yup.
yes so the first thing im gunna say is right now, im very high. it might disgust some of you, but I'm sry.( i love u jes) now. there's a reason for why I am in this state of intoxication... ive been thinkin something bad was gunna happen for awhile now. and i guess you can say that bad finally happened. right now i don't even feel any emotion because bad things happen all of the time. She has finally decided that she would like to be just really good friends. she explained alot of things to me, why she didnt want us to be right now, but maybe later in life. She says she can't tell me not to find anyone new, but she would be fucked up inside if i was with someone else...
Her and I were never really actually. but i guess u could say things were understood. I've learned from past mistakes, who and not to give my heart to. At this point, she has my heart and I want it back. Even though she says shes gunna always be here for me, I know how reality works. I'm just waiting for it to kick in. Hopefully sooner than later it can happy.I was told by someone, being happy 24/7 isn't the human condition. I know this now. I've known it for awhile. Guess its time to face it. I know negative emotions better than I know of the happy ones. Old patterns are going to return, shit with my whole self. I been feeling it for awhile now. i wish i would just it over with. whatever it is. I've been high for a good majority of the day know it or not. That's not a real good cover up of reality anymore. Its not doing the job it's usuaully good at doing. Or making things disappear like it used to do.
i plan to get a fake from someone who looks like me the most. Lea. kinda strange im about to go that low just for a fucking ID. Either her or my cousin Christina. tomorrow i plan on goin to Utopia wit my friends from school and its a straight club, so i gotta pretend i like penis for the night. or jus take advantage of drunken white girls who act like dykes when they're drunk. i dont care right now. this is a real LOW for me. jes u know how to handle me.
right now, im not respnosible for anything im saying right now. its just crazy talk mostly.