Chances are... (Chapter 1, Part 2)
Originally posted by izzylicious1013 at Chances are... (Chapter 1, Part 2)
Here we go with part 2 of chapter 1!
Hope you enjoy! I think we are still stuck in NC-17 rating :-D What can I say...
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
“CUT!”
Breathing heavily I try to stabilize myself as he loosens his hold on me. I really thought we could do it this time. I really thought we could do it. My lips feel swollen, my body set on fire. As I look Nathan in the eyes he smiles and whispers a soft “sorry” no one else can hear. It sends tingles up and down my spine. What on earth is he doing to me?
Actually I was looking forward to finally shoot this scene. After 4 years Beckett and Castle would get what they wanted for so long. They’d finally be together and start a whole new chapter in their lives. Together.
The first few scenes were easy. A walk in the park actually as we knew exactly how we wanted it to be. What to do, how to look, when to touch. Rob knew he wouldn’t have to be much of a director here. He just asked us to please stick to the lines and then go with the flow. And we did. We delivered the lines and went with the flow.
Now this. The infamous “door scene”. We did practice at his place the previous evening. We talked about what we could do to make it look real and feel right for the audience. I wasn’t scared. We trust each other and through the years we came to know the other one so well we could tell by one look if things were ok or not. After all it was quite a scene. One you can never get through without trust. We were excited, making jokes about just making out in front of everyone’s eyes without them noticing - because after all we had too. Castle and Beckett had to. And to be honest, every now and then we did make out. Just for fun. To figure out how our characters would do certain things. I don’t know at which point I started to enjoy the feeling of his hands on my back, on my face. His lips touching mine, his scent filling my senses. The warmth of his strong body.
But right now I AM scared. Not of him or of acting miserably. I’m scared I’m going to give myself away. Moaning a shade too loud, breathing too heavy, letting him know I do notice the bulge in his pants; the desire washing through my body. Telling him that way just how badly I’d want to move this somewhere else. But we don’t do these things. We are friends, partners, co-workers. Professional ones. So we for sure don’t do these things.
Professional, that’s the word. Keep thinking of that, Stana.
“Let’s take it from the moment before you push her back to the door, yes Nate? Stana?”
I didn’t notice we were still keeping eye contact. At the same time we raise our thumbs to Rob saying “Sure thing!”
Which involuntarily makes everyone laugh.
He’s the first one to let go and move back to his mark. Immediately I miss him. I stretch my muscles a little, trying to make them stop pulsating, inhaling fresh air deeply various times and shakily walk to spot I’m supposed to stand in.
With unsteady fingers I close the button of my blouse he opened before to reveal the scar on my chest - Beckett’s chest. The only not improvised part that scene had to include: Castle touching Beckett’s scar. Again I start shivering. His hand reaches out to touch my face. “We’ll make it this time”, he says, winking at me. I smile up at him, nod and bite my lips.
“Ok guys… here we go. And ACTION!”
A fake lightning brightens the barely lit room and within the blink of an eye he crushes me against the door again. I’m trying to think of little white fluffy sheep while his lips are on mine, moving down my throat, kissing, licking. This always worked in the past.
Little fluffy sheep running around on a field.
I wrap my arms around him to make him step even closer. As his head is tilted away from the camera, covered by mine, he starts biting my neck. His hands roaming over my body and I so badly would want him to touch my skin. I think I just started moaning again. I hold my breath for a second.
Fluffy sheep.
His lower body is pressing into mine and his hands are almost clawing on my clothes. I can hear him breathe into my ear; I can feel him getting harder. Ok, that for sure was the last picture I needed right now. I can feel the heat rushing down to my lower body and I arch against him.
Goddamn it, sheep.
As his mouth covers mine again and thrusts against me I can hear him moan. Or was it me? As if his longing was getting unbearable too one of his hands comes to the front and covers my breasts, starts to kneed it. And I’m gone. Lost in time and space. My head falls back to the door and then…
“CUT!”
We both freeze, his hand still staying on my breast, my head resting on the door.
“I know we agreed on freestyle but people… this is a TV-show! Anything else than PG-rated won’t get aired!” Rob laughs.
But neither Nathan nor me laugh along. For a long moment we stand there, unwilling to move. As I manage to make my head move forward, looking at him, I notice his eyes are close, his breathing uneven. He’s biting the inside of his cheeks as if he was trying to make himself calm down. Is he angry? Did I do something wrong? He probably is mad at me for screwing this one up again. I let my hands drop off his shoulder and force a smile. “Next try?” I whisper. I can already tell walking back to the mark this time will be even harder than the last. This burning need inside is even making it impossible to stand still, not touch him. His hands fall to his sides and he shakes his head. As he opens his eyes and looks at me he looks different. His eyes were dark, filled with something I never saw on him before.
“No…. I… need a break.” Even before he has finished his sentence he took three huge steps back. “Let’s take a break and then try again?” He calls out to Rob who just looks at him, nodding.
“30 mins peeps! Then we’ll get this done!” Rob get’s up from his chair.
“Yeah, and a cold shower for Castle!”
Nathan always tries to make everyone laugh. And they do. Everyone laughs but me. I can tell it wasn’t a joke. But even before I get the chance to ask what’s wrong he is gone. I stand there for what seems like minutes trying to understand what just had happened.
“Is he ok?” A familiar voice makes me snap back to reality. Rob looks at me with his hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah! I mean…” My voice sounds way too high as if someone caught me doing something forbidden. I cough slightly. “I mean I don’t know. I’ll go check.” Yes, that sounded better.
Without even waiting for an answer I start walking off the set.
What the heck did just happen? It’s not like we never kissed before. We did. Actually we did a lot of times by now. We tend to flirt - of course as Castle and Beckett - and every now and then we do steal little kisses from one another. No biggy. Of course. It was just for… research. I mean what would our two characters do IF they were together, right? Method acting I would call it. Nothing else.
I don’t quite understand how come I walk to his trailer so fast it almost feels like flying. But when I reach the door and knock I suddenly can feel another heat wave rushing down between my legs.
“Get a hold on yourself, girl!” I tell myself as I knock again.
Still no answer.
As I knock the third time, louder now, I call out his name.
Nothing.
“Nate, come on! I know you are there! It’s me, open up!” I’m starting to get nervous. Maybe he left to get some coffee or… anything else. Maybe he just ran away.
Suddenly I can hear footsteps behind the door, then a long pause. Finally he sticks his head out. “Stana, not now. I need to be alone for… a moment ok? I’ll be right back.”
Is he shirtless? My mouth starts to feel dry. “The cold shower, huh?” I try to smile but he drops his gaze. “Look, I was just wondering if you are ok. You left so fast.”
“Yeah, sure. I just need a moment and I’ll be all up and kickin’ in some mins!” He’s trying to sound normal but there for sure is something else going on.
“Talk to me, Nate.” I say and reach out to touch his face as I always do when something is bothering him. He takes a step back.
“Please, don’t. Not right now.” He is about to close the door but without being asked I take a step forward, enter his trailer and stop behind him.
Yes, he really is without a shirt. I can’t help but let my eyes wonder of his bare shoulders, his back, down to his ass. Geez, am I just really checking out his behind? My mouth drops open and I notice how my tongue is darting out to moisture my lips. He closes the door but doesn’t turn around. He just stands there. And again my eyes start their journey over his back. My hand suddenly reaches out to touch it. I can feel him shiver under my touch. So warm.
“Talk to me.” I’m not sure he heard what I was saying as he still doesn’t move. I can feel the heat radiating from his body, making my hand feel like I just touched the hot stove.
“I don’t know how to do this”, he answers as he takes a deep breath.
“Do what?”
“This. Us. I don’t know anymore how to handle it. We are friends, right?” As if he was waiting for me to reassure him of that fact he pauses.
“Of course” I say without thinking.
He turns around and I’m getting caught in the darkest blue eyes I have ever seen. I can’t look away as my heart starts racing. “See? That’s the problem.”
What problem, I want to ask but right now I can neither talk nor think. He’s so close, so warm so… sexy. All I would want to do is reach out and kiss him.
“I want you.” He quotes the words I said to him, his character, some hours ago. I gasp. “But… I just need to take a cold shower right...”
I don’t let him finish. I close the distance between us and kiss him without hesitation. I can feel his erection pressing into me as our bodies finally touch. No man in this universe should feel this good. My tongue softly touches his lips waiting for him to open his mouth. But instead of doing so he draws back and stares into my eyes. “What if I tell you I want you too?”
He draws in a sharp breath and I’m awaiting a comment or him making me leave. With one swift move he closes the distance between us, taking me into his strong arms, crushing me to his body. He kisses me with a passion I have never experienced before in all my life. I can feel the muscles in his back move as he tightens his arms around me.
My hands, obviously having a life of their own, wander down his body, to the button of his pants. “Wait”, he breathes between moans and gasps. I so badly would want this. I so badly want him.
“Let me help you.” By moving even close to him I make him take a step back until he hits the trailer wall behind us. As I look up to him I can’t help but smile. “Change of position…” I raise an eyebrow, studying his expression for a moment. It looks like he would want to laugh but doesn’t dare. Maybe he thinks if he laughs too loud he will wake up and I’m gone. I lean in to kiss him again. Hungry. As my lips leave his, my tongue starts trailing down the bare skin of his chest, biting, nipping. I feel him shudder under my touch. I continue my journey down, knowing I actually don’t have as much time for this as I would want to have. But it will have to do for now.
I kneel down in front of him and feel his body tighten under my fingertips as I softly touch him through his pants. Moans leaving his mouth somehow telling me to please stop teasing. But he doesn’t say it out loud. Looking up I notice his eyes are closed and his hands seem to be looking for support by trying to cling down the wall.
“Do you want to touch me?”
“Badly”, is all he answers before I can’t resist running my fingertips over him again, making him groan.
“Badly…” he repeats. That’s all I need to hear. Quickly I undo the button that is keeping me from finally being able to feel him, see him. I slowly pull down the zipper, making sure he feels every millimeter.
“God, you are a tease!” He’s looking down on me now, more confident, smiling, and all I can do is smile back, biting my lip as I so often do.
As I finally free his throbbing erection by pulling down his pants and briefs I find myself starring at him for a moment.
“Does that mean you like what you see or….”
Every now and then I caught myself thinking of how he might look naked. But I may say I wasn’t really expecting this. I could tell he wouldn’t be small but this was a little unexpected. “A lot”, I answer before I go back to what I actually was planning on doing for such a long time now. I close my lips around him, trying to take in as much as possible, closing my hand around the rest.
A loud moan is filling the room. I never really was the kind of girl that likes to give blowjobs… in fact it never gave me any pleasure. But this I have to admit is a completely new sensational feeling. It IS turning me on. A lot… if it is even possible to get turned on more.
As I swirl my tongue around his tip he makes the most delighted noises I have ever heard coming from a guy and I take a mental note - memorizing it.
I don’t know for how long I have been keeping the procedure of licking, sucking and stroking up - probably just a few seconds… way too short if u ask me… but suddenly I can feel his hands pulling at my hair, trying to make me break contact.
“Let go… can’t…”
I start grinning. As if… I increase the hold I have on him, suck just a little harder, making sure he knows I’m far away from letting him go.
A second later I find myself doing something else I never did before… with a loud moan that almost sounds like the howl of a lonely wolf in a cold arctic night I can feel how an orgasm is running through his whole body - and I swallow everything he has to give.
His knees start shaking as I lick him clean and start pulling his pants back up.
“Interesting. New, interesting, but me likes - shall improve.” I feel a mischievous grin spreading all over my face. With a loud laugh he pulls me into a standing position, crushes his lips to mine and draws me in for a long passionate kiss. “We should head back” I say the second he lets go and I can breathe again.
“Mhm” is all he says while he is busy placing butterfly kisses down my neckline, roaming his hands over my body and walking us backwards.
“Like for real…”
“Mhm…”
I gasp as the back of my legs touch the edge of the small couch and I can feel my pants sliding down my legs. Wow, how come I didn’t notice him doing that?!
With a slight push back he makes me sit down. “Just wondering if you enjoyed that scene as much as I did… and would need a little hand to assist as well…” He waggles his eyebrows and makes me laugh. And then moan the very second I can feel his hot breath on my skin, his hair tickling the inside of my thighs.
“So you have been like this all day too, eh?” I can’t answer. My head is falling back, eyes closed, as I can feel his tongue on my heated flesh.
It is useless to hang on to any kind of sanity or the thought of “not yet, too soon”… his tongue is driving me crazy, making me want to explode, unable to think. With all the built up passion that was there for what felt like hours now it just took him a millisecond to make me come. Hard. Wave after wave rushing through me, making me float and hum and scream.
My eyes still closed enjoying the aftermath rippling through my stomach I feel him sitting down next to me. I let my head fall onto his shoulder and smile.
“You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. And really tasty I may add”, he says when resting his cheek on my head.
“Same.” I’m still trying to go back to normal breathing.
“Best 'shower' ever.”
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
That night was the beginning of… I don’t even have words to describe it. Something I thought was real. Something that could have worked out, I thought. Well, in the beginning it actually didn’t feel like more than relieving some tension with your best friend. We kept our other relationships going but always ended up making out, enjoying each other’s naked bodies. Enjoying the closeness we felt when making love. But neither of us dared taking any further action. It was ok for almost a year and a half. We had our own lives… feeling truly free when finally being able to be together again. Even if it was just for some hours, some nights.
But we never stayed over.
Never shared a breakfast together, waking up in each other’s arms. And for the time being even that was ok. There always was a certain distance. A professional distance.
Countless times there was this awkward silence between us. For a moment I thought he would say “I love you” and I would have said “I love you too”. Because I did. Not that I would have ever say that out loud. Especially not now. Not after I made that horrible mistake. I stayed overnight.
In the morning when I overheard him talking on the phone the falling ended - and I hit the ground.
If I wouldn’t have we probably still would be living our two lives. The normal professional “we are friends and get along VERY well” one and the wonderful secret dream we shared - just the two of us. A dream I never wanted to wake from.
It was good. It was pure bliss. But as all dreams this one ended.
I take a deep breath and when I feel the tears finally subsiding I open my eyes again. They widen in shock as I see a well-known silhouette standing mere meters away from me.
Ground swallow me. Not now please. Why does he always have to appear in moments where I’m so vulnerable all I can do is cry when he makes one of his comments?
“Can we please talk?” His voice sounds warm and caring. A tone I haven’t heard in a century.
“Fuck off.” I get up from the couch and suddenly have this urge to run back to the party.
“Katic you will listen to me now! This might be the last chance I get!” He takes a step towards me and out of an instinct I move to the other side.
“I said fuck off. There is nothing I have to talk about. Especially not to you.” He’s blocking my way again, standing dangerously close now.
“Get out of my way!” I’m sure I don’t sound quite as convincing as I’d want to. But that very moment I could care less. All I want right now is to get away from him. Out of his reach, out of his sight out of his… everything. Just away.
“No.” His voice is low and dangerous.
“Fine.” He could have his way then. Mister “I’m too proud to care about anyone else but me” could just keep standing there, have things happen his way once more.
I take a step towards the end of the fake wall, my exit, but within the blink of an eye he his blocking my path again. I look up to him. The sandals I’m wearing are making our size difference obvious. Suddenly I’m feeling very small though I know I’m anything but short. “Don’t u dare…”
I feel the need to slap him, tell him all the things I kept inside for so long. Hurtful, mean things. Tell him what an asshole I think he is, how badly he hurt me, how he broke my heart. But I can’t.
“Get. Out. Of. My. Way.” is the only thing I manage to say. If looks could kill he would drop dead this very moment. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t fall to the floor, feeling all the pain I felt these past years. He just stands there, unmoving. His eyes telling me to just go for what I’m thinking. Hurt him. For a long and never ending moment I stare at him. Like a wounded animal trapped between a predator and a wall. I don’t dare breaking eye contact. A century ago I was sure he’d never hurt me. He was my best friend, my lover, my everything. But right now I’m not sure anymore what he is. An ex co-Worker? A hurt ex lover? I let out a sigh. Something ex for sure.
His normally smooth and kind expression that kept making funny faces to make me laugh during long days at the set is gone. He looks older, angry, bitter somehow. His crystal clear blue eyes that always reminded me of an endless ocean look… dark. The blue watery depths are filled with the first signs of a heavy thunderstorm. A thunderstorm about to break lose. I’m almost sure I can smell alcohol on him. Well, after all it was a farewell party. And if he doesn’t want to be here as much as I do then he for sure drank enough. That thought makes me shiver.
I neither dare moving nor looking away, neither does he, eying his prey.
Suddenly I feel his hands grabbing my arms, turning me around and pushing me back. I let out a huffing sound when my back hits the hard wood of the door and a million memories break free. Again.
That scene… that door… that night.
But he looks a lot different from the “Castle” I shot the scene with. From the man that suddenly ran off the set and confessing he wanted me when I went to look for him.
“Fillion back off! Let go!” I plead. Am I scared? I don’t know. But I’m for sure not his prey. And he isn’t a hunter slaying me down. I can’t help the feeling of wanting to scream for help but I notice my whole body is shaking now. But it’s not out of fear I quickly realize. His scent, his body pressing against me. Good Lord how badly I miss him. How badly I miss his hands roaming over my body. His lips kissing me, his tongue teasing me.
“No.” His voice is deep like the roar of thunder. His lips are on my throat even before he finishes the sentence. Kissing, licking. His hands are releasing my arms moving downward. He slightly touches the outside of my braless breasts before he starts caressing my sides, winding his arms around me back. Without realizing my body arches forward, needing more.
“Tell me you don’t miss this and I will let go, Stana.”
The way he almost purrs my name makes me moan. I don’t want to but I can’t help it. The heat of his hands is radiating through the thin material of the summer dress. His grip get’s harder, almost painful as he traps my body between the door and his weight, pressing his growing erection into my stomach.
“I… don’t….” It’s hard to concentrate on words.
On one word… “Don’t”, I repeat.
A wave of heat rushes through my body. Want. Need. I bite my lip to keep another moan from escaping.
He lifts me up and involuntarily my legs wrap around his waist, making my dress ride up. Shivers are running up and down my spine as he grabs my butt and starts kneading, bringing my centre even closer to his. So close.
“Tell me you don’t miss this… mean it… say it and I will let go.”
My head falls back onto the door with a loud thud allowing him to bite and lick whatever bare flesh he can reach. Without even noticing I burry my hands in his hair, urging him on.
“Tell me you don’t miss it. Tell me you don’t dream of it every single night since… then… ‘cuz I do.”
Somewhere in the back of my head his words keep echoing. Like the echo in an empty cave. ‘Cuz I do. ‘Cuz I do.
I don’t want this. I don’t want him. I don’t need him. Not anymore. I pulled myself back together and managed to live a life that doesn’t include him. I managed to hate him.
“I do…”, I hiss as he once more bites down hard.
“I DON’T. I don’t.” I’m trying to convince myself of the fact I don’t want this and don’t miss him. Like a mantra I keep repeating, “I don’t” hoping he would just believe me and let go.
I can feel his breath on my damp skin, his lips moving, moaning. Sweat is forming on my forehead. One of his hands is moving up to cover my cheek, forcing me to look at him as he starts a slow rhythm towards me with his hips. For a moment that contact leaves me breathless. I missed him. I did. I do. But I can’t do this. Not again. It took me so long to go back to a normal life. A normal life far away from dreams and hopes and love. I married Kris, we started a life together, things were ok. Things were easy. Not working but easy.
“I’m married… Nathan… I’m married, let go.” I manage nothing more than a whisper, my breath getting stuck half way out. But instead of making him back off these words seem to make him angry. He thrusts harder and I can feel the little sounds escaping my mouth every time he grinds into me. Low grunts. I can feel how the heat inside me builds, how my core keeps getting wetter. I’m sure he can already feel it. Strangely right now I could care less. Of course if I knew how to stop it, I would. If I knew how to make this… thing… - chemistry, lust, hunger, whatever you want to call it - which always was there between us stop, I would. I would be all professional about it saying it’s just plane acting. Even though I know it never was. It always was real. On screen and off screen. The moment he looked at me a certain way I could feel it. When he was checking me out, looking at my breasts, my legs, my face. It always was real. I’m wet, for him. because of him.
As if he was reading my mind he suddenly answered. “Can he do this to u? Can Kris do this to u?”
One hand is coming up to cup my breast, pinching it, kneading it, making the nipple stand out right away. Again, I can’t do anything else but moan. Little waves of pleasure ripple through my body and settle down between my legs.
He keeps pressing his manhood against my clit and I can feel how it keeps swelling.
“Don’t.” I gasp as I lean my forehead against his shoulder and he once more grabs my behind, pulling me even closer. Rubbing, circling, grinding. The friction our clothing creates is almost unbearable. All I would want to do right now is rip everything off. Feel his skin covering mine, having him inside me, come together.
With that image in my head and one last hard move towards me he sends me over the edge. Everything turns black. Entire bliss. Like the giant explosion that once spread the stars across the universe. My universe. Our universe. I bite down on the skin on his neck to keep me from screaming out his name. My body shivering, my hands looking for support on his shoulders.
When I finally get my body back under control I start shaking my head.
I can’t do this.
Not again.
Suddenly he moves away. Just an inch, making my legs fall down back to the floor. It feels like a whole planet could fit between the sheer never ending distance of our bodies.
“God, I have to…” is as far as I get when I can finally talk again. Breathing heavily I try to find his eyes in the shady aftermath of my climax. I have to go. I have to leave. I have to run away. Run back to my real life, to my real world before I get stuck in this dream again.
“Can he make you come by just pressing his body against you?” He whispers into my ear when leaning forward.
I try to go back to normal thinking. I try to tell him again I don’t need him, I don’t love him, I don’t want him. But I can’t.
“No.” My voice sounds husky. I close my eyes again, leaning back against the door. Just one moment. I will follow my plan of running away in… one more moment. Later I could just tell myself I drank too much and this was just another stupid mistake I made along the way.
Giving in to the temptation was the first mistake.
Actually sleeping with my Co-Star the second.
Thinking we could find a way to live happily ever after the third.
And this, saying goodbye this way for sure was the fourth and last one I will ever make.
Just one more moment. Don’t open your eyes, Stana. Just one moment.
Even before I can finish my thoughts I can hear a ripping sound. I feel a sharp pain around my waist, cold air meeting wet skin, which sends a hundred butterflies flying through my entire body. In the corner of my eye I can see my black soaked slip fall to the floor. And then… the chill is gone. Wet flesh gets covered by a warm hand as he slides with his index finger inside of me, rubbing his thumb over my clit.
“Nathan… God… please…”
“Please what?”
“Make me come... please...” Did I just say that out loud? Almost two years ago, after our electric, overloaded with passion, heated liaison ended, I swore to myself to never ever let any man get that close to me again. To not let any man in the universe make Stana Katic beg. I didn’t before him and I would never do that again. Stana Katic is a strong independent woman that doesn’t have to ask twice about anything. Even less beg. And she for sure doesn’t cry. I feel tears running down my cheeks as I keep begging him. “Please”.
He adds a second finger, stretching me even more, making me realize what a year of abstinence did to me. As if he realized the same that very moment we both moan, a deep and lusty moan filled with passion and ecstasy.
His free hand covers my breast again and I can feel the friction the clothing creates between his skin and mine. All of the sudden he leans down to kiss me. His lips seeking mine, his tongue caressing, begging for entrance. With a hard thrust with his fingers, he makes me gasps and enters my mouth without permission, conquering it, marking it as his territory. And I obey, hungrily trying to deepen the kiss. Tongues duelling, fingers pulling, back aching. Oh how I missed the sweet taste of his lips. The tender flesh of his mouth, the feeling of his fingers driving me crazy.
Again he pulls away this time making me turn around with one swift sudden movement. Even before I can protest he brings his body behind me, pressing me against the door, putting his fingers back in place, at the same time making me feel his hunger for me on my lower back. With this position change he makes my nipples -which are begging for attention- rub against the wooden door. I try to reach back to touch him. But he keeps me from it by placing my hands on the door, for support. He starts moving his hips towards me while he keeps massaging my clit with his hand, kissing and biting my neck, licking over that sensitive spot right behind my ear.
His rhythm is getting faster, harder, almost furious.
I can hear myself scream his name. Loud enough for everyone to hear. But I’m too far gone to care. All I want is more.
My hands coming off the door pulling his head closer, tangling in his hair. His free hand suddenly squeezing one of my nipples.
“Come for me, beautiful”, he whispers. Over and over again.
And I do as he says. Over and over again as his hand slowly keeps pumping in and out of me, his thumb drawing circles on my wet flesh, his other fingers pinching my breast, his erection pressing into my back.
A second before my legs give in and I feel like I’m going to fall to the floor his arm comes around my waist to support a weight I can’t carry myself. Crushing me to his body, making all the air that was left leave my lungs. I lean back and whine as he lets his other hand slide out of me to pull me even close into his embrace. My eyes are still closed as I try to catch my breath. Little coloured dots still jumping around - making it look like someone invested a lot of money into a firework.
He doesn’t move. His head resting on my shoulder. His lips still caressing the skin of my neck. All that is heard for a long moment is silence. And unsteady breathing. I can still feel his throbbing member on my back and once more couldn’t help but wonder how he does it. I never met a guy with such a strong will. I remember all the endless nights of making love. Love…
That word suddenly makes my brain pop back into working mode. Not again. I won’t let that happen again. I can just walk out of this stage, pretending this was just my way to finally say goodbye and never see him again. And of course I could always blame the alcohol which I already couldn’t feel anymore. But one way or the other I wouldn’t have to walk to the set anymore every single day, catching him eying me, seeing him smile. Castle is over, this is over, ‘us’ is over.
I quickly turn around bringing my dress down my tights with one hand. I don’t dare to look at him.
“Stana…”
“No. Don’t… I can’t do this. I won’t do this again just to wake up one day and get my heart broken again. That’s it.”
“Give me one minute please.”
“Who do you think you are? Have you ever, just for one second, thought about what you did to me back then? I have a life. I have a husband and I’m fine without you!” This time I do sound as angry as I wanted to.
When I turn to leave he takes hold of my arm again. “Stana, wait! Let’s…”
“… talk about this? No!” I yell at him. Tears streaming down my face again as I break contact.
Without looking at him I turn around and start walking away.
I love you. Chances are I’ll see you in my dreams tonight, but I can’t do this.
For one second I allow myself to pause. I turn around and look at him. I wipe my face with the back of my hand. I’m going to go back to not caring, right now. Not caring about the figure standing there, wearing the expression of a broken man. Not caring about my heart breaking into a million pieces again when seeing him like that. Not caring about the need to run up to him, take him in my arms and tell him everything is going to be ok. And not caring about the piece of black ripped silk still lying on the floor next to him.
“Goodbye.” I whisper as I turn around and walk out of the place that holds so many memories. Shares so many secrets with people that are willing to listen.
I would not look back.
The show is over.
The party is over.
And my life… well, back to chapter one: “How to live without Nathan Fillion.”
Chances are... (Chapter 2)
Here we go with part 2 of chapter 1!
Hope you enjoy! I think we are still stuck in NC-17 rating :-D What can I say...
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
“CUT!”
Breathing heavily I try to stabilize myself as he loosens his hold on me. I really thought we could do it this time. I really thought we could do it. My lips feel swollen, my body set on fire. As I look Nathan in the eyes he smiles and whispers a soft “sorry” no one else can hear. It sends tingles up and down my spine. What on earth is he doing to me?
Actually I was looking forward to finally shoot this scene. After 4 years Beckett and Castle would get what they wanted for so long. They’d finally be together and start a whole new chapter in their lives. Together.
The first few scenes were easy. A walk in the park actually as we knew exactly how we wanted it to be. What to do, how to look, when to touch. Rob knew he wouldn’t have to be much of a director here. He just asked us to please stick to the lines and then go with the flow. And we did. We delivered the lines and went with the flow.
Now this. The infamous “door scene”. We did practice at his place the previous evening. We talked about what we could do to make it look real and feel right for the audience. I wasn’t scared. We trust each other and through the years we came to know the other one so well we could tell by one look if things were ok or not. After all it was quite a scene. One you can never get through without trust. We were excited, making jokes about just making out in front of everyone’s eyes without them noticing - because after all we had too. Castle and Beckett had to. And to be honest, every now and then we did make out. Just for fun. To figure out how our characters would do certain things. I don’t know at which point I started to enjoy the feeling of his hands on my back, on my face. His lips touching mine, his scent filling my senses. The warmth of his strong body.
But right now I AM scared. Not of him or of acting miserably. I’m scared I’m going to give myself away. Moaning a shade too loud, breathing too heavy, letting him know I do notice the bulge in his pants; the desire washing through my body. Telling him that way just how badly I’d want to move this somewhere else. But we don’t do these things. We are friends, partners, co-workers. Professional ones. So we for sure don’t do these things.
Professional, that’s the word. Keep thinking of that, Stana.
“Let’s take it from the moment before you push her back to the door, yes Nate? Stana?”
I didn’t notice we were still keeping eye contact. At the same time we raise our thumbs to Rob saying “Sure thing!”
Which involuntarily makes everyone laugh.
He’s the first one to let go and move back to his mark. Immediately I miss him. I stretch my muscles a little, trying to make them stop pulsating, inhaling fresh air deeply various times and shakily walk to spot I’m supposed to stand in.
With unsteady fingers I close the button of my blouse he opened before to reveal the scar on my chest - Beckett’s chest. The only not improvised part that scene had to include: Castle touching Beckett’s scar. Again I start shivering. His hand reaches out to touch my face. “We’ll make it this time”, he says, winking at me. I smile up at him, nod and bite my lips.
“Ok guys… here we go. And ACTION!”
A fake lightning brightens the barely lit room and within the blink of an eye he crushes me against the door again. I’m trying to think of little white fluffy sheep while his lips are on mine, moving down my throat, kissing, licking. This always worked in the past.
Little fluffy sheep running around on a field.
I wrap my arms around him to make him step even closer. As his head is tilted away from the camera, covered by mine, he starts biting my neck. His hands roaming over my body and I so badly would want him to touch my skin. I think I just started moaning again. I hold my breath for a second.
Fluffy sheep.
His lower body is pressing into mine and his hands are almost clawing on my clothes. I can hear him breathe into my ear; I can feel him getting harder. Ok, that for sure was the last picture I needed right now. I can feel the heat rushing down to my lower body and I arch against him.
Goddamn it, sheep.
As his mouth covers mine again and thrusts against me I can hear him moan. Or was it me? As if his longing was getting unbearable too one of his hands comes to the front and covers my breasts, starts to kneed it. And I’m gone. Lost in time and space. My head falls back to the door and then…
“CUT!”
We both freeze, his hand still staying on my breast, my head resting on the door.
“I know we agreed on freestyle but people… this is a TV-show! Anything else than PG-rated won’t get aired!” Rob laughs.
But neither Nathan nor me laugh along. For a long moment we stand there, unwilling to move. As I manage to make my head move forward, looking at him, I notice his eyes are close, his breathing uneven. He’s biting the inside of his cheeks as if he was trying to make himself calm down. Is he angry? Did I do something wrong? He probably is mad at me for screwing this one up again. I let my hands drop off his shoulder and force a smile. “Next try?” I whisper. I can already tell walking back to the mark this time will be even harder than the last. This burning need inside is even making it impossible to stand still, not touch him. His hands fall to his sides and he shakes his head. As he opens his eyes and looks at me he looks different. His eyes were dark, filled with something I never saw on him before.
“No…. I… need a break.” Even before he has finished his sentence he took three huge steps back. “Let’s take a break and then try again?” He calls out to Rob who just looks at him, nodding.
“30 mins peeps! Then we’ll get this done!” Rob get’s up from his chair.
“Yeah, and a cold shower for Castle!”
Nathan always tries to make everyone laugh. And they do. Everyone laughs but me. I can tell it wasn’t a joke. But even before I get the chance to ask what’s wrong he is gone. I stand there for what seems like minutes trying to understand what just had happened.
“Is he ok?” A familiar voice makes me snap back to reality. Rob looks at me with his hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah! I mean…” My voice sounds way too high as if someone caught me doing something forbidden. I cough slightly. “I mean I don’t know. I’ll go check.” Yes, that sounded better.
Without even waiting for an answer I start walking off the set.
What the heck did just happen? It’s not like we never kissed before. We did. Actually we did a lot of times by now. We tend to flirt - of course as Castle and Beckett - and every now and then we do steal little kisses from one another. No biggy. Of course. It was just for… research. I mean what would our two characters do IF they were together, right? Method acting I would call it. Nothing else.
I don’t quite understand how come I walk to his trailer so fast it almost feels like flying. But when I reach the door and knock I suddenly can feel another heat wave rushing down between my legs.
“Get a hold on yourself, girl!” I tell myself as I knock again.
Still no answer.
As I knock the third time, louder now, I call out his name.
Nothing.
“Nate, come on! I know you are there! It’s me, open up!” I’m starting to get nervous. Maybe he left to get some coffee or… anything else. Maybe he just ran away.
Suddenly I can hear footsteps behind the door, then a long pause. Finally he sticks his head out. “Stana, not now. I need to be alone for… a moment ok? I’ll be right back.”
Is he shirtless? My mouth starts to feel dry. “The cold shower, huh?” I try to smile but he drops his gaze. “Look, I was just wondering if you are ok. You left so fast.”
“Yeah, sure. I just need a moment and I’ll be all up and kickin’ in some mins!” He’s trying to sound normal but there for sure is something else going on.
“Talk to me, Nate.” I say and reach out to touch his face as I always do when something is bothering him. He takes a step back.
“Please, don’t. Not right now.” He is about to close the door but without being asked I take a step forward, enter his trailer and stop behind him.
Yes, he really is without a shirt. I can’t help but let my eyes wonder of his bare shoulders, his back, down to his ass. Geez, am I just really checking out his behind? My mouth drops open and I notice how my tongue is darting out to moisture my lips. He closes the door but doesn’t turn around. He just stands there. And again my eyes start their journey over his back. My hand suddenly reaches out to touch it. I can feel him shiver under my touch. So warm.
“Talk to me.” I’m not sure he heard what I was saying as he still doesn’t move. I can feel the heat radiating from his body, making my hand feel like I just touched the hot stove.
“I don’t know how to do this”, he answers as he takes a deep breath.
“Do what?”
“This. Us. I don’t know anymore how to handle it. We are friends, right?” As if he was waiting for me to reassure him of that fact he pauses.
“Of course” I say without thinking.
He turns around and I’m getting caught in the darkest blue eyes I have ever seen. I can’t look away as my heart starts racing. “See? That’s the problem.”
What problem, I want to ask but right now I can neither talk nor think. He’s so close, so warm so… sexy. All I would want to do is reach out and kiss him.
“I want you.” He quotes the words I said to him, his character, some hours ago. I gasp. “But… I just need to take a cold shower right...”
I don’t let him finish. I close the distance between us and kiss him without hesitation. I can feel his erection pressing into me as our bodies finally touch. No man in this universe should feel this good. My tongue softly touches his lips waiting for him to open his mouth. But instead of doing so he draws back and stares into my eyes. “What if I tell you I want you too?”
He draws in a sharp breath and I’m awaiting a comment or him making me leave. With one swift move he closes the distance between us, taking me into his strong arms, crushing me to his body. He kisses me with a passion I have never experienced before in all my life. I can feel the muscles in his back move as he tightens his arms around me.
My hands, obviously having a life of their own, wander down his body, to the button of his pants. “Wait”, he breathes between moans and gasps. I so badly would want this. I so badly want him.
“Let me help you.” By moving even close to him I make him take a step back until he hits the trailer wall behind us. As I look up to him I can’t help but smile. “Change of position…” I raise an eyebrow, studying his expression for a moment. It looks like he would want to laugh but doesn’t dare. Maybe he thinks if he laughs too loud he will wake up and I’m gone. I lean in to kiss him again. Hungry. As my lips leave his, my tongue starts trailing down the bare skin of his chest, biting, nipping. I feel him shudder under my touch. I continue my journey down, knowing I actually don’t have as much time for this as I would want to have. But it will have to do for now.
I kneel down in front of him and feel his body tighten under my fingertips as I softly touch him through his pants. Moans leaving his mouth somehow telling me to please stop teasing. But he doesn’t say it out loud. Looking up I notice his eyes are closed and his hands seem to be looking for support by trying to cling down the wall.
“Do you want to touch me?”
“Badly”, is all he answers before I can’t resist running my fingertips over him again, making him groan.
“Badly…” he repeats. That’s all I need to hear. Quickly I undo the button that is keeping me from finally being able to feel him, see him. I slowly pull down the zipper, making sure he feels every millimeter.
“God, you are a tease!” He’s looking down on me now, more confident, smiling, and all I can do is smile back, biting my lip as I so often do.
As I finally free his throbbing erection by pulling down his pants and briefs I find myself starring at him for a moment.
“Does that mean you like what you see or….”
Every now and then I caught myself thinking of how he might look naked. But I may say I wasn’t really expecting this. I could tell he wouldn’t be small but this was a little unexpected. “A lot”, I answer before I go back to what I actually was planning on doing for such a long time now. I close my lips around him, trying to take in as much as possible, closing my hand around the rest.
A loud moan is filling the room. I never really was the kind of girl that likes to give blowjobs… in fact it never gave me any pleasure. But this I have to admit is a completely new sensational feeling. It IS turning me on. A lot… if it is even possible to get turned on more.
As I swirl my tongue around his tip he makes the most delighted noises I have ever heard coming from a guy and I take a mental note - memorizing it.
I don’t know for how long I have been keeping the procedure of licking, sucking and stroking up - probably just a few seconds… way too short if u ask me… but suddenly I can feel his hands pulling at my hair, trying to make me break contact.
“Let go… can’t…”
I start grinning. As if… I increase the hold I have on him, suck just a little harder, making sure he knows I’m far away from letting him go.
A second later I find myself doing something else I never did before… with a loud moan that almost sounds like the howl of a lonely wolf in a cold arctic night I can feel how an orgasm is running through his whole body - and I swallow everything he has to give.
His knees start shaking as I lick him clean and start pulling his pants back up.
“Interesting. New, interesting, but me likes - shall improve.” I feel a mischievous grin spreading all over my face. With a loud laugh he pulls me into a standing position, crushes his lips to mine and draws me in for a long passionate kiss. “We should head back” I say the second he lets go and I can breathe again.
“Mhm” is all he says while he is busy placing butterfly kisses down my neckline, roaming his hands over my body and walking us backwards.
“Like for real…”
“Mhm…”
I gasp as the back of my legs touch the edge of the small couch and I can feel my pants sliding down my legs. Wow, how come I didn’t notice him doing that?!
With a slight push back he makes me sit down. “Just wondering if you enjoyed that scene as much as I did… and would need a little hand to assist as well…” He waggles his eyebrows and makes me laugh. And then moan the very second I can feel his hot breath on my skin, his hair tickling the inside of my thighs.
“So you have been like this all day too, eh?” I can’t answer. My head is falling back, eyes closed, as I can feel his tongue on my heated flesh.
It is useless to hang on to any kind of sanity or the thought of “not yet, too soon”… his tongue is driving me crazy, making me want to explode, unable to think. With all the built up passion that was there for what felt like hours now it just took him a millisecond to make me come. Hard. Wave after wave rushing through me, making me float and hum and scream.
My eyes still closed enjoying the aftermath rippling through my stomach I feel him sitting down next to me. I let my head fall onto his shoulder and smile.
“You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. And really tasty I may add”, he says when resting his cheek on my head.
“Same.” I’m still trying to go back to normal breathing.
“Best 'shower' ever.”
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
That night was the beginning of… I don’t even have words to describe it. Something I thought was real. Something that could have worked out, I thought. Well, in the beginning it actually didn’t feel like more than relieving some tension with your best friend. We kept our other relationships going but always ended up making out, enjoying each other’s naked bodies. Enjoying the closeness we felt when making love. But neither of us dared taking any further action. It was ok for almost a year and a half. We had our own lives… feeling truly free when finally being able to be together again. Even if it was just for some hours, some nights.
But we never stayed over.
Never shared a breakfast together, waking up in each other’s arms. And for the time being even that was ok. There always was a certain distance. A professional distance.
Countless times there was this awkward silence between us. For a moment I thought he would say “I love you” and I would have said “I love you too”. Because I did. Not that I would have ever say that out loud. Especially not now. Not after I made that horrible mistake. I stayed overnight.
In the morning when I overheard him talking on the phone the falling ended - and I hit the ground.
If I wouldn’t have we probably still would be living our two lives. The normal professional “we are friends and get along VERY well” one and the wonderful secret dream we shared - just the two of us. A dream I never wanted to wake from.
It was good. It was pure bliss. But as all dreams this one ended.
I take a deep breath and when I feel the tears finally subsiding I open my eyes again. They widen in shock as I see a well-known silhouette standing mere meters away from me.
Ground swallow me. Not now please. Why does he always have to appear in moments where I’m so vulnerable all I can do is cry when he makes one of his comments?
“Can we please talk?” His voice sounds warm and caring. A tone I haven’t heard in a century.
“Fuck off.” I get up from the couch and suddenly have this urge to run back to the party.
“Katic you will listen to me now! This might be the last chance I get!” He takes a step towards me and out of an instinct I move to the other side.
“I said fuck off. There is nothing I have to talk about. Especially not to you.” He’s blocking my way again, standing dangerously close now.
“Get out of my way!” I’m sure I don’t sound quite as convincing as I’d want to. But that very moment I could care less. All I want right now is to get away from him. Out of his reach, out of his sight out of his… everything. Just away.
“No.” His voice is low and dangerous.
“Fine.” He could have his way then. Mister “I’m too proud to care about anyone else but me” could just keep standing there, have things happen his way once more.
I take a step towards the end of the fake wall, my exit, but within the blink of an eye he his blocking my path again. I look up to him. The sandals I’m wearing are making our size difference obvious. Suddenly I’m feeling very small though I know I’m anything but short. “Don’t u dare…”
I feel the need to slap him, tell him all the things I kept inside for so long. Hurtful, mean things. Tell him what an asshole I think he is, how badly he hurt me, how he broke my heart. But I can’t.
“Get. Out. Of. My. Way.” is the only thing I manage to say. If looks could kill he would drop dead this very moment. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t fall to the floor, feeling all the pain I felt these past years. He just stands there, unmoving. His eyes telling me to just go for what I’m thinking. Hurt him. For a long and never ending moment I stare at him. Like a wounded animal trapped between a predator and a wall. I don’t dare breaking eye contact. A century ago I was sure he’d never hurt me. He was my best friend, my lover, my everything. But right now I’m not sure anymore what he is. An ex co-Worker? A hurt ex lover? I let out a sigh. Something ex for sure.
His normally smooth and kind expression that kept making funny faces to make me laugh during long days at the set is gone. He looks older, angry, bitter somehow. His crystal clear blue eyes that always reminded me of an endless ocean look… dark. The blue watery depths are filled with the first signs of a heavy thunderstorm. A thunderstorm about to break lose. I’m almost sure I can smell alcohol on him. Well, after all it was a farewell party. And if he doesn’t want to be here as much as I do then he for sure drank enough. That thought makes me shiver.
I neither dare moving nor looking away, neither does he, eying his prey.
Suddenly I feel his hands grabbing my arms, turning me around and pushing me back. I let out a huffing sound when my back hits the hard wood of the door and a million memories break free. Again.
That scene… that door… that night.
But he looks a lot different from the “Castle” I shot the scene with. From the man that suddenly ran off the set and confessing he wanted me when I went to look for him.
“Fillion back off! Let go!” I plead. Am I scared? I don’t know. But I’m for sure not his prey. And he isn’t a hunter slaying me down. I can’t help the feeling of wanting to scream for help but I notice my whole body is shaking now. But it’s not out of fear I quickly realize. His scent, his body pressing against me. Good Lord how badly I miss him. How badly I miss his hands roaming over my body. His lips kissing me, his tongue teasing me.
“No.” His voice is deep like the roar of thunder. His lips are on my throat even before he finishes the sentence. Kissing, licking. His hands are releasing my arms moving downward. He slightly touches the outside of my braless breasts before he starts caressing my sides, winding his arms around me back. Without realizing my body arches forward, needing more.
“Tell me you don’t miss this and I will let go, Stana.”
The way he almost purrs my name makes me moan. I don’t want to but I can’t help it. The heat of his hands is radiating through the thin material of the summer dress. His grip get’s harder, almost painful as he traps my body between the door and his weight, pressing his growing erection into my stomach.
“I… don’t….” It’s hard to concentrate on words.
On one word… “Don’t”, I repeat.
A wave of heat rushes through my body. Want. Need. I bite my lip to keep another moan from escaping.
He lifts me up and involuntarily my legs wrap around his waist, making my dress ride up. Shivers are running up and down my spine as he grabs my butt and starts kneading, bringing my centre even closer to his. So close.
“Tell me you don’t miss this… mean it… say it and I will let go.”
My head falls back onto the door with a loud thud allowing him to bite and lick whatever bare flesh he can reach. Without even noticing I burry my hands in his hair, urging him on.
“Tell me you don’t miss it. Tell me you don’t dream of it every single night since… then… ‘cuz I do.”
Somewhere in the back of my head his words keep echoing. Like the echo in an empty cave. ‘Cuz I do. ‘Cuz I do.
I don’t want this. I don’t want him. I don’t need him. Not anymore. I pulled myself back together and managed to live a life that doesn’t include him. I managed to hate him.
“I do…”, I hiss as he once more bites down hard.
“I DON’T. I don’t.” I’m trying to convince myself of the fact I don’t want this and don’t miss him. Like a mantra I keep repeating, “I don’t” hoping he would just believe me and let go.
I can feel his breath on my damp skin, his lips moving, moaning. Sweat is forming on my forehead. One of his hands is moving up to cover my cheek, forcing me to look at him as he starts a slow rhythm towards me with his hips. For a moment that contact leaves me breathless. I missed him. I did. I do. But I can’t do this. Not again. It took me so long to go back to a normal life. A normal life far away from dreams and hopes and love. I married Kris, we started a life together, things were ok. Things were easy. Not working but easy.
“I’m married… Nathan… I’m married, let go.” I manage nothing more than a whisper, my breath getting stuck half way out. But instead of making him back off these words seem to make him angry. He thrusts harder and I can feel the little sounds escaping my mouth every time he grinds into me. Low grunts. I can feel how the heat inside me builds, how my core keeps getting wetter. I’m sure he can already feel it. Strangely right now I could care less. Of course if I knew how to stop it, I would. If I knew how to make this… thing… - chemistry, lust, hunger, whatever you want to call it - which always was there between us stop, I would. I would be all professional about it saying it’s just plane acting. Even though I know it never was. It always was real. On screen and off screen. The moment he looked at me a certain way I could feel it. When he was checking me out, looking at my breasts, my legs, my face. It always was real. I’m wet, for him. because of him.
As if he was reading my mind he suddenly answered. “Can he do this to u? Can Kris do this to u?”
One hand is coming up to cup my breast, pinching it, kneading it, making the nipple stand out right away. Again, I can’t do anything else but moan. Little waves of pleasure ripple through my body and settle down between my legs.
He keeps pressing his manhood against my clit and I can feel how it keeps swelling.
“Don’t.” I gasp as I lean my forehead against his shoulder and he once more grabs my behind, pulling me even closer. Rubbing, circling, grinding. The friction our clothing creates is almost unbearable. All I would want to do right now is rip everything off. Feel his skin covering mine, having him inside me, come together.
With that image in my head and one last hard move towards me he sends me over the edge. Everything turns black. Entire bliss. Like the giant explosion that once spread the stars across the universe. My universe. Our universe. I bite down on the skin on his neck to keep me from screaming out his name. My body shivering, my hands looking for support on his shoulders.
When I finally get my body back under control I start shaking my head.
I can’t do this.
Not again.
Suddenly he moves away. Just an inch, making my legs fall down back to the floor. It feels like a whole planet could fit between the sheer never ending distance of our bodies.
“God, I have to…” is as far as I get when I can finally talk again. Breathing heavily I try to find his eyes in the shady aftermath of my climax. I have to go. I have to leave. I have to run away. Run back to my real life, to my real world before I get stuck in this dream again.
“Can he make you come by just pressing his body against you?” He whispers into my ear when leaning forward.
I try to go back to normal thinking. I try to tell him again I don’t need him, I don’t love him, I don’t want him. But I can’t.
“No.” My voice sounds husky. I close my eyes again, leaning back against the door. Just one moment. I will follow my plan of running away in… one more moment. Later I could just tell myself I drank too much and this was just another stupid mistake I made along the way.
Giving in to the temptation was the first mistake.
Actually sleeping with my Co-Star the second.
Thinking we could find a way to live happily ever after the third.
And this, saying goodbye this way for sure was the fourth and last one I will ever make.
Just one more moment. Don’t open your eyes, Stana. Just one moment.
Even before I can finish my thoughts I can hear a ripping sound. I feel a sharp pain around my waist, cold air meeting wet skin, which sends a hundred butterflies flying through my entire body. In the corner of my eye I can see my black soaked slip fall to the floor. And then… the chill is gone. Wet flesh gets covered by a warm hand as he slides with his index finger inside of me, rubbing his thumb over my clit.
“Nathan… God… please…”
“Please what?”
“Make me come... please...” Did I just say that out loud? Almost two years ago, after our electric, overloaded with passion, heated liaison ended, I swore to myself to never ever let any man get that close to me again. To not let any man in the universe make Stana Katic beg. I didn’t before him and I would never do that again. Stana Katic is a strong independent woman that doesn’t have to ask twice about anything. Even less beg. And she for sure doesn’t cry. I feel tears running down my cheeks as I keep begging him. “Please”.
He adds a second finger, stretching me even more, making me realize what a year of abstinence did to me. As if he realized the same that very moment we both moan, a deep and lusty moan filled with passion and ecstasy.
His free hand covers my breast again and I can feel the friction the clothing creates between his skin and mine. All of the sudden he leans down to kiss me. His lips seeking mine, his tongue caressing, begging for entrance. With a hard thrust with his fingers, he makes me gasps and enters my mouth without permission, conquering it, marking it as his territory. And I obey, hungrily trying to deepen the kiss. Tongues duelling, fingers pulling, back aching. Oh how I missed the sweet taste of his lips. The tender flesh of his mouth, the feeling of his fingers driving me crazy.
Again he pulls away this time making me turn around with one swift sudden movement. Even before I can protest he brings his body behind me, pressing me against the door, putting his fingers back in place, at the same time making me feel his hunger for me on my lower back. With this position change he makes my nipples -which are begging for attention- rub against the wooden door. I try to reach back to touch him. But he keeps me from it by placing my hands on the door, for support. He starts moving his hips towards me while he keeps massaging my clit with his hand, kissing and biting my neck, licking over that sensitive spot right behind my ear.
His rhythm is getting faster, harder, almost furious.
I can hear myself scream his name. Loud enough for everyone to hear. But I’m too far gone to care. All I want is more.
My hands coming off the door pulling his head closer, tangling in his hair. His free hand suddenly squeezing one of my nipples.
“Come for me, beautiful”, he whispers. Over and over again.
And I do as he says. Over and over again as his hand slowly keeps pumping in and out of me, his thumb drawing circles on my wet flesh, his other fingers pinching my breast, his erection pressing into my back.
A second before my legs give in and I feel like I’m going to fall to the floor his arm comes around my waist to support a weight I can’t carry myself. Crushing me to his body, making all the air that was left leave my lungs. I lean back and whine as he lets his other hand slide out of me to pull me even close into his embrace. My eyes are still closed as I try to catch my breath. Little coloured dots still jumping around - making it look like someone invested a lot of money into a firework.
He doesn’t move. His head resting on my shoulder. His lips still caressing the skin of my neck. All that is heard for a long moment is silence. And unsteady breathing. I can still feel his throbbing member on my back and once more couldn’t help but wonder how he does it. I never met a guy with such a strong will. I remember all the endless nights of making love. Love…
That word suddenly makes my brain pop back into working mode. Not again. I won’t let that happen again. I can just walk out of this stage, pretending this was just my way to finally say goodbye and never see him again. And of course I could always blame the alcohol which I already couldn’t feel anymore. But one way or the other I wouldn’t have to walk to the set anymore every single day, catching him eying me, seeing him smile. Castle is over, this is over, ‘us’ is over.
I quickly turn around bringing my dress down my tights with one hand. I don’t dare to look at him.
“Stana…”
“No. Don’t… I can’t do this. I won’t do this again just to wake up one day and get my heart broken again. That’s it.”
“Give me one minute please.”
“Who do you think you are? Have you ever, just for one second, thought about what you did to me back then? I have a life. I have a husband and I’m fine without you!” This time I do sound as angry as I wanted to.
When I turn to leave he takes hold of my arm again. “Stana, wait! Let’s…”
“… talk about this? No!” I yell at him. Tears streaming down my face again as I break contact.
Without looking at him I turn around and start walking away.
I love you. Chances are I’ll see you in my dreams tonight, but I can’t do this.
For one second I allow myself to pause. I turn around and look at him. I wipe my face with the back of my hand. I’m going to go back to not caring, right now. Not caring about the figure standing there, wearing the expression of a broken man. Not caring about my heart breaking into a million pieces again when seeing him like that. Not caring about the need to run up to him, take him in my arms and tell him everything is going to be ok. And not caring about the piece of black ripped silk still lying on the floor next to him.
“Goodbye.” I whisper as I turn around and walk out of the place that holds so many memories. Shares so many secrets with people that are willing to listen.
I would not look back.
The show is over.
The party is over.
And my life… well, back to chapter one: “How to live without Nathan Fillion.”
Chances are... (Chapter 2)