Karma Police... arrest this man
I couldn't ever describe it even if I wanted to. There's just no way. This weekend was the most awful weekend ever. I'm sure this is going to be a long one too.
We finally got to Rio around I dunno I guess 6. We were fucking tired by then. We fell asleep for a while or didn't we. Can't remember. We weren't in a good mood I guess. We got to cruise late and by then there weren't as many people so it wasn't as exciting. After that we chased our friends around looking for this stupid ass party. It was so embarrassing. We waited for what felt like forever. It was all that GUYS fault. I should have known then that he was about to blow me off. I didnt for some reason though. I still that it was going to be ok. I had talked to him for hours on my drive home. I talked to him up until I had gotten to Laredo he said, "I'll see you tonight." After the embarrassment of being left behind we finally made it to the party. It was a lame ass party. It was just people in their own groups being stupid. There was no mingling or meeting or anything. It was just a place I guess. It was ok though it had its goods and bads. He ignored me the whole time. He must have said 2 sentences to me the whole night. I couldn't understand what had changed in the hours between us talking on the phone and us being at the same party. Everyone was asking me why we werent' together. I have no idea. Thats all I could say. By the end of that party I had tried to forget about it and have a good time. We moved when the party moved. We only stayed for a while at the second party which was at Darios ranch. It wasn't very fun there either. By the end of the night nothing good had happend. I was so angry. Why would he have lied like that? Whats the point? I dont know. The next day he called. He asked my why I was angry he gave me all these excuses he said he wanted to see me. I believed him I forgave him I forgot about it. I went to Ricky's party. I was having a good time. It was a nice chill environment. I was hanging around having my drinks everything was peachy. He got there later on. Same thing. He pretended I wasn't there. He acted like we didn't know eachother. I was so broken hearted. Sure I was never in love with him but he made me think that we were talking. I don't know what his whole thing was about. I dont know why he picked me. I dont know why he changed his mind. I just wish it had never happend. I was so bummed at the party. I tried not to show it. Then Cheezo got a call from a friend in Laredo. She told her somebody had hit my car and broke my tail light. It was awful. Why would somebody hit my cars of all the cars in the parking lot. I totally lost it. I just wanted to go home. I was trying not to car till I got to the car. I went to get my purse but it was gone. Someone took it. We looked for it everywhere. After an hour I just gave up and decided to go home. Then Elbert found it. He said it was on the street away from the house. Why would somebody take my purse? I just don't get it. I went to get it then we left. After that we drove away and while we did we drove right past HIM and he was with HER and they were hugging and such. We all know right. We all know what they were doing. Its just so sad. The first night I ever talked to him I told him I didn't want to compete with her. I guess he decided he liked her better. Which is cool maybe she's better for him then I am. He told me that first night that he would chose me over her anyday. I guess not that day. I'm glad its over. I hope it is. I hope I don't behave badly. I hope I can just close it, leave it, end it. I hope I never see either of them again. But when does it ever work out like that. It was the worst day of my life.
Sunday I felt like it took me forever to get back home. When I finally got here my parents were fighting terribly. They dont' want to be together anymore which is fine with me. I just wish I wasn't involved. I wish I wasn't caught up in that. I just want to live for me. Is that wrong? I'm grown already. I thought college would be my great escape. I was so wrong. I always feel so wrong. I always feel like I make the wrong decisions. I realized dad spent all our money again. There was no food at home. I was hungry and mad. I was embarrassed and disappointed. I love dad I really do I just dont understand his decisions. He saved 150 dollars. Thats how much money I need to pay the school. If I dont pay the school the money I owe them today I wont be able to register for next semester. What was I supposed to do? I called mom and asked her for some money. She said no. She said Dad had money but he doesn't. They started fighting worse. I shouldn't have asked her but we needed it.
I called Juan. He's not ever really there when I need him but he's always the one I want to talk to. Lizett... she's my best friend but something is different. I'm sure it has to do more with me then with her. I love her though. I'll never stop loving her. It was good to talk to Juan. I love him. I wish he loved me the same then I wouldn't be mixed up with other loser lame ass people. OMG if you only knew what a loser that GUY was. I could say ugly things that are true about him but I wouldn't do that. Well not right now anyway. I wont behave badly. My heart is so broken right now. Everything is so wrong. Boys, and money, and mom and dad. I hate it all. I just wish it would all go away. I wish things were good for once. I talked to Juan for a while until he left. He never did come back. I didn't really talk to anyone after that. I just wanted to talk until the bad was out of my body but it didn't work out like that. I should remember that next time somebody wants me to do the same.
I prayed that night. I pray every night. Even on the worst nights when I'm angry. I thanked God for the day that night when everything was wrong. I thanked him for our safety. I told him a lot of things. I asked him to forgive me for being ungreatful. I asked him to forgive me for all the bad choices I've made. I told him how sorry I was and to help me make better choices and be a better person. I asked him to make me stronger and braver. I asked him to stay with me until I wasn't sad anymore. After that I tried to think of what I could have done to make all this happen. I have no idea.
I really need it to get better about now. I'm so behind in school. I'm sad. My heart is broken. I'm afraid. I'm tired. I feel abondoned by my friends. I feel lied to and cheated. I feel helpless and hopeless. I feel really awful. And I dont know if I want to get up this time. These are not things that have created. All this stuff really happend. I don't think I'm over reacting. You would be as equally upset I think. This morning I got to work on time. I called the Financial Aid office and asked them how much money I owed them. They said they increased my grant to cover the 150. I was so relieved. I couldn't believe it. Now I can tell mom to keep her damn money. We don't need it. Now we'll be ok until next check. Here's a hard decision. Probably the type that makes bad things happen to me. I'm not going to tell dad. I'm going to pretend like I spent it. If I give it to him he'll spend it. If I keep it I can buy food. I can put gas in our cars. I can give mom back her money. I shouldn't lie. Thats' probably why bad things happen to me. But I don't care. I take care of me. I should have always taken care of me first. I just hope I do the right thing. And if I dont. I hope God doesn't punish me for it. I just hope I do the right thing.
PEOPLE I LOVE:
meet me in montauk
We finally got to Rio around I dunno I guess 6. We were fucking tired by then. We fell asleep for a while or didn't we. Can't remember. We weren't in a good mood I guess. We got to cruise late and by then there weren't as many people so it wasn't as exciting. After that we chased our friends around looking for this stupid ass party. It was so embarrassing. We waited for what felt like forever. It was all that GUYS fault. I should have known then that he was about to blow me off. I didnt for some reason though. I still that it was going to be ok. I had talked to him for hours on my drive home. I talked to him up until I had gotten to Laredo he said, "I'll see you tonight." After the embarrassment of being left behind we finally made it to the party. It was a lame ass party. It was just people in their own groups being stupid. There was no mingling or meeting or anything. It was just a place I guess. It was ok though it had its goods and bads. He ignored me the whole time. He must have said 2 sentences to me the whole night. I couldn't understand what had changed in the hours between us talking on the phone and us being at the same party. Everyone was asking me why we werent' together. I have no idea. Thats all I could say. By the end of that party I had tried to forget about it and have a good time. We moved when the party moved. We only stayed for a while at the second party which was at Darios ranch. It wasn't very fun there either. By the end of the night nothing good had happend. I was so angry. Why would he have lied like that? Whats the point? I dont know. The next day he called. He asked my why I was angry he gave me all these excuses he said he wanted to see me. I believed him I forgave him I forgot about it. I went to Ricky's party. I was having a good time. It was a nice chill environment. I was hanging around having my drinks everything was peachy. He got there later on. Same thing. He pretended I wasn't there. He acted like we didn't know eachother. I was so broken hearted. Sure I was never in love with him but he made me think that we were talking. I don't know what his whole thing was about. I dont know why he picked me. I dont know why he changed his mind. I just wish it had never happend. I was so bummed at the party. I tried not to show it. Then Cheezo got a call from a friend in Laredo. She told her somebody had hit my car and broke my tail light. It was awful. Why would somebody hit my cars of all the cars in the parking lot. I totally lost it. I just wanted to go home. I was trying not to car till I got to the car. I went to get my purse but it was gone. Someone took it. We looked for it everywhere. After an hour I just gave up and decided to go home. Then Elbert found it. He said it was on the street away from the house. Why would somebody take my purse? I just don't get it. I went to get it then we left. After that we drove away and while we did we drove right past HIM and he was with HER and they were hugging and such. We all know right. We all know what they were doing. Its just so sad. The first night I ever talked to him I told him I didn't want to compete with her. I guess he decided he liked her better. Which is cool maybe she's better for him then I am. He told me that first night that he would chose me over her anyday. I guess not that day. I'm glad its over. I hope it is. I hope I don't behave badly. I hope I can just close it, leave it, end it. I hope I never see either of them again. But when does it ever work out like that. It was the worst day of my life.
Sunday I felt like it took me forever to get back home. When I finally got here my parents were fighting terribly. They dont' want to be together anymore which is fine with me. I just wish I wasn't involved. I wish I wasn't caught up in that. I just want to live for me. Is that wrong? I'm grown already. I thought college would be my great escape. I was so wrong. I always feel so wrong. I always feel like I make the wrong decisions. I realized dad spent all our money again. There was no food at home. I was hungry and mad. I was embarrassed and disappointed. I love dad I really do I just dont understand his decisions. He saved 150 dollars. Thats how much money I need to pay the school. If I dont pay the school the money I owe them today I wont be able to register for next semester. What was I supposed to do? I called mom and asked her for some money. She said no. She said Dad had money but he doesn't. They started fighting worse. I shouldn't have asked her but we needed it.
I called Juan. He's not ever really there when I need him but he's always the one I want to talk to. Lizett... she's my best friend but something is different. I'm sure it has to do more with me then with her. I love her though. I'll never stop loving her. It was good to talk to Juan. I love him. I wish he loved me the same then I wouldn't be mixed up with other loser lame ass people. OMG if you only knew what a loser that GUY was. I could say ugly things that are true about him but I wouldn't do that. Well not right now anyway. I wont behave badly. My heart is so broken right now. Everything is so wrong. Boys, and money, and mom and dad. I hate it all. I just wish it would all go away. I wish things were good for once. I talked to Juan for a while until he left. He never did come back. I didn't really talk to anyone after that. I just wanted to talk until the bad was out of my body but it didn't work out like that. I should remember that next time somebody wants me to do the same.
I prayed that night. I pray every night. Even on the worst nights when I'm angry. I thanked God for the day that night when everything was wrong. I thanked him for our safety. I told him a lot of things. I asked him to forgive me for being ungreatful. I asked him to forgive me for all the bad choices I've made. I told him how sorry I was and to help me make better choices and be a better person. I asked him to make me stronger and braver. I asked him to stay with me until I wasn't sad anymore. After that I tried to think of what I could have done to make all this happen. I have no idea.
I really need it to get better about now. I'm so behind in school. I'm sad. My heart is broken. I'm afraid. I'm tired. I feel abondoned by my friends. I feel lied to and cheated. I feel helpless and hopeless. I feel really awful. And I dont know if I want to get up this time. These are not things that have created. All this stuff really happend. I don't think I'm over reacting. You would be as equally upset I think. This morning I got to work on time. I called the Financial Aid office and asked them how much money I owed them. They said they increased my grant to cover the 150. I was so relieved. I couldn't believe it. Now I can tell mom to keep her damn money. We don't need it. Now we'll be ok until next check. Here's a hard decision. Probably the type that makes bad things happen to me. I'm not going to tell dad. I'm going to pretend like I spent it. If I give it to him he'll spend it. If I keep it I can buy food. I can put gas in our cars. I can give mom back her money. I shouldn't lie. Thats' probably why bad things happen to me. But I don't care. I take care of me. I should have always taken care of me first. I just hope I do the right thing. And if I dont. I hope God doesn't punish me for it. I just hope I do the right thing.
PEOPLE I LOVE:
meet me in montauk