[original]
title: Ouch
rating: PG-13 for a little cursing
summary: He’s sure nothing else has ever hurt quite as much as this before.
comments: Sometimes not everything I want to write can fit inside my fandoms.
wordcount: 725
“Ouch.”
He whispers the word over and over and over again, repeats it like a mantra, clutches at the sound between his teeth and tongue as if it’s the last thing that holds him to this world. He huddles around the noise against his lips, cups it with his entire being and keeps it close. It hurts. It hurts so very, very much. He’s sure nothing else has ever hurt quite as much as this before. It’s the kind of hurt that hits deep, strikes the most sensitive area of a person. The kind of hurt that just bleeds and bleeds and never quite heals. The kind of hurt that will ache and ache and ache, a constant, throbbing reminder.
It’s the kind of hurt he savours, though. Because at least he hurts. At least he hurts and knows what pain - oh god the pain - feels like. At least he knows he can feel. He’d be worried, if it didn’t hurt, if he didn’t care, if he could just get up and continue with his daily routine, nothing changed.
He doesn’t need to worry though. Oh it hurts, it definitely hurts, and there’s nothing there to stop reminding him of this fact.
‘Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but-’
It’s his fault, he thinks, all his own fault, anyway, this pain. He should have known better, he should have left well alone. He should have just not. But he didn’t. Because he couldn’t help himself. Because he was stupid, and foolish, and thought he was in love.
Apparently, all of those storybooks he was told as a child lied. Apparently life wasn’t some rose-tinted, wonderful movie. Apparently life was dirty and painful and sharp. He knew all that already, though, so there’s no excuse, really. No excuse.
“Ouch.”
He sighs, puffs the sound out of his mouth, watches it float away without a care. Of course it doesn’t care, it’s just a word, a word that doesn’t know its real meaning, doesn’t understand exactly what ‘ouch’ entails. He knows what it means though. Oh yes, he didn’t miss that lesson. He knows very, very well exactly what ‘ouch’ means.
It means right now. It means memories, memories that won’t stop playing over the movie screen inside his head, memories that he can’t turn off. It means words he can’t stop hearing, playing around and around inside his mind, a broken record, a track stuck on constant repeat. It means this, hands clenched into fists, fingers digging into his own skin, breath short and tight inside his chest and the feeling that he might just implode because he feels so fucking much and he can’t turn it off or slow the flood or even just try and forget about it for a few blessed seconds.
‘I’m sorry but I love him.’
He closes his eyes, squeezes them shut so tightly he starts to hear a ringing inside his head. That’s better than the memories though, the reminders, that track on repeat. He keeps his eyes so firmly shut, because he doesn’t want anything to escape, and he doesn’t want to cry. He can’t. He can’t.
It hurts right now, it hurts so fucking badly, but it’s only for the moment. Maybe several more days. Maybe a couple of weeks. Maybe a few months. It hurts now, and for a little bit longer, but he knows it won’t hurt forever. He knows this, but it doesn’t ease the ache inside of him, not yet.
“Ouch.”
He whispers the sound between his teeth, chases it out from his throat, and lets it slip quietly out of the room. It’s okay that he hurts right now, because at least he knows what he feels is real. At least he knows he wasn’t wrong. That it wasn’t just some thing.
And it’s okay, because as much as it hurts right now, he knows that tomorrow, when he’s washed the ache from his eyes and cleansed the pain from his skin, he’ll just get right back up again and carry on with his life. He’ll get over it, tomorrow, eventually.
So it’s okay, for him to hurt as much as he wants to, as much as he needs to, right now, today.
‘Okay. It’s…okay. Okay.’
“Ouch.”
And now he only hears the word reverberate through the silence of his mind, fading.
- end -
rating: PG-13 for a little cursing
summary: He’s sure nothing else has ever hurt quite as much as this before.
comments: Sometimes not everything I want to write can fit inside my fandoms.
wordcount: 725
“Ouch.”
He whispers the word over and over and over again, repeats it like a mantra, clutches at the sound between his teeth and tongue as if it’s the last thing that holds him to this world. He huddles around the noise against his lips, cups it with his entire being and keeps it close. It hurts. It hurts so very, very much. He’s sure nothing else has ever hurt quite as much as this before. It’s the kind of hurt that hits deep, strikes the most sensitive area of a person. The kind of hurt that just bleeds and bleeds and never quite heals. The kind of hurt that will ache and ache and ache, a constant, throbbing reminder.
It’s the kind of hurt he savours, though. Because at least he hurts. At least he hurts and knows what pain - oh god the pain - feels like. At least he knows he can feel. He’d be worried, if it didn’t hurt, if he didn’t care, if he could just get up and continue with his daily routine, nothing changed.
He doesn’t need to worry though. Oh it hurts, it definitely hurts, and there’s nothing there to stop reminding him of this fact.
‘Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but-’
It’s his fault, he thinks, all his own fault, anyway, this pain. He should have known better, he should have left well alone. He should have just not. But he didn’t. Because he couldn’t help himself. Because he was stupid, and foolish, and thought he was in love.
Apparently, all of those storybooks he was told as a child lied. Apparently life wasn’t some rose-tinted, wonderful movie. Apparently life was dirty and painful and sharp. He knew all that already, though, so there’s no excuse, really. No excuse.
“Ouch.”
He sighs, puffs the sound out of his mouth, watches it float away without a care. Of course it doesn’t care, it’s just a word, a word that doesn’t know its real meaning, doesn’t understand exactly what ‘ouch’ entails. He knows what it means though. Oh yes, he didn’t miss that lesson. He knows very, very well exactly what ‘ouch’ means.
It means right now. It means memories, memories that won’t stop playing over the movie screen inside his head, memories that he can’t turn off. It means words he can’t stop hearing, playing around and around inside his mind, a broken record, a track stuck on constant repeat. It means this, hands clenched into fists, fingers digging into his own skin, breath short and tight inside his chest and the feeling that he might just implode because he feels so fucking much and he can’t turn it off or slow the flood or even just try and forget about it for a few blessed seconds.
‘I’m sorry but I love him.’
He closes his eyes, squeezes them shut so tightly he starts to hear a ringing inside his head. That’s better than the memories though, the reminders, that track on repeat. He keeps his eyes so firmly shut, because he doesn’t want anything to escape, and he doesn’t want to cry. He can’t. He can’t.
It hurts right now, it hurts so fucking badly, but it’s only for the moment. Maybe several more days. Maybe a couple of weeks. Maybe a few months. It hurts now, and for a little bit longer, but he knows it won’t hurt forever. He knows this, but it doesn’t ease the ache inside of him, not yet.
“Ouch.”
He whispers the sound between his teeth, chases it out from his throat, and lets it slip quietly out of the room. It’s okay that he hurts right now, because at least he knows what he feels is real. At least he knows he wasn’t wrong. That it wasn’t just some thing.
And it’s okay, because as much as it hurts right now, he knows that tomorrow, when he’s washed the ache from his eyes and cleansed the pain from his skin, he’ll just get right back up again and carry on with his life. He’ll get over it, tomorrow, eventually.
So it’s okay, for him to hurt as much as he wants to, as much as he needs to, right now, today.
‘Okay. It’s…okay. Okay.’
“Ouch.”
And now he only hears the word reverberate through the silence of his mind, fading.
- end -