Dance Like No One Is Watching
Originally published at Skyspun.org. You can comment here or there.
Maddie chasing bubbles.
Things have been… I don’t even know what word to use, really. They have been up and down. They’ve been a challenge.
I suppose that word fits best. Challenging.
I have been neglecting this place, but mostly because I feel like the world doesn’t need another random, rambling blog. I have nothing to really offer that hasn’t already been said a million times before, and I have been an awful blog-friend to all of my favorites I used to read so regularly. I apologize for that. When I’m on the computer lately it’s either while I’m at work or checking mail. I don’t even really stay online much these days. Twitter is the only place I see to find myself these days.
My aunt is not getting any better… But that’s kind of to be expected. She’s been in the hospital twice, and the cancer has now reached her lungs, stomach, pancreas, liver and uterus. It’s only a matter of time before it spreads to the point of shutting down her vital organs. We’re not sure how much time she has… but she still doesn’t feel any pain. It’s just the fluid in her lungs that scares her. She has a catheter in her side to drain the fluid every few days. This Sunday there is a benefit dinner in her honor that some friends of the family have set up. All the proceeds go to her. There are raffles and music and a big spaghetti dinner. It’s absolutely heart-wrenching how generous and thoughtful people have been throughout all of this.
My mother and I decided last night that we are going to get a matching tattoo in honor of my aunt. It’s a play off of the tattoo I mentioned before… The quote “like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.” Except that in the leaf, it will have my aunt’s name. One of my cousin’s just recently got a tattoo in honor of her. She always signed her cards/letters “love ya” and so my cousin got a tattoo with that saying in my aunt’s handwriting. I think it’s awesome, and I really, really want to get this tattoo with my mother.
Only a few more weeks until my mother-in-law and one of my brother-in-laws make it over here from New Zealand for a few weeks. Only a few more weeks until we go to New York City for the first time. I’m trying so hard not to be terrified of this. I know it sounds so silly. It will be fun. My mother-in-law is taking me to see “Mamma Mia” on Broadway as an early birthday present.
My doctor put me on anti-depressants. They thought I may have had Lyme Disease or a thyroid problem, but after all the blood work came back fine, she was convinced it’s just my depression and anxiety making a come back. I can’t say I’m surprised… I knew it was only a matter of time before I wouldn’t have it under control anymore. I haven’t been on medication for depression or anxiety since I was a teenager. I had been doing so well. But… You know how that goes.
I realize this post makes me sound like the biggest emo princess known, but I promise you this isn’t the case. I’m actually doing quite well. The medication is helping, despite the fact that I’m not sleeping well because of it. I’m really excited to meet part of my New Zealand family - considering I’ll be married three years this December. I am able to spend a lot of quality time with my aunt before she passes, so I know I haven’t missed out on anything - and will have no regrets once she’s gone. And most importantly, it’s made me realize how important my mother (and my father) are. If anything, this whole situation has gotten my mother and I to grow even closer than we already had been as I’ve been getting older. I am so unbelievably lucky to have the relationships I do with my parents, and I can’t ever appreciate them enough for it.
So, I guess that’s all I have in me now.