Constructive criticism welcome as usual. The parts I felt were a bit weird but didn't know what to do differently were: 1. the last line, or the last half of the last line which sounds a bit 'meh'. Like, it says what I want it to say - machine makes noise, no one notices (or cares) - but it doesn't sound as good as it could for a last sentence. 2. The descriptions of the actions of the characters while talking. There's a certain... charm... to the way I wrote them I guess, but they don't really sound like the way such things are normally written.
I liked it, and it made a lot of sense, as well, because in space, there are not directions, and also you have to turn the engine in another direction to move in the one you want. I know that it does not exactly work that way, but yeah. :D
2. The last phrase is a bit off. Maybe it should end with 'but neither notices'? As is, it made me wonder if there were other people around able to notice it as well. 1. Looked fine to me.
I was really enjoying this story, looking forward to the ending, etc, right up to the second-to-last sentence, and then I got all confused becuase (imo) it seemed to just ...stop, no big reveal or anything. Is it part of a longer story? I wonder if the last sententance could even be omitted entirely, perhaps? It seems a strong ending that maybe Mark has got through the process himself, but then what's the purpose of drawing the attention back to the machine? What's the purpose of the machine whirring and clicking?, and the fact it's specifically said that noone notices it suggests that it is significant, but why?
I hope I haven't been too harsh, because I didn't mean to be harsh. The rest of the piece was brilliant; like I say, I just left it feeling a little confused, sorry :/
you can ignore the dashes and then it is just like a normal book, but I think that is even harder to work out who is talking when? I usually have this trouble with conversations when reading. I couldn't use spaces or tabs because it didn't break the lines in the same places in the preview and final view so the gaps ended up halfway through the lines. maybe there's an html paragraph indent command mark-up I can use.
I think this concept is fascinating, and your dialogue rings true to the characters. Something that might help you feel more like the dialogue is easy to follow might be if each guy had his own voice that was distinct...but they're clearly from the same class and age group, so maybe that's not the most helpful suggestion :) There's a couple of places where you switch tenses (John slammed, Mark pushes).
I'm very curious to know more about how Mark knows all this! And I found it a really believable piece about a fantastic concept.
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1. the last line, or the last half of the last line which sounds a bit 'meh'. Like, it says what I want it to say - machine makes noise, no one notices (or cares) - but it doesn't sound as good as it could for a last sentence.
2. The descriptions of the actions of the characters while talking. There's a certain... charm... to the way I wrote them I guess, but they don't really sound like the way such things are normally written.
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2. The last phrase is a bit off. Maybe it should end with 'but neither notices'? As is, it made me wonder if there were other people around able to notice it as well.
1. Looked fine to me.
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I hope I haven't been too harsh, because I didn't mean to be harsh. The rest of the piece was brilliant; like I say, I just left it feeling a little confused, sorry :/
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I couldn't use spaces or tabs because it didn't break the lines in the same places in the preview and final view so the gaps ended up halfway through the lines. maybe there's an html paragraph indent command mark-up I can use.
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I'm very curious to know more about how Mark knows all this! And I found it a really believable piece about a fantastic concept.
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Well done.
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