anger/frustration

[standsolid26]

So, since Stacylyn gave me an assignment to do on anger today at bible study since I was angry, and I want to do it since I am in my spirit, this is what I was angry about. I am angry at myself for lots of reasons. One reason is the cutting thing. I know it is a bad choice to do and doesn't help anything but when I become angry it is like I am someone else and I can't see anything else other than the anger and wanting a knife. But, I usually don't tell anyone when I am struggling with this anymore because I always feel like I get reprimanded and told it is stupid when at the time that isn't what I need to hear. I am also mad at myself because I know what I need to do all of the time but can never seem to do it half of the time. I feel like my life has no purpose, meaning, or value. I am also upset about the whole antidepressant thing because I feel like no one respects my decision and everyone is upset with me for making that decision. I am frustrated to because it seems like I never know when to ask for confirmation and when to just make my own decision and everytime I do one, I find out later I was supposed to do the other one instead and that is frustrating to. I am also frustrated or angry at Corey but I am not really sure at this point why. I am still processing that one. I do know that ever since Corey stepped into leadership, I have had issues with her at one point or another. I am mad at Jesus because I don't like the way things are turning out in my life right now. I don't see how a lot of things I am dealing with right now could possibly be beneficial and good for my growth. I am frustrated with the whole moving to Port Huron/Warren or wherever thing also. I am angry at my mom to because of the conversation I had with her yesterday about testing me for bipolar and seeing Steve and things. She is mad at steve now after hearing some of what he told me and she doesn't understand how I could possibly not be angry with him anymore even after I explained why I wasn't. She might be calling him about it to but I am not sure. I am angry and wish I was better because a lot of the time I feel like people only are my friends and like me not for me but because Jesus told them to like me and be my friend so they are obligated to be my friend because they want to obey and follow Jesus. I am also angry with myself to for hiding and not being open and vulnerable with you guys to. My heart and spirit really wants to be and really wanted to be today but I just couldn't do it. It was to hard and to scary to fully put my heart out on the line because I was afraid I would be the only one out there and I can't go through that again. I am also very angry that I am allowing my issues and struggles to define me but letting them go and not having them at all or as much scares me because since I have defined myself as them for so long, I don't know who I am without them and that freaks me out. My anger also scares me so a lot of the time I either won't let it out or like while I am typing this I feel like I am just typing a book report of what is going on inside and not really feeling anything because my anger scares me so much. Well, I think this is all for now. There might be more anger in there about other things but this is all I see for now. Let me know what you think if Jesus gives you anything to tell me.
(Yes, Stacy, I didn't just say I didn't have anything:-) I through that one in just for you!!)
Love you guys!!