Call me what you want.....
But I am happy. I am in a place right now that gives me room to breathe. I finally am not afraid of my shadow, of time running out, or making the wrong decision. If I fuck up ... oh well, I will just make a wiser decision next time.
I realize that I used to do the same thing, over and over, and over and each time I would expect some new outcome, which logically would never come, because of my pattern.
When I was living in that chaos, I never saw the pattern, I never knew it was the same thing. I thought each time was different, each guy, each job, each opportunity. But it was the same every time.
I am finally learning how to be at peace with myself. And YES part of it does come from my belief and following of my Christian faith. Knowing that I am NOT PERFECT and I WON'T EVER BE, gives me a lot of freedom. But knowing that GOD IS PERFECT and WILL ALWAYS BE, gives me something to trust and hold on to. There isn't so much pressure to be always correct, and do the right thing (especially when I don't know what that is) because I am allowed to mess up. It's a part of life.
But I know there is a plan for me, one that was created by the creator of all things, who knows my heart and my truest desires are, and by that knowledge I have been blessed.
So call me a hypocrit if you knew the person I was, and see how I have changed. Call me a liar if you don't believe. But God knows how my heart and mind have changed and that I want to be healthy and not live in denial.
I realize that I used to do the same thing, over and over, and over and each time I would expect some new outcome, which logically would never come, because of my pattern.
When I was living in that chaos, I never saw the pattern, I never knew it was the same thing. I thought each time was different, each guy, each job, each opportunity. But it was the same every time.
I am finally learning how to be at peace with myself. And YES part of it does come from my belief and following of my Christian faith. Knowing that I am NOT PERFECT and I WON'T EVER BE, gives me a lot of freedom. But knowing that GOD IS PERFECT and WILL ALWAYS BE, gives me something to trust and hold on to. There isn't so much pressure to be always correct, and do the right thing (especially when I don't know what that is) because I am allowed to mess up. It's a part of life.
But I know there is a plan for me, one that was created by the creator of all things, who knows my heart and my truest desires are, and by that knowledge I have been blessed.
So call me a hypocrit if you knew the person I was, and see how I have changed. Call me a liar if you don't believe. But God knows how my heart and mind have changed and that I want to be healthy and not live in denial.