Short Leters 6: The Twilight Edition
Dear Stephenie Meyer,
I was entertained with Twilight, New Moon had a little bit of drama, Eclipse had some twists but srsly...Breaking Dawn? Did you read fanfiction.net for the plot for that shit? Really??? And Renesmee? Were you fucking high?
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
You are hurting my feelings with those words. Tears are in my eyes. I'm gonna go listen to Muse now and masturbate while pretending I'm a 19 year old Vampire.
-SMeyer
Dear Rosalie,
You a bitch.
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
I'm sorry, I couldn't read your letter because I was too busy flicking my bean to my reflection.
-Rosalie
Dear Emmett,
I sometimes forget you exist. You should speak up more often. Also you should kill people. I would enjoy it.
-Tiffany
Yo Tiff,
Don't worry. I get my share done when the fam isn't watching.
-Emmett
Dear Alice,
You should help a sista out and go ahead and give me them powerball numbers. I got bills to pay.
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
That would be abusing my power....jk. 3 15 21 23 42 9. You have to buy me a fancy dress when you when. Nothing cheap either.
-Alice
Dear Jasper,
I don't care if you were born in the Civil War Era, that's no excuse for your hair or your cowboy boots. Mr. Bill Compton was born in that too and you don't see him running around lookin a hot mess.
-Tiffany
P.S. I'd still hit tho...
Dear Tiffany,
I didn't want to wear those. Alice made me. I'd be perfectly content in old sneakers and a gym shorts. Alice would kill me...she's so...scary.
- Jasper
Dear Carlisle,
I need a papsmear. Wanna do it?
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
My dear if you are in need of medical assistance I will gladly do it free of charge.
-Dr. Carlisle
Dear Jacob,
Being a werewolf that falls in love with a toddler after an uniteresting,undesirable girl rejects you for a pretty rich vamp is no way to go through life son.
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
I know. I'm an idiot. There's plenty of hot Native American ass on my land but I choose a little curly headed freaky cheek toucher.
-Jacob
Dear Bella,
Fucking Really? You should've let Carlisle give you an abortion. Maybe then that trauma might have given you a personality.
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
I had to do something to make Edward stay. Lord knows he will wise up eventually and leave my ass.
- Bella
Dear Edward,
Bella, huh? That spanish influenza must have fucked your head up. At least Rosalie is hot. I eat ice cream all the time, I'd bet I'd smell good to you too. And I can hold a conversation.
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
I know that now. After a year I realized that. If we didn't have this damn freak baby I'd be outta there in a second. I've killed deer with more personality.
-Edward
I was entertained with Twilight, New Moon had a little bit of drama, Eclipse had some twists but srsly...Breaking Dawn? Did you read fanfiction.net for the plot for that shit? Really??? And Renesmee? Were you fucking high?
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
You are hurting my feelings with those words. Tears are in my eyes. I'm gonna go listen to Muse now and masturbate while pretending I'm a 19 year old Vampire.
-SMeyer
Dear Rosalie,
You a bitch.
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
I'm sorry, I couldn't read your letter because I was too busy flicking my bean to my reflection.
-Rosalie
Dear Emmett,
I sometimes forget you exist. You should speak up more often. Also you should kill people. I would enjoy it.
-Tiffany
Yo Tiff,
Don't worry. I get my share done when the fam isn't watching.
-Emmett
Dear Alice,
You should help a sista out and go ahead and give me them powerball numbers. I got bills to pay.
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
That would be abusing my power....jk. 3 15 21 23 42 9. You have to buy me a fancy dress when you when. Nothing cheap either.
-Alice
Dear Jasper,
I don't care if you were born in the Civil War Era, that's no excuse for your hair or your cowboy boots. Mr. Bill Compton was born in that too and you don't see him running around lookin a hot mess.
-Tiffany
P.S. I'd still hit tho...
Dear Tiffany,
I didn't want to wear those. Alice made me. I'd be perfectly content in old sneakers and a gym shorts. Alice would kill me...she's so...scary.
- Jasper
Dear Carlisle,
I need a papsmear. Wanna do it?
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
My dear if you are in need of medical assistance I will gladly do it free of charge.
-Dr. Carlisle
Dear Jacob,
Being a werewolf that falls in love with a toddler after an uniteresting,undesirable girl rejects you for a pretty rich vamp is no way to go through life son.
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
I know. I'm an idiot. There's plenty of hot Native American ass on my land but I choose a little curly headed freaky cheek toucher.
-Jacob
Dear Bella,
Fucking Really? You should've let Carlisle give you an abortion. Maybe then that trauma might have given you a personality.
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
I had to do something to make Edward stay. Lord knows he will wise up eventually and leave my ass.
- Bella
Dear Edward,
Bella, huh? That spanish influenza must have fucked your head up. At least Rosalie is hot. I eat ice cream all the time, I'd bet I'd smell good to you too. And I can hold a conversation.
-Tiffany
Dear Tiffany,
I know that now. After a year I realized that. If we didn't have this damn freak baby I'd be outta there in a second. I've killed deer with more personality.
-Edward