longer porn battle piece #2
Shadows, RPF, Aly/AJ, beauty, forbidden
who do i want to be/do i want to throw away the key/and invent a whole new me?
Living in a gated community has it's challenges.
Everyone they have over - friends, acquaintances or well wishers - gets the third degree from the guards, and there's no way to get them in if they don't have licenses or bar-coded ID. It's inconvenient. Inside, it's like a microcosm or something else you learn about in home school science. Everyone knows them.
It's comforting, special, almost, to live in a community that cares about them, streets with no names and occupants that wave when they walk past. Their parents throw a party for every milestone in their lives and invite them all. It's something they know they're lucky to have.
But sometimes there's this stupid fear that bubbles up from her stomach telling her that everyone knows. Every glance, every wave she gets from their neighbors only makes it worse. There's no way to escape. They're locked inside, trapped, and it makes her feel alone. That's when she finds herself falling back into old habits, sleeping in her sister's room, and praying for the early morning when they pack their suitcases and make their way out the gates before anyone inside has opened their eyes.
She's alone in this. That's what she thinks, anyway, maybe even hopes. But that morning she looks over and sees her sister's hands, pale white as they grip onto the handle of her carry-on bag. They don't release themselves for the entire ride. She looks at her, and that's when she knows that her sister feels it too.
Out the window, the sun comes up. She tries to watch it, but buildings jut in front of it as they reach the city, and by the time they clear, it's already gone.
~~~
trying to find yourself/feel like a doll left on a shelf/will someone take you down?
They'll talk about anything else besides God.
It's something personal anyway - they've told a thousand interviewers their thoughts on how religion should be everyone's own personal thing, but never each other. She wonders why sometimes. Maybe it's because it's something they don't need to say, or because they don't want to know how different they are. Maybe because sometimes it gets in the way. She hates that she thinks that. Religion is meant to be the way she lives her life but sometimes it separates her from the things she really wants. Things the old book says she's not supposed to ever want.
It's more innocent than anything else she's ever felt. It's almost childlike, the way she's hesitant, the way they forget whose body is whose after a while because they're so alike, so similar. Sometimes if she closes her eyes she can pretend it's just her alone and no one else is there, as if that makes it okay. But it doesn't. Her sister is there, with her, light fingers trailing curiously over her side, her touches too light, and she's about to move her hand when -
A sharp knock raps on the door.
It's her mother waking them up. It's morning, and her sheets are in disarray, and nothing happened. It was just a dream of some kind. Someone once told her dreams were a reflection of the subconscious, and she doesn't believe it's true even though this isn't the first time.
She goes back and forth. Sometimes she thinks she deserves to be punished for this, to be locked up somewhere in this life or in whatever is after, and have the key thrown away. This is not acting. This is not just a part of the business or even normal or healthy. No justification can explain it away.
There's no way to explain how she thinks of her sister sometimes, a clear picture in her head of her lying limber, breathing heavily, gasping tiny sounds into the air. The way she lies there and thinks about it, swallowing, listening to her heart beat increasing and moving her hand slowly down her body, is probably unforgivable.
She'll atone for it somehow. They reach out to kids through charity work, they play benefit concerts, teenage philanthropists. And if they're lucky, God and everyone else will one day forgive them.
~~~
your life plays out on the shadows of the wall/you turn the light on to erase it all
They can't escape it forever. It happens.
She's so beautiful like this, she thinks, something pure and statuesque. She can understand why the boys look at her the way they do now that she's like this, long and pale and waiting. Suddenly everything she imagined is happening at once. She can touch as much as she wants and she does, trailing her hands up and down, dipping them into the curve below her breast and up on to it. She has to bite her lip not to make a sound. It's all something new to her, each chemical reaction, the way she arches her back so slightly, the way her hands grip and leave little marks. They do it for a long time until she's aching, knowing that when her sister leaves all she'll have to do is lie down and surely one touch later she'll be gone.
She wonders if she's not doing enough, if she's horrible at it and it's her fault, but it's actually her sister holding back, biting her lip hard, because if neither of them tip over the edge they can say it was nothing. But she knows it's something no one can really control. In fact, she's the one who pulls away, sitting back, trying to catch her breath. Her sister looks up. Her chest moves so quickly, it's beautiful.
"It's okay," she breathes, even though it isn't. "It's okay."
And before she knows what she's doing, she's leaning forward again, tracing her body with her tongue until she isn't sure who is who, until her sister gasps and writhes and grabs her and- that's it. It's over for her. She tries to chase all the same feelings away from herself, but it doesn't work. A minute later her sister leans forward and then she's coming too, hard, the very thing that kept her from this for so long. It's not right is what runs through her head as it happens, making it all the more sweet.
It shouldn't. It's not right.
~~~
trying to find myself/feel like a guitar that's never played/will someone strum away?
They decide to sing separate songs on the new album.
Her sister says it's good to be a little bit separate, to not sing in harmony all the time, to allow people to differentiate. She wonders what she really means. It's tough enough to feel the way she does without the music industry interfering. She thinks of those ever-increasing nights when they're alone and tangled up, one of them blending into the other, and finds herself looking over at her in the daylight. She wonders exactly why they have to be so different.
In the studio, the songs come together easily, even the ones that don't involve her. She feels more okay with the separation each day. But there are still times when her sister rushes out of the booth to grab her by the wrist and pull her inside to sing with her. Their voices harmonize and connect, blending perfectly. It's good to know something will always stay the same.
The dynamic changes after a while. They're away from the community more and more and she thinks they're somehow becoming more comfortable with it all, if that was possible. She thinks it could be. They go to awards shows and her sister puts her arm around her waist, they take hundreds of pictures of the two of them in bathrobes, her head in her lap, lying around happily. And every once in a while there's a certain feel in the air. She looks over at her sister and sees the girl who sings with her, who knows everything she does, who bitches about Mum and Dad and helps her sweet-talk the guards into letting them out the gates at night. It doesn't matter what else they do. They're not risking anything. They're sisters, always, nothing even daring to have the power to change that. They'll be connected by that for the rest of their little lives.
It's scary to think that, and a little exciting. It's their own twisted version of til death do us part. She hopes that wherever they end up they'll be together just for fun, and won't be punished too badly for their indulgences, for things they couldn't really control.
Her sister looks over at her from the window seat and smiles, her hand relaxed on the handle of her carry-on bag. She reaches over and puts it on the floor for her, and rests her head on her sister's shoulder.
They finally get to see the sun rise.
fin.