I'm not sad though, I just don't know whats going to happen
So I don't think I talked about this. I can't remember when it was. I guess it was last week at the beginning of the week or something. Juan called and we argued about everything. What started it was the way he blew me off that weekend we were both in the valley together. I told him that I couldn't understand how somebody could love me and not want to be with me. I told him he was a liar and a loser and he had no idea how much I loved him and what a good girl I was. I said to him, "I'm so good for you and to you and you'll never have any idea what you've done to me." He said that I complain to much and that I've grown cruel after all these years. I tried to explain to him what a bad guy he way. I told him he was a bad friend and a bad person, but I honestly never said it to be hurtful. It's true. He is in fact all of these things. I told him he had embarrassed me. He had let me down. He had broken my heart. I said I didn't think he should call me anymore. He said he wouldn't. And it was over. Immediately after I hung up I regreted it. I wanted to call him back. I wanted to take it back. I made a mistake I think. But then my memories seep into my body and I realize how much I've let myself down. I always thought the worse thing a girl could do to herself is, while being aware, let a guy treat her like shit. He hadn't called in a while and I felt relieved. I thought it was finally over. And although I was still very sad about it I felt better knowing that soon I wouldn't remember it at all. He called last night. I stared at my phone while it rang. I answered. I shouldn't have. We had the same conversation. That why are you calling me / What are you talking about conversation. We didn't argue but we didn't talk. We didn't say anything. He said he wanted me to be there. I said no. I said you want me to be your security. You want me to be the girl that you don't have to give anything to but that you expect to receive things from. You want me to be there when you're sad or scared or lonely. But you want me to be quiet when you hurt me. You want me not to hurt. You want me to be an inatimate object. I wont be that person anymore. He calls that being a friend. I have enough friends like that. I don't need more. I explained to him that I honestly thought there was nothing left in our relationship. I think there's nothing left to salvage. I said I had to go he said he would call. I said ok. I don't intend on answering when he does. I WANT IT TO BE OVER. I WANT IT TO BE DONE. even now I'm afraid to be without him. i love him. i'll miss him. but i really do want it to be over. If I could just get angry then I could take him out of my body and my mind and my heart. I just want him out of me. I just want him erased. GET ANGRY.
THINGS HE DID
Stood me up on dates he made with me and pretended he was on his way
He used to make fun of my friends when we would hang out with them
Would say he didn't want to hang out with me if they were around
Used to ask me to be his gf then tell me he was with someone else
Would make me stay up late to talk to him when he wanted to talk
He would tell me how much he loved me then deny it the next day
He used to call me when he was angry and high to call me names
Made me promise not to cheat on him but would cheat on me all the time
Used to hook up with me then hook up with other people the next day
He came to what was supposed to be a romantic christmas date with hickeys
He lies to me all the time about important and little things
When we were a couple he came to a friend's party w/ hickeys
He stayed at that party for 15 min & then left with half the party
THINGS HE DIDN'T DO
He never got me anything on special days only 1 time in 7 years
He never remembered important days like bdays or anniversaries
He wouldn't talk to me when he was busy even if I needed to talk
He never tried to do something nice for me or tried to surprise me
He rarely did anything that he said he was going to do
He never calls back when he asks me to stay up and wait for his call
He never apologizes or admits that he did something wrong
He never talks to me about anything I want to talk about
He never thinks that I have a good reason for being upset
its never going to stop is it?
PEOPLE I LOVE: U
meet me in montauk
THINGS HE DID
Stood me up on dates he made with me and pretended he was on his way
He used to make fun of my friends when we would hang out with them
Would say he didn't want to hang out with me if they were around
Used to ask me to be his gf then tell me he was with someone else
Would make me stay up late to talk to him when he wanted to talk
He would tell me how much he loved me then deny it the next day
He used to call me when he was angry and high to call me names
Made me promise not to cheat on him but would cheat on me all the time
Used to hook up with me then hook up with other people the next day
He came to what was supposed to be a romantic christmas date with hickeys
He lies to me all the time about important and little things
When we were a couple he came to a friend's party w/ hickeys
He stayed at that party for 15 min & then left with half the party
THINGS HE DIDN'T DO
He never got me anything on special days only 1 time in 7 years
He never remembered important days like bdays or anniversaries
He wouldn't talk to me when he was busy even if I needed to talk
He never tried to do something nice for me or tried to surprise me
He rarely did anything that he said he was going to do
He never calls back when he asks me to stay up and wait for his call
He never apologizes or admits that he did something wrong
He never talks to me about anything I want to talk about
He never thinks that I have a good reason for being upset
its never going to stop is it?
PEOPLE I LOVE: U
meet me in montauk