(no subject)
maybe it was because we were both lonely. maybe he missed her and that missing, that part of your hear that aches for the one person you want to see over every other soul in the world, maybe that was too much for him. maybe he needed to find someone who knew that ache, who knew what it was like to be separated from someone you love.
or maybe i'm making up excuses, i don't know. all i can say is that the feeling of loneliness is something i'm used to, something that i can combat with time. this feeling of guilt is suffocating. the feeling that i have a sign on my face that shines bright enough for everyone to see what kind of person i've turned into--that is unbearable.
the feeling that every time i'm with him in front of people i feel like i have to watch what i say because i don't want to give any hint to what happened. the fact that i feel like the friendship we had now has disintegrated into some uncomfortable acquaintance makes me sick. sick with anger, sick with guilt, sick with shame.
the worst part about it is that everyone, even myself, all thought that this would never happen. who, him? he's a good kid. you've got nothing to worry about with him. i feel like such a hypocrite. i feel like i've been tricked. was he ever really that nice? and if he is, what does that say about everyone else? how do you go on trusting people when the ones you believe to be honest and good are as full of shit as you?