Pick on Nick
Lately, I've been feeling the need to write something profound; something that will shatter the norm and leave my mark on society. I could comment on the continued growth of communism on Rural Road, or try and extrapolate further on the University narthex, but those topics have been done to death elsewhere, so there's no need for me to continue my ride on those bandwagons. No, it's time for something different. It's time, my friends, to pick on Nick.
While the profundity may never surpass that of the original gem I wrote a few months ago, I have been slowly stockpiling ammunition and analyzing his every move (cameras? what cameras?) in order to provide a robust, unbiased commentary discussing the nuances of my good friend Nick.
On being too polite
Believe it or not, there is such a thing as being too polite. Politeness is, in its simplest form, a tradeoff between a small sacrifice of one's own convenience in order to increase someone else's. By all means, being polite is important (particularly for a sprightly young girlfriended lad such as Nick) but there comes a point when such politeness becomes overdone. Opening and holding the door for someone is an admirable gesture of kindness that Nick seems to have mastered well; however, part of holding the door and expecting others to proceed through said door whilst it is being held only works if the kind and gracious door holder knows when to walk through a door someone else is holding open for him, instead of attempting to encourage said door holder to enter before him, which, were he holding the door, he would refuse to do. Confused yet? Good. Me too.
You see Nick, politeness is something that has to be given and taken, all at once.
On giving and taking
Speaking of giving and taking, part of being an upstanding, respectable American citizen is knowing when to take without giving back. Clearly, it's the American way-had we not taken what was rightfully someone else's, we wouldn't have a country, much less large stockpiles of nukes in North Dakota. Sometimes you have to be arrogant, selfish, and willing to take what people put in front of you-there's no better way to make the founding fathers proud.
Sadly, Nick hasn't realized what it means to be a true American yet. You see, he tries to be too nice-often harboring the impression that he has to somehow repay those who generously bestow things of monetary value upon him. Things like, say, food. Every real American knows that if someone pays for your dinner, you politely thank them and smirk, knowing that you can spend your hard-earned money on items less essential to your survival-beer, drugs, hitmen, and other crucial-but-less-necessary items. Nick, it seems, has not discovered his genuine American potential, and as such acts foolishly when such a situation arises. When the generous benefactor finds, to some dismay, Alexander Hamilton resting on the back seat of his car, he can do nothing but wonder whose money was left in his car. Upon realizing that the money was left intentionally as a reimbursement, this benefactor wonders why his monetary extensions are under-appreciated.
Upon being questioned about this unfortunate series of events, Nick responded, "It was either me or Teddi. And Teddi steals money out of wallets, she doesn't give." Exactly. You see Nick, Teddi has realized her American potential and has embraced it with open arms. He was, of course, referring to another incident in which the previously mentioned benefactor was standing in line at a posh fast-food establishment quite near the heart of the Chandler ghetto (yes, believe it or not, such a thing exists). Upon opening his wallet to prepare money for the impending transaction, Teddi quietly reaches over, grabs a $20 bill, and pockets it, all the while resuming normal conversation. The astute benefactor, having prepared in advance for such a beneficiary, thinks nothing of it. That, my friends, is a quintessential example of doing things the American way.
On succumbing to temptation
One can't enumerate the virtues of Nick without mentioning his endeavors on the world wide web. The most notable of these is, of course, his MySpace. Nick was, back in the day, allied with me in my hatred of MySpace-however, it seems the teenage drama nirvana became too tempting for him to resist. It all started with a picture, and from there things took a distinctly downhill trajectory. It's safe to now say that Nick has been fully brainwashed by MySpace, and leave any further conclusions to the reader.
On walking a fine line
Lastly, it is hard to ignore the fine line Nick walks between being normal and-to use the popular term of the day-Brokeback-esque. Recently, Nick was caught raising his hand when the ever-present "who's gay?" question arose. To further incriminate him, just this past weekend, while sitting at a far less posh fast-food establishment a fair distance further from the Chandler ghetto, he quite brashly informed someone sitting nearby that his fly was undone. The victim of Nick's outcry, confident in his fly-zipping abilities, calmly responded that it was, indeed, zipped completely. I can only begin to question the train of thought that led to him looking at such an area long enough to make such a comment.
Furthermore, I'll let the comment below speak for itself:
As the great Jon Botsford said, "the only thing Nick has going for him on that front is his girlfriend."
And with that, I leave you to derive your own conclusions about the ubiquitously lovable Nick.
While the profundity may never surpass that of the original gem I wrote a few months ago, I have been slowly stockpiling ammunition and analyzing his every move (cameras? what cameras?) in order to provide a robust, unbiased commentary discussing the nuances of my good friend Nick.
On being too polite
Believe it or not, there is such a thing as being too polite. Politeness is, in its simplest form, a tradeoff between a small sacrifice of one's own convenience in order to increase someone else's. By all means, being polite is important (particularly for a sprightly young girlfriended lad such as Nick) but there comes a point when such politeness becomes overdone. Opening and holding the door for someone is an admirable gesture of kindness that Nick seems to have mastered well; however, part of holding the door and expecting others to proceed through said door whilst it is being held only works if the kind and gracious door holder knows when to walk through a door someone else is holding open for him, instead of attempting to encourage said door holder to enter before him, which, were he holding the door, he would refuse to do. Confused yet? Good. Me too.
You see Nick, politeness is something that has to be given and taken, all at once.
On giving and taking
Speaking of giving and taking, part of being an upstanding, respectable American citizen is knowing when to take without giving back. Clearly, it's the American way-had we not taken what was rightfully someone else's, we wouldn't have a country, much less large stockpiles of nukes in North Dakota. Sometimes you have to be arrogant, selfish, and willing to take what people put in front of you-there's no better way to make the founding fathers proud.
Sadly, Nick hasn't realized what it means to be a true American yet. You see, he tries to be too nice-often harboring the impression that he has to somehow repay those who generously bestow things of monetary value upon him. Things like, say, food. Every real American knows that if someone pays for your dinner, you politely thank them and smirk, knowing that you can spend your hard-earned money on items less essential to your survival-beer, drugs, hitmen, and other crucial-but-less-necessary items. Nick, it seems, has not discovered his genuine American potential, and as such acts foolishly when such a situation arises. When the generous benefactor finds, to some dismay, Alexander Hamilton resting on the back seat of his car, he can do nothing but wonder whose money was left in his car. Upon realizing that the money was left intentionally as a reimbursement, this benefactor wonders why his monetary extensions are under-appreciated.
Upon being questioned about this unfortunate series of events, Nick responded, "It was either me or Teddi. And Teddi steals money out of wallets, she doesn't give." Exactly. You see Nick, Teddi has realized her American potential and has embraced it with open arms. He was, of course, referring to another incident in which the previously mentioned benefactor was standing in line at a posh fast-food establishment quite near the heart of the Chandler ghetto (yes, believe it or not, such a thing exists). Upon opening his wallet to prepare money for the impending transaction, Teddi quietly reaches over, grabs a $20 bill, and pockets it, all the while resuming normal conversation. The astute benefactor, having prepared in advance for such a beneficiary, thinks nothing of it. That, my friends, is a quintessential example of doing things the American way.
On succumbing to temptation
One can't enumerate the virtues of Nick without mentioning his endeavors on the world wide web. The most notable of these is, of course, his MySpace. Nick was, back in the day, allied with me in my hatred of MySpace-however, it seems the teenage drama nirvana became too tempting for him to resist. It all started with a picture, and from there things took a distinctly downhill trajectory. It's safe to now say that Nick has been fully brainwashed by MySpace, and leave any further conclusions to the reader.
On walking a fine line
Lastly, it is hard to ignore the fine line Nick walks between being normal and-to use the popular term of the day-Brokeback-esque. Recently, Nick was caught raising his hand when the ever-present "who's gay?" question arose. To further incriminate him, just this past weekend, while sitting at a far less posh fast-food establishment a fair distance further from the Chandler ghetto, he quite brashly informed someone sitting nearby that his fly was undone. The victim of Nick's outcry, confident in his fly-zipping abilities, calmly responded that it was, indeed, zipped completely. I can only begin to question the train of thought that led to him looking at such an area long enough to make such a comment.
Furthermore, I'll let the comment below speak for itself:
As the great Jon Botsford said, "the only thing Nick has going for him on that front is his girlfriend."
And with that, I leave you to derive your own conclusions about the ubiquitously lovable Nick.