clinical studies: the effect of diet coke on your child.
the other night was the luminaria. those of you who do not live in the riverside avondale area might be unfamiliar with this tradition. well it dates way back to the 1800's when people didn't have electricity and the only source of light was fire. people would put candles in lunch bags so that other people could read at night. or maybe it dates back to the great depression when all people could afford to eat for lunch was a candle and some dirt. who knows? well after electricity came, people didn't need the lit up lunch bags any more but since most of the people in riverside avondale were already pretty old in the depression and, as everyone knows, old people have trouble adjusting to change such as to the increase of speed limits to over 25 mph, they decided to keep the bags around and as civilization muddled forward eventually the bagged light nights wained back to just one night of the year, and some how some one thought that if you put it by christmas i would be cool so alas a tradition was born.
well the effect of the several bagged lights is kinda pleasing and a little romantic so i thought i would take my girl friend out for a ride to see the billion bag march. maybe i would get some action. i slowly made my way to the avondale strip that turns the night of the luminaria into a big party. lots of stuff going on and all. it was a lot of fun. we looked at lights, listened to carols, discussed the socialist party of germany in the 50s and its effects on u.s. trade economics, you know the usual good time. however the good times where about to come to an abrupt end. THWACK! a peppermint flew into the door of my car a 100 mph. denting the door panel. well not that hard but close. i looked around for the source of the peppermint... my mind was a flurry of thoughts. was cal ripken using my car as a target, were christmas elves going peppermint postal. no! my eyes beheld a caffeinated hyper active child who looked like he was about to burst from too much sugar-ietis. i felt bad for his parents but at the same time happy for them as i realized that they might be raising the next all star major league pitcher. i pushed it out of my mind which a thought of "kids will be kids." and moved on through the magical night of christmas spirit. however that was not the last time my car would be under assault from kids with poor supervision. it happened repeatedly. it seemed every time i passed a flat bed trailer was struggle to stay alive. i was reminded of old maritime battles with enemy ships flanking each other and delivering canon payloads into the sides of the other boat. it was ugly. and as the attacks continued my bloodlust for vengence grew and grew until i could contain it no further. in the distance i saw a drive by masked as an innocent hayride sling hard candy into the side of a camry. i saw my opportunity and knew that vengeance was mine. oh yess, blood would flow to night. (excuse me while i wipe my salivating mouth.)i looked around the car quickly for a weapon knowing that the time for action was growing near. a gun, bayonet, light saber anything. there was nothing. dissapointment crept over my soul as it seemed my mission was lost. but no! i would not be defeated. i felt my hands shaking and my mouth go dry... ahhh! yes! my big gulp! not as effective as i would like or as capable of the beating these brats deserved as would like but it would have to do. i grabbed the 32 oz. cup of diet coke and removed the lid. by now the trailor was right on top of me and i could see the whites of my enemies eyes. the time to act was now. splash! in one fluid movement the cup was out of the window and guided by my hand moved in a sweeping motion delivering a sticky cold blast to the entire length of the hayride. kids shrieked and darted around to avoid the attack but there was no escape from my carbonated clutches. payback. needless to say, not a single piece of candy flew towards my car for the remainder of the night. i drove away leaving the kids wet and cold in the night and watched the lighted bags fade into the dark in my review mirror.
let this tale be a wake up call to those of you who feel that you just have to endure the attacks of those caffinated sugar infused children that you may encounter this holiday season. diet coke. it does the trick.
speaking of diet coke, though it may be the solution hopeless boys and girls, it is not the choice you should make when trying to quench your thirst. you will only allow yourself to be manipulated by the corporate evils that rule this country. yes, diet coke has no sugar, no fat, no calories and let's be honest, taste pretty good to boot. however if you look at the ingredients you will notice it has a large amount of sodium, which is a diuretic which makes a person retain water and stay thirsty. so what do you do? you grab another diet coke and thus the cycle is set into motion and they own you. red pill anyone?
that's all i got.
tune in next time.
p.s. i love liz!!!! grrr!
well the effect of the several bagged lights is kinda pleasing and a little romantic so i thought i would take my girl friend out for a ride to see the billion bag march. maybe i would get some action. i slowly made my way to the avondale strip that turns the night of the luminaria into a big party. lots of stuff going on and all. it was a lot of fun. we looked at lights, listened to carols, discussed the socialist party of germany in the 50s and its effects on u.s. trade economics, you know the usual good time. however the good times where about to come to an abrupt end. THWACK! a peppermint flew into the door of my car a 100 mph. denting the door panel. well not that hard but close. i looked around for the source of the peppermint... my mind was a flurry of thoughts. was cal ripken using my car as a target, were christmas elves going peppermint postal. no! my eyes beheld a caffeinated hyper active child who looked like he was about to burst from too much sugar-ietis. i felt bad for his parents but at the same time happy for them as i realized that they might be raising the next all star major league pitcher. i pushed it out of my mind which a thought of "kids will be kids." and moved on through the magical night of christmas spirit. however that was not the last time my car would be under assault from kids with poor supervision. it happened repeatedly. it seemed every time i passed a flat bed trailer was struggle to stay alive. i was reminded of old maritime battles with enemy ships flanking each other and delivering canon payloads into the sides of the other boat. it was ugly. and as the attacks continued my bloodlust for vengence grew and grew until i could contain it no further. in the distance i saw a drive by masked as an innocent hayride sling hard candy into the side of a camry. i saw my opportunity and knew that vengeance was mine. oh yess, blood would flow to night. (excuse me while i wipe my salivating mouth.)i looked around the car quickly for a weapon knowing that the time for action was growing near. a gun, bayonet, light saber anything. there was nothing. dissapointment crept over my soul as it seemed my mission was lost. but no! i would not be defeated. i felt my hands shaking and my mouth go dry... ahhh! yes! my big gulp! not as effective as i would like or as capable of the beating these brats deserved as would like but it would have to do. i grabbed the 32 oz. cup of diet coke and removed the lid. by now the trailor was right on top of me and i could see the whites of my enemies eyes. the time to act was now. splash! in one fluid movement the cup was out of the window and guided by my hand moved in a sweeping motion delivering a sticky cold blast to the entire length of the hayride. kids shrieked and darted around to avoid the attack but there was no escape from my carbonated clutches. payback. needless to say, not a single piece of candy flew towards my car for the remainder of the night. i drove away leaving the kids wet and cold in the night and watched the lighted bags fade into the dark in my review mirror.
let this tale be a wake up call to those of you who feel that you just have to endure the attacks of those caffinated sugar infused children that you may encounter this holiday season. diet coke. it does the trick.
speaking of diet coke, though it may be the solution hopeless boys and girls, it is not the choice you should make when trying to quench your thirst. you will only allow yourself to be manipulated by the corporate evils that rule this country. yes, diet coke has no sugar, no fat, no calories and let's be honest, taste pretty good to boot. however if you look at the ingredients you will notice it has a large amount of sodium, which is a diuretic which makes a person retain water and stay thirsty. so what do you do? you grab another diet coke and thus the cycle is set into motion and they own you. red pill anyone?
that's all i got.
tune in next time.
p.s. i love liz!!!! grrr!