Thoughts on.... being unemployed
The count: 8 hours.
How are you supposed to feel? Is there a natural human response? Is there a generalized response set by society? I'm so torn, and just trying to look on the good side.
I made it through work today, for the most part, as if nothing were out of the ordinary. And then I got home, and felt pretty numb. If I weren't happy for my boyfriend, and happy for having him, I would still probably be sitting here watching Grey's Anatomy, and feeling numb.
All I've wanted to do at the end of my last few days... is drink. Doesn't mean I have. But I wonder whether I was seeking happiness? Numbness? Escape from the mild depression, I suppose. The depression that comes from being around unmotivated and depressed people.
I'm not sad. I'm not really angry. I'm sad that I don't get to work with Nick and Nick and Jon and Josh and Tish and Rich anymore. I lament the fact that we all got kind of screwed over. Big Ben, the most. But I'm not sad. I understand the movement of life.
From watching Grey's Anatomy for the last two hours, and watching their coping mechanisms.... regardless of the intensity of drama... the common pattern seems to be fear. After the shock, the pain, the anger.... even the depression.... I think is fear. The fear to trust ourselves, or the fear to trust others, or the fear of trusting life to be okay after an event when it WASN'T.
What am I scared of?
On a smaller level.... Having to go back out there.
The bigger issue.... I'm scared of having to assess myself and "figure out" what I want to do. Dealing with society's pressure to go back to work. To do something you love. And to do something that you deserve.
The bigger issue #2..... I'm afraid of taking a job and not being as happy as I was my first two months at Akeena. I'm afraid of the depression that can come from a 9-to-5 (more like 8-to-6) job that you don't enjoy. That you hate getting up for in the morning.
I know the responses to consoling those fears are. I don't need to type them for you or for me. I know that I will get over it, and I will find another job (whenever it is). I'm not perfect. Life's not perfect. And I will accept that.
For now... I'm going to cuddle with my boyfriend tonight. I'm going to try to enjoy my next two weeks at home. I'm going to try to keep myself busy with a balance of 1) things that make me happy, 2) things I am supposed to do. And for most of Nov 1, I'm going to Brazil.
More on that later.
-S
How are you supposed to feel? Is there a natural human response? Is there a generalized response set by society? I'm so torn, and just trying to look on the good side.
I made it through work today, for the most part, as if nothing were out of the ordinary. And then I got home, and felt pretty numb. If I weren't happy for my boyfriend, and happy for having him, I would still probably be sitting here watching Grey's Anatomy, and feeling numb.
All I've wanted to do at the end of my last few days... is drink. Doesn't mean I have. But I wonder whether I was seeking happiness? Numbness? Escape from the mild depression, I suppose. The depression that comes from being around unmotivated and depressed people.
I'm not sad. I'm not really angry. I'm sad that I don't get to work with Nick and Nick and Jon and Josh and Tish and Rich anymore. I lament the fact that we all got kind of screwed over. Big Ben, the most. But I'm not sad. I understand the movement of life.
From watching Grey's Anatomy for the last two hours, and watching their coping mechanisms.... regardless of the intensity of drama... the common pattern seems to be fear. After the shock, the pain, the anger.... even the depression.... I think is fear. The fear to trust ourselves, or the fear to trust others, or the fear of trusting life to be okay after an event when it WASN'T.
What am I scared of?
On a smaller level.... Having to go back out there.
The bigger issue.... I'm scared of having to assess myself and "figure out" what I want to do. Dealing with society's pressure to go back to work. To do something you love. And to do something that you deserve.
The bigger issue #2..... I'm afraid of taking a job and not being as happy as I was my first two months at Akeena. I'm afraid of the depression that can come from a 9-to-5 (more like 8-to-6) job that you don't enjoy. That you hate getting up for in the morning.
I know the responses to consoling those fears are. I don't need to type them for you or for me. I know that I will get over it, and I will find another job (whenever it is). I'm not perfect. Life's not perfect. And I will accept that.
For now... I'm going to cuddle with my boyfriend tonight. I'm going to try to enjoy my next two weeks at home. I'm going to try to keep myself busy with a balance of 1) things that make me happy, 2) things I am supposed to do. And for most of Nov 1, I'm going to Brazil.
More on that later.
-S