The Chronology of Us (A Stanathan multi-chapter fic) Ch. 49: The award for acceptance
Title: The Chronology of us - Chapter 49: The award for acceptance
Rating: T
Pairing: Stana/Nathan
Hey folks, so I don't really know where this crusader angle came from, it just kinda happened. Anyway, I'm very much pro-acceptance, it's not something I preach about a lot, but I myself, am open to every single person, and believe that how they chose to live is up to them, particularly, who they chose to love.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy the slightly political slant of this chapter - there's a lot of cuteness here as well :)
Peace and love,
Renee.
The next night, Nathan was freaking out ever so slightly at the thought of performing his cameo bit at the Emmy awards.
“What if I’m so focused on smiling my ass off that I forget the words...Or worse, what if I’m so focused on the words and I forget to smile!”
“I can see your dilemma... Obviously, if you were a woman you wouldn’t have this problem, as it’s a known fact that men cannot think about two things at once”, Stana stated, reaching up to straighten Nathan’s bow tie.
“If I were a woman, all I’d have to worry about would be my cleavage looking good... Ha, see, I can think of two things at once...”, he reached forward, cupping Stana’s left breast, then her right. “One, two.” He winked.
Stana shook her head, looking unimpressed, and flustered.
“Come on, no time for that sort of behavior, you’ve gotta get your head in the game, Mister, this is an important night.”
“I wish you could be there, by my side... I need you to keep me in line”, Nathan gave her a teasing smile, but Stana knew he was being sincere.
She brushed the shoulders of his tuxedo, standing on her tip-toes to peck him on the lips. “I know, but you’re going to be great. Don’t worry about who’s there, I know it’s all your peers, a lot of whom you respect and who are probably going to be very intimidating to perform in front of, but just be yourself and everyone will love you, and if they don’t love you for being yourself, then...fuck ‘em.”
Nathan blinked in surprise, grinning at his ferociously adorable fiance who still surprised him every day. “As always, your sweet, caring words of wisdom bring a warm sense of comfort and home to me.”
“Plenty more where that came from, partner”, Stana smiled lovingly at him. “Now, are you sure Mikaela’s up for this tonight?”
“Oh God yes, if I hadn’t advised her on the optimum time to arrive, she’d have been there at some ungodly hour of the morning, just clamoring to get in.”
Stana chuckled. “I’m glad she’s excited. Must be pretty amazing for her.”
Nathan could see conflicting emotions of both happiness and despondency crossing over Stana’s face. Finally she seemed to settle on being happy.
“I’m glad that she has these opportunities. I know she appreciates them...She’s a good girl.”
“Yes”, Nathan agreed, reaching for Stana’s hands, kissing the knuckles on each of them. “She is, and you are the most understanding, patient, incredible woman in the world. I cannot imagine any one of my former girlfriends being as good as you’ve been with all of this.”
“Hey, we’re both private people, and I understand that it’s both of our careers we’re protecting here, not just yours...It can’t be easy for you either, having to deceive your fans.”
Nathan acknowledged her with a small nod. “It’s not ideal...But when I come home and you’re here, and I get to love you, it’s worth it. Loving you, being in this relationship with you, having to watch my back constantly, it should be hard, but because of you, it isn’t. I’d leave the business if my acting career meant we couldn’t be together.”
Stana couldn’t believe what a profound statement he’d just made. Considering that five years ago, he’d not pursued anything with her except the primal, irrepressible urge that he couldn’t contain, because he was scared that it would affect his job.
“Everything’s easier for me when you’re around. Even when you’re just making jokes...Life’s better when you’re there”, Stana said earnestly.
Nathan pouted. “Hunny, don’t make me well up”, he wined. “Neil will notice the tear marks and he’ll then have license to call me a sissy for the rest of my life... And you know, coming from him, that’s saying something.”
Stana narrowed her eyes at him. “Neil is actually quite masculine you know.”
“Compared to me?” Nathan questioned her, already looking defensive.
Stana simply pursed her lips and stepped quietly from the room, leaving Nathan to follow her like a lost puppy.
“Seriously?”
...
Nathan and Mikaela arrived, arm in arm to the Emmy awards. They stopped and posed for photographers for a good half hour on the red carpet before they were issued inside by event runners.
“I have to go backstage, I think if you go and see that nice gentlemen over there with the earpiece, he will be able to show you to your seat”, Nathan told Mikaela.
“OK. Break a leg”, Mikaela beamed up at him, completely in awe of her surroundings.
“Thank you”, Nathan smiled back, leaning in to kiss her lightly on the cheek. She blushed, staring at him a little drunkenly as he walked away, but very quickly, her attention was back on other things, other people.
Nathan got backstage and found Neil Patrick Harris doing what looked like a tap dance on the spot, without any tap shoes.
“Tonys aren’t until June, man”, Nathan playfully reminded him.
“Just shaking out all the nerves”, Neil replied, before fully gauging who it was had spoken to him. “Nathan!” He grinned, striding over to Nathan and shaking his hand in a way that Nathan had to agree, was pretty manly.
“Shit sakes, this is nerve wracking, man”, Neil confessed, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “And it does not get easier, I tell you. All that happens is the pressure to be better than last time builds and builds... Do you know how stressful that is?”
Nathan raised his eyebrows at him, looking as if he was being attacked.
“Sorry...I’m sorry. It’ll be fine, it will most definitely be as good as I can do, that’s what I always say to myself. It’ll be the best I can make it, because any less and I’ll hate myself forever...God, I need a drink.”
“Calm down dude, take a breath. You’ll be spectacular”, Nathan assured him and Neil nodded gratefully. “Try taking your mind off it. Tell me about the kids, how are the kids?”
Neil’s whole demeanor changed instantly when his mind switched to his children. His shoulders relaxed, his forehead uncreased, he looked far more exuberant than stressed.
“Oh, they’re gorgeous man, I’m the luckiest guy in the world.”
“They are extremely cute”, Nathan agreed, with a smile.
A crew man walked past, muttering “5 minutes” to Neil, who instantly tensed up again. He turned to Nathan, his face stiff and petrified.
“Uh...Um, how’s your love life?”
Nathan pressed his index finger to his lips. “Still under wraps, but still as wonderful as ever.”
“That’s great...She’s one fine woman”, Neil told him with a tilt of his head.
“Yes, easy there pal, don’t you go getting any ideas...Oh no, wait, sorry”, Nathan kidded his friend who just shook his head at him, a twitch of his lips occurring just slightly. “Seriously though, she’s been known to turn the heads of a few straight girls, I’m sure it works the other way on gay men too.”
“Well it possibly would, if I weren’t married”, Neil reasoned.
“What’s that like anyway?” Nathan asked. Instantly Neil raised an amused eyebrow at his old friend. “Ew, no...I’m not asking...I don’t mean that, I mean, what’s it like to be married to someone where you guys have such huge attention on you all the time?”
Neil contemplated Nathan’s question for a moment before responding. “It’s challenging. A lot of people think they’re being really supportive too, just by saying they support us, and although it’s lovely and we appreciate it, it doesn’t change the minds of people who are against us, and it never will. People can’t help the way they feel, and despite the fact that a lot of the world is growing up, and changing their ideas, some people just won’t ever get there, it’s too ingrained in them. So yeah... but you know, he’s my soulmate”, Neil shrugged, looking a little embarrassed at his heartfelt sentiment of love, especially saying it to one of his long-time friends who usually avoided the subject of him even being gay, and just accepted him whole-heartedly, no questions asked.
“I know where you’re coming from”, Nathan said, and Neil shot him a dubious look. “Well not exactly, I know you guys have got whole groups of shit heads against you, but I do know how hard maintaining a relationship in the midst of the public eye can be. I’ve realized though, that it makes us stronger as a couple, it’s like we’re fighting a war against the world, and it’s just the two of us, battling it out against everyone and everything else... I think if two people can survive that battle together, then they’re practically untouchable to any other marital problems they might face.”
Neil smirked. “So you’re actually going to make an honest woman out of the girl then?”
Nathan’s eyes lit up reverently, he stepped nearer to Neil, beckoning him forward at the same time. “I didn’t tell you we’re engaged?”
Neil shook his head. “Nope...So, who exactly is that lovely lady who arrived on your arm tonight then?”
“She’s a friend, a very good friend of both of ours”, Nathan told him.
“Hell of a friend”, Neil remarked. “‘S’that all she is?” He smirked, and Nathan’s brow furrowed as he frowned at his friend. “Yes. We’re into some weird stuff, but not that.”
Neil nodded, patting Nathan on the shoulder. “Well, congrats man, I’m happy for you. She’s made you happy, but she hasn’t changed you, so if she can put up with the way you are and is still happy herself, then she must either be a martyr, or a glutton for punishment.”
Nathan rolled his eyes at Neil as he smirked, joying in joking with his old pal.
“Mr. Harris, you’re on”, a man with a headset instructed Neil whose smirk instantly fell as he turned an unhealthy shade of white.
“Break all your bones, buddy”, Nathan grinned at him, slapping him on the back as Neil stepped shakily up to the edge of the curtain, a wide, white-toothed grin already plastered over his face.
...
Both Neil and Nathan, of course, performed spectacularly, earning them thunderous applause, along with their co-performer Sarah Silverman. Nathan was bouncing off the walls when he arrived home that night, and Stana was waiting to congratulate him, despite the fact that she was tucked up in bed and all the lights were off, she had plans to celebrate.
Nathan meandered quietly into the bedroom, being quiet so as not to wake his fiance up, even though she’d txted him earlier in the evening to tell him she would wait up for him, it wasn’t the first time she’d accidentally fallen asleep. Truth be told, he thought it was kind of adorable when she did that.
He undressed, leaving his boxers on and grabbing a t-shirt from his dresser to sleep in. He hung up his tuxedo, tossing his bow tie over the doorknob of the en-suite door.
He climbed carefully into bed, careful not to disturb Stana, who appeared to be sleeping.
She had her back facing him, warm and inviting, and so he shuffled forward in bed, slinging his arm around her waist and snuggling her tightly and lovingly.
He was on the brink of sleep when her voice broke his near-slumber.
“You were so damn sexy up there tonight.”
“You liked it?” He smiled into her neck, nipping her lightly there.
“I loved it”, she replied on a sigh.
Tiredness was teetering on both of their minds, their eyelids weighted and their bodies numb and relaxed.
“Sing me a song Nathan”, Stana slurred, unconsciousness a mere blink away.
Nathan kissed her neck again. “Which song?”
“Don’t care...Anything.”
He grinned as the perfect song came to his mind.
“Nothing goes as planned
Everything will break...”
Stana squirmed against him. “No fair, that’s so not fair, you know what that does to me and I’m tired.”
“People say goodbye
In their own special way...”
Nathan continued singing, his voice a mix of sweet and gravelly.
“All that you rely on
And all that you can fake
Will leave you in the morning
But find you in the day...”
His hand rose on the inside of her thigh, and she snapped her legs together, trapping his hand within the heat there.
“Oh you’re in my veins
And I cannot get you out...”
Stana groaned, rolling into him.
She knew her plans to sleep would not be coming to fruition any time soon.
...
A week later, on the 29th of September, Stana went to the CII. She had just gotten a haircut and all of the staff at the institute were showering her with compliments. Even some of the kids were commenting on her new do, many of the girls grinning widely and requesting to touch it.
Stana laughed. The children were as funny as her fans, all fascinated by her hair.
Nathan turned up in the middle of the afternoon, and, naturally, the children flocked to him.
“Hey little princess”, Nathan grinned, picking up five year old Gemma and swaying her side to side.
“Goober”, Nathan held out his hand for little Toby to smack him a high-five. “Have you little dudes been behaving yourse-” Nathan lost his train of thought when he glanced up and saw Stana standing in front of him, her cropped hair sprawled across her perfect face.
He looked at her, enamored and carefully moved through the group of youngsters who were vying for his attention, his main focus remaining on his fiance.
“You like it?” She blinked her eyes at him shyly.
“You’re adorable”, Nathan said to her, a grin from ear to ear.
She shook her head disbelievingly, tucking her chin in her shoulder.
“Actually, this look, it’s very...wifey”, Nathan told her sweetly, bringing his hand to her cheek. “It’s really demure, classic.”
“Classic?” Stana rose her eyebrows at him. “Sounds like you’re calling me old.”
“Never”, Nathan shook his head. “Because if you’re old then I would have to be prehistoric.”
Stana laughed at him, and he was, once again, amazed by the woman in front of him, and that she actually wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.
“You’re exceptional.”
Stana swallowed, becoming quite emotional. She leaned into him and pressed her lips to his in a sweet and loving kiss.
Behind them, many little voices began giggling uncontrollably.
“Alright, alright you lot, back to your painting and lego, nothing to see here”, Nathan teasingly scolded them, breaking apart from Stana to shoo them away.
The children squealed as Nathan chased after them and Stana watched, her heart fluttering at the sight of him with children. She bit her lip, suppressing the broody feelings that were circulating throughout her body, and looked to her side to find Mikaela tugging on her pant leg, trying to get Stana's attention to show her the picture she had painted for her Grandma.
Stana gasped in pretend amazement. “Mikaela, that’s beautiful, your Grandma is going to love it!”
Nathan finally got the kids settled enough back at their station where they had been quietly painting before he arrived. He walked around the little table, admiring each individual piece of art.
“Nathan!” Eight year old Felix, called Nathan over.
“Yeah buddy?” Nathan came over to Felix’s side and knelt down next to him.
“I saw’d you on TV at da Emmy awards.”
“Oh yeah...How’d I look? Pretty sharp, right?” Nathan winked at him.
“Um...My Dad said dat man dat was on dere is gay.”
Nathan blinked, thrown by the boy’s candor, however innocent in may have been.
“Um...Yes, yes he is. Do you know what that means?”
“It means he likes udder boys, da same as him.”
“Actually, he’s married, did you know that? And he and his husband love each other very much, and they even have two children who they are raising together.”
“My Dad says being gay is bad dough”, Felix told Nathan strictly.
For a moment, Nathan was unsure how to respond. He didn’t want the boy’s mind altered from something his own Father was impressing upon him, but at the same time, he felt a humane responsibility to impose some sort of teaching in acceptance.
“Well Felix, there are some people who are gay, who are bad people. But it’s not because they are gay, it’s for other reasons. There are men, who are in love with a woman, who are bad as well, but we don’t judge them for being bad people on the fact that they’re straight, do we?”
“But my Dad says a man loving anudder man is disgusting”, Felix told him, looking distressed.
Nathan carotid ticked as he found himself slightly infuriated with Felix’s Father, whom he had never met.
“All I know is that my friend Neil loves his husband very much. They don’t hurt anyone by being together, and their children get to have two very cool, very loving parents. Your Dad is entitled to his opinion, and he doesn’t have to be their friend if he doesn’t like the way they are, but no one in the world has the right to instruct people they don’t know on how to live their lives.”
“If you’re friends with him, does that mean you’re gay too?”
“No”, Nathan smiled. “I like girls, remember? One girl in particular”, he pointed over at Stana who was making play dough sculptures with a small group of pre-schoolers.
“So if I was gay, would you be my friend?”
Nathan’s jaw dropped slightly, but he managed to recover quite quickly. “Do you think you might be gay?”
Felix looked at him with more intensity than you would expect to see in the eyes of an eight year old. “I don’t know.”
“Do you...” Nathan paused, trying to figure out how to proceed. “Do you ever think about wanting to hold hands with a boy, or with a girl for that matter?”
“I kissed my friend Matthew”, Felix confessed, looking distraught.
“I see”, Nathan replied slowly. “And...how did you feel after you kissed him?”
“I wanted to do it again...”, Felix’s words came in a torrent then. “And he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend but den I thought about my Dad and how angry he would be wid me if he found out.”
“Come on pal, let’s go talk about this somewhere else”, Nathan suggested, as Felix began crying.
He took Felix’s hand and led him to the staff room.
“Is he OK?” One of the staff workers, Vanessa, asked him and Nathan nodded. “Yeah, we’re just having a little chat... All good”, he smiled charmingly and Vanessa smiled in reply and continued on her way.
“Come and sit over here, Felix”, Nathan led the boy over to a chair and sat him down.
“I don’t wanna be gay, Nathan... It’s wrong.”
“No, it’s not...But Felix, you’re only eight years old, and although I know you’re very smart and by now you probably know a lot about the world, I think it’s too soon for you to decide if you’re gay or if you aren’t. You will figure it out later in your life, but let me tell you something...Felix, look at me”, he grasped the boy’s wrists in his large hands and dragged them away from his face where he had been hiding in shame.
“You are a good kid. You’re kind, and the fact that you’re so worried about how your Father is going to feel about your choices makes that very clear. You love your Dad, and as long as you’re honest with him, and with everyone else...He should be very, very proud of you.”
Felix bit his lip, tears continuing to stream down his small face. “My friends have girlfriends and dey talk about da girls dey like...I like girls, but I don’t want to have a girlfriend. I like Matthew.”
“Matthew must be a great guy”, Nathan replied, his voice a little shaky.
“He’s so nice”, Felix whispered so fragilely it broke Nathan’s heart.
“What do you like about him?” Nathan asked Felix, deciding to treat this as if he were talking to a child about liking someone of the opposite sex - in Nathan’s mind, there was no difference, though he knew, in Felix’s mind, there was a massive one.
“He’s nice to me when some of da udder kids pick on me. He shares his lunch wid me sometimes and he has a nice smile and he’s really strong, he can pick me up.”
“Really? Wow, he must be very strong”, Nathan remarked.
Felix nodded. “Sometimes we go to da back of da school and we dance togedder...He takes dance classes and he showed me how to do da waltz, do you know how to do dat one?”
Nathan smiled. “Not as well as Matthew, I’m sure.”
“He’s really good at it...He told his Mom and Dad dat he’s gay a few months ago.”
“Is he your age?” Nathan enquired, surprised to hear of a child so young already coming out.
“He’s nine.”
“You know Felix, it’s hard to explain this to someone as young as you, but when you get a bit older, you might find you liked Matthew this much because he is a nice guy, but you might start to have feelings for other guys, or even for girls.”
Felix bowed his head, speaking with his chin buried in his chest. “I won’t... I only feel good when boys smile at me, not girls... Sometimes when Matthew looks at me, my heart gets sore.”
Nathan choked, trying to keep his own tears at bay. The boy looked so broken down, so devastated at his own predicament.
“That sounds like love...And whether you love someone of the same gender as you, or someone of the opposite gender, love can be painful like that. But one thing love will never be... is wrong.”
Felix’s lips trembled as he struggled not to cry again.
Nathan extended his arms to him and he practically jumped into them. Nathan suspected the boy was so desperate for someone’s love and approval, and just to be held by a man was probably something Felix had been craving forever - not in a sexual or necessarily loving way, but for assurance that someone who could protect him was there to do so.
“I’m here for you, buddy, and while you’re figuring this out, I’ll be with you every step of the way. You won’t be alone, I promise.”
Despite the boy’s young age, Nathan could feel Felix’s sincerity when he softly murmured “Thanks, Nathan.”