if this is wrong
If this is wrong
Jonghyun/Key, Jonghyun/Onew, Onew/Key, Key/Nicole
2256 words, r
If this is wrong
within my heart, the pounding sound won't stop
i can feel that i'm alive, i love you.
- because i missed your heart, hwanhee
"I like you," Jonghyun says. Jinki's eyes flicker, and he is biting his lower lip. Jonghyun takes a step closer, cornering Jinki against the wall.
"Jonghyun," Jinki says. His voice cracks, and the way he says Jonghyun's name, it's like he's begging him not to do this. "I - Kibum. I can't."
Jonghyun would probably feel hurt if he hadn't been expecting this response already. He smiles a little. Jinki is Jinki, always so easy to predict. The others are all out for their respective schedules; they are the only two in the apartment, and nobody is due to come back in at least an hour. Jonghyun presses his palms flat against the wall and slides closer, moulding his body against Jinki's, watching as Jinki's eyes slip shut. "No one will know," Jonghyun whispers, and Jinki's adam's apple bobs as he swallows.
"Jonghyun," Jinki repeats, but this time the name is lost amongst the clash of teeth and tongues when Jonghyun bridges the gap and kisses him, all the while thinking if this is wrong, I never want to be right.
-
When they fuck, it is hard and rough and fast, and Jonghyun keeps his gaze fixed on the clock hanging on the wall as Jinki comes undone in his arms. After that, Jonghyun trudges off to the bathroom. He spends ten minutes scrubbing at his skin until there is no trace of Jinki left on him, but when he steps out and sees Kibum standing there saying hurry up you jerk I need to pee, he realizes that some things like guilt can never be washed off.
-
Backstage, Jonghyun peels off his shirt languidly, grinning a little when he feels the burn of Jinki's gaze on him. "I need to talk to Jinki-hyung," he announces, grabbing Jinki's wrist.
Kibum meets his gaze through the mirror. A coordi-noona is fussing over his hair, and after a tense minute, Kibum shrugs. "The van's leaving in twenty minutes," he reminds.
Jonghyun nods, tugging Jinki down the corridor and into the bathroom, kicking the door shut behind them and locking it.
"What if someone needs to pee," Jinki says, glancing down at Jonghyun, who's already on his knees.
Jonghyun laughs. "They can wait," he says.
Jinki looks like he's about to protest, but then Jonghyun is unzipping his jeans, saying we only have less than twenty minutes so shut up, and then Jinki closes his eyes and leans his head against the wall. "Hurry up Jonghyun-ah," he says. "We don't have all the time in the world so stop teasing."
We don't have all the time in the world.
-
Everyone else is asleep. Taemin and Minho have their heads pressed together, and Kibum is huddled up in one corner, arms curled around his knees. Jinki's eyes are shut and his mouth is slightly open, and Jonghyun smiles. He grabs his jacket, spreading it over his body and Jinki's, then slides his fingers into Jinki's pants, stroking him to a fever.
Jinki's eyes snap open after a while, and he startles when he sees Jonghyun. "What are you doing," Jinki hisses.
Jonghyun pastes his best innocent look onto his face. "Nothing," he answers, swiping a finger along the underside of Jinki's length, and Jinki squeezes his eyes shut and presses his nails into the soft leather of the car seat.
Jinki hasn't come by the time they reach their apartment, and Jonghyun simply gives him a smirk when Jinki glares at him, eyes dark and hooded. In the lift, Kibum settles his head on Jinki's shoulder, eyes fluttering in half-sleep, and Jonghyun forces himself to glance away, fingers balling up into fists by his side.
-
They were bound to get caught. To be honest, Jonghyun never thought they'd get away with it forever, he just hadn't expected it to be so soon.
"How long have the two of you been fucking behind my back," Kibum says flatly. His eyes have always contained his deepest feelings, and throughout all these years Jonghyun has learned to read Kibum's gaze like a book - right now his eyes are full of something like anger and disappointment and hurt.
"Kibum," Jinki tries, and Jonghyun shakes his head at Jinki because he knows Kibum like the back of his hand, knows that whenever Kibum is one of his moods he never stops to listen.
"You're unbelievable," Kibum says, and Jonghyun's not sure if he's directing the statement at him or Jinki. "My boyfriend and my best friend, the two people I trust - trusted - the most in the entire world."
Jonghyun wonders what Kibum will do. Ever since they've been best friends, whenever Kibum is sad or angry or frustrated, he will look for Jonghyun, who will cheer him up with a silly joke or tight hug or it's okay don't cry I am still here for you. In a way, Kibum has always been overly reliant on Jonghyun's presence, rarely letting anyone else past his tightest defenses. But now what?
Kibum seems to be thinking the same thing as Jonghyun, because his gaze flicks towards him, and this is one of the few rare times Jonghyun has seen Kibum look so lost and confused and afraid.
When Kibum finally turns and leaves with his head held high, Jonghyun almost runs after him, but Jinki is gripping his arm with wide, panicky eyes, anchoring him to where he's standing and to a life without Kibum.
-
"I told him I can't be with him anymore," Jinki says quietly.
Jonghyun has his face buried in his pillow, and he freezes when Jinki touches his back, sliding a light finger down his spine. "I'm really tired," Jonghyun murmurs into the pillow.
"Okay," Jinki says, and the bed creaks as Jinki clambers off. "Go to sleep, Jonghyun-ah."
The light flickers off, and before Jinki leaves, he says, "I love you, good night."
This is not the way things are supposed to be, Jonghyun thinks. When he shutters his eyes shut, the image of Kibum swims into his mind once again, and he clenches his fists around the blankets and what is left of his heart.
-
Kibum pointedly refuses to speak to him or Jinki, turning his attention to Minho and Taemin instead. Taemin is a little unsure and confused, but the look on Minho's face makes Jonghyun think that Minho has quite a clear idea of what's going on right now.
The strangest - and the worst - part is, whenever Jinki smiles at him or slips his arms around him, Jonghyun doesn't even feel relieved or happy at all, just an inexplicable sense of loss as he mouths Kibum's name against the smooth skin of Jinki's bare shoulder.
-
It is three weeks later when he hears the filter of Kibum's voice, and he peers in through the crack of the door to see Kibum sitting in an empty practice room with Minho.
"I miss him," Kibum says. "But how am I supposed to trust him again?"
The guilt is eating away at Jonghyun's heart like some kind of acid, and Jonghyun closes his eyes, leaning his head against the door.
"But Jonghyun-hyung's always been your best friend."
The sound of his name makes him jerk his head up, eyes fluttering open in surprise. He'd thought Kibum was talking about Jinki, and when he stares at Kibum sitting there tapping his fingers against the floor, his heart clenches.
"I know," Kibum is saying. He's gotten a lot skinnier; his cheekbones look like they're sharp enough to slice paper, and his elbows are all bony. "But still. Anyway, let's change a topic."
"Okay," Minho says agreeably. "How are you and Nicole?"
Kibum tilts his head so his fringe falls into his eyes, hiding his rawest emotions. "Nice," he says, smiling a little. "My mother would be so proud, don't you think?"
Jung Nicole. Jonghyun thinks about the way her short hair frames her face, how she always smiles sweetly whenever they meet backstage, the number of times her name has cropped up in Kibum's phone inbox. Jonghyun makes a strangled noise, and their eyes meet when Kibum glances through the crack of the door and straight at him.
He's gotten it wrong all along, he's gotten it completely wrong. When he thinks of love, he doesn't think of Jinki. He thinks of the way Kibum's smile always starts from the left then spreads to the right, of trainee days spent with Kibum talking about the future and debuting and performing onstage, of the hug Kibum had given him when they were backstage preparing to show the world what they could do for the very first time, of the temperature of Kibum's hands and the voltage of his brightest smile.
He thinks of the ache in his chest when Kibum told him he was dating Jinki, of how he'd spent the days after that staring at Jinki. Now he realizes it's not because he'd been in love with Jinki all along, but because he was wondering what Jinki had that he didn't, to have the ability to let the almighty Kim Kibum fall in love with him.
And then he thinks of the dullness in Kibum's eyes when he'd caught them, of Jinki smiling at him while saying I love you, of how he's single-handedly fucked everything - all their lives - up because of his selfishness and utter stupidity.
Kibum is still looking at him. Jonghyun turns and runs until he reaches the bathroom, vomits until his stomach is as empty as his heart.
-
"I have to tell you something," Jonghyun tells Kibum. He has never been so desperate in his life, certain that if he doesn't tell Kibum, he will live in regret for the rest of his entire life.
"Let me say something first," Kibum says. When Kibum lifts his hand up to brush the hair out of his eyes there is a flash of silver, identical to the ring Jonghyun had seen Nicole wearing the day before.
"The thing is," Kibum continues. "I promised Nicole I'd tell you the truth so listen to me, okay?"
Jonghyun nods mutely, aware of how sweaty his palms are and how loud his heart is beating. "I don't now if you noticed," Kibum says. "But during our trainee days, I really liked you."
Jonghyun can feel the blood rushing out of his face, and Kibum is looking at him all knowingly. "I knew it," Kibum says, smiling wryly. "You've always been so dense, Kim Jonghyun."
"Then," Jonghyun says, fumbling to string his thoughts into words. "Jinki-hyung..."
Kibum laughs a little. "That was a mistake, kind of," he explains. "I just thought maybe if I dated him I'd be able to make you jealous, or at the very least, forget you."
Oh God, Jonghyun thinks. He sways a little on his feet, dizzy with the knowledge that if he'd been a little faster in realizing his feelings, if Kibum had just told him the truth earlier, all of them wouldn't be as broken as they are right now.
"Now?" Jonghyun manages to squeeze out, but the sad spark in Kibum's eyes already tells him the answer to Jonghyun's question.
"Now, I love Nicole." Kibum says. "I'm not leaving her." His voice is soft and calm, breaking over Jonghyun like the slow roll of waves, and in this instant, Jonghyun sees all the things they could have had, but will never get to have.
"Oh," Jonghyun says weakly. "Okay."
Kibum regards him for a while, the two of them standing there in uncharacteristic silence. "What did you want to tell me?"
Jonghyun blinks, then glances away. "Nothing," he says. "Nothing at all."
Kibum's smile blooms across his face so brightly Jonghyun is forced to look at him, like a flower attracted to sunlight. "Don't lie," Kibum says. "You've always been a terrible liar."
Jonghyun thinks if he'd really been that bad a liar, he wouldn't have been able to have lied to himself for such a long time. "Nothing that matters to you," he corrects anyway.
"You like me, don't you," Kibum says.
Jonghyun jerks his head up, startled. "That's a statement," he points out, and Kibum shrugs, his smile dimming a little.
"It's still the truth," Kibum answers.
Jonghyun is silent and still, and Kibum breathes out a sigh, running his fingers through his streaked hair. "How did we end up like this?" Kibum wonders out loud, and Jonghyun smiles back at him wryly.
"Like what," Jonghyun wants to know. "Being so fucked up?"
Kibum laughs with his head tipped back, and Jonghyun wonders how long it'll take before his heart will stop aching whenever he sees Kibum, how long it'll take for him to forget, how long it'll take for him to fall in love with someone else.
"Hey," Kibum says suddenly, and Jonghyun just looks at him with an eyebrow raised. "You'll get over it. I mean, I know that I'm really attractive and all, but."
Jonghyun snorts and Kibum smiles at him with crinkled eyes. "Yeah, yeah," Jonghyun says, and Kibum goes towards him, loops an arm through Jonghyun's.
"You are wonderful," Kibum tells him, and Jonghyun shuts his eyes, listening to Kibum's voice, so close yet so far. "You'll be happier without me, trust me. I moodswing all the time and I'd nag at you to clean up your room and annoy you twentyfour-seven."
But these are part of the long list as to why Jonghyun fell for Kibum in the first place. He doesn't say anything, just listens to Kibum coax him out of reality and into a happier place, wishing that someday he will look back at this and think that Kibum was right.
Jonghyun/Key, Jonghyun/Onew, Onew/Key, Key/Nicole
2256 words, r
If this is wrong
within my heart, the pounding sound won't stop
i can feel that i'm alive, i love you.
- because i missed your heart, hwanhee
"I like you," Jonghyun says. Jinki's eyes flicker, and he is biting his lower lip. Jonghyun takes a step closer, cornering Jinki against the wall.
"Jonghyun," Jinki says. His voice cracks, and the way he says Jonghyun's name, it's like he's begging him not to do this. "I - Kibum. I can't."
Jonghyun would probably feel hurt if he hadn't been expecting this response already. He smiles a little. Jinki is Jinki, always so easy to predict. The others are all out for their respective schedules; they are the only two in the apartment, and nobody is due to come back in at least an hour. Jonghyun presses his palms flat against the wall and slides closer, moulding his body against Jinki's, watching as Jinki's eyes slip shut. "No one will know," Jonghyun whispers, and Jinki's adam's apple bobs as he swallows.
"Jonghyun," Jinki repeats, but this time the name is lost amongst the clash of teeth and tongues when Jonghyun bridges the gap and kisses him, all the while thinking if this is wrong, I never want to be right.
-
When they fuck, it is hard and rough and fast, and Jonghyun keeps his gaze fixed on the clock hanging on the wall as Jinki comes undone in his arms. After that, Jonghyun trudges off to the bathroom. He spends ten minutes scrubbing at his skin until there is no trace of Jinki left on him, but when he steps out and sees Kibum standing there saying hurry up you jerk I need to pee, he realizes that some things like guilt can never be washed off.
-
Backstage, Jonghyun peels off his shirt languidly, grinning a little when he feels the burn of Jinki's gaze on him. "I need to talk to Jinki-hyung," he announces, grabbing Jinki's wrist.
Kibum meets his gaze through the mirror. A coordi-noona is fussing over his hair, and after a tense minute, Kibum shrugs. "The van's leaving in twenty minutes," he reminds.
Jonghyun nods, tugging Jinki down the corridor and into the bathroom, kicking the door shut behind them and locking it.
"What if someone needs to pee," Jinki says, glancing down at Jonghyun, who's already on his knees.
Jonghyun laughs. "They can wait," he says.
Jinki looks like he's about to protest, but then Jonghyun is unzipping his jeans, saying we only have less than twenty minutes so shut up, and then Jinki closes his eyes and leans his head against the wall. "Hurry up Jonghyun-ah," he says. "We don't have all the time in the world so stop teasing."
We don't have all the time in the world.
-
Everyone else is asleep. Taemin and Minho have their heads pressed together, and Kibum is huddled up in one corner, arms curled around his knees. Jinki's eyes are shut and his mouth is slightly open, and Jonghyun smiles. He grabs his jacket, spreading it over his body and Jinki's, then slides his fingers into Jinki's pants, stroking him to a fever.
Jinki's eyes snap open after a while, and he startles when he sees Jonghyun. "What are you doing," Jinki hisses.
Jonghyun pastes his best innocent look onto his face. "Nothing," he answers, swiping a finger along the underside of Jinki's length, and Jinki squeezes his eyes shut and presses his nails into the soft leather of the car seat.
Jinki hasn't come by the time they reach their apartment, and Jonghyun simply gives him a smirk when Jinki glares at him, eyes dark and hooded. In the lift, Kibum settles his head on Jinki's shoulder, eyes fluttering in half-sleep, and Jonghyun forces himself to glance away, fingers balling up into fists by his side.
-
They were bound to get caught. To be honest, Jonghyun never thought they'd get away with it forever, he just hadn't expected it to be so soon.
"How long have the two of you been fucking behind my back," Kibum says flatly. His eyes have always contained his deepest feelings, and throughout all these years Jonghyun has learned to read Kibum's gaze like a book - right now his eyes are full of something like anger and disappointment and hurt.
"Kibum," Jinki tries, and Jonghyun shakes his head at Jinki because he knows Kibum like the back of his hand, knows that whenever Kibum is one of his moods he never stops to listen.
"You're unbelievable," Kibum says, and Jonghyun's not sure if he's directing the statement at him or Jinki. "My boyfriend and my best friend, the two people I trust - trusted - the most in the entire world."
Jonghyun wonders what Kibum will do. Ever since they've been best friends, whenever Kibum is sad or angry or frustrated, he will look for Jonghyun, who will cheer him up with a silly joke or tight hug or it's okay don't cry I am still here for you. In a way, Kibum has always been overly reliant on Jonghyun's presence, rarely letting anyone else past his tightest defenses. But now what?
Kibum seems to be thinking the same thing as Jonghyun, because his gaze flicks towards him, and this is one of the few rare times Jonghyun has seen Kibum look so lost and confused and afraid.
When Kibum finally turns and leaves with his head held high, Jonghyun almost runs after him, but Jinki is gripping his arm with wide, panicky eyes, anchoring him to where he's standing and to a life without Kibum.
-
"I told him I can't be with him anymore," Jinki says quietly.
Jonghyun has his face buried in his pillow, and he freezes when Jinki touches his back, sliding a light finger down his spine. "I'm really tired," Jonghyun murmurs into the pillow.
"Okay," Jinki says, and the bed creaks as Jinki clambers off. "Go to sleep, Jonghyun-ah."
The light flickers off, and before Jinki leaves, he says, "I love you, good night."
This is not the way things are supposed to be, Jonghyun thinks. When he shutters his eyes shut, the image of Kibum swims into his mind once again, and he clenches his fists around the blankets and what is left of his heart.
-
Kibum pointedly refuses to speak to him or Jinki, turning his attention to Minho and Taemin instead. Taemin is a little unsure and confused, but the look on Minho's face makes Jonghyun think that Minho has quite a clear idea of what's going on right now.
The strangest - and the worst - part is, whenever Jinki smiles at him or slips his arms around him, Jonghyun doesn't even feel relieved or happy at all, just an inexplicable sense of loss as he mouths Kibum's name against the smooth skin of Jinki's bare shoulder.
-
It is three weeks later when he hears the filter of Kibum's voice, and he peers in through the crack of the door to see Kibum sitting in an empty practice room with Minho.
"I miss him," Kibum says. "But how am I supposed to trust him again?"
The guilt is eating away at Jonghyun's heart like some kind of acid, and Jonghyun closes his eyes, leaning his head against the door.
"But Jonghyun-hyung's always been your best friend."
The sound of his name makes him jerk his head up, eyes fluttering open in surprise. He'd thought Kibum was talking about Jinki, and when he stares at Kibum sitting there tapping his fingers against the floor, his heart clenches.
"I know," Kibum is saying. He's gotten a lot skinnier; his cheekbones look like they're sharp enough to slice paper, and his elbows are all bony. "But still. Anyway, let's change a topic."
"Okay," Minho says agreeably. "How are you and Nicole?"
Kibum tilts his head so his fringe falls into his eyes, hiding his rawest emotions. "Nice," he says, smiling a little. "My mother would be so proud, don't you think?"
Jung Nicole. Jonghyun thinks about the way her short hair frames her face, how she always smiles sweetly whenever they meet backstage, the number of times her name has cropped up in Kibum's phone inbox. Jonghyun makes a strangled noise, and their eyes meet when Kibum glances through the crack of the door and straight at him.
He's gotten it wrong all along, he's gotten it completely wrong. When he thinks of love, he doesn't think of Jinki. He thinks of the way Kibum's smile always starts from the left then spreads to the right, of trainee days spent with Kibum talking about the future and debuting and performing onstage, of the hug Kibum had given him when they were backstage preparing to show the world what they could do for the very first time, of the temperature of Kibum's hands and the voltage of his brightest smile.
He thinks of the ache in his chest when Kibum told him he was dating Jinki, of how he'd spent the days after that staring at Jinki. Now he realizes it's not because he'd been in love with Jinki all along, but because he was wondering what Jinki had that he didn't, to have the ability to let the almighty Kim Kibum fall in love with him.
And then he thinks of the dullness in Kibum's eyes when he'd caught them, of Jinki smiling at him while saying I love you, of how he's single-handedly fucked everything - all their lives - up because of his selfishness and utter stupidity.
Kibum is still looking at him. Jonghyun turns and runs until he reaches the bathroom, vomits until his stomach is as empty as his heart.
-
"I have to tell you something," Jonghyun tells Kibum. He has never been so desperate in his life, certain that if he doesn't tell Kibum, he will live in regret for the rest of his entire life.
"Let me say something first," Kibum says. When Kibum lifts his hand up to brush the hair out of his eyes there is a flash of silver, identical to the ring Jonghyun had seen Nicole wearing the day before.
"The thing is," Kibum continues. "I promised Nicole I'd tell you the truth so listen to me, okay?"
Jonghyun nods mutely, aware of how sweaty his palms are and how loud his heart is beating. "I don't now if you noticed," Kibum says. "But during our trainee days, I really liked you."
Jonghyun can feel the blood rushing out of his face, and Kibum is looking at him all knowingly. "I knew it," Kibum says, smiling wryly. "You've always been so dense, Kim Jonghyun."
"Then," Jonghyun says, fumbling to string his thoughts into words. "Jinki-hyung..."
Kibum laughs a little. "That was a mistake, kind of," he explains. "I just thought maybe if I dated him I'd be able to make you jealous, or at the very least, forget you."
Oh God, Jonghyun thinks. He sways a little on his feet, dizzy with the knowledge that if he'd been a little faster in realizing his feelings, if Kibum had just told him the truth earlier, all of them wouldn't be as broken as they are right now.
"Now?" Jonghyun manages to squeeze out, but the sad spark in Kibum's eyes already tells him the answer to Jonghyun's question.
"Now, I love Nicole." Kibum says. "I'm not leaving her." His voice is soft and calm, breaking over Jonghyun like the slow roll of waves, and in this instant, Jonghyun sees all the things they could have had, but will never get to have.
"Oh," Jonghyun says weakly. "Okay."
Kibum regards him for a while, the two of them standing there in uncharacteristic silence. "What did you want to tell me?"
Jonghyun blinks, then glances away. "Nothing," he says. "Nothing at all."
Kibum's smile blooms across his face so brightly Jonghyun is forced to look at him, like a flower attracted to sunlight. "Don't lie," Kibum says. "You've always been a terrible liar."
Jonghyun thinks if he'd really been that bad a liar, he wouldn't have been able to have lied to himself for such a long time. "Nothing that matters to you," he corrects anyway.
"You like me, don't you," Kibum says.
Jonghyun jerks his head up, startled. "That's a statement," he points out, and Kibum shrugs, his smile dimming a little.
"It's still the truth," Kibum answers.
Jonghyun is silent and still, and Kibum breathes out a sigh, running his fingers through his streaked hair. "How did we end up like this?" Kibum wonders out loud, and Jonghyun smiles back at him wryly.
"Like what," Jonghyun wants to know. "Being so fucked up?"
Kibum laughs with his head tipped back, and Jonghyun wonders how long it'll take before his heart will stop aching whenever he sees Kibum, how long it'll take for him to forget, how long it'll take for him to fall in love with someone else.
"Hey," Kibum says suddenly, and Jonghyun just looks at him with an eyebrow raised. "You'll get over it. I mean, I know that I'm really attractive and all, but."
Jonghyun snorts and Kibum smiles at him with crinkled eyes. "Yeah, yeah," Jonghyun says, and Kibum goes towards him, loops an arm through Jonghyun's.
"You are wonderful," Kibum tells him, and Jonghyun shuts his eyes, listening to Kibum's voice, so close yet so far. "You'll be happier without me, trust me. I moodswing all the time and I'd nag at you to clean up your room and annoy you twentyfour-seven."
But these are part of the long list as to why Jonghyun fell for Kibum in the first place. He doesn't say anything, just listens to Kibum coax him out of reality and into a happier place, wishing that someday he will look back at this and think that Kibum was right.