Ready, set? Don't go.
Title: ‘Ready, set? Don’t go.’
Author: shycapri8
Length: oneshot (?)
Pairing(s): Jaesu ( a lil bit of Jaejoong centric, even though it might seem like it’s focused around Junsu)
Genre: light angst, psychological (?) I have no idea :/
Rating: g-pg
Summary: Birds are precious in their own way. They come in different varieties and all with a story behind each one. Would you treasure your own bird; have it under lock and key so they would never leave home? Or would you set them free, with the chance of them never returning, but with the slightest hope of them doing so? Going through strife, dealing with a disintegrating relationship, one must have the urge to set him/herself free, but unintentionally not knowing they have done so already, through the smallest action turned into a mistake.
So in short: Jaejoong always had taken a great interest in birds and had always wanted to know what it felt like to fly. Somehow along the way, he had met Junsu, a person who wanted to be the wind beneath Jaejoong’s wings; never once considering he himself had wings as well. Until the accident. Now Junsu finds himself in a cage with Jaejoong holding onto the key; keeping close hawk like eyes on him, not willing to let him go. With now broken wings, will they ever be able to take flight? Will there relationship ever be able to pick up on the wind once lost? Or will one of them finally be set free?
A/N: um..things written in this story are meant to be taken metaphorically… but, I apologize in advance for any confusion caused while reading this. This is my first time (I think idk) writing something like this. I also apologize for the lame summary. Summaries aren’t really my thing. Neither is vocabulary…(so excuse my lack of word usage) :/ yeah… I wouldn’t blame you if you are already confused. This is like the first time I’m writing in like over a year…been on semi-permi writers block..haha way to start 2010…uh try to enjoy? -_-
Oh and one more thing: the bird(s) in specific are never mentioned. I did that on purpose.
Okay no, wait, and another thing: the time is periodically going back and forth from past to present. excuse the spelling and grammar. and uh...this just came off the top of my head -_- my writing scukx
Warning: character death mentioned/ can be inferred.
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A paper bird is meant for display
Kept behind glass for its beauty to be contained;
Left on display, in the open.
For that purpose it is not meant to fly.
-“Junsu! What did you do?!” He scanned the cage, finding it empty. “Where is it?” He turned to the person who sat nervously in the wheel chair, averting his eyes anywhere so they wouldn’t have to meet the angry gaze of the other who just entered to find his bird gone. The small door left unlatched. Jaejoong waited for the other to answer, trying to contain his anger; keep from exploding at the other, even though he could feel himself losing it at any moment. The heat was rising up to his temples. He could feel his head burning with worry and agitation. “Junsu..” He took calm breaths, rubbing the back of his neck as to not frighten the other. “Please what happened to him?”
-“I-I thought he needed some air; being cooped up in the cage for so long..” Junsu didn’t know how to explain. Seeing the bird in the cage, looking at him with longing eyes; he couldn’t help, but emphasize with the creature. He too knew what it felt to be left inside for such an elongated period of time, waiting to be let out. But, knowing it was never possible. Knowing that he had made things this way, he didn’t want the bird to have to suffer as well. “I just thought-“
-“You have no idea what you’ve just done!” Jaejoong gritted through his tightened jaw. That bird was special. Too special. It had to be kept in a cage. It was too fragile; too delicate to be let out. Fearing the worst had become of the bird, Jaejoong grabbed his coat. “I’m going out. I think you should try to get some rest while I’m gone. There’s no need to wait up for me.” Without any further eye contact, Jaejoong slammed the door behind him, leaving Junsu to stay behind once again, staring out the window.
-“I’ve stopped waiting a long time ago Jaejoong.” Junsu uttered out through his hiccups, wiping away the wetness that covered his cheeks.
A Few Years Back
It was a routine for him. Rain or not, every late morning, he would sit in the park patiently waiting with a bag of crumbs, for them to arrive. They always came on time, flocks of them swooping down to feast on yet another good meal brought by him. He enjoyed watching them. They would even rest on his shoulders, just to show their gratitude. They were his friends. They somehow understood him.
They had just arrived that day. He was scattering the crumbs so there would be plenty for everyone to share. All until, the group flew off in fright, causing him to turn towards a male around his height, running in his direction.
-“That’s mine.” The male stated in an exasperated tone. Jaejoong just stared at the boy, not understanding what it was he seemed to claim as his own. That is until he watched the boy kneel down to pick up the deflated soccer ball that lay covered in the crumbs. “They think it’s funny to toy with my things that hold precious to me.” The male puts up some form of explanation. One he can’t seem to grasp on. What can this guy, possibly know about anything being precious; about what significance something can hold to someone? If he didn’t know any better, he would have thought this person before him was latently making a full mockery of him. “You’re here every day. Feeding the birds.” This person was now following him, being oblivious to the fact that he had left to get away from this person who reeked of nothing but annoyance. “Why?” He halted at the question. He did not have to answer to such an ignorant posed question. This mere person wouldn’t understand the least bit of why he does such things. He would never know what comfort it overflows him with. He disregarded the question as if he didn’t hear it and continued walking off, leaving the guy to gaze off in utter bewilderment.
A Few Years Back (days after the encounter)
-“Do you always come here?” He looked up to see the same person, looking down on him. “I always see you.” He invited himself to sit beside him, which left him with much uneasiness. They were at the pier. He always came here after feeding the birds at the park. This is where some of them flew to after. He enjoyed how the atmosphere felt around him and them. The breeze. The sight of them soaring about. The sound of them speaking; as if speaking to him. But, now he couldn’t even enjoy any of it half as much, with this imposer welcoming himself next to him. Not, that he had any right to tell him he wasn’t allowed to sit here with him. It was, after all, public.
-“ Do you always come here?” He sneered at the other. He was amused himself, as to why he actually answered the other at all. “I would appreciate it if you left me alo-“
-“No I don’t always come here. I said I always see you. You seem of interest-“
-“And you seem of hindrance.” He interrupted coldly. It seemed as if this person did not understand the given request. It was as if this person chose to follow him around. What could he possibly want with him?
-“I’m Junsu.” So he finally learns his name. “And I’m not leaving you alone because I’ve become drawn to you. And I want to find out what it is that attracts me to you. I know nothing about you, but that will all change eventually.” At that said, he couldn’t help, but to hold back a certain lifting of both sides of his lips.
A Few Years Back (a few weeks after the encounter)
-“So…I’m waiting…” Junsu allowed his eyes to wander around the room. Examining and taking in all the pictures that fully covered all four walls. Not one family picture. Not even a picture of the owner whose home he was now in. They were all- “Pictures of birds…” Junsu analyzed one of them, letting his finger run across the frame.
-“Don’t touch!” Junsu quickly withdrew at the command, turning to follow the other to his bed. “Don’t sit.” He told Junsu, just as he was about to seat himself on the edge. It most likely had to do with the possible fact that he didn’t want anyone to sit on the nicely pressed bed sheet imprinted with flying birds and felt like feathers. Junsu then decided to take the liberty of sitting on the floor; not before checking to see if there were any bird tiles (which to his surprise were plain white). “I like birds.” The older male spoke softly above the chirping which played on the record player. His voice light and feathery.
-“I can see that…” Junsu muttered. “But, how? Why?” The other cringed at the question. Why? Why is there such a question like that? Did there have to be a question of reason directed towards himself? Did the younger male actually want to know everything behind his fascination? “Like how did it all begin and why are you putting up this cold front? Do you even have any friends?” Questions poured out in tandem. One by one. It wouldn’t be surprising to think Junsu was programmed this way. So inquisitive and curious. He stood up to twirl the bird mobile that hung in the middle of the ceiling, watching the birds flap their wings in a slow manner.
-“Don’t touch!” He jumped up at Junsu smacking his hand away. “I had this since I was a child. You can’t replace it if you ruin it.” He whispered, looking down.
-“I can be your friend.” Junsu smiled at him. As he lifted his head, he couldn’t help to return a smile. “Wow you actually have teeth!” Junsu chuckled before being pushed out the room. “I’m joking with you! That’s what friends do!” He protested as the door slammed in his face.
A small baby bird.
Can you not hear its cry?
Cannot find its mother
Who has gone away from the nest to find dinner.
What will you do baby bird?
Will you just stay here and cry?
No, this young baby bird will find its mother.
It will jump from the nest, spread its little wings
And fly.
Childhood
-“Jaejoong?” She called out through the back door. “It’s almost time for dinner!” she waited a few seconds. Usually it didn’t take long for Jaejoong to come running in, yelling ‘yay food!’. But, for some reason it took longer this time for him to respond. “Jaejoong!” She began to grow worried. The sun was about to set and still no Jaejoong in sight. She quickly ran inside to turn off the stove. Throwing on her coat, she ran outside in search for her son. Their backyard lead into the woods; a short pathway that would soon lead to the roadway. She picked up her pace, screaming out his name in a frantic manner. Coming towards the roadway, she found his jacket by a small bush, allowing her to think he wasn’t too far away.
And he wasn’t.
There, a little bit up the road, she saw Jaejoong steadying himself and the rail side of a small bridge, with his arms stretched out. “Jaejoong!” She sped towards her son in panic.
-“Huh?” Just as he turned his head around to see his mother wailing her arms at him, he lost his balance, slipping off the rail.
Years later (after childhood memory; few months after the encounter with Junsu)
-“So that’s how you broke your arm..” Junsu stated, after hearing Jaejoong’s story. “Just what were you thinking?” Junsu brushed his fingertips along Jaejoong’s left arm, right where the scar laid.
-“I wanted to fly.” Jaejoong looked away in embarrassment, waiting to hear Junsu laugh at his reason. He turned after a long paused moment, to see Junsu facing him with seriousness all over his face. “You’re not laughing?” He asked in astonishment. Junsu shook his head slightly, bringing himself so the space between him and Jaejoong lessened. He brought a hand to Jaejoong’s cheek, cupping it lightly.
-“Why would I laugh? It’s okay to want to fly. Maybe, you weren’t able to at that time because you didn’t have enough wind…” Junsu reasoned with him, bringing his face closer to Jaejoong’s.
-“Junsu..” Jaejoong looked down, afraid to look Junsu in the eyes, not able to tell what was happening. Junsu rubbed his thumb lightly, back and forth across Jaejoong’s cheek.
-“But, you don’t have to actually ‘jump’ to fly. You can fly just by sitting.” Junsu whispered quietly. Still Jaejoong failed to see the logic in Junsu’s words. “I’ll tell you one thing though. You can’t fly by yourself alone. You’ll always need support. It won’t do you anything good if you don’t have support. Even if you have the biggest wings anyone could have. And I’ll tell you another thing. You don’t need wings to fly. All there is, is wind.” Junsu pulled back a little, grinning at Jaejoong. “And that I will be. Don’t ever fly without me Jaejoong.” Junsu kissed the tip of Jaejoong’s forehead.
Please guide me as I soar.
As I dive through air as I please.
Please don’t let me down,
For you are the wind beneath my wings.
If something were to happen,
I’d be lost in flight.
Without the wind beneath my wings
I would fall.
Few Months Before (The Accident)
-“Jaejoong. Please pick up your phone…” Junsu weaved his way through traffic, hoping he’d make it in time to get to Jaejoong. He had come home to a note on the table stating that Jaejoong had gone out to fly. Knowing that meant anything, but good, Junsu dashed out of the apartment. It was that long since the letter was left, so he figured he could catch up to Jaejoong, before he actually did anything rash.
During the ride, he thought of all the possible places where Jaejoong could have gone off to ‘fly’. Then it dawned on him. He remembered a few days before when Jaejoong showed him a flyer advertising free bungee jumping. “That has to be where Jaejoong went.” It was a well known bridge, not too far from where he now was. It had to be there.
To his luck, it was. Just before he pulled up to the area, he could see Jaejoong, hanging off the side rail, pacing himself to jump. Junsu got out of the driver’s seat, running as fast as he could to get to Jaejoong. “Jaejoong! Don’t do it!!” Jaejoong turned to see Junsu strapping himself into the harness; the instructor assisting him. “Jaejoong-“ Junsu slowly climbed over, making sure to hold on. “What are you doing?!” He yelled, realizing how high up they were.
-“I didn’t mean to not tell you. I didn’t think you’d agree-“
-“No I’m not talking about that Jaejoong!” Junsu couldn’t contain himself. He didn’t mean to yell at the other, but there was so much going through his mind right now, considering the predicament they now faced.
-“I’m sorry Junsu. Okay?” He could sense the tension in Jaejoong’s voice. “Tell me, if a man could travel to space, why can’t a man fly?”
-“There are airplanes Jaejoong-“
-“That’s not what I mean! I mean fly.” Jaejoong spat out.
-“We aren’t made to fly. Just like birds weren’t made with opposable thumbs. That isn’t the point though Jaejoong.” He sighed deeply. “I told you, there’s no way you can fly without wind.”
-“What are you talking about?”
-“I told you not to fly without me Jaejoong!” Junsu turned to see the smallest streak of clear liquid falling from the corner of his eye.
-“Are you guys ready?” The instructor called out. “3..”
-“You don’t have to do this Junsu.” Jaejoong assured him.
-“Neither do you Jaejoong. I told you, you don’t have to actually ‘jump’ in order to fly.”
“2..”
-“You don’t understand. I want to do this. I need to do this.” Jaejoong explained with much urgency in his tone.
-“Well then, in case you might not understand. I have to do this as well.” Junsu grinned sincerely at him before jumping off at ‘1’.
It turned out that there was too much wind on that day.
A Few Weeks After The Accident
-“Back home from the hospital.” Jaejoong mumbled, pushing the front door open.
-“Um…Jaejoong..” Junsu grinned sheepishly. Jaejoong mumbled an ‘I’m sorry’ before helping to wheel Junsu in. “Jaejoong are you okay?” Junsu asked with concern for the other.
-“I’m fine.” Jaejoong slammed the door to the room, without saying another word. The other hasn’t been the same since the accident and Junsu couldn’t help to think the other blamed himself for what happened. Who was to know that day would have been too windy to begin with. Who would’ve known Junsu’s cord would have entangled, causing it to snap back sharply, ending with Junsu’s head colliding with the concrete beneath the bridge.
I found you
Injured
And for that reason
I’ve put you in a safe place.
Just until you get better
And recover,
In this cage
You will remain.
I cannot let you go
For the fear of losing you.
For the fear of those same feelings I’ve felt
When I’ve seen you fall.
No you must be kept safe.
You’re meant to stay here
Where I can take care of you.
Just until you get better.
And then
Maybe then,
I’ll set you free.
-“Junsu?” Jaejoong called out softly to gain the other’s attention. He was quietly looking out the window when Jaejoong came back into the apartment. He had grown accustomed to it; waiting at home by himself most of the time. Jaejoong started to go out more often, not allowing Junsu to leave. ‘I don’t want you to go out. You’re still weak and I can’t risk you getting hurt again’, is what he told him. So he did nothing to protest, understanding how Jaejoong felt.
-“Yes?” Junsu asked, continuing to look out the window, trying to remember what it felt like to be outside; not that it’s been that long. But, it has been a while.
-“I bought you something.” Junsu turned his wheel chair to see what could be that Jaejoong had brought home. There in Jaejoong’s hand was a white cage, with the most smallest, beautiful white bird in it. “I thought you’d like it. Think of it as company I suppose..” Jaejoong bowed his head. Junsu nodded quietly as he reached to grab the cage. The bird blinked it’s beady eyes at Junsu, causing him to smile. “He’s a special bird Junsu. I got him for you because you’re special.” Jaejoong explained. Junsu nodded once more.
-“Thank you.” Junsu simply stated, appreciating the small gesture, with the small thought of just how special this bird could be.
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He doesn’t know if it could be due to the accident that caused everything to change or not. But, he does know that everything has changed. It’s become more silent each day. Each word spoken to each other began to die off little by little. Eye contact was also lost. Junsu didn’t really see Jaejoong much in the day, maybe because he went back to his routine of feeding the birds and then joining them at the pier. He only saw him in the evening, when they had dinner together in eerie silence. It had gotten to the point where the clacking of silverware gave Junsu pounding headache. And He can’t help, but know it’s because Jaejoong felt guilty.
-“Jaejoong, it isn’t your fault.” Junsu settled the fork on the plate leaving the rest of his food untouched.
-“If not mine, then whose?” Jaejoong slowly got up and excused himself. “I’m going to check on the bird.” Junsu decided to get up from his wheel chair to follow.
-“I thought the bird was mine?” Junsu inquired, peeking over Jaejoong’s shoulder to see the bird flapping its wings, chirping happily. Jaejoong’s back tensed up and by that Junsu knew the other was growing agitated.
-“Why aren’t you in your chair Junsu?”
-“I’m not crippled Jaejoong, just injured. I can walk fine!” Junsu was growing tired of being treated like this. Like a fragile being about to shatter at any moment. That’s how he felt. He suffered injury to the head, yes. And that caused him to lose some feeling in his limbs as well, but that was only temporary. There was no need for him to remain in the wheel chair, but Jaejoong insisted it was until he had fully recovered.
-“I know that Junsu. But, I just want to make sure you’re completely better. I know this is your bird, but that doesn’t mean I can’t check up on it as well.” Jaejoong sighed, turning to rest his hands on Junsu’s shoulders. “I’m trying my best here to take care of you.”
-“I think you take care of the bird more than you do of me. You just leave me here like I’m incapable.” Junsu shrugged himself out of Jaejoong’s grasp.
-“This bird is special.”
-“Aren’t all birds special to you Jaejoong? You are after all, aspiring to become one.” Junsu scoffed. It wasn’t meant to come out that way. There’s just so much bottled up right now, things are escaping out of his mouth without much thought.
-“Junsu…” His voice was low, but still audible with underlying fury.
-“Jaejoong, what do I mean to you?” Junsu imposed the question onto him. He had to know what significance he held to the older male.
-“You’re special to me Junsu. That’s why I want you the stay here, where you can’t get hurt.” Jaejoong advanced towards the other, wrapping his arms around the younger.
-“Jaejoong I’m going crazy staying in here.” Junsu rested his head against the broad chest.
-“Please.” Jaejoong pleaded. “I can’t fly without my wind.”
-“Do you want to know something Jaejoong?”
-“Huh?”
-“Even angels at some point, want to fly.” He released the held back tears, allowing them to lightly soak into the other’s shirt.
A paper bird is not meant to fly
Even with wings spread open.
For if a paper bird were to be set free
Its wings would become broken.
He’s had just about enough. There’s no more he can take and he’s so close to strangling the poor creature. All it does is make noise day and night non-stop, rustling its wings against the small bars of the cage. Junsu has grown restless because of it. To make matters worse, Jaejoong can’t stop with his devoted attention towards it. it shouldn’t come as much of a shock to him, but there’s a painstaking feeling at the pit of his stomach and it’s making him sick. It’s making him sick and he’s going to put an end to it.
-“Hi there.” Junsu waved a finger at the creature. “What’s wrong?” For some strange reason, the bird had a sorrowful expression, as if knowing something, but not being able to say anything nor doing anything about. “Do you need some air?” Junsu reached for the small lock, unlatching the door. Reaching in, he carefully grabbed the bird. “Shh..I’m going to set you free..” he told the bird as it fidgeted in his hand. He brought it the open window, petting it gently before tossing it out. “Now your free.” Junsu’s intended grunt turned into a shocked gasp as he saw the bird struggle to stay up in the air. He watched as the wings stopped struggling and the bird plummeted to the ground.
-“Junsu I’m back-“ Jaejoong paused midway, when he took notice of the cage door open.
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Not to say he felt bad for letting the bird go. He felt bad for causing Jaejoong pain. The hurt on the other’s face when he returned with the bird in his hands. Lifeless. Limp.
-“How could you?” Jaejoong gritted. Shoving his hands in Junsu’s face, forcing him to see the poor innocent creature without any breath left in it. “This bird was special to me. How could you do something like that?”
-“Special? That thing was annoying!! You did nothing, but tend to that pest of a thing!” Junsu smacked the bird out of Jaejoong’s hand. “It wouldn’t shut up. That’s all it was good for, yapping and flapping, on purpose. It did it to mock me. Every day it would shove it in my face, telling me it was better than me. Showing me how much you cared for it more than me..” Junsu tilted his head at the creature now laid on the floor.
-“Junsu what are you talking about? I took care of it so you wouldn’t have to. I wanted you to be happy. I don’t understand when you say it wouldn’t shut up. Not once had it made noise. And neither could it move. It was a display bird Junsu.” Junsu’s expression became that of perplexed. Display bird? Not real? No, there was no way. That bird was alive the moment Jaejoong brought it into the apartment. Junsu shook his head in disbelief. “It was a special made bird. Made to bring luck and peace. And you go and do this?!” Jaejoong went to pick up the bird.
-“No…” Junsu shook his head harder. “It can’t be! No!” Junsu covered his ears. “It shouldn’t have ended up this way. I only wanted for it to get fresh air…”
-“Do you think this is a joke? Is that all you feel about it?” Jaejoong was in utter disbelief. As Jaejoong made his way to the window, Junsu began to think, actually remembering that Jaejoong never really did anything, but watch over it. Not once, had he seen Jaejoong feed the bird or change the newspaper in the cage. But, Junsu still chose to believe the bird was real. “If this is how you feel then there is no point in keeping it.” Jaejoong extended his arm out the window.
-“No! don’t!” Junsu yelled, realization coming over him. His attempts too late. Jaejoong had let the bird go. “I’m sorry..” That was all left to say.
-“So am I.” Jaejoong walked off to the room, locking the door softly behind him.
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He hadn’t slept in days. Just sat by the window, thinking. Hoping. Wishing for the bird to return. He didn’t know why he had this strong feeling of it being real. That one thing Jaejoong had told him that night, came to mind. ‘That bird was special because it was you Junsu.’ Jaejoong had it made, with himself as the inspiration behind it. That at all did not help with the guilt that now laid at the base of his heart. He felt horrible. He just wished there was some way..
That was when it landed on the window sill.
Right before him, the bird stood, looking at him with those same beady eyes.
Now if only he could just catch it. No, he should show it that he in no way wants to cause it any harm. He slowly grazed his fingers along its feathers. Feeling that the bird wasn’t afraid, Junsu leaned forward, trying to grasp it in his hands. Seeing this, the bird flew off the sill. Trying to find where it could have gone, Junsu climbed onto the ledge, keeping his knees still on the sill. He stuck his head forward to see the bird on the next window sill. Telling himself he has to get the bird. For Jaejoong’s sake. The bird stared at him patiently, waiting until Junsu extended one of his arms out. That was when the bird decided to fly off, causing Junsu to lose his balance.
To let a paper bird
With broken wings fly
Without wind to lift it up,
Is unheard of.
For letting a paper bird with wings fly
Is like allowing it to take a plunge.
To fall and eventually die.
The apartment stood empty. Everything gone. Nothing, but the sound of the wind sweeping through the open windows.
He didn’t live in that apartment anymore. He couldn’t, now that he was alone. He had gotten rid of everything. They didn’t matter anymore since Junsu was now gone.
There wasn’t much left to do. Except for one thing.
He had seen it. The bird, at his window that night. And it came again today, leading him to the roof, where awaited a whole a group of them. All staring at Jaejoong. Watching him. He just had to try one more time. What hurt could it possibly cause? He had gone through enough pain. There was no room for more.
Taking a deep breath, he stepped onto the ledge. He looked down as he felt the wind blow through his hair, sending him chills of comfort. He nodded at the small white bird who stood next to him, waiting for him to take flight. And without another thought he leaped off the ledge.
It felt exhilarating. As if he was actually floating. It felt nice in a way that pacified his mind as he felt the wind beneath him. It felt like it was carrying him.
It was euphoria for a couple of seconds before he felt the wind still and he began to actually feel himself fall. Not, wanting to open his eyes, he waited for what felt like an eternity to land, remembering those words Junsu had told him.
You can’t fly by yourself alone.
You’ll always need support.
Even if you have the biggest wings anyone could have,
You can’t fly without wind.
All there is, is wind.
And that, I’ll be
Don’t ever fly without me.
But, remember this small fact:
After all
We aren’t meant to fly.