there's something wrong with me.
something is making me nauseous.
it might be how uncomfortable I find myself now that I'm home. Because this isn't my life. this is some life I pick back up. Like that old sweater I have in the back of my closet. It's tacky and doesn't quite fit right anymore. But sometimes I wear it because it's there. and I feel bad...that I've been neglecting it.
poor sweater.
it might be how easily I forget what mattered to me.
what does matter?
no order.
my mom. my friends. my sister&brother. my way. boy. what's right. doing something important, meaningful. purdue. the rest of my life.
my freedom.
my freedom.
mmmm...when I got my grades back, I was pissed. But not because I had this desire to reach my absolute potential. not to show the world what I can do academically. but because I might lose my scholarship money, and then I can't do this whole college thing on my own without anyone else's help. because I don't want your help. your help means your input, influence.
alone
&
free
because when I hear you two are back together, all I can think of is 'wow, it's gonna suck when this goes up in flames again'. not only because I don't want you to be hurt...but more importantly because when you hurt, I have a commitment to be there.
selfish
&
free
because I may love you very much, but I don't want you to stay near me too much longer. I want you to graduate and move on. I'll miss you, and I'd rather have you right next to me when I wake up for always...but I'm afraid you'll tie me down too much. that if you stay, I sign some secret pact, that I'll follow you some day. that a year or two or more of your life that you spend waiting for me costs me a year or two or more of mine.
afraid
&
free
I often wondered if I had a selfish streak. now I know I do.
I want to be so free.
maybe I need to be a little more tied down. because too much freedom becomes it's own net.
it might be how uncomfortable I find myself now that I'm home. Because this isn't my life. this is some life I pick back up. Like that old sweater I have in the back of my closet. It's tacky and doesn't quite fit right anymore. But sometimes I wear it because it's there. and I feel bad...that I've been neglecting it.
poor sweater.
it might be how easily I forget what mattered to me.
what does matter?
no order.
my mom. my friends. my sister&brother. my way. boy. what's right. doing something important, meaningful. purdue. the rest of my life.
my freedom.
my freedom.
mmmm...when I got my grades back, I was pissed. But not because I had this desire to reach my absolute potential. not to show the world what I can do academically. but because I might lose my scholarship money, and then I can't do this whole college thing on my own without anyone else's help. because I don't want your help. your help means your input, influence.
alone
&
free
because when I hear you two are back together, all I can think of is 'wow, it's gonna suck when this goes up in flames again'. not only because I don't want you to be hurt...but more importantly because when you hurt, I have a commitment to be there.
selfish
&
free
because I may love you very much, but I don't want you to stay near me too much longer. I want you to graduate and move on. I'll miss you, and I'd rather have you right next to me when I wake up for always...but I'm afraid you'll tie me down too much. that if you stay, I sign some secret pact, that I'll follow you some day. that a year or two or more of your life that you spend waiting for me costs me a year or two or more of mine.
afraid
&
free
I often wondered if I had a selfish streak. now I know I do.
I want to be so free.
maybe I need to be a little more tied down. because too much freedom becomes it's own net.