I have felt crappy all day...
So, I suppose I jumped the gun or something, for while the weekend was one of the best I could have asked for, last night was extremely taxing and draining.
After what seemed like a couple hours of tears, I walked down to my car, and drove down Cole until it wasn't straight. There, in the dark, on the silent edge of town, I just... sat there. I didn't want to go home, and I couldn't stay at your place as much as I wanted to, so I just drove off for a while and sat. I mostly just curled up into a ball and tried to battle off the thousands of voices and thoughts in my head. After what felt like two nights worth of thinking I drifted off to sleep for about an hour and a half.
I woke up and drove home, not feeling much better for the silence, and went straight to my bed. From there, I tried to sleep, and did so in increments of about an hour to two hours at a time. So, I woke today, still feeling pretty torn up, and not feeling rested, and I began my day.
All day I have felt tired and confused. The stress from school has not helped at all, and so I find myself needing more comfort now than ever.
I need another one of your hugs. Hopefully tomorrow...
The rest of this post shall consist of my head needing to think its useless thoughts out loud, please read no further, really.
Since I can't blame you for anything, it isn't anything you did, all I have to turn to is myself, and I am so very easy to blame. I am sorry for all the things I didn't do, and for all the things I did wrong. I can only hope beyond rational thinking that someday, and I can hope some day not too far off, the truth of how much I love you will spark something within you, and remind you of what you once felt. Now I can say here, with the hope that no one reads, that there is one thing I want for Christmas, something no money could buy, and that is you. No matter how futile I know it is, I still think there is something I can do, something I could say, some gift I could get you that would remind you that you love me. The one place I find my comfort is you, and the one person I want to talk to is you, but I am afraid that I will open old wounds with each word I am dying to say. Please forgive me, because I am finding it hard to forgive myself.
After what seemed like a couple hours of tears, I walked down to my car, and drove down Cole until it wasn't straight. There, in the dark, on the silent edge of town, I just... sat there. I didn't want to go home, and I couldn't stay at your place as much as I wanted to, so I just drove off for a while and sat. I mostly just curled up into a ball and tried to battle off the thousands of voices and thoughts in my head. After what felt like two nights worth of thinking I drifted off to sleep for about an hour and a half.
I woke up and drove home, not feeling much better for the silence, and went straight to my bed. From there, I tried to sleep, and did so in increments of about an hour to two hours at a time. So, I woke today, still feeling pretty torn up, and not feeling rested, and I began my day.
All day I have felt tired and confused. The stress from school has not helped at all, and so I find myself needing more comfort now than ever.
I need another one of your hugs. Hopefully tomorrow...
The rest of this post shall consist of my head needing to think its useless thoughts out loud, please read no further, really.
Since I can't blame you for anything, it isn't anything you did, all I have to turn to is myself, and I am so very easy to blame. I am sorry for all the things I didn't do, and for all the things I did wrong. I can only hope beyond rational thinking that someday, and I can hope some day not too far off, the truth of how much I love you will spark something within you, and remind you of what you once felt. Now I can say here, with the hope that no one reads, that there is one thing I want for Christmas, something no money could buy, and that is you. No matter how futile I know it is, I still think there is something I can do, something I could say, some gift I could get you that would remind you that you love me. The one place I find my comfort is you, and the one person I want to talk to is you, but I am afraid that I will open old wounds with each word I am dying to say. Please forgive me, because I am finding it hard to forgive myself.