Holidays: BE GONE
Well, it's Christmas Eve, 2005. It's been a ride this year. I won't say it's been a bad year because a lot of good things happened, but it has been a year that has tested my limits, pushed me farther than I ever thought it would and caused much heartache.
If anyone last January would have told me that I would switch jobs, lose weight, set boundaries with my parents, lose Richard, sell my house, plan to move to another country, be reintroduced to two of my aunts and remember the final piece to the puzzle that I like to call "Ireland: The early years" I would have said they were nuts.
This is probably one of my last entries on here. It doesn't feel like Christmas this year. It's Christmas Eve and all I can remember is a year ago. A year ago when Richard stopped by at Midnight to wish me a Merry Christmas; a year ago when we fell asleep on the couch watching "The Snowman." One year ago. This year, the whole concept of holiday's is foreign to me. I put up a tree, and well it was tough to do. I did it at Thanksgiving. It came down tonight. I opened presents tonight. I want this whole thing to be over, and yet tomorrow, I know, will be worse.
It sucks to be on your own. But yet, I can't help but think and know that nothing this year was going to do it for me. I miss him so much. Plain and simple, he was my soulmate. You don't get over that, you know? Someone who could just look at you and instantly know what was going on in your head. Someone who could just call at the time you needed them most, and just say, "I felt like you needed to chat." I can't tell you how many times that happened. I feel like a part of me is missing this Christmas Eve, and I don't know if I'll ever get it back.
Christmas used to be my holiday, a holiday that there was a ceasefire in my house. Something I looked forward to. Not so much this year. I keep wishing there was a Santa. Someone who would bring me a present that I wished for, or perform a Christmas miracle. But I haven't believed in Santa since I was 11. And the miracles stopped long ago.
I spent most of today packing and bringing junk to the dumpsters. I also spoke with Michele from SOS for nearly two hours. It felt good to talk to someone who knew exactly how I'm feeling today. Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for her, she and her husband are heading to Disney tomorrow, to forget that it's Christmas. I haven't figured out something quite that smart to do. I'm thinking of just staying in bed all day and waking up on Monday. I don't know. I'll have to make the obligatory phone calls to the family and try to be all happy... though Helen and Betty are really the only ones who don't expect me to act that way. Then I was thinking of heading up to the Spinnaker and reading the memorial board; it might make me feel Richard is still part of the day. Then I don't know, maybe a movie? I probably have to figure eating in there somehow, but what does that matter, really?
I wish the holidays were over. I wish New Years was over, ringing in the new year, knowing Richard isn't around is kind of tough. I had a great time ringing in the year with Liz last year... but I talked to Richard at like 3 in the morning. It's just knowing he's not around. I wish my birthday was gone. I wish I could just go from Jan. 19 to Jan 21, and just skip the day in between. It's not going to be the same not having him call right at midnight, to be the first one... but I guess I can gear up for that in January.
Merry Christmas to All and to All a GOODNIGHT.
If anyone last January would have told me that I would switch jobs, lose weight, set boundaries with my parents, lose Richard, sell my house, plan to move to another country, be reintroduced to two of my aunts and remember the final piece to the puzzle that I like to call "Ireland: The early years" I would have said they were nuts.
This is probably one of my last entries on here. It doesn't feel like Christmas this year. It's Christmas Eve and all I can remember is a year ago. A year ago when Richard stopped by at Midnight to wish me a Merry Christmas; a year ago when we fell asleep on the couch watching "The Snowman." One year ago. This year, the whole concept of holiday's is foreign to me. I put up a tree, and well it was tough to do. I did it at Thanksgiving. It came down tonight. I opened presents tonight. I want this whole thing to be over, and yet tomorrow, I know, will be worse.
It sucks to be on your own. But yet, I can't help but think and know that nothing this year was going to do it for me. I miss him so much. Plain and simple, he was my soulmate. You don't get over that, you know? Someone who could just look at you and instantly know what was going on in your head. Someone who could just call at the time you needed them most, and just say, "I felt like you needed to chat." I can't tell you how many times that happened. I feel like a part of me is missing this Christmas Eve, and I don't know if I'll ever get it back.
Christmas used to be my holiday, a holiday that there was a ceasefire in my house. Something I looked forward to. Not so much this year. I keep wishing there was a Santa. Someone who would bring me a present that I wished for, or perform a Christmas miracle. But I haven't believed in Santa since I was 11. And the miracles stopped long ago.
I spent most of today packing and bringing junk to the dumpsters. I also spoke with Michele from SOS for nearly two hours. It felt good to talk to someone who knew exactly how I'm feeling today. Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for her, she and her husband are heading to Disney tomorrow, to forget that it's Christmas. I haven't figured out something quite that smart to do. I'm thinking of just staying in bed all day and waking up on Monday. I don't know. I'll have to make the obligatory phone calls to the family and try to be all happy... though Helen and Betty are really the only ones who don't expect me to act that way. Then I was thinking of heading up to the Spinnaker and reading the memorial board; it might make me feel Richard is still part of the day. Then I don't know, maybe a movie? I probably have to figure eating in there somehow, but what does that matter, really?
I wish the holidays were over. I wish New Years was over, ringing in the new year, knowing Richard isn't around is kind of tough. I had a great time ringing in the year with Liz last year... but I talked to Richard at like 3 in the morning. It's just knowing he's not around. I wish my birthday was gone. I wish I could just go from Jan. 19 to Jan 21, and just skip the day in between. It's not going to be the same not having him call right at midnight, to be the first one... but I guess I can gear up for that in January.
Merry Christmas to All and to All a GOODNIGHT.