Fic: 5 Ways Bradley Is An Idiot and 1 Time The Tables Are Turned (Merlin RPF)
Wow, so here's another fic to add to "things I did while I should have been studying", it's more Merlin because this fandom has completely raped my brain. I blame a deep-rooted love for Arthurian Legend and all things medieval that started in my youth. DAMN YOU BBC FOR MAKING IT SEXY TOO.
Even though this has nothing to do with anything Medieval... maybe the next one.
Also it is unabashed shmoop because I am not a talented enough writer to do angst, and it's a 5 things because I didn't want to have to think too hard about a plot.
Title: 5 Ways Bradley Is An Idiot and 1 Time The Tables Are Turned
Author: stalker_celly
Rating: PG
Summary: Colin thinks that Bradley is an idiot about 75% of the time, the other 25% is spent staring at his ass.
Words: 1,782
Beta: You can blame biancathecookie for encouraging this nonsense
1.
Colin never really thought of himself as a funny person, his jokes are always quiet and obscure and people have a hard time really getting them. It's not like he's boring so it's never really been a big deal, he thinks his quirky sense of humor is what makes him himself, it's not like he's going to change it, he's been working on his straight face for years.
But then he cracks a joke, something stupid that he doesn't even remember, and Bradley laughs, and suddenly it becomes very important. Because when Bradley laughs his entire body gets in on it in this enchanting spectacle of retarded flailing. His head is thrown back and his mouth opens wide and his hands are doing something stupid like gripping at Colin in a way that makes him wonder how it would feel being manhandled similarly in a much different setting. And he looks completely ridiculous but Colin's stomach drops down to his knees and he swallows and he has to look away but he can't.
So maybe Colin tries a little too hard to make Bradley laugh like that a little more often, and his straight face is replaced by what he’s sure is a similar retarded smile. For the first few weeks in France he’s positive that the feeling will go away; but Bradley is like some sort of toxic mould, he grows on you and you find yourself feeling silly and lightheaded around him without really knowing why. Only Colin knows why, he just doesn’t want to think about it.
2.
And the thing is, the only time Bradley’s stupid face is not being stupid is when they’re in the middle of a scene, and Colin has to think about him like Merlin would think about Arthur, which makes things about a thousand times worse.
One minute he will be looking at Arthur, stern lipped and determined, willing to die for Merlin again or defend him or even tell him off, and Colin knows how Merlin is thinking, about their destiny and about the stupid slash dragon and about a coin with only one side, but suddenly he feels it. Feels all the emotion that Merlin has for Arthur rushing up like he’s going to drown in it, but then Bradley is himself again and doing that stupid pout and tilting his eyebrow and Colin just has to wonder how the guy ever got an acting job in his entire life.
Sometimes he really loves Bradley’s stupid face, but that doesn’t have anything to do with the funny feeling in his stomach; that part is all Merlin.
3.
The first Buffy marathon nearly saw Colin running into the hills of the French countryside screaming in frustration. It didn’t have anything to do with the show at all, he barely remembered the show; it was entirely due to the way Bradley watched the show.
He had entered Colin’s room at 9amon their day off (completely uninvited, Colin notes) with a bottle of Coke, a box of pizza, three DVD box sets of Buffy and a dangerous gleam in his eye. Colin had rolled over in bed, making room for Bradley without really thinking about it, and slept through the first episode.
He learned that day that when Bradley had told Tony that he was “a bit of a closet Buffy fan” what he actually meant was that he was a raving lunatic.
“Do you actually know every word to this, or did you practice just to frighten me” Colin said, staring in horror at Bradley as he perfectly recited every line.
“You’re just going to have to figure that one out for yourself” Bradley grinned.
Two hours later Bradley was nearly on top of Colin, “this part’s good” he said, kicking Colin to remind him that the thing in front of him he had been staring at for the past three hours? He should really be paying closer attention. Colin tried to move his right arm where it was squished under Bradley, in that tingly phase of falling asleep, but then Bradley scooted closer to tell him something very important about the plot and he forgot all about it.
He still doesn’t remember much about the first season of Buffy other than she’s got a hot boyfriend who’s way too old for her and something about having sex with a giant bug. Only because he had seen that hypothetical scenario acted out in vivid detail and that sort of thing wasn’t something you forgot easily.
“Your enthusiasm is alarming” Colin tells Bradley, and Bradley just smiles his stupid smile at him.
“Wait ‘til I make you watch Supernatural.”
4.
When he had gotten to France, Colin had bought a dictionary and brought it around with him everywhere for the first month. He had taken French in school, so he had an advantage on half the people in the cast and crew already, but he liked to expand his horizons.
“You know, people could take that naughtily” said Bradley when Colin explained.
“You are a filthy pig” Colin countered easily, “Tu es un porc dégoûtant”.
“Je ne comprande pas, je suis anglais!”
“Je suis anglais aussi bien” Colin said, no longer phased at all by Bradley’s awful attempts at speaking French, singsong or otherwise.
“Voulez vous couchez avec moi?” Bradley says, raising his eyebrow in an over exaggerated suggestive manner.
Emboldened by the fact that he knew Bradley would have no idea what he was saying, Colin simply said “Vous ne devriez pas faire des promesses que vous ne pouvez pas garder” and smirked.
“I’ll figure out what that means you know.”
“Right,” says Colin, “I’m looking forward to it.”
It’s adorable really, the way Bradley tries, even though he looks like a huge prat whenever he even attempts the French language, and Colin tucks it away in his list of things not to think about too closely.
5.
“It was something about a promise!” Bradley exclaims proudly, sitting across the table from Colin at craft services the next day, “did I promise you something?”
“You’re an idiot” says Colin, and continues eating his macaroni and cheese, “like I’m going to tell you.”
Bradley pouts, “but I got the promise part right, right? Colin.”
“Forget about it,” says Colin “it didn’t mean anything, just forget about it.” At this rate he’s worried that Bradley actually is going to figure it out, that his rambled off French actually made its mark somewhere in Bradley’s brain, and when something makes its mark there Bradley will not rest until he sees it through. It’s a good quality most of the time, but it can get quite annoying.
“It means something,” Bradley counters, “when you said it you had that funny look on your face, and now you’re pretending like it doesn’t mean anything which means that it almost definitely means something, and I’m going to figure out what it is.”
Flabbergasted, Colin stands, “I’m going to go now.” he says, and does.
*
“I OFFERED YOU SEX” Bradley shouts, in the middle of a scene, in the marketplace, with twenty plus extras surrounding them, twenty plus extras who are now staring at them in shock. Colin is pretty much doing the same thing, because of all the things he expected from Bradley that was not one of them.
“I OFFERED YOU SEX AND YOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT PROMISES” continues Bradley, “BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?”
“We need to finish the shot” chokes Colin, trying to do something, anything to take Bradley’s mind out of crazy mode and back to the land of normal.
“No no,” says the director “you should keep going, you know, for the blooper reel,” and Colin fears that his entire world has gone mad. But then Bradley is laughing and the director is setting up for the next shot and all the extras are going back to their places and it’s as if nothing was said. He tries his best to swallow the panic in his throat before he delivers his lines, but it’s there for the rest of the day anyway.
1.
He’s feeling more relaxed again that night, back in his hotel room after a relatively short night shoot when there’s a knock on his door. It’s Bradley and Colin smiles thinly and lets him in, wondering why he thought it would be anyone else.
“So” says Bradley, “sorry about today.” And he does look it Colin thinks, standing there sheepishly on Colin’s threshold.
“Don’t worry about it” Colin says, shrugging, “you were way off anyways, but you gave the extras a bit of scandal to talk about.”
Bradley is laughing again and Colin feels a little more at ease, like he had never said anything and he didn’t have a funny conflicted feeling in his gut.
“No, it’s not like that” says Bradley, standing closer than really necessary,“I just, didn’t realize what it meant you know?”
“What what meant?” Colin swallows.
“I talked to Angel” Bradley says quickly, “and she said, well basically she said that I’m an idiot.” Now he’s grinning, and invading Colin’s personal space in an alarming way that usually means either great fun or much harm, “and that I should shut up and snog you before you break something stumbling around staring at my arse.”
Colin gapes.
“Or something like that” continues Bradley, rolling his eyes “there were a lot of hand motions and sarcastic comments and something about a sheep but that was basically the gist.”
“The gist?” says Colin, he’s going to kill Angel, kill her, no more pranks, just death. He feels the world spinning, because Bradley knows and now he’s probably going to kick his ass or throw him off the balcony or out him to the entire…
“Mmph” says Colin, as Bradley leans the little bit forward and presses his lips to Colin’s. It’s nothing like Colin expected, it’s awkward and stiff; which Colin realizes is probably because he’s still frozen in shock, so he eases up a little, reaches up to curl his fingers around Bradley’s neck. He opens his mouth when Bradley nudges with his tongue and Bradley is grabbing at his waist and Colin maybe makes a little sound in the back of his throat when he pulls away.
“You’re an idiot” Bradley laughs, breath warm against Colin’s lips, “you could have just asked.”
“Oh” says Colin.
“Yeah,” says Bradley.
I did thinks Colin, but he doesn’t say anything, because he figures he’s been enough of an idiot this round already, and besides, there are other things he could be doing, or undoing in the case of Bradley’s flies.
“Oh” says Bradley, and Colin has to agree.
* “Vous ne devriez pas faire des promesses que vous ne pouvez pas garder”* = You should not make promises you do not intend to keep.
Also if you didn’t get them, “Je suis anglais aussi” = I am English too.
“Voulez vous couchez avec moi” = Will you have sex with me?
I used a translator and the tiny bit of French I remember from 9th grade so if it’s wrong you can blame the internet and my teachers.
Even though this has nothing to do with anything Medieval... maybe the next one.
Also it is unabashed shmoop because I am not a talented enough writer to do angst, and it's a 5 things because I didn't want to have to think too hard about a plot.
Title: 5 Ways Bradley Is An Idiot and 1 Time The Tables Are Turned
Author: stalker_celly
Rating: PG
Summary: Colin thinks that Bradley is an idiot about 75% of the time, the other 25% is spent staring at his ass.
Words: 1,782
Beta: You can blame biancathecookie for encouraging this nonsense
1.
Colin never really thought of himself as a funny person, his jokes are always quiet and obscure and people have a hard time really getting them. It's not like he's boring so it's never really been a big deal, he thinks his quirky sense of humor is what makes him himself, it's not like he's going to change it, he's been working on his straight face for years.
But then he cracks a joke, something stupid that he doesn't even remember, and Bradley laughs, and suddenly it becomes very important. Because when Bradley laughs his entire body gets in on it in this enchanting spectacle of retarded flailing. His head is thrown back and his mouth opens wide and his hands are doing something stupid like gripping at Colin in a way that makes him wonder how it would feel being manhandled similarly in a much different setting. And he looks completely ridiculous but Colin's stomach drops down to his knees and he swallows and he has to look away but he can't.
So maybe Colin tries a little too hard to make Bradley laugh like that a little more often, and his straight face is replaced by what he’s sure is a similar retarded smile. For the first few weeks in France he’s positive that the feeling will go away; but Bradley is like some sort of toxic mould, he grows on you and you find yourself feeling silly and lightheaded around him without really knowing why. Only Colin knows why, he just doesn’t want to think about it.
2.
And the thing is, the only time Bradley’s stupid face is not being stupid is when they’re in the middle of a scene, and Colin has to think about him like Merlin would think about Arthur, which makes things about a thousand times worse.
One minute he will be looking at Arthur, stern lipped and determined, willing to die for Merlin again or defend him or even tell him off, and Colin knows how Merlin is thinking, about their destiny and about the stupid slash dragon and about a coin with only one side, but suddenly he feels it. Feels all the emotion that Merlin has for Arthur rushing up like he’s going to drown in it, but then Bradley is himself again and doing that stupid pout and tilting his eyebrow and Colin just has to wonder how the guy ever got an acting job in his entire life.
Sometimes he really loves Bradley’s stupid face, but that doesn’t have anything to do with the funny feeling in his stomach; that part is all Merlin.
3.
The first Buffy marathon nearly saw Colin running into the hills of the French countryside screaming in frustration. It didn’t have anything to do with the show at all, he barely remembered the show; it was entirely due to the way Bradley watched the show.
He had entered Colin’s room at 9amon their day off (completely uninvited, Colin notes) with a bottle of Coke, a box of pizza, three DVD box sets of Buffy and a dangerous gleam in his eye. Colin had rolled over in bed, making room for Bradley without really thinking about it, and slept through the first episode.
He learned that day that when Bradley had told Tony that he was “a bit of a closet Buffy fan” what he actually meant was that he was a raving lunatic.
“Do you actually know every word to this, or did you practice just to frighten me” Colin said, staring in horror at Bradley as he perfectly recited every line.
“You’re just going to have to figure that one out for yourself” Bradley grinned.
Two hours later Bradley was nearly on top of Colin, “this part’s good” he said, kicking Colin to remind him that the thing in front of him he had been staring at for the past three hours? He should really be paying closer attention. Colin tried to move his right arm where it was squished under Bradley, in that tingly phase of falling asleep, but then Bradley scooted closer to tell him something very important about the plot and he forgot all about it.
He still doesn’t remember much about the first season of Buffy other than she’s got a hot boyfriend who’s way too old for her and something about having sex with a giant bug. Only because he had seen that hypothetical scenario acted out in vivid detail and that sort of thing wasn’t something you forgot easily.
“Your enthusiasm is alarming” Colin tells Bradley, and Bradley just smiles his stupid smile at him.
“Wait ‘til I make you watch Supernatural.”
4.
When he had gotten to France, Colin had bought a dictionary and brought it around with him everywhere for the first month. He had taken French in school, so he had an advantage on half the people in the cast and crew already, but he liked to expand his horizons.
“You know, people could take that naughtily” said Bradley when Colin explained.
“You are a filthy pig” Colin countered easily, “Tu es un porc dégoûtant”.
“Je ne comprande pas, je suis anglais!”
“Je suis anglais aussi bien” Colin said, no longer phased at all by Bradley’s awful attempts at speaking French, singsong or otherwise.
“Voulez vous couchez avec moi?” Bradley says, raising his eyebrow in an over exaggerated suggestive manner.
Emboldened by the fact that he knew Bradley would have no idea what he was saying, Colin simply said “Vous ne devriez pas faire des promesses que vous ne pouvez pas garder” and smirked.
“I’ll figure out what that means you know.”
“Right,” says Colin, “I’m looking forward to it.”
It’s adorable really, the way Bradley tries, even though he looks like a huge prat whenever he even attempts the French language, and Colin tucks it away in his list of things not to think about too closely.
5.
“It was something about a promise!” Bradley exclaims proudly, sitting across the table from Colin at craft services the next day, “did I promise you something?”
“You’re an idiot” says Colin, and continues eating his macaroni and cheese, “like I’m going to tell you.”
Bradley pouts, “but I got the promise part right, right? Colin.”
“Forget about it,” says Colin “it didn’t mean anything, just forget about it.” At this rate he’s worried that Bradley actually is going to figure it out, that his rambled off French actually made its mark somewhere in Bradley’s brain, and when something makes its mark there Bradley will not rest until he sees it through. It’s a good quality most of the time, but it can get quite annoying.
“It means something,” Bradley counters, “when you said it you had that funny look on your face, and now you’re pretending like it doesn’t mean anything which means that it almost definitely means something, and I’m going to figure out what it is.”
Flabbergasted, Colin stands, “I’m going to go now.” he says, and does.
*
“I OFFERED YOU SEX” Bradley shouts, in the middle of a scene, in the marketplace, with twenty plus extras surrounding them, twenty plus extras who are now staring at them in shock. Colin is pretty much doing the same thing, because of all the things he expected from Bradley that was not one of them.
“I OFFERED YOU SEX AND YOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT PROMISES” continues Bradley, “BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?”
“We need to finish the shot” chokes Colin, trying to do something, anything to take Bradley’s mind out of crazy mode and back to the land of normal.
“No no,” says the director “you should keep going, you know, for the blooper reel,” and Colin fears that his entire world has gone mad. But then Bradley is laughing and the director is setting up for the next shot and all the extras are going back to their places and it’s as if nothing was said. He tries his best to swallow the panic in his throat before he delivers his lines, but it’s there for the rest of the day anyway.
1.
He’s feeling more relaxed again that night, back in his hotel room after a relatively short night shoot when there’s a knock on his door. It’s Bradley and Colin smiles thinly and lets him in, wondering why he thought it would be anyone else.
“So” says Bradley, “sorry about today.” And he does look it Colin thinks, standing there sheepishly on Colin’s threshold.
“Don’t worry about it” Colin says, shrugging, “you were way off anyways, but you gave the extras a bit of scandal to talk about.”
Bradley is laughing again and Colin feels a little more at ease, like he had never said anything and he didn’t have a funny conflicted feeling in his gut.
“No, it’s not like that” says Bradley, standing closer than really necessary,“I just, didn’t realize what it meant you know?”
“What what meant?” Colin swallows.
“I talked to Angel” Bradley says quickly, “and she said, well basically she said that I’m an idiot.” Now he’s grinning, and invading Colin’s personal space in an alarming way that usually means either great fun or much harm, “and that I should shut up and snog you before you break something stumbling around staring at my arse.”
Colin gapes.
“Or something like that” continues Bradley, rolling his eyes “there were a lot of hand motions and sarcastic comments and something about a sheep but that was basically the gist.”
“The gist?” says Colin, he’s going to kill Angel, kill her, no more pranks, just death. He feels the world spinning, because Bradley knows and now he’s probably going to kick his ass or throw him off the balcony or out him to the entire…
“Mmph” says Colin, as Bradley leans the little bit forward and presses his lips to Colin’s. It’s nothing like Colin expected, it’s awkward and stiff; which Colin realizes is probably because he’s still frozen in shock, so he eases up a little, reaches up to curl his fingers around Bradley’s neck. He opens his mouth when Bradley nudges with his tongue and Bradley is grabbing at his waist and Colin maybe makes a little sound in the back of his throat when he pulls away.
“You’re an idiot” Bradley laughs, breath warm against Colin’s lips, “you could have just asked.”
“Oh” says Colin.
“Yeah,” says Bradley.
I did thinks Colin, but he doesn’t say anything, because he figures he’s been enough of an idiot this round already, and besides, there are other things he could be doing, or undoing in the case of Bradley’s flies.
“Oh” says Bradley, and Colin has to agree.
* “Vous ne devriez pas faire des promesses que vous ne pouvez pas garder”* = You should not make promises you do not intend to keep.
Also if you didn’t get them, “Je suis anglais aussi” = I am English too.
“Voulez vous couchez avec moi” = Will you have sex with me?
I used a translator and the tiny bit of French I remember from 9th grade so if it’s wrong you can blame the internet and my teachers.