(no subject)
maybe buying a ticket to calgary was a rash decision. maybe stellarton was just beginning to unfold for me. i mean, i have friends who asked me out this saturday and i can't go because i can't spend the money, my FIRST paycheque...i need it for alberta. my mom is really upset that i am leaving so soon, she really hoped i'd stay for a while and spend time with the family. we got in a big fight about it today and i started crying. and i didn't even give my new job a chance, i've been working too hard there and i haven't talked to my neighbors. i haven't made any friends. i go to work thinking about making money, not friends, because for some reason i've become this person who thinks money = power and freedom. then i go home and cry because i'm so fucking lonely these days, and convince myself that all my problems will be over soon, because, oh, i'm going to calgary...
it doesn't even make any sense.
how am i supposed to find myself in that stupid fucking city? some strange new unfamiliar place. i'm more bound to lose myself, like i did in the last city. it's a cute idea i'm going to make friends out there, but i don't even know how.
and all because some little intuitive voice in my head says 'go to Calgary! there's something there!'
why the fuck am i listening to that garbage my mind spits at me? where has that ever gotten me? i don't fucking trust my intuition anymore. i don't believe in it anymore. it's bullshit. all these crappy little 'strong feelings' that pop into my head...as if i'm still somehow connected to something larger i don't understand...as if fate and god have plans for me...as if bravely strolling into the unknown is going to treat me to a dose of unexpected miracles. well, fuck that.
i used to be a bitter person because i thought that the more i believed things wouldn't happen, the happier i'd be when they did happen. and the more it went on, the more my world wrapped itself into this big bitter package where things COULDN'T happen. because i made it that way.
so whine whine whine.
i'm going to calgary anyway, because i'm stubborn, and i already bought the ticket, and i desperately want to get away from the family that loves me and live a life somewhere where nobody i knows can see and leave my computer behind so i can't post entries. essentially i'm trying to disappear. i'm going missing. like a 6 year old who 'runs away from home' and hides in a fort down the street for a few hours until they get hungry and bored and come home to find out their family didn't even notice or care because they thought they were outside playing.
it's pathetic really. but it's partly true. it's not the whole truth. but partly.
it doesn't even make any sense.
how am i supposed to find myself in that stupid fucking city? some strange new unfamiliar place. i'm more bound to lose myself, like i did in the last city. it's a cute idea i'm going to make friends out there, but i don't even know how.
and all because some little intuitive voice in my head says 'go to Calgary! there's something there!'
why the fuck am i listening to that garbage my mind spits at me? where has that ever gotten me? i don't fucking trust my intuition anymore. i don't believe in it anymore. it's bullshit. all these crappy little 'strong feelings' that pop into my head...as if i'm still somehow connected to something larger i don't understand...as if fate and god have plans for me...as if bravely strolling into the unknown is going to treat me to a dose of unexpected miracles. well, fuck that.
i used to be a bitter person because i thought that the more i believed things wouldn't happen, the happier i'd be when they did happen. and the more it went on, the more my world wrapped itself into this big bitter package where things COULDN'T happen. because i made it that way.
so whine whine whine.
i'm going to calgary anyway, because i'm stubborn, and i already bought the ticket, and i desperately want to get away from the family that loves me and live a life somewhere where nobody i knows can see and leave my computer behind so i can't post entries. essentially i'm trying to disappear. i'm going missing. like a 6 year old who 'runs away from home' and hides in a fort down the street for a few hours until they get hungry and bored and come home to find out their family didn't even notice or care because they thought they were outside playing.
it's pathetic really. but it's partly true. it's not the whole truth. but partly.