Stuck in the airport
** Warning - rant to follow - not targeted at anyone nor looking for any sympathy or call to action - steam is being vented at this time. You have been warned**
One of the worst feelings I've came upon recently is the feeling that, while trying to break away from your past life, you've not only not where you want to be, but you're still stuck in a transition.
That is my life right now. I've only "halfway" left home because I'm still using a relatives space and borrowing transportation - which is the only way to make my life possible in any fashion. I hate relying on people for things - I've made this pretty clear over the years I think. As much as I appreciate the sentiment behind it - I would rather be giving than receiving.
Backing up to the topic at hand - I am stuck in a transitional period, barely able to get by and feeling utterly trapped. Although I have control of my life I feel like I don't have it at all sometimes.
I'm not settled, which is why I feel like I never know if I'm staying here or going back to Indiana. It would seem so easy just to go back there but I know that I'll be happier here on my own. I barely have my bags unpacked since I arrived in January and I have too plan around two people who come and go all the time - no way to settle, to place myself in my own space. The only space I can call "my own" I'm practically allergic to for who knows what reason. I feel I am in the way and I cannot concentrate on stuff at home when people are around when I get adjusted to being by myself.
I desperately want to escape the prison that is The Ship. It almost feels like I never left here when I was interning and visiting over the summer of 07' - the situation feels all of the same and I have grown out of it now. I am willing to abandon the comfort of not having to pay for rent or having a carat my disposal - for a piece of space to call my own where I don't have to worry about such trivialities as to where to sleep to avoid allergic reactions to god knows what.
That's where the title comes from - like I'm still at the terminal where it seems like I've been in limbo since January - I haven't even left the airport yet it seems to me. Nor gotten off the plane - the journey isn't complete for me. I'm not on my own being responsible for myself.
Some of my older companions or those in more difficult living conditions might think I don't appreciate the situation I'm in, having free room and car at my disposal while having a job - Yes, these are very good things to have in a costly environment that is California - but I hope you will see it from my point of view - that which is being trapped BY those very things because I have a job that barely pays above minimum wage and no place else to go at this current time. Compounded, without a worthwhile job to move to that pays decently above minimum wage, I Would not survive outside of this set of circumstance - thus why I have not tried to make a move out of it.
I want out of this situation but Indiana is not the answer - it never has been since I arrived. Progress has been made here and to leave this area would leave me with a profound sense of defeat and destroy almost any connections I have made out here already. That I could not tolerate.
So I will continue to push forward - bide my time until a door opens for me that I find suitable and take it.
One of the worst feelings I've came upon recently is the feeling that, while trying to break away from your past life, you've not only not where you want to be, but you're still stuck in a transition.
That is my life right now. I've only "halfway" left home because I'm still using a relatives space and borrowing transportation - which is the only way to make my life possible in any fashion. I hate relying on people for things - I've made this pretty clear over the years I think. As much as I appreciate the sentiment behind it - I would rather be giving than receiving.
Backing up to the topic at hand - I am stuck in a transitional period, barely able to get by and feeling utterly trapped. Although I have control of my life I feel like I don't have it at all sometimes.
I'm not settled, which is why I feel like I never know if I'm staying here or going back to Indiana. It would seem so easy just to go back there but I know that I'll be happier here on my own. I barely have my bags unpacked since I arrived in January and I have too plan around two people who come and go all the time - no way to settle, to place myself in my own space. The only space I can call "my own" I'm practically allergic to for who knows what reason. I feel I am in the way and I cannot concentrate on stuff at home when people are around when I get adjusted to being by myself.
I desperately want to escape the prison that is The Ship. It almost feels like I never left here when I was interning and visiting over the summer of 07' - the situation feels all of the same and I have grown out of it now. I am willing to abandon the comfort of not having to pay for rent or having a carat my disposal - for a piece of space to call my own where I don't have to worry about such trivialities as to where to sleep to avoid allergic reactions to god knows what.
That's where the title comes from - like I'm still at the terminal where it seems like I've been in limbo since January - I haven't even left the airport yet it seems to me. Nor gotten off the plane - the journey isn't complete for me. I'm not on my own being responsible for myself.
Some of my older companions or those in more difficult living conditions might think I don't appreciate the situation I'm in, having free room and car at my disposal while having a job - Yes, these are very good things to have in a costly environment that is California - but I hope you will see it from my point of view - that which is being trapped BY those very things because I have a job that barely pays above minimum wage and no place else to go at this current time. Compounded, without a worthwhile job to move to that pays decently above minimum wage, I Would not survive outside of this set of circumstance - thus why I have not tried to make a move out of it.
I want out of this situation but Indiana is not the answer - it never has been since I arrived. Progress has been made here and to leave this area would leave me with a profound sense of defeat and destroy almost any connections I have made out here already. That I could not tolerate.
So I will continue to push forward - bide my time until a door opens for me that I find suitable and take it.