im getting better at fighting the future
Another question from my lit professor:
How do you feel about the future? Are you hopeful, cynical, or indifferent?
This timeframe we call "the future" is a hard idea to comment on; afterall, it doesn't truly exist yet, does it? Tomorrow is something we create, expecting it to fabricate into reality 24 hours later. But nevertheless, we have to plan for it, because if we don't expect its arrival, we miss its arrival.
How do I feel about the future? Well, its the same story we've heard numerous times (and I think I've written about it 40 times now), but I like writing about myself so here it is:
When I was in middle school, I wrote short stories that involved my friends, classmates and I in twenty years. They were stupid and childish, but I remember being so hopeful then. I always ended up with the boy I had a crush on, and my friends did too. (Either that or they turned into animals, because for some reason I thought I had a sense of humor.) There was never any problems outside our core group, in fact, there was nothing else. We would unite together, still commenting on our teachers pass, although we were 20 years out of high school.
But, as I grew up, I stopped writing these stories. I couldn't picture myself graduating, let alone going to college or being older than 16. I never imagined "getting the guy" or being successful. This is to say, in high school, I lacked confidence. Sure, I achieved things during this period in my life that some people don't even dream of achieving, yet somehow, I didn't once think I was good enough. I drew away from my friends and into a world of makebelieve and depression. All around me I saw sorrow, and hurt. I did not long to be a part of this world of adults. The future, as Motion City Soundtrack says, freaked me out.
When it came time to graduate, I didn't know where I was going to college; all I knew was I had to go to college and I didn't want to go to a college where there would be a significant number of my classmates. I applied to NYU and Pace, but was freaked out by the price and turned down both of these offers. New York City scared me to be honest; I don't know if I ever really wanted to be onstage. By March, I realized I needed to find an alternative and my counselor suggested I attend at state college for a year and decide from there. Thus, I applied to West Chester University and, here I am today.
However, even after arriving at WCU, I couldn't see much past the present. Much like college, I didn't know where I was going in life. My angst and lack of confidence hindered me, and as I switch from major to major, friend to friend, I realized something was wrong. I was wandering off a path I had yet to find. The lights were symbolically "out," and my eyes adjusted only enough to see the obstacles.
But as I made mistakes, I also learned to forge ahead. I learned that I was capable of living on my own and supporting myself. I made my friends all on my own and for once I felt accepted. (Its horrible to think that I was probably accepted before, but was incapable of noticing it.) I had friends who wanted to hang out with me, who thought my opinions and talents did matter. I finally had a cheering section.
When I look to the future now, I don't see the same hope that middle schooler did, but I have to say I have a new form of hope. Yes, I still see the pain and suffering. I see the war with unjust causes, and I see the poverty-stricken people of America being ignored by their own government. I see the "boy of my dreams," and when he turns me down, I know there will be another "boy of my dreams" to follow. I see my friends make mistakes as I do, but know that we are all taking our own path, and each decision we make changes our sense of reality. I see possibility to change what I don't like about my life and work towards that change. And I hope that, even if just a little bit, I can help change what is wrong in the world.
I think the future has to be about hope, because otherwise its about fear. And if you fear tomorrow, what is getting you through today?
And I may not hope to be a teacher married to the cutest Asian boy in the class anymore, but my story is not finished. My dreams have changed, but the concept of future still exists, although its existence has yet come to be.
And who knows, maybe my friends will turn into animals. In my eyes, almost anything is possible.
How do you feel about the future? Are you hopeful, cynical, or indifferent?
This timeframe we call "the future" is a hard idea to comment on; afterall, it doesn't truly exist yet, does it? Tomorrow is something we create, expecting it to fabricate into reality 24 hours later. But nevertheless, we have to plan for it, because if we don't expect its arrival, we miss its arrival.
How do I feel about the future? Well, its the same story we've heard numerous times (and I think I've written about it 40 times now), but I like writing about myself so here it is:
When I was in middle school, I wrote short stories that involved my friends, classmates and I in twenty years. They were stupid and childish, but I remember being so hopeful then. I always ended up with the boy I had a crush on, and my friends did too. (Either that or they turned into animals, because for some reason I thought I had a sense of humor.) There was never any problems outside our core group, in fact, there was nothing else. We would unite together, still commenting on our teachers pass, although we were 20 years out of high school.
But, as I grew up, I stopped writing these stories. I couldn't picture myself graduating, let alone going to college or being older than 16. I never imagined "getting the guy" or being successful. This is to say, in high school, I lacked confidence. Sure, I achieved things during this period in my life that some people don't even dream of achieving, yet somehow, I didn't once think I was good enough. I drew away from my friends and into a world of makebelieve and depression. All around me I saw sorrow, and hurt. I did not long to be a part of this world of adults. The future, as Motion City Soundtrack says, freaked me out.
When it came time to graduate, I didn't know where I was going to college; all I knew was I had to go to college and I didn't want to go to a college where there would be a significant number of my classmates. I applied to NYU and Pace, but was freaked out by the price and turned down both of these offers. New York City scared me to be honest; I don't know if I ever really wanted to be onstage. By March, I realized I needed to find an alternative and my counselor suggested I attend at state college for a year and decide from there. Thus, I applied to West Chester University and, here I am today.
However, even after arriving at WCU, I couldn't see much past the present. Much like college, I didn't know where I was going in life. My angst and lack of confidence hindered me, and as I switch from major to major, friend to friend, I realized something was wrong. I was wandering off a path I had yet to find. The lights were symbolically "out," and my eyes adjusted only enough to see the obstacles.
But as I made mistakes, I also learned to forge ahead. I learned that I was capable of living on my own and supporting myself. I made my friends all on my own and for once I felt accepted. (Its horrible to think that I was probably accepted before, but was incapable of noticing it.) I had friends who wanted to hang out with me, who thought my opinions and talents did matter. I finally had a cheering section.
When I look to the future now, I don't see the same hope that middle schooler did, but I have to say I have a new form of hope. Yes, I still see the pain and suffering. I see the war with unjust causes, and I see the poverty-stricken people of America being ignored by their own government. I see the "boy of my dreams," and when he turns me down, I know there will be another "boy of my dreams" to follow. I see my friends make mistakes as I do, but know that we are all taking our own path, and each decision we make changes our sense of reality. I see possibility to change what I don't like about my life and work towards that change. And I hope that, even if just a little bit, I can help change what is wrong in the world.
I think the future has to be about hope, because otherwise its about fear. And if you fear tomorrow, what is getting you through today?
And I may not hope to be a teacher married to the cutest Asian boy in the class anymore, but my story is not finished. My dreams have changed, but the concept of future still exists, although its existence has yet come to be.
And who knows, maybe my friends will turn into animals. In my eyes, almost anything is possible.