Words Cannot Explain
I don't know how to accurately describe the past 26 hours or so... they have been painful... scary... sad... hopeless... shocking... fun... fulfilling... and everything in between.
I want to thank Becca first and foremost for going out of her way to be there for me today when I desperately needed it. It wasn't in anything she said but just that she understood and that she just listened and didn't judge me. I don't know that there would have been any other way to help me feel even the least bit better.
And tonight was really a great time. It was great seeing everyone and having so much fun and being so devilishly wicked. It was really something I needed, but again, without Becca's help I probably would have just skipped it. So thanks to one and all... I love you guys, whether you like it or not.
As for what happened to put me in this shape... well, there's no one to blame but myself, I suppose. Upon opening up today in a way I really haven't before... seeing everything laid out in front of me... I think I realized how I live my life... I realized how I make it day to day. I lie to myself. I numb myself to the pain I have experienced. I do this because I have no choice. To not do this is to completely give up. I foolishly tell myself that everything is going to be all right, when I know that odds are good that that won't be true. Before you go telling me otherwise, ask yourself what you really know about me and my life to say that... I promise you, it's not enough. The thing is, I don't have a problem with it all really... I do what I must to survive... why I even want to survive is beyond me... I just know I have no choice. I will survive and take what I can from the little things that make me happy. I will get through this until my time here is done... at that point I will move on without fear and most likely with relief. There's nothing good or bad about this... it just simply is... and I have accepted that.
In the mean time, I'll do what I can... it'll never be enough, but what else can I do? I'll make the best of what I can because otherwise I'd have nothing to do.
I haven't always been the best friend to people... I try my best... I do what I can... sometimes that isn't enough... but I'll be goddammed if I ever lose someone I care about again.
Without my friends, I truly have nothing at all.
I want to thank Becca first and foremost for going out of her way to be there for me today when I desperately needed it. It wasn't in anything she said but just that she understood and that she just listened and didn't judge me. I don't know that there would have been any other way to help me feel even the least bit better.
And tonight was really a great time. It was great seeing everyone and having so much fun and being so devilishly wicked. It was really something I needed, but again, without Becca's help I probably would have just skipped it. So thanks to one and all... I love you guys, whether you like it or not.
As for what happened to put me in this shape... well, there's no one to blame but myself, I suppose. Upon opening up today in a way I really haven't before... seeing everything laid out in front of me... I think I realized how I live my life... I realized how I make it day to day. I lie to myself. I numb myself to the pain I have experienced. I do this because I have no choice. To not do this is to completely give up. I foolishly tell myself that everything is going to be all right, when I know that odds are good that that won't be true. Before you go telling me otherwise, ask yourself what you really know about me and my life to say that... I promise you, it's not enough. The thing is, I don't have a problem with it all really... I do what I must to survive... why I even want to survive is beyond me... I just know I have no choice. I will survive and take what I can from the little things that make me happy. I will get through this until my time here is done... at that point I will move on without fear and most likely with relief. There's nothing good or bad about this... it just simply is... and I have accepted that.
In the mean time, I'll do what I can... it'll never be enough, but what else can I do? I'll make the best of what I can because otherwise I'd have nothing to do.
I haven't always been the best friend to people... I try my best... I do what I can... sometimes that isn't enough... but I'll be goddammed if I ever lose someone I care about again.
Without my friends, I truly have nothing at all.