,” he says, and starts to paddle happily about. Danny has this funny habit of singing when he’s in the pool, and right now he’s going into “What Hurts the Most,” which is hardly encouraging.
Kris sighs, and then obeys, tentatively unbuttoning his shirt. Adam stops to watch, and gets totally owned by Matt as a result. As soon as Adam’s gaze is diverted, it’s easy for him to step quickly out of his jeans and underwear and slide in. His cannonball is definitely reserved for when he’s clothed. He’s never gone swimming like this, though he’s sure Matt and Adam have, and maybe even Danny. People say he can be quiet or kind of shy at the best of times, and this being naked and wet around other people thing would be bad enough without Adam around, laughing and teasing and every kind of temptation he can imagine. It’s night, but not dark enough to hide how the water shines off Adam’s smooth pale skin as he splashes through the water, how tantalizingly his freckles trail down his skin and beneath the water, and how badly he does not want Matt and Danny to see him staring.
Matt breaks off from Adam to greet Kris, which naturally comes in the form of attempted drowning. Adam swims over to where Danny’s floating on his back (more of Danny than Kris ever wanted to see, no matter how hard he’s trying not to), and Kris tenses up for a second, but Danny just grins at Adam and starts up a new song Adam knows, something lighter, all pop, a girl song, and Matt seems to know it, too. Kris doesn’t, and he’s left staring at the three of them again. Anyone who didn’t know them would have thought Adam would be the outsider here.
“We haven’t fucked yet, but my head’s spinning,” Adam sings, making Matt and Danny laugh, but his eyes are on Kris, almost mocking, and Kris can feel his head start to spin, vision blurred already with chlorine, and blurred even more by the moonlight on Adam’s skin, and by the suggestion in Adam’s eyes of things so filthy Kris can’t even imagine, all to this sweet, pretty song.
Matt gets a lengthy opportunity to show off his beloved falsetto, and then they’re all laughing and clapping each other on the back. “I can’t believe you know that song!” Adam calls to Danny, and Kris can see Danny’s face fall slightly. Kris hopes terribly that it hadn’t been a favorite of Sophia’s, but then Matt’s quickly changed the subject.
“I can’t believe you guys get along so well now,” he chirps, and Kris relaxes.
“Yeah,” Adam says, and grins. “I mean, when he’s not four-eyed.”
“Homies,” Danny says equably, and they fist bump.
“Hey, Kris is getting lonely,” says Matt, the sadistic asshole that he is, and so Adam tosses his head and swims back to the shallow end, where Kris is still standing. Adam swims right up until their faces are almost touching, so dangerously close that he can almost feel the heat of Adam’s body, exquisite in the freezing water, and the air leaves Kris’s lungs for entirely too long. After he manages to tear his eyes away from Adam’s chest and hair and lips, though, he notices something which makes him laugh again.
“Hey, Adam,” says Kris. “Your make-up’s running.”
“What?” says Adam, and reaches up to touch under his left eye. His fingers come away black, and he curses. Matt and Danny snicker.
“Raccoon!” Matt calls, and Danny mimes a sobbing girl.
“Shut up,” says Adam, rolling his eyes, and reaches up to wipe at them. Kris’s hand beats his.
“Let me,” says Kris, eyes locked on Adam’s, and runs his fingers under one eye, then another, and then down Adam’s cheek. His darkened fingers find themselves lingering on Adam’s soft skin, entranced by the smell of Adam, the usual cologne and hairspray and strawberries mixed with the sharp tang of chlorine. With the tear tracks wiped away, Adam actually looks good like this, unfairly enough; more than good, his constantly smudged eyeliner even wilder than usual, dark eyes huge and magnetic, and his wet lips parted so invitingly it’s all Kris can do not to devour them, and Kris is definitely not the devouring kind of guy, but that is the ridiculous word that flashes through his mind: he’d like to devour Adam, and Adam looks as though he’s just waiting for it.
“Hey, Danny, I’m getting cold,” Matt says quickly. “I think I’ll take the first shower, okay?”
“Oh, no, you don’t!” crows a wonderfully oblivious Danny, and the two of them grab their clothes and race back to the house as if compelled by magic. Adam and Kris stare after the two of them, and then look back at each other once the other boys have gone. Adam shakes his head, laughing.
“God, I love that guy,” he says, and then Kris kisses him. He goes in too fast, too hard, and his teeth scrape hard against Adam’s lower lip, making Adam laugh. “Easy, babe,” he breathes, and kisses Kris back open-mouthed, sloppy and tasting of chlorine and so slick and warm. Kris shivers harder when Adam’s arms wrap around his waist underwater, pulling their bodies all the way together. Adam isn’t hard yet but Kris already is, thrusting forward and gasping Adam’s name at the first collision of bare skin.
“Easy,” Adam says again, and then tilts and twists his hips, and it takes Kris a dazed eternity to realize that this slithery, amazing feeling is their cocks rubbing against each other’s, slippery in the water. Kris bites Adam’s lip again without meaning to. “I’m sorry,” Kris tries to say, and pulls back, but Adam just laughs and captures Kris’s mouth again, rolling his hips the same obscene way he does onstage, and Kris cannot remember the last time he felt anything as good as this, as the way Adam makes him feel. It is just as new and explosive and perfect as the first time he played on Idol’s big stage, with all those thousands of people cheering for him, and millions watching him at home, and just as undeserved. Kris will die if anyone is watching this, will die if anyone sees Adam’s hands slide down to cup Kris’s ass and squeeze it so greedily, will die if anyone hears the high-pitched whimper that escapes from his throat, pushing up against Adam desperately, leaning up on tiptoe on the concrete pool floor, knowing he wants so much more, and not even knowing what.
“Please,” he moans, and Adam pulls back. He gets out of the pool, pulling himself up the side and sending drops of water sparkling through the air. He gives Kris a hand up, and then he is guiding him onto the ground. The wet grass scratches against his back, and he squirms, but Adam pushes him back down.
“Someone could see-”
“Fuck it,” Adam growls, and kneels down before Kris. Kris stares at him, utterly helpless, and then Adam has leaned down and run his lips over the head of Kris’s cock.
“Oh, god, Adam,” Kris gasps, and Adam smirks and licks a trail upwards, his mouth like electricity, but the touch is still light, almost teasing, it’s not enough. “Please,” Kris says, and Adam grabs Kris’s balls and sucks one hard into his mouth. “Adam,” Kris groans, “Adam,” and he has never been loud in bed at all, but Adam is proving him wrong. His hands clutch at Adam’s hair, shorter than he’s used to, and he has to clench it tight to hold onto the wet strands.
He worries for a moment that he’s hurting Adam, but Adam said he likes it rough, he doesn’t remember when Adam said that but he heard him say it sometime, or maybe that was just in some fantasy, but Adam pulls back and he yanks on Adam’s hair to try to push him back down, and Adam moans at that, and yeah, Adam likes it rough. Kris thinks he could learn to like it rough too as Adam finally puts that mouth to good use and starts to suck at Kris’s cock. It’s just an inch at first, but Kris’s hips buck up and Adam doesn’t pull back, he just takes it all.
Kris has never had anyone deep throat him before, but Adam seems to have done it more than enough, letting Kris thrust into his mouth uncontrollably. It’s an embarrassingly short time before Kris is screaming Adam’s name and coming in Adam’s mouth, his head falling back as lights spin behind his eyes like a storm, or rather like the endless flash of cameras. Adam swallows, staring up at Kris with those impossibly smudged, piercing dark eyes, and Kris collapses onto his back, gasping for breath. Adam sits up, Kris’s cock sliding out of his mouth with an obscene, wet pop, and begins to touch himself. Kris just stares at him, sprawled on the grass, dizzy with the force of his orgasm watching Adam’s long pale fingers with their chipped black nail polish as they slide up and down that beautiful raw, wet pink-red skin. What they’ve done hasn’t sunken in yet.
Adam comes with a soft sigh into his own hand, and then the white spray is quickly washed away as he slides back into the pool, and starts lazily to swim. Kris lies back and stares at the sky, stars barely visible beyond the city lights, and listens to Adam glide through the water.