I think...
... this might be it. I am not 100% sure of course, as no one could possibly be. I feel like every possibly philosophy that I have ever applied to my life is coming to a head. Ever moment of personal growth. Every moment of interpersonal growth. Every moment of intrapersonal growth. Every moment of intellectual growth. Every second of struggle/strife/doubt/hope/expectation/worry is coming to a singularity in my life. One way or the other. This moment will define the years to come. The worst part is that both possible generic outcomes seem equally desirable. Does this make me a TERRIBLE person? Possibly. But does hoping for one over the other offer some sort of consolation? Some sort of valuation that I am not a horrible person in the end? Who knows. I have come to see life and society in such variable mutable terms that sometimes I feel like I have no actual ruler for which to measure my life against. Hell. Who knows anything anymore? I could deconstruct morality and life to a T if I had to. But I fear what that might bring. Not for anyone but me of course. Some days... I know I am a monster. Others, I question what that means. Still others, I delude myself to think that I might still represent some sort of possibly humanity.
No matter what... life goes on. And that truth alone is terrifying.
No matter what... life goes on. And that truth alone is terrifying.