Moving Update
I've been back from Arizona two days, and they've been hectic. I'm sitting in my apartment right now, watching Phantom of the Opera, which I haven't watched in a while, and I'm feeling pretty happy. Gasp, shock! I know. Yes, I, Ann Luce, am feeling happy. And its not an artificial high from a binge, or an extreme high before a debilitating low. No, it is sincere happiness, something I haven't experienced in years. True, I have had happy moments with friends, but they tended to be brief and overshadowed by something more drastic. But for once, I feel like I've got it together, and I don't think it's gonna come unglued at any foreseeable point in the future.
So here's where I'm at. I am moving to Wales in 8 weeks. I leave for Houston next Thursday to say goodbye to my parents and the dogs. When I get back, my brother is taking all my furniture. Then I am moving in with my friend Robert for three weeks, and then Liz for the last three. I have three book chapters to write before I leave. I have five more Irish dancing classes I will be teaching. I'll get to babysit a bunch more and make some beaucoup dollars :-) I have packed one suitcase already and my carryon is also packed. I am doling out my belongings to my friends, which makes me happy, and I think they don't mind taking some of this shit off my hands :-P I have many more lunches with friends before I leave, and even more dinners. I am pretty confident in this move. I don't feel like I am leaving anyone behind, or that I am being deserted, which in the past has been a staple in my life. I have organized things so that staying in touch will be simple, and if my closest friends out there think I'm being vague, I am... all will be revealed in time :-)
I am excited about going to Wales. Not only is this program one of the best journalism programs in Europe, it ranked like 150 in the world :-) I am one of 15 people who will start this program in October, and I'm also the youngest. While that was a little intimidating to read in the e-mail the other day; now I am embracing it. It just means I have this fantastic opportunity to prove myself and excell like never before. And I am so excited.
As far as the other baggage, aka: Richard and the molestation, well I am doing well in both areas. Richard's one year anniversary will be one week to the day before I leave. I spent most of my 15-mile bike rides each morning in Arizona coming up with a way to remember him in a way that is loving, but also gives me some final closure and release to move on with my life. In a way, I already feel like that is happening. I am more open with my friends, and I'm more open now to even getting into another relationship. It was hard to come to that decision, but I'm ready. I'm stronger than I've ever been before, and I'm ready to embrace the world and enjoy every minute of it that I can. I'll be spending his one year, in part, by myself doing some stuff that I'd like to remain personal, but then sharing an evening dinner with Judy, our Spinnaker mom. She and I are going to take in dinner together, at the last place we both had dinner with Richard, which just happened to be PF Changs. I haven't been back since his death, nor has Judy. It's time to stop living in the past, and move on into the future. I no longer feel any regret about wanting to do that. Richard was my friend and he loved me, and we had a relationship. I know he wouldn't want me to waste my life living in the past and what was.
As far as the molestation, and coming to terms with that, well I've dealt with it. It happened. And while the flashbacks are seemingly less and less, I realize now that this is not an issue, like many of the others, that can simply be talked about and then released and moved on from. In a way it can, but it will dictate a lot in my future, and it will also end up having an impact on any relationship in which I find myself. But I've realized that as long as I take it slow, move at a pace that is comfortable for me, and trust the person I am with, and if that person understands where I am at, well all will be fine. Being molested, just like Richard's death, and so many of the other trials and tribulations from the past DO NOT have to dictate who I am, and what my life is. I am so much more than that, and it's taken a LONG time for me to realize that. These past fuck-ups, many of which I have had no control over, do not define me, nor should they.
I can't help but think of something my friend Robert said right after Richard died... I think he might have said it to Liz, and then Liz repeated it to me... I was on such an emotional rollercoaster that I don't really remember the situation surrounding the statement, but it went something like this. Robert, like Liz, and so many others just kind of rolled their eyes and went "oh shit" when Richard died, it was like, what the hell else has to happen in Ann's life? They had both just been helping me deal with the fact that I remembered being molested... anyway, Robert said something like this at that time, "Ann was starting to do so well, and she was just getting things in order..." and then Richard died, and well, all you have to do is remember my entries for the past 11 months, and well, you know how fucked up everything got... But it was that statement that I have been repeating over and over again for the last year. I was starting to do well, and I was starting to get things in order. But Richard's death, it now seems, that it had to happen for me to get to where I am today, with my life in even better order and me a lot stronger than I was. But Robert, and Liz, were both right. And that statement has just fueled me this past year, and now, FINALLY, I think I am living up to it :-)
So that's where I'm at. I'm not taking any moment for granted with my friends. I had a great night with Liz and Robert last night, the highlight of which, for me, was the push pop incident. Lots of pictures that came out great, and a memory that will surely live on.
So that's about it. Postings might become sporadic between now and Sept. 19, as my access to Internet will be spotty. But I will surely post a couple more times before my first post from the British Isles :-)
Toodles for now...
So here's where I'm at. I am moving to Wales in 8 weeks. I leave for Houston next Thursday to say goodbye to my parents and the dogs. When I get back, my brother is taking all my furniture. Then I am moving in with my friend Robert for three weeks, and then Liz for the last three. I have three book chapters to write before I leave. I have five more Irish dancing classes I will be teaching. I'll get to babysit a bunch more and make some beaucoup dollars :-) I have packed one suitcase already and my carryon is also packed. I am doling out my belongings to my friends, which makes me happy, and I think they don't mind taking some of this shit off my hands :-P I have many more lunches with friends before I leave, and even more dinners. I am pretty confident in this move. I don't feel like I am leaving anyone behind, or that I am being deserted, which in the past has been a staple in my life. I have organized things so that staying in touch will be simple, and if my closest friends out there think I'm being vague, I am... all will be revealed in time :-)
I am excited about going to Wales. Not only is this program one of the best journalism programs in Europe, it ranked like 150 in the world :-) I am one of 15 people who will start this program in October, and I'm also the youngest. While that was a little intimidating to read in the e-mail the other day; now I am embracing it. It just means I have this fantastic opportunity to prove myself and excell like never before. And I am so excited.
As far as the other baggage, aka: Richard and the molestation, well I am doing well in both areas. Richard's one year anniversary will be one week to the day before I leave. I spent most of my 15-mile bike rides each morning in Arizona coming up with a way to remember him in a way that is loving, but also gives me some final closure and release to move on with my life. In a way, I already feel like that is happening. I am more open with my friends, and I'm more open now to even getting into another relationship. It was hard to come to that decision, but I'm ready. I'm stronger than I've ever been before, and I'm ready to embrace the world and enjoy every minute of it that I can. I'll be spending his one year, in part, by myself doing some stuff that I'd like to remain personal, but then sharing an evening dinner with Judy, our Spinnaker mom. She and I are going to take in dinner together, at the last place we both had dinner with Richard, which just happened to be PF Changs. I haven't been back since his death, nor has Judy. It's time to stop living in the past, and move on into the future. I no longer feel any regret about wanting to do that. Richard was my friend and he loved me, and we had a relationship. I know he wouldn't want me to waste my life living in the past and what was.
As far as the molestation, and coming to terms with that, well I've dealt with it. It happened. And while the flashbacks are seemingly less and less, I realize now that this is not an issue, like many of the others, that can simply be talked about and then released and moved on from. In a way it can, but it will dictate a lot in my future, and it will also end up having an impact on any relationship in which I find myself. But I've realized that as long as I take it slow, move at a pace that is comfortable for me, and trust the person I am with, and if that person understands where I am at, well all will be fine. Being molested, just like Richard's death, and so many of the other trials and tribulations from the past DO NOT have to dictate who I am, and what my life is. I am so much more than that, and it's taken a LONG time for me to realize that. These past fuck-ups, many of which I have had no control over, do not define me, nor should they.
I can't help but think of something my friend Robert said right after Richard died... I think he might have said it to Liz, and then Liz repeated it to me... I was on such an emotional rollercoaster that I don't really remember the situation surrounding the statement, but it went something like this. Robert, like Liz, and so many others just kind of rolled their eyes and went "oh shit" when Richard died, it was like, what the hell else has to happen in Ann's life? They had both just been helping me deal with the fact that I remembered being molested... anyway, Robert said something like this at that time, "Ann was starting to do so well, and she was just getting things in order..." and then Richard died, and well, all you have to do is remember my entries for the past 11 months, and well, you know how fucked up everything got... But it was that statement that I have been repeating over and over again for the last year. I was starting to do well, and I was starting to get things in order. But Richard's death, it now seems, that it had to happen for me to get to where I am today, with my life in even better order and me a lot stronger than I was. But Robert, and Liz, were both right. And that statement has just fueled me this past year, and now, FINALLY, I think I am living up to it :-)
So that's where I'm at. I'm not taking any moment for granted with my friends. I had a great night with Liz and Robert last night, the highlight of which, for me, was the push pop incident. Lots of pictures that came out great, and a memory that will surely live on.
So that's about it. Postings might become sporadic between now and Sept. 19, as my access to Internet will be spotty. But I will surely post a couple more times before my first post from the British Isles :-)
Toodles for now...