Open up my eager eyes

[stairwaytoparis]

I had written out this big long thing explaining whats going on with me and how it got to that point and how upset i was about it but it all just disappeared and I'm not going to go through it all over again. It was hard enough the first time. I'm just going to say that I messed up. I behaved poorly. I shouldn't have. And there was that moment before anything happend that I could decide what I wanted to do and I chose to make myself vulnerable. And now I take it. And I'm sad and I'm afraid and I'm regretful. It's hard to love someone that doesn't love you back. I just feel like I can't get out of it. I shouldn't have done that. How am I going to get myself out of this one? It just sucks when you always shelter yourself from other people so that they wont be able to hurt you and then you finally put yourself out there to the wrong person. And now when I see him everything he promised me will clearly be forgotten and then i'll be devastated. i just wish that wouldn't happen but i know better. i just dont understand how i can be so pursued and unloved. its my fault i guess. i love too hard and too fast. but you can't pick who you love. it just happens. and once its there its set in stone. you can't take loving somebody back it just doesn't happen. thats the worst part about love i think. you can't stop what you feel. no matter how hard you try. how do i get mixed up with these type of boys. I mean I love Juan. Its a constant thing even if he's not the guy i'm primarily concerned about. In actuality I'm concerned about somebody worst. Sad right... I just dont understand how I get stuck with these type of guys. How do they find me. How do they know that they can do that to me? How do they know that I'm the type of girl that will let them treat me that way? I'm a smart girl. I deserve better. It's so easy to want me. I don't think anybody is going to love me though. Because I love differently. And to know that my love is wasted on such loser guys is a tragedy. I'm not sad though at this moment but I will be when it all turns to junk. I just wish I could stop it from happening but I can't. I'm afraid and ashamed and regretful... which is unlike me. I just messed up.




PEOPLE I LOVE: U

never apologize never explain