All the wasted years (2nd re-post} (1/2)
Hey everyone, I'm reposting this story in honor of Nathan's 50th birthday today! There's a few coincidental things in this story which have actually happened in the last few years since I last uploaded this (originally posted in 2014, then re-posted in 2016.) One sadly coincidental thing is the passing of Stana's Dad, Peter. Not as recently as one month ago, as is referenced in the story, but on August 31st last year.
I hope you enjoy re-reading this story and a very happy birthday to Nathan Fillion.
Peace and love,
Renee.
Title: All the wasted years (Re-post) Part 1/2
Rating: M
Pairing: Stana/Nathan
...
It was three years, eleven months and sixteen days since filming of the hit TV show 'Castle' had wrapped.
During that time, life had changed for the cast, as you would expect. Jon Huertas had married his fiance during the last season of the show, and had gone on to make a couple of movies, but mainly focused on his flourishing music career.
Seamus Dever's wife Julianna had gotten pregnant a month after the show was over, and they had a precious, little girl, Lila-Elizabeth Dever. Both still found time to do the occasional guest-spot on various TV shows, splitting their time very successfully between their professional lives and their home life.
Penny JJ and her husband had celebrated the birth of their first grandchild, and Penny had all but retired from the entertainment industry, though she played the occasional role in theatre and volunteered at a youth theatre company.
Tamala Jones was still working, and still professed to have no time for a man, she had made an impressive list of films since Castle had wrapped, and had also begun work on a new TV show, in a recurring role.
Susan Sullivan had done only one film, in which she played the grandmother of Molly Quinn's character, who was a goth-loving, sexually confused deli-worker. Susan character had met an untimely death during the first third of the film.
Molly had taken on several film roles, diversifying her film credits and exploring all facets of acting. She had also been married, but the marriage had lasted mere months.
Stana Katic had also married the man to whom she'd been engaged for several years - Kris. Their marriage had been trying to say the least, fraught with arguments and disagreements over Stana's career choices. Kris had assumed that when they were married, they would be by one another's side more often, but Stana was a thoroughly independent woman and she was not willing to give up the many career opportunities she was offered. Kris became jealous of Stana's success and demand, and when Stana returned from a 3-month long shoot in New York, Kris told her he was tired of coming second to her job, and that he was leaving. It had been a terrible shock for Stana, she knew her husband didn't approve of her working so much, but he'd always assured her how wonderful she was and how lucky he was to have her, so the last thing she'd expected was for him to leave. After being happy for so long, Stana was crushed. The divorce papers had been signed three years to the day, from the day of their wedding.
Nathan Fillion had landed a leading role on a new comedy show called "The Route", which was based on the life of a postal delivery man who constantly finds himself in precarious, and awkward positions. He had been in a relationship with Krista Allen for the last three seasons of Castle, and the year following that. But when Nathan had traveled to Canada to work on a film project, he had returned home to find Krista with another man. She had told him that she was in love with this devastatingly attractive, up and coming actor. To his credit, Nathan only smashed one of the lamps in their home, as well as both of his girlfriend's lover's car headlights. Following their separation, he had immersed himself in his work, and had taken every opportunity to appear at public events with a pretty girl on his arm (He had no problem finding pretty girls to volunteer.)
It was March 20th, 1 week out from Nathan's 50th birthday. He had just returned from France, where he'd been attending a press junket for "The Route". Apparently, the show was hugely popular over there. He was making his way through the airport terminal, simultaneously txting a woman he'd taken out for dinner, drinks, and a walk along the beach, which had turned into a romp between the sheets before the night had turned into morning. He'd left for Nice the next day, but had promised to call contact her when he returned.
He grabbed his bag off the carousel and turned around, his eyes still fixed to the screen of his expensive device.
Not really watching where he was going, he took a step out into the main thoroughfare, several people dodged him, but one traveler was not paying attention either, and she walked straight into him, knocking her bag from her shoulder.
"Oh, sorry", Nathan bent down to pick up the woman's satchel from the ground.
He raised his head at the sound of a sharp intake of breath. "Hi", she said, her voice filled with surprise.
Nathan gaped for a moment before recovering and offering her a surprised "Hello."
Stana and Nathan stood awkwardly before one another before Stana breathed an amused sigh and Nathan leaned forward to hug her.
The embrace was quick and slightly stiff. Stana pulled back and brushed her hair out of her eyes. It had grown, but was nothing like the luscious wavy locks that Nathan remembered her having once upon a time. It was straightened, and unkempt, as if she'd been standing in the wind without brushing it for days.
Nathan bit his lip, fighting for something to say. "Are you departing or arriving?" He finally decided on.
"Uh, um… just came in, from Chicago."
"Oh", Nathan smiled warmly. "Time with your family?"
"Um… Yeah, well, mostly just watching out for Mom...Dad died last month", Stana told him regretfully.
Nathan's smile disappeared instantly. "Oh man, I'm sorry."
Stana looked at him warily, not used to hearing him use this tone of voice before. Not used to him being so genuine. Not toward her, anyway.
"I've been spending a lot of time up there, I had some things to take care of back here, but I won't be back long."
"Can't Christina and your brothers be with her?"
"We're all grieving for him, and sometimes girls who have just lost their Father, need their Moms nearby", Stana told him rather bitingly.
Nathan blinked, mentally recoiling. "I'm sorry."
Stana closed her weary eyes, they were red. Nathan wondered if it was the Chicago wind that had made them that way, or the salt from her own tears.
"Have you been working?" She asked him, truthfully appearing as if she didn't really care to keep conversing with him, like she would rather just turn around and walk out of his life for good.
"Um, yeah, I'm doing a new show… seems to be going well."
Stana nodded. "Good, that's good."
Nathan gave her a half smile, still a little jilted by her appearance. "Hey, it's uh, it's my big five-oh next week. You're welcome to come."
Stana frowned at him, pausing pregnantly.
"Michael Trucco, Tamoh, all those guys'll be there", he said in an attempt to assuage her.
Stana simply stared at him, confused as to why he was even trying to convince her to attend his celebrations. It had always been glaringly obvious to Stana that her former co-star did not ever care too much for her presence, whether professionally or personally. He'd been grateful that she had been his co-star, due to the fact that their chemistry seemed to appeal to audiences, and that generated into money that kept him fed and clothed. As far as her thoughts or feelings or opinions went though, Stana was quite sure that Nathan only cared enough as was to be beneficial to him.
"Um, I…I should be back in Chicago by then." She told him, her eyes shifty, her jaw set tight.
"Oh, right, well if you do happen to be in town… I'm still at the same place", Nathan told her with as much cheeriness as he could muster whilst taking in her defeated frame.
She looked so different, so changed. There was no spark, no light in her eyes, no smile to dazzle all those who glanced her way. She had lost her fire. Something had happened to her, Nathan didn't know what, but he suspected it had happened long before her Father's passing.
"I need to go, I've got an appointment in Santa Monica at 1", Stana deflected, her voice small, damaged.
"It's good to see you, Stana", Nathan told her, his tone so sober, Stana felt as if she was talking to someone she didn't know. Then again, she wondered if she ever really had known him.
Her lips curled into an almost imperceptible smile. "You too."
He took her upper arm in his large hand and stroked it softly. The touch making Stana's nerves tingle.
She jumped at the sensation, as if receiving an electric shock.
"Take care of yourself", he said in a low tone and she turned her back to him quickly, muttering "Thanks, I will."
She soon disappeared from his eye line, falling into stride with the moving flow of people, making their way through LAX. She inhaled a long, shuddering breath, trying to calm her racing heart. His touch, their connection, after 4 years, was still as electric as the day they'd met.
Nathan sighed, still trying to fathom this new, depressed being that claimed to be the once effervescent Stana Katic.
He picked up his bag from the floor and swung it over his shoulder. Looking down at his phone, he read the half-typed message he was about to send.
Thoughts of his latest conquest now far from his mind, he hit delete and slipped the phone back into his pocket.
…
Stana sat in front of her TV, reruns of the first season of “The Route” playing. She bit her lip every time Nathan came into shot wearing his short shorts and tight fitting polo shirt. The years had certainly been good to him, she noted. Nathan’s character Ben had a girlfriend on the show whom Stana had begun to detest, simply because, she, like many other fans of the show, shipped Nathan’s character with the divorced mother of two, Anna who worked at the delivery company Ben worked at. Their ship name, unsurprisingly, was “Benanna.” Pronounced like Banana.
There was no other reason why Stana cringed every time Nathan and his on screen lover kissed. It wasn’t as if she was jealous or anything ridiculous like that.
Stana turned the TV to mute as the actress playing Nathan’s girlfriend began to talk, her voice was grating. She reminded Stana of Fran Drescher, only not as pretty. Stana’s mind began to wander back to a time when her and the man on her TV screen had actually been thick as thieves.
How she wished she had not felt so compelled to tell him the things she’d told him. She wondered how different things might be for them now, if she had just kept her mouth shut..
OCTOBER 12TH 2009
Filming for the second season of ‘Castle’ had gotten off to a great start. Nathan and Stana had formed a wonderful bond and professional camaraderie during the first season, and were both feeling very fortunate to have secured a great job for another year.
For Nathan, it was just good to have work, and it was the same for Stana, but she had not just missed the work and the pay during the hiatus, she had also found herself missing her co-stars; Nathan in particular.
In fact, Stana had spent many hours internalizing her feelings for the dashing actor, during their break. She loved it when the two of them worked late into the night, and would bond over their canadianisms and make pointless jokes about almost everything in the world, and then blame it on their over-tired, over-worked brains.
“Oh man, I really must be zonked, laughing at that one.” Stana laughed throatily following a rather poor joke Nathan had told her.
Nathan nodded. “Yes, my uh, my humour is best suited for those who are almost unconscious, or already there.”
Stana laughed again, blushing at her own amusement.
“Oh well, home time now, at last. I could live without these 3am finishes, I’ll tell you that.”
“Yeah, I know, they’re pretty harsh, aye?” Stana picked up her bag from the table next to her.
Nathan hummed in agreement. “Well at least the company’s good.”
Stana ducked her head into her shoulder, trying to conceal the grin that had overtaken her face. “Oh, I believe I should be flattered, Mr. Fillion.”
He smiled at her in a way that made his eyes crinkle, and her heart rat-a-tat-tat in her chest.
And then Stana did something she often did - she acted on impulse. As Nathan turned to leave for the night, she spoke to him to halt him.
“Hey, I know it‘s late and we‘re both tired, but I‘ve been meaning to say this to you for quite a while now…” Stana took a last breath of courage..
“Yeah, what‘s up?” Nathan asked her in the wonderfully calming and reassuring way he seemed to be able to exude so easily.
Stana faced him, but kept her eyes well trained on the wall to the left of him. “I’ve um, I just need to tell you that I’ve… And you might be aware of this already, I don’t know, I mean I’m probably really obvious, and so if I’ve been sending out signals or anything, I um, apologize for not just being straight with you, but I think this has just been pressing in on me so much lately that I just need to get it off my chest…” Her eyes flicked over to see his confused looking face and she sighed, thinking about what an idiot she really was sometimes. “I have a little something of a crush… on you.” Stana giggled nervously. “Well, you know, I mean a crush seems like such a juvenile term for it, but, well… there you have it”, she grinned. She looked at him and for as uncomfortable as he looked, Stana should have felt the need to run off and cry, but for some reason, she couldn’t stop grinning. Her jaw shook, as if her face was frozen that way, she could feel tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, her neck aching with the strain of holding back her emotion.
“Oh, um… I’m flattered, I mean, honestly-” Stana held up her hand to him and took a couple of steps back as stepped forward, chasing her as if dancing a waltz. “No, you don’t need to say anything, and you definitely don’t need to do anything, I mean, I’m not asking you for anything, I just… I really needed to tell you. You know, let you know where I stand.”
Nathan tilted his head to the side, addressing her like someone might address a small child. “I’m just not… looking for anything right now.”
Stana shook her head. “Hey, no it’s fine, I know you’re not interested in this, I just… had to say it.” Stana was afraid of how pathetically distraught she must have looked, as Nathan was glancing at her, concern etched into his face.
“It’s just that the job is really taking up so much of my time and energy, and I really would not make a good boyfriend…Seriously”, he laughed.
“No, no I’m sure…” Stana laughed in reply.
He looked so stumped, crushed almost, that if she had not just admitted her feelings for him and basically been rejected, Stana would have run up and hugged him.
“Yeah, I’m just gonna…I need to go… See you tomorrow, man.” Stana was gone quicker than a flash. The last thing she remembered seeing before she left the room, was the regret so clear in his eyes.
Regret.
Stana pondered exactly what the word meant. It could be used to describe someone who felt pity for someone else, which was a distinct possibility that day. It could also be used to describe someone who felt sorrow regarding their own actions, but Stana really didn’t believe that had been the case with Nathan, otherwise, why would he have treated her so coldly, and kept her at a distance, for the rest of the time they had worked together.
OK, so maybe cold wasn’t the right word for the way he had acted, but there was a distinct lack of the warmth he’d first shown her when they’d met. There was definitely a shift, a change in their dynamic, something that had been lost, perhaps a wariness that he’d developed toward her, a wall he’d put up to prevent her from trying to cross the barrier between friendship and romance. A wall she hadn’t managed to pull down since that day.
Regret was a feeling Stana knew well. It was the same feeling she’d felt every day since she’d told him of her feelings. What made it worse was that despite her feelings of regret tearing at her heart, her initial feelings of love had never lessened.
Stana was pulled from her thoughts by her cell phone ringing beside her on the couch. She picked it up and eyed the unknown number. Cautiously, she put the phone to her ear and spoke. “Hello?”
“Is that my girl Stana? I‘m pretty sure this is the right number, but it’s been so long since I heard your voice, I can‘t be sure.”
Stana laughed, openly and more joyfully than she had done in quite some time. “Well this sounds like my old pal Jon Huertas, but you know, it could just be some other Latino hunk.”
“Nope, you’re right, it’s the Latino hunk you’re thinking of. What‘s up girl? I haven‘t heard from you in years.”
“Yeah, I know, things have been somewhat rough buddy. How have you been? How’s your gorgeous wife?”
“Still putting up with me, thank God.”
“Oh, so marriage hasn’t tampered your outrageous personality then?”
“If anything, it’s accentuated it. She’s just as bad though, so it’s her fault.”
Laughter spilled out of Stana again. “That’s some deductive reasoning you have there.”
There was a comfortable silence between the two of them for a moment before Jon cleared his throat and spoke again. “Heard you bumped into our old friend Nathan the other day.”
Stana‘s body stiffened, she uncurled her legs from beneath her and sat up straight on the couch. “Did he call you?” She asked, trying not to let Jon hear the shakiness in her voice.
“Nah, I called him. We talk almost every week.”
“Oh well that’s nice… Least he keeps in touch with some of his old co-stars.”
“Hey now, if you guys haven’t been keeping in touch, then I’m gonna have to assume that you’re as much at fault as he is.”
Stana closed her eyes resignedly. He was right, and she knew it, but there were reasons why she’d kept her distance.
“Oh Jon, you know how exhausting it was to be around him, you always used to point out how awkward it was.”
“That was a joke, girl.”
“Yeah, but you were right.”
She heard Jon sigh and she shook her head, not wanting to trouble her good friend, whom she hadn’t spoken to in months, with concerns of her twisted love life.
Not that there ever was one when it came to Nathan.
“So he told me he invited you to his party, are you gonna come?” Jon asked her, not sounding hopeful.
“God, I don’t know, wouldn’t that just be really strange? I mean, I know he invited me but I have a hard time believing I’d be overly welcome, after all the things that they went through with the fans, and all that was said to her, I’m sure she resents me for that.”
“Who?”
“Who? What do you mean who? His girlfriend, well I guess she’s his wife now, I don’t actually know.”
“Are you talking about Krista?”
Stana’s jaw clenched at the sound of the woman’s name.
“Stana, that tart cheated on Nathan. Man that was like two years ago, haven’t you been following what goes on with him?”
Stana was stunned, unable to form words for a moment, she just gaped silently. “Well yeah, I mean, professionally, I’m watching his new show right now actually but, not really his personal… She really cheated on him?”
“Yeah.”
“Bitch.” Stana exclaimed on impulse then covered her hand with her mouth at her little slip up.
She could hear Jon’s coy grin as he spoke next. “He hasn’t been with anyone since. Well, not in a long-term sense.”
“I had no idea. God, I kind of feel like a cold-hearted cow now. I was pretty rude to him the other day and all he did was treat me very sweetly. I feel like I owe him an apology.”
“Well that’s why you should come to the party then. Kicks of at six o’clock, you know where to come, I’ll see you there.”
“I still don’t know if it’s a good idea”, Stana told him honestly.
“Don’t you want to bury the hatchet with the guy? I don’t know what it is that happened between you guys, but it’s been going on long enough. You guys rocked together, your chemistry was explosive, but I know the two of you had issues. It’s time to mend those fences, don’t you think?”
Stana knew the idea was dangerous. Being with him would bring back all kinds of emotion and wanton feelings. The kind she had when they were first working together, and with him being so nice to her, and with the both of them being single, it would feel like a test of Stana’s resolve to not try and seduce him. Then again, maybe the challenge would be just what she needed to prove to herself that her and Nathan could be in the same room and not be uncomfortable with one another.
She did miss his friendship.
“What‘s the dress code?”
…
The night of Nathan’s birthday, Stana pulled up in her car to find a row of vehicles backed up about a quarter of a mile down his street.
It seemed his popularity had certainly not diminished over the years.
She traipsed along the road, up to his semi-concealed property. When she stepped onto his front yard, she noticed a couple of young women standing outside smoking cigarettes. Stana smiled at them stiffly, trying not to inhale as the smoke made her eyes sting.
She approached the front door of Nathan’s home and rang the doorbell. It was soon answered by a bullish looking man, very tall and very buff.
“Hello, I’m-” Stana began, but the man simply waved his hand disinterestedly in the air, signaling for her to come in.
“Um... Thank you”, Stana said to the man’s retreating back as he made his way to the back yard. Stana assumed that’s where most of the party was, so she followed the same path, bringing into view, the sight of dozens, maybe even hundreds of party-goers.
Stana took in a deep breath, a little bit overwhelmed and slightly agoraphobic, she charged on ahead, just hoping a familiar face would soon appear.
And it wasn’t long before one did.
“Hey pretty lady.” A voice she had not heard in over ten years spoke from behind her.
She turned around, a wide smile already forming on her face. “Mike.” She walked forward, allowing herself to be scooped up into the arms of her former on-screen boyfriend, Michael Trucco.
“Ugh, it’s been so long. How the hell are you?”
Stana puffed out her cheeks as he dropped her back to her feet. “Ah...alive.”
Michael grimaced. “Ooh, that good, huh?”
“Yeah well, I’m here so things can’t be that bad, right?” Stana shrugged.
Michael nodded slowly. “I uh, I heard about your marriage, I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
Stana smiled sadly. “If it was meant to work out, it would have... How’s Sandra?”
Michael’s face brightened up, as it always did when he talked about his wife. “Twenty years since we first met, and every day brings something new and exciting.”
Stana smiled genuinely this time. “That’s great, you guys rock, you always did.”
“Thanks stunner”, Michael winked at Stana, and she giggled and the old nickname he used for her back in the day. “You seen birthday boy yet?”
Stana shook her head. “No.”
“He’s uh, he’s out on the patio, probably surrounded by a an endeared crowd, knowing him. Come on, come tell him you’re here.”
Before Stana could make an already planned excuse about wanting to grab a drink first, Michael took her by the arm and escorted her outside where Nathan was indeed surrounded by a group of adoring onlookers.
There was a chorus of laughter emitting from within the group as Stana and Michael approached them.
Stana purposefully hung back, uncomfortable with intruding Nathan while he was playing Mr. Charming for his gaggle of try-hard geese.
“Big guy”, Michael murmured, tapping Nathan on the shoulder.
“Yo!” Nathan turned his attention to Michael instantly, the grin to accompany his latest anecdote still plastered over his handsome face.
The false air he had been putting on for the group he had formerly been entertaining became very clear when Nathan’s eyes clapped on Stana. His expression brightened ten-fold as he took her in.
“Stana”, he breathed reverently, taking her in.
She was wearing a sheer golden-brown dress, lined in satin with a sequined bodice. The material covering her upper chest was barely there, and it showed off her luminescent skin which would make most 30 year olds envious. Her hair was done in an elegant up-do, flawlessly emanating Audrey Hepburn. At 43 years old, Stana Katic was as radiant as ever.
“I’m so glad you came”, Nathan told her in a tone that were it an action, would have been a caress.
Stana smiled tentatively at him, suddenly realizing that Michael had withdrawn himself from their immediate space. She knew the bunch of tag-alongs were looking at Nathan expectantly, and so she fought the blush which crawled up her neck as he kept his focus solely on her.
“It’s um... Been a while since we celebrated your big day together. Well, never have we celebrated the biggest of big days”, Stana chuckled, nervously wringing her hands together. “Happy half-centennial, Nathan.”
Nathan’s face broke out into a full-on grin, exhaling on a laugh. “Cheers, Stana.”
“Nathan!” A woman, whom Stana remembered as being Nathan’s agent, Deborah, brushed past Stana and handed Nathan a telephone receiver. “Bella’s on the line for you.”
Stana took a step backward as Nathan’s gaze moved from her to his agent. He put the telephone to his ear.
“Hello beautiful, I was expecting you to call earlier”, Nathan spoke sweetly into the phone. Stana sighed internally, she should have been expecting him to spend at least some of the evening unashamedly chatting up a woman on the phone, but it still wasn’t a conversation she particularly wished to be witness to.
“Stana, how wonderful to see you, Nate told me he’d invited you, but wasn’t sure you were going to make it.” Deborah addressed Stana.
“Oh well, I had a bit of time still, so I thought I’d at least make an appearance. I do have a flight out tomorrow though, so I probably shouldn’t stay long.”
“Well at least grab yourself a drink... doesn’t pay to be sober at these kinds of things, trust me, I’ve been the designated agent at enough of them to know.”
Stana smiled weakly at her, her eyes flicking back to Nathan who was bouncing happily on the balls of his feet while speaking sweetly to whomever was on the other end of the line. Deborah turned to look at him as well, and smiled. “Oh, this is just the sweetest thing. I don’t know if you know but Nathan is a godfather to Neil Patrick Harris’s youngest daughter, Bella.”
Stana’s heart made many motions at once. Unsure if her feelings of adoration outweighed her feelings of relief, or vice-versa. “I-I thought he just had the twins.”
Deborah shook her head. “No, the twins are ten, little Bella is six, David and Neil just adopted her last year, and Nathan is her favorite person in the world... Well, apart from her Dads.”
Stana returned her attention to her ex-co-star, who was chuckling into the phone. “Alright hunny, go get your Dad for me, OK?...” He rolled his eyes. “Which one? The cool one...” He bellowed with laughter. “The blonde one, and I’m gonna tell them you said that.” He laughed again and made kissy noises into the phone. “Love you too.” There was a break in conversation as Bella obviously exchanged the phone with Neil. Stana couldn’t help but let out a laugh when she heard Nathan say to him “Hey. I know you’re very committed to Dave, but are you sure she’s not mine?”
“Hey girl, you did make it”, Stana spun around at the very familiar voice of Jon Huertas. Before she knew it, she was being lifted off the ground in his arms. She squealed a little and he snickered, setting her back down again. Her eyes widened as she took him in, he had a shaggy beard attached to the bottom of his face, which she only ever remembered being clean shaven.
“What is this?” She said, raising her eyebrow at him, twirling a finger through one of his bushy curls.
“Oh, it’s for a role. Believe me, I can’t wait to get rid of it.”
“Yeah I’ll bet. What’s the role, Latin hobo #1?”
Jon gasped and pinched her in the side. Stana just poked her tongue at him and he grinned, hugging her again. “You look good girl, despite everything that’s happened, you really do.”
Stana nodded somberly. “Yeah well, it’s an actress’s natural habitation to play a part.”
Jon took her firmly by the arms, looking at her earnestly. “You gotta know, if there is anything you need-”
She brought her hand up to cup his elbow. “Thanks, I do know, and I really appreciate it.”
Jon winked at her. “Come on, I reckon we need a couple of drinks.”
“Yeah, I’d say more than a couple”, Stana replied, linking her arm in his and walking in stride with him, headed towards the bar.
...
Four hours later, the music was thumping and Stana’s head was starting to spin. Jon had disappeared out of sight about 40 minutes prior, after he and Stana had caught up on each others lives. Jon and his wife were thinking of trying for a baby soon, though Jon’s music career was still very important to him. He gushed over his wife and how he was mesmerized by her more and more each day. Stana watched him light up when he spoke about her and she wished she had someone about whom she could look that happy when speaking of.
She had no idea where Nathan had gone - there had been some speeches about an hour after her and Jon had hit the rum and coke, and although most of them were comical and lighthearted, Stana felt a deep sadness inside. She felt like she’d missed so much of his life, and perhaps of life in general. Like she hadn’t made enough friends, like she hadn’t done enough work, like she hadn’t become the person she wanted to be.
When it came time for Nathan to speak, he thanked his friends and family who were in attendance, specifically mentioning his brother, who was there with his wife and daughters, his Mother, who was unable to travel from Edmonton to be there, but was there with him, in spirit, and his Father, who had died in 2017, during the last year of filming for ‘Castle’. At no point did he single out Stana, not that she expected him to. He’d never done so when they were working together, so why would he start now?
Stana looked around, her head fuzzy, and her eyesight blurring, she squeezed her eyes tight to block out the flashing strobe lights that were accentuating the loud music. She felt alone, she felt lonely, despite being surrounded by a crowd, or perhaps it was the crowd that was causing her to feel that way.
It was getting late, and she couldn’t see her energy levels picking up from this point, so she stood up from her outdoor chair and made her way across the lawn, navigating her way around the mounds of people.
Entering the living room of his home, she tried to divert her eyes away from the couples who were engaged in drunken make-out sessions. She grimaced as she thought of how much shame many of them would feel in the morning.
She had walked down the corridor earlier in the evening to place her handbag in a locked room. The housekeeper who had stored her bag for her, checked her bag ticket and unlocked the door for Stana to step through.
Stana noticed that the housekeeper kept a close eye on her as she rummaged around through the bags and coats that were strewn over the king-sized bed in the guest room.
She spotted her purse and leaned down to pick it up, as she grasped it in hand, Stana heard the door close behind her. She stood up again, looking around curiously, and was met with the sight of her former onscreen partner and husband.
“Are you leaving?” He asked her, she noticed his black shirt had been undone one button more since the beginning of the night.
“Yeah, I shouldn’t be staying out too late, and I really need to walk some of this alcohol off or I’m going to wake up tomorrow with a killer headache, which will make the flight horrible”, Stana told him, looking for an easy out.
He nodded slowly. “So you’re flying back tomorrow?”
“Yeah, I- it should have been today, but, well I... Your invite was very special, and I wanted to honor it.”
“Thank you. I mean, I really did want you here, and I’m really, very glad you decided to come.”
“I managed to catch up with some of the guys, you were right, it was good to see them”, Stana pushed a strand of hair out of her eyes.
“Yeah, I know they were happy to see you...As was I.”
Their eyes locked and they shared a deeply intensive stare before Nathan forced his gaze away. “A few people were kinda shocked to see you here. I think they assumed we didn’t speak.”
“We don’t”, Stana said bluntly, the words falling out of her mouth without permission. Nathan’s eyebrows rose in surprise at her honest response.
An uncomfortable silence flitted around the room before Nathan nodded again. “You’re right... Why is that, though? I’ve...I’ve wondered for a long time.”
Stana crossed her arms in front of herself. “We both lead busy lives, lives that don’t include one another anymore... I mean, heck, even when we were working together every day, we barely spoke outside of the lot.”
“I forget why that was”, Nathan whispered, so solemn sounding that it caused Stana to tremble.
“I don’t know, I think we just became different people than who we started out being, and so we didn’t fit as well together as we did at the start”, Stana took great interest in a particular speckle of paint on the wall, carefully avoiding his eyes.
“Is that what you think?” Nathan asked her, his voice lower, as if he knew how dangerous the waters he was swimming in were becoming.
Stana’s jaw clenched, she was scared, and she was angry. “I think a lot of things... I think so many things that I just get tired of thinking at all, and then I just push it all away, I just leave it all behind, in the past, where it belongs.”
“Why do you want to push me away?” Nathan asked her, his tone so light it was if he was scared the room might collapse in on them if he raised his voice any louder.
Her eyes snapped up to his and she felt her blood reach boiling point. “Why d- Oh my God. Oh my... Why do I want to push you away? How ‘bout all the fucking time you spent being as distant from me as possible?”
Nathan flinched, but his face showed no sign of surprise. It was as if he had come into the room expecting her to blow up like this, maybe even wishing for it.
Stana continued. “How about all the ways you disregarded me, making our fans begrudge you and feel sorry for me, making them think of me as something less than who I was, someone to be babied, someone to feel sorry for. How about the lack of respect, the lack of time, the lack of decency that should be so essential between friends?”
“It seemed to me the idea of us being friends was never going to be possible”, Nathan replied calmly, but strongly.
“I would have tried, if you had given the slightest indication that you were interested in that!” Stana spat, her face reddening with rage.
“How the hell did you expect me to settle for being your friend after what you said to me?”
“What? What did I say?” Stana frowned, holding her hands out, palms up, in a confused and aggravated stance.
“That you had feelings for me, that you had a stupid crush, and yes, I responded badly, I didn’t do well, I was confused, I was unsure of what it meant for me, for us, and for my job, and I’ll admit, the direction our relationship took from there was due to my own idiocy, but it was not my fault, not completely, because I tried to do something about it, to-to fix it, to do what I thought you wanted, to try and make something work, but by the time I’d begun to come around to the idea that it could work, it seemed it had stopped being what you wanted. So I backed off, and I left you alone, forced into your shoes, I became the one who had to bounce back from the hurt.”
Stana was rooted to the spot, frozen inside her own skin. It was as if the sun had come out, but had melted an avalanche, causing it to tumble right down on top of her.
“I- I don’t understand”, she croaked. “You- what about Krista?”
“I settled for the best of what I could have”, he swallowed, blinking rapidly. Stana’s heart lurched when she realized he was blinking back tears.
She was making a man cry on his 50th birthday. A man, with whom, she was in love.
“You remember I was with Kate?” He asked her, not waiting for her nod, he continued. “The first time you and I kissed, I was stuck. I knew that it was over, whatever it was I had with her, because she had never made me feel like that. I wanted to stop fighting my feelings for you, stop denying the possibility of more, but you were with Kris by then... You appeared to be happy. I was jealous and spiteful and I became more distant and cold. I was angry at you for getting over me so quickly, for not giving me enough time to come around.”
“I was happy enough, Kris made me feel good, the times you made me feel so damn awful”, Stana told him, tears now welling in her own eyes. “But all the things I had with him were really the things I wanted from you.”
Nathan stared at her, open-mouthed, unsure of what to say. Luckily, he didn’t have to ponder long, as Stana continued.
“You never stopped being the one that I wanted.” She told him so softly. The silence in the room which followed her confession, was deafening.
“But so much has happened.” Nathan coughed out, his voice barely holding out.
Stana closed her eyes, unable to keep the tears at bay any longer.
She whimpered. “I know... And now it’s too la-”
She never finished her regretful statement, as her lips were encapsulated by a warmth she had lived with many years ago, but had only felt in her dreams since.
For the first time ever, Nathan Fillion was kissing her.
His hand joined her face, cupping it with a gentleness that was excruciating. Stana’s hands clutched his shirt collar, unable to resist the temptation she’d been fighting all night, she ran one sleek palm inside of it and stroked his warm chest. He felt the same, but better, warmer, richer.
They had kissed over a hundred times before, and now it was all so familiar, but so entirely different.
And when his silvery tongue gently parted her lips, they knew that through all the years they’d known each other, they’d been heading towards this moment.
His tongue swirled around hers, eliciting a low moan from the back of her throat. She slid her hand up the plain of his chest, curling her fingers tightly around the back of his muscular neck and pushed the pads of them down, digging slightly into his muscles, and making him moan in turn.
He picked her up, placing his hands on her posterior and carrying her as if she weighed nothing. She wrapped her long legs around his waist and he moved them both over to the bed. He dropped her onto it ungracefully, and she bounced, causing handbags and coats to fling off in all directions. Nathan alternated between lifting her lithe frame off the bed and using his arm to sweep the remaining items away. Once the bed was cleared of anything but Stana, he straightened himself up, so that he was risen directly above her. Knee-to-knee with her, he leaned forward again and began kissing his way down her body, his hands drawing the map for his lips to follow.
She squirmed against him, impatience already at the forefront. He pressed his cool palm to her breast and held her down against the bed. He slid his other hand under her back and flipped her gently over onto her stomach. He climbed on the bed so that he was fully straddling her hips from behind.
He pushed the delicate ends of her hair from the nape of her neck. Slowly, he undid the clasp on her zip, and began the long, torturous descent down her spine, placing a kiss to each knew inch of skin as it was revealed to him.
She shivered beneath him, and once the zip had reached the end of its line, he slid his hands inside the dress, lifting her up off the bed, unable to stop his hips from seeking her, he bucked forward, and she gasped. She raised her arms above her head, allowing the sleeves of the dress to slide down. He didn’t even try to resist temptation as he groped each of her breasts tenderly in each of his large hands. Grazing deft fingers down her sternum, he flipped her once more so that she was on her back, exposed to him from the waist up.
For a moment, he stared at her, transfixed on this vision that was quite alike so many dreams he’d had in the past, yet, so very much more.
Stana raised her hips from the bed, allowing the thin material to fall away completely. Now, only in her underwear, Stana felt at a disadvantage, but she also felt powerful. The way Nathan was feasting on her with his eyes, indicated to her that she was completely in charge. She wasn’t sure how much of that power she wanted to execute just yet, but she did know that it had been too long since she’d seen her former co-star without a shirt on, and the sneak peek she had been getting all evening, of his chest, had been tempting her to within an inch of her wits end.
Therefor, she lifted herself to a seating position and reached up to begin unbuttoning Nathan’s shirt.
He ran his hands up and down the length of her thin arms while she slowly uncovered more and more of the muscular torso she’d been missing the sight of for all these years.
When she reached the second to last button, she paused, the gravity of the situation catching up with her. Sensing her hesitation, Nathan ducked down to place an encouraging kiss to her mouth.
In that one kiss, all of her fear and doubt rolled away.
She swiped open the final button and he shirked his shirt from himself. Stana traced the waist line of his pants with sharpened fingernails. Nathan made a keening sound, biting his lip to control it.
She pulled his belt through its companion loop and tugged the buckle loose. She then popped the button of his pants and started on the zip. Tooth by tooth, the zip was opened, causing Nathan to whine loudly when his manhood was finally freed.
Stana sucked in a sharp breath of air when his straining cock jumped out at her. The size of it was something she had long wondered about, and from what she could see, without his underwear being removed, her curiosity was about to be addressed in a very favorable way.
She couldn’t help but lick her lips as she stretched a hand out to touch it. When it twitched against her hand, her mouth twisted in a grin, but the grin was soon wiped from her face when Nathan grabbed her rogue hand and pinned it to the bed beside her.
Using his free hand, he wasted no more time in ridding her of her panties. She kicked her legs free of them and was then gloriously naked for him, for the first time.
Time seemed to stand still for a moment. Nathan’s eyes raked over her body, leaving Stana feeling not exposed, but cherished. Much more cherished than she’d ever seen herself be in the eyes of a man before.
She knew then that this was destiny. The want in his eyes had been worth the wait.
He ran his pinky finger from her forehead, over her nose, lips, along the column of her throat, down the middle of her breasts, across her belly button, and finally, stopping at the culmination of her desire, he switched his pinky for his index finger and slid it through her folds.
She mewed, raising herself into his hand.
Nathan knew he would work the rest of his life to hear that sound again, if he had to. He took his hands to the elastic band of his underwear and slowly slid them down. Showing himself to Stana in his entirety.
She eyed him, a contented smile on her face, as if she had discovered a secret she’d been waiting to know for a very long time.
His briefs fell to his ankles and he stepped forward, kicking them aside.
One last look into Stana’s eyes, just to be sure her answer would still be the same...
Of course it was, it was the same answer she would have given him thirteen years ago. And he had a feeling it would not soon change.
He bent his knees and lowered himself down, his palms sprawling out on the bed to hold himself up, he eased into her.
“Gah-God!” Stana panted as he began to slide in and out of her. He hissed, his teeth clenching as he tilted his hips, using his lower back muscles to guide himself back and forth.
Moving deeper and deeper inside of her with each stroke, she began to loosen for him more and her heat made his flesh tingle delightfully.
His skin slapped against her skin, their thighs clapping together like a rhythmic, primal percussion being played.
Stana’s jaw went slack as her body succumbed to his movement, ebbing and flowing against the shoreline of his hips. She could no longer stop the high-pitched grunts emitting from her throat every time he plowed into her, hitting the very back of her inner walls.
She took hold of his thighs and stilled him for a moment. He looked at her questioningly and she tugged him down on top of herself, rolling them so that she was on top.
She smiled evocatively at him and he said a silent thank you to whatever power it was that willed time and fortune together to allow for her to smile at him that way again.
She straightened herself on top of him, adjusting to the new angle and almost squealing when the tip of him penetrated her fleshy walls once again. She sat for a moment, simply re-associating herself with his mass, before she began to move.
Reaching forward to take his hands in her own, she laced her fingers through his and pushed down on his palms. He pushed against her and together they set a new pace. Stana moved on top of Nathan, his strong arms holding her up and guiding her back down. She gasped for air repeatedly, her brow sweating. Nathan’s eyes became trained on her bosoms which were bouncing before him in a hypnotizing fashion.
He finally tore his eyes away from her tits to look up and see her face contorting in concentration. She looked down imploringly into his cobalt blue eyes and he knew what to do.
Swiftly, he pressed the pad of his middle finger to her clit, swiping furiously at it.
Stana screamed as his touch gave heat to her ball of nerves, setting her loins aflame. She cried out in search for release and Nathan plowed into her deeper, ready to join her there.
With one last swipe of his finger, he felt her begin to shatter around him. Gritting his teeth, he lifted her up by the hip to allow her to collapse fully before removing himself from her. He placed his hand on his shaft, but Stana, still writhing blissfully, leaned down to capture him with her mouth.
He gasped in surprise, then groaned as he immediately began to release in the delicious cavern of her throat.
Collecting every last drop in her mouth, Stana released his tip, letting it go with a pop and then licking his length for good measure.
Exulted and exhausted, she fell back onto the bed beside him, sleep attempting to consume her right away.
She vaguely registered Nathan getting up from the bed and donning a rob. He covered Stana with a light blanket and began picking up all the coats and bags from the floor and opened the door of the room. Muttering something to his housekeeper, he closed the door again, shutting out the light and noise from the party and allowing Stana and himself to return to their own secret new world.
The room turned dark as Nathan flicked the light switch, leaving just the light of the moon flooding in through the parted curtains.
His weight bearing down next to hers, Stana smiled and curled into his side. She felt light dampness on the top of her head where he kissed her, and only just remained conscious enough to hear him say “It’s never too late to be loved.”