but you still have all of me...
Yesterday would have been Steph's sixteenth birthday. John took me to plant flowers at her grave. We planted alyssums in lavender, dark purple, and white. Sara came around the same time I did so we all just sat there in silence for about half an hour and cried. It was a very difficult thing for me to do - I hadn't been to her grave since November when she was buried. I thought I was alright until night came. I couldn't sleep and didnt go to school. I stayed home all day and thought about everything. I thought of how it felt to sit at the foot of her grave the day before, my hands dusted with dirt from planting the flowers, looking at the little gold-plated sign that read "Stephanie Raye Fritz 1988-2003". I was in shock. It truly has not hit me yet that she will never come back. Every day is so hard for me. I don't know what to do sometimes, I feel like I'm just here, wasting my time and my life and everything. I never want to do anything anymore but be by myself mostly. I think a lot about where Steph is. I am Catholic but I'm not very religious, and I don't believe in one whole big gigantic heaven. I believe everyone has their own little heaven. I see Steph's heaven as her on a surfboard in the ocean staring into a firey setting sun. That is how i envison her heaven. I really don't think our bodies matter. Our soul is what matters. When we are created, souls are randomly inserted into bodies. Our bodies are the only means we have to communicate with one another during our stay on Earth. Our bodies can corrupt our souls. For example, people who possess attractive bodies are likely to become conceded because of their appearance. When we die our souls leave their bodies. Suicide is when a soul decides to abandon its body. It kills its body off so it can be free. Stephanie's soul abandoned her body. Although I can't see her physical form anymore, it doesn't mean she isn't there. Visiting her has really changed me. I am glad to see shes in a beautiful place of rest. I know I will go there very often when I can drive. I want to lay across her grave and cry. I miss her so much.